jennesis2 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I would appreciate some advice on this topic, as I am uncertain as to how to handle the new situations I find myself in . . . Basically, my boyfriend has two beautiful little girls, age 5 and 7. Their mother is a train wreck. She's an alcoholic who has been physically abusive to both my boyfriend and her current boyfriend, and she has just recently been thrown in jail after breaking probation from her second DUI and assault charge. My boyfriend has finally received full custody now that she is in jail, as he has strived to gain full custody for years now. We are ecstatic! However, being with the girls full time is now a new challenge. It is apparent that Mommy let them do absolutely whatever they want. They pitch huge fits when they don't get their way, and they have been spoiled by her and her absentee parenting. I, as their unmarried "step parent," have now assumed the mommy role of after school pickup and parenting. Their father and I are working very hard to reinstate rules and normalcy in their lives. My question is: Bio Mom is now writing to them from jail. They have just gotten to the point where we have established normal patterns in their lives. Since their Mom's arrest, I have never heard them speak of her, and certainly not cry over her absence or anything of the sort. In Bio- Mom's letter which rambles on and on about how "she made a big mistake, she loves them, and someday they'll understand . . ." she asks that they write back. Should their father and I allow the girls to write her letters? If so, should we wait awhile until their are more settled and balanced in their new lives? They are now living permanently with their father and I, and we are moving to a new and bigger house this summer. Bio Mom will be incarcerated for at least a year, probably more . . Thanks!
anne1707 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 First of all you are doing all the right things by trying to give these children a stable, loving family home with a routine. But their mother will always be their mother and whilst your concerns are very understandable, in my opinion you need to ensure that they can have contact with their mother. To be honest it might also give the mother a reason to get herself sober if she knows her kids still love her. I would add that I believe all contact should be discreetly monitored to establish how well it is working and whether the girls are coping with the situation. They do need to understand why they cannot see their mother but it would be wrong for them to think their mother does not love them. At their young age, there are probably ways you can talk about this such as mummy is not well, etc.
amaysngrace Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I guess they know that "mommy went away" right? Did somebody tell them that? I would have them write letters to their mother and send cards for her birthday and Mother's Day, etc. She's getting sober now hopefully and she will be different when she gets out hopefully. She'll never get the girls back though. Not after they already have stability with their father and you that she was unable to provide. I don't care what she does chances are she has lost the girls forever. But it doesn't mean she won't appreciate hearing from her daughters. No matter what she will always be their mom. And you may not respect the woman but you have to respect her position. And your husband...well...he is the one who chose her to be the mother of his children. It's just best if you can all just get along. For the girls especially. So don't alienate them from their mother. She already did a good job of that but you don't need to. Also way to go for stepping up in being important in their lives. You are doing a very good thing by being a proper role model to these children. It sounds like they needed you and there you were. It's really very admirable of you to take on this role so graciously. It won't always be easy but it is very rewarding. Best of luck!
Eve Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I would not advise showing the letters to the children. Get professional advice asap. Any reintroduction has to be a slow and monitored process. Hope you have some ideas of how to manage this. Do the children attend a group that supports children of substance users? I would highly advise this because they will need space to evaluate a lot of things which you probably presently know nothing about. I am talking about things which they have seen and heard as a consequence of their mothers behaviour. Plus they will still love their Mother at some level.. SO difficult. What you are doing is very worthwhile and not at all easy. I applaud you.. Take care, Eve xx
Author jennesis2 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Thank you to all who wrote in with their words of advice and support. I had a long talk with my boyfriend last night and persuaded him not to show the girls the letter or speak of it with them until we have talked to their child psychiatrist and listened to his advice. Yes, we have the girls in both individual and group therapy. By all appearances they are doing very well with us, and actually seem to be thriving under their new (much stricter) routines and expectations. My mother's advice (who raised four kids beautifully) is to have my boyfriend relay the fact that Mom sent a "message" (does not have to say letter) saying that she loves them, etc- only the appropriate things. She believes the children should never see her actual physical letters until they are much older (in their teens) and are mature enough to fully understand the situation. She believes that it is appropriate for us to allow the girls to write cards and drawings which we will then mail to her privately, but never to allow the children to read or possess her inappropriate letters, which are full of empty promises and her grandiose fantasies of "how great life was with her, and how it will be that way again soon." My mother thinks that her letters would be psychologically damaging to the children. What do you think? Thank you again!
LovieDove24 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Jennesis: I highly agree with what your mother told you about not showing his children the letters and just passing along the message instead. However, I have dealt with severe alcholoism in my family and would like to offer a little different insight. Both my mother and father were terrible, raging, abusive alcoholics. Amidst all that though we had some really good and loving times (as completely crazy as I know that sounds). I still believe to this day my parents instilled some very positive qualities in me. We spent every Sunday together (soberly--Sunday afternoons were about the only times) and they provided me a nice house and great education. Because alcholics CAN AND DO STILL TRULY LOVE THE ONES THEY HURT I think its important she regain some contact when she is sober. Supervised of course until she has a proven track record to fall back on. Having a relationship with their mother after seeing her go though something as difficult as the disease of alcoholism and bouncing back from it can actually be healthy for them if done with some precaution.
sb129 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think that you are doing a great job of providing these kids with a stable and loving environment. The others are right though- their mom is still their mom and contact should continue as long as its supervised. i would see what the psychiatrist says about withholding letters- I can see your reasons but I would be worried about it backfiring on you when the kids are old enough to realise what you have done. HOpefully the experts have some suggestions to help overcome this. Keep up the good work- it can't be easy for you.
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I totally agree with your mom about the letters. These children need stability and they need security and thinking they are going back with their mom soon will give them neither of these things. They need to know they belong just where they are. Those letters can be frightening to their young minds. I would put them away for a long, long time too.
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