BeachBum86 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Hi folks, I'm new here. Thought I'd start off with a little soap box. I'd like to hear your perspectives. I was thinking about all the dating experiences of me and my friends, and it seems like the girl often becomes attached before the guy does (not always, of course). I hate to admit it, but sometimes when I like a guy I find myself building an imaginary relationship even if I've only known him a couple weeks! I don't know if I watched too many disney movies as a kid, but I really have to stop myself from daydreaming about these fairy tale relationships!! Mainly because (1) I'm setting the standards too high and (2) he might not be that into me! Despite knowing all this, I still do it! And the worst part is that it really gets me bummed out when things don't work out I feel like I can't control my own damn thoughts! I was curious, do you ladies find yourself doing the same thing? Guys, you seem to be able to 'go with the flow' more easily. Even if you like a girl, you don't seem to think about her nearly as much as we gals think about you. What's your secret?! (I realize there is no 'trick' to it, but I'd like to hear what you think too) Thanks!
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 When you've seen one human, you've seen one human. We're all different. I've known plenty of women who can compartmentalize and I've known plenty of men who are wired like I am, to build intimacy globally (in other words, have those same thoughts you describe). What works for *you*? What kind of man is compatible with *you*? That's the key. Is what you've been doing so far working for you? This mindset is part of the results I achieved in MC. It's not about the other person
Lucky_One Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I am a believer that at the end of the day, basic biology takes over. Considering the age of the Earth, human beings are amazingly young and amazingly close evolutionary-wise to our first origins of walking upright. So maybe in 100,000's of years, we will be changed, but for right now I think we are still ruled by basic "prehistoric" concepts. Nature wants us to replicate as quickly as possible and as often as possible. While pregnant or having an infant, a woman needs care and is unable to go out gathering food; it helps her to have a mate who can hunt and care for her. So she looks for 1) a father for her children and 2) a helper for her family. A man looks for 1) an ovulating woman and 2) someone to help clean his mammoth. Since a woman can only be impregnated once in a 40 week period, the man is ready, available, and willing to find another ovulating woman. It's a basic desire and need. Women want a partner to assist her in raising her young, and men want to screw any woman that walks.
a4a Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 sounds like the old idea of being in love with being in love - but not being in love with the real person you are with. What could be vs what really is. I think many people suffer from this disease. When people split they are also upset because their "fantasy" relationship got flushed. When you get older you realize prince charming farts, he will leave a turtle in the toilet and likely will be checking out your best friends ass. your fantasy will switch to either rock climbing, if you dig kids- raising your child to win a Nobel prize....... or just focusing on yourself to accomplish things in reality. A knight in shining armor means to me - I am going to have to polish the armor. I will have to feed his horse because he will forget. (and buy the oats) He will ignore me because a damsel in distress is suddenly more interesting. His jousting is the most important thing to both of us - even if I don't agree. As you get older you are not as bummed out about prince charming hitting the road.
Author BeachBum86 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 So interesting! And I agree with all of you. a4a, you are definitely right about the idea of being in love with being in love. Wouldn't it be nice to take all that energy/emotion and put it towards something useful! Carhill, what is MC? I'm curious how other people deal with this issue. Nothing I've been doing so far works for me. I can be friends with all the guys in the world, but when it comes to a potential relationship I fall in that same trap of living inside my head. Like I said, it's habit and it's very hard to break!
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Beachbum, do you create this fantasy without the guy leading you on?
a4a Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 why not choose a fantasy other than relationships - one that is attainable and that you have control over? There is more to life than "relationships/love".
Author BeachBum86 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 TrailbyFire, yes I've been led on before. But honestly I've done this even when the relationship is very casual and the guy hasn't done *that* much. a4a, I would love that. I'm working on focusing other things, but sometimes I can't help it. Maybe (hopefully) it's because I'm young and I've still got those raging hormones at 22. Who knows. At least I"ve acknowledged the problem. Now I just gotta find a way to fix it!
paddington bear Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I think it's only natural to meet someone you like, or could possibly get to like and then start to get excited, there's something new going on, someone new in your life. I'm not sure of how you stop being like that...get screwed over and rejected enough times and get bitter and twisted? Probably better to have a check-list in your head of 'he loves me' 'he loves me not' behaviour, everyone's checklist is going to be different. But yours could include his level of interest within the first month, if he doesn't meet your checklist, you can maybe prevent yourself going off into fantasy land and imagining your dream wedding and how cute your kids are going to be. It's hard, believe you me. Recently I've found using my own checklist (or noticing warning signs, or knowing what is acceptable behaviour) has helped. I met a guy, he asked me out - I was happy, he was nice, was wondering if he liked me or not. Turned out to be a group outing with his friends = red flag number 1, he barely talked to me all night = red flag number 2, his best female friend was there = red flag number 3. Normally I would have built this guy up into something he's not, would have ignored all these signs and given him another chance, but this time, I thought, no, he doesn't meet the checklist, this is going nowhere, no false hopes, goodbye. And thought no more about him, and didn't let my mind wander to 'what if'.
Cora Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I'm happy to see I'm not the only one who goes through this! I can't tell you how many times I get overly attached to a guy too quickly and then end up being hurt because of it. I still haven't learned because I still do it and it scares me to death. It's like no matter what I tell myself I just can't stop myself from becoming too attached too quickly. That is why I'm always afraid of meeting someone new because I know it's going to happen....it always does. It is a neverending cycle for me. I meet a guy, become attached, get hurt! Sometimes I wish I were a guy because they just appear to handle it better or at least they are very good at hiding it!
cat-power Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 why not choose a fantasy other than relationships - one that is attainable and that you have control over? There is more to life than "relationships/love". I completely agree...but what if you've attained every dream u ever had...and come to the conclusion that there must be more to life ? to top it all off...because of/or despite of everything you've achieved, men think you're either "off limits" or "out of reach" or just plain not attractive...
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Carhill, what is MC? MC is marriage counseling, essentially psychological therapy for couples. MC gave me a positive outlook on life and provided me with tools to better understand my strengths and build upon them, giving me more confidence to work on my weaknesses. I practiced that today when discussing the realities of divorce with my wife. No expletives were uttered, no old wounds ripped open; just a calm, clear discussion of our perspectives and incompatibilities. I can see how MC has helped her too. Will a divorce be "fair"? Likely I will have my moments of doubt. Will it be healthy? In the long run, yes. Since you're young enough to be a daughter, I can tell you that life will bring you many challenges, of which relationships are but one. Spend your 20's getting to know you and enjoy that journey of discovery. You'll make mistakes; you'll experience joy, pain and sorrow. It's called being human. I wish you well
BCCA Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I'm a guy, and I do the same thing. I meet someone, decide I like them, and then my thoughts just run wild. I'll start thinking about how it would be to marry them, what their family is like, where we would live, and whether we would have kids. I try not to dwell too much, but I seem to constantly have to remind myself to slow down. I think we are the way we are because of the way we were raised and the experiences we have. Being a child of divorced parents, sometimes I wonder if I just want to have a whole family of my own. I know other people with divorced parents that think marrige is a joke, and never lasts. I guess its just whatever it means to you. And I think we are all in love with the idea of being in love. Lets be honest, being single is rough now a days. I have 0 single friends right now that I can call and hang out with, and as a guy, youre not going to find anyone who just wants to talk on the phone. Where I work, there is over 100 people in my office, and there is about 5-6 of us that are single. The other people are all well over 40, and extremely bitter about men/women and life in general. Then there is me, the mid-twenties guy. I guess I'm rambling, but the best advice I can give is to take everyone you meet with a grain of salt until you see something real there. It's too easy to meet someone and fantasize about what life with them could be like, but youre just asking for dissapointment. Remember, youre the prize, and someone else has to earn you.
a4a Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I completely agree...but what if you've attained every dream u ever had...and come to the conclusion that there must be more to life ? to top it all off...because of/or despite of everything you've achieved, men think you're either "off limits" or "out of reach" or just plain not attractive... Answer A - your dreams/goals are too small...... expand them. Answer B - Yep I sometimes wonder that myself but was at a shindig this past week and had 4 hits on me that I noticed. Nice to know you still got it but I don't bother to use it because already been there done that. I think men find women that are unattainable quite attractive. Even though at times they stomp their feet and kick sand your way - it is their way of showing their frustration that they can't have you - but oh so want to! I cannot imagine my entire world being wrapped up in the lone thought that having a relationship would complete my life.
Peaceandlove Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Women use sex to get relationships. Men use relationships to get sex. Some women might be cock teases, but there are a lot of guys out there that are relationship teases. He'll string some woman along for some time, giving her the allusion that he is interested in a relationship, just so he can extract some meaningless sex for a few days/weeks. Life is short.There are tons more singles to chat and date with. Never give up your power to anyone... you deserve exactly what you want in this life. I've been led on by a guy like that and it was extremely painful- but how can you tell the a-holes from the nice guys?? I now feel like men don't really feel like pursuing a love interest because they can fulfill their sexual needs elsewhere- being really impatient in a sense does this have anything to do with the consumerist society we live in- consume relationships and people if you may without really thinking much about anyone else's feelings?? sorry if i'm ranting
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 how can you tell the a-holes from the nice guys?? I now feel like men don't really feel like pursuing a love interest because they can fulfill their sexual needs elsewhere- being really impatient in a sense So, time and patience perhaps can reveal your truth?
BCCA Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 but how can you tell the a-holes from the nice guys?? If only life were that simple...how can you tell nice girls from selfish b****es? You cant unless you really get to know them. Thats why dating is painful, everyone seems cool after 5 minutes, but what about after 5 days? Months? Years?
Woggle Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Men just seem to be able to put things in perspective and even if we do fall in love we can still let our head lead us instead of our heart. We don't have this fantasy image in our heads of what a relationship is supposed to be like. Women just let their emotions go haywire and it causes them a lot of greif.
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Beachbum, it's time to slow yourself down then, if the guy isn't leading you on. Spend more time analyzing his actions and words, to ensure they mesh. If they don't mesh, LOOK OUT!
Yamaha Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 You need to date more guys. Then you won't put all your eggs in one basket.
Isolde Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 You know, it would be sad if people didn't fantasize about love. Why harden yourself when there is so much love to be had? Maybe not everyone is so lucky to experience marriages that last into old age, but most of us have a pretty good shot at it. Women just do it more than men, that's all. I guarantee you when the right guy comes, he'll out-fantasize you, easily!
EmperorR Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I'm a guy, and I do the same thing. I meet someone, decide I like them, and then my thoughts just run wild. I'll start thinking about how it would be to marry them, what their family is like, where we would live, and whether we would have kids. I try not to dwell too much, but I seem to constantly have to remind myself to slow down. I think we are the way we are because of the way we were raised and the experiences we have. Being a child of divorced parents, sometimes I wonder if I just want to have a whole family of my own. I know other people with divorced parents that think marrige is a joke, and never lasts. I guess its just whatever it means to you. And I think we are all in love with the idea of being in love. Lets be honest, being single is rough now a days. I have 0 single friends right now that I can call and hang out with, and as a guy, youre not going to find anyone who just wants to talk on the phone. Where I work, there is over 100 people in my office, and there is about 5-6 of us that are single. The other people are all well over 40, and extremely bitter about men/women and life in general. Then there is me, the mid-twenties guy. I guess I'm rambling, but the best advice I can give is to take everyone you meet with a grain of salt until you see something real there. It's too easy to meet someone and fantasize about what life with them could be like, but youre just asking for dissapointment. Remember, youre the prize, and someone else has to earn you. I'm exactly the same, before I used to let the other partner know, now i've learnt my lesson being hurt to many.
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