importantquest Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Let me start at the beginning. I am 25 years old and I met my girlfriend about 2 years ago; we were very much in love. About a year into the relationship we decided to move in together (partially for financial reasons). Around that same time my girlfriend started experiencing a lot of anxiety and getting upset (crying screaming,punching walls, etc). She couldn't keep any jobs for more than a month because she would get too much anxiety so I ended up having to pay all of our bills for alittle over a year. This was very stressful on me and I began to feel like I was more of a parent to her than a boyfriend. I didn't mind taking care of her at first because I could see how hard she was trying and at the time she was just incapable. Her behavior was very unlike her and she didn't understand what was going on so I recommomended she see a counselor. The counselor immediately diagnosted her as bi-polar citing a thyroid problem. She was put on medicine for the bi-polar and anxiety and everything was good for about 7-8 months. I was very surprised that the medicine worked because I was starting to think this was just her personality. She was able to get a job during this time and everything looked like it would be ok between us. She applied for college and decided she would go back to get her art degree and I tried to encourage her the best I could. About 4 months ago she decided she no longer needed the medication (I disagreed). She has been off the medication and things have been very rocky. She gets VERY upset over little things and just blows up on me (or anyone else that has caused her stress) and cannot calm down. I mentioned to her a few times that I would like her to move out because she should not be in a relationship right now and needs to focus on herself. She gets very upset at any mention of us not living together and says she cannot afford to support herself right now (especially with her going back to school in a few months). She then told me to leave because I had money to get my own place and she did not. I told her I could not leave because she has no way to pay for rent and no direction to go at this time. If it were up to me I would have left a long time ago. Her parents live about an hour from the college she will be attending and she does not own a car so she says moving in with family is not an option. I feel stuck because I don't want to just leave her high and dry. I would like to see her be successful and do great things with her life, I don't care if we stay together at this point (I care for her well being but i am not in love with her any more) I just want her to have a positive direction to move towards. I don't think it is feasible for me to keep supporting her (financially) when I feel I am falling out of love with her. The amount of stress that is put on my from her bi-polar issues and from always being short on cash is starting to really take its toll. I have not told her that I am losing my attraction to her because I am afraid I would just cripple her. I know this is my own fault and I am doing us both a diservice. Should I be worrying about her or be looking out for myself right now? To make matters worse our landlord has a new apartment and they asked us if we would like to move in. They would like us to move in in about 30 days from now and I am having doubts. My girlfriend should be getting some school loans which could help her with rent and I was wondering if it would be selfish of me to help her move into the new place but tell her she is on her own...I can find myself another place to live and I really think this would be an optimal time to break things off. I am just worried she would not be able to support herself and would bomb out of college and I would be the cause of it. I need some advice as I would like to move on with my life and break up with her/move out but I am having a very difficult time with it. Thank you, sorry this question was so long!
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Sometimes, in the process of taking care of another, we lose ourselves. Tell me, what is the balance? What does she do for and say to you that makes you feel a loved and valued part of the relationship team?
Template Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Carhill is absolutely correct. It sounds as if your gf is expecting you to take care of here, while she does what she pleases. I can appreciate your situation as my ex was also bi-polar, though she would never admit it. She did exhibit the classic signs. You have to do what's best for you first and foremost. If you continue on this path, it won't lead anywhere good. You are probably on the cusp, but you are going to find that you feel that you are doing and contributing more than your share to the relationship, and will grow to resent her for it. Bi-Polar is a severe medication condition and has to be treated as such, but if you're girlfriend doesn't want to help herself, then your options become limited. Believe me, I know where you are coming from. I put my heart and soul into my helping my ex, and I've never felt she really 1) appreciated all that I was doing for her, and 2) did what SHE could do to make our relationship work. I stuck around because I felt the need to help her, and went above and beyond, and in the end, could have literally cost my life - and SHE broke up with me because of it. Right now you probably think strength comes from sticking with her through this thick and thin, but true strength is knowing when to walk away, AND knowing it's best for both of you. If anything, remember this, a bi-polar person will never think they've done anything wrong, because of this condition. She could stab you in the leg, and feel totally justified. That's just how their mind works.
Admiral Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 LEAVE HER. There is absolutely NO excuse for her to "blow up at you". Treat her like any other woman, and leave her. I didn't mind taking care of her at first because I could see how hard she was trying and at the time she was just incapable You owe her NOTHING. You should not be trying to fix her, it's her own problem. It's making your relationship miserable, so leave her. She gets very upset at any mention of us not living together and says she cannot afford to support herself right now Again, that's her own problem. Leave her and let her take care of herself. You don't owe he ANYTHING. I don't think it is feasible for me to keep supporting her (financially) when I feel I am falling out of love with her. ...... I have not told her that I am losing my attraction to her because I am afraid I would just cripple her. You shouldn't be paying for her. Leave her, it doesn't matter what happens to her after that, it HER FAULT, not yours.
amaysngrace Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Actually you'd be doing her a favor by asking her to leave. She may realize she needs those medications more than she thinks she does. If you say nothing you are being an enabler to her sickness. So you would be taking the high road by speaking up. For her but for yourself too. And you matter first. I think you maybe forgot that along the way?
alphamale Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 this woman will need to be under supervised psychiatric care and appropriate medications for the rest of her natural life. thats her only chance for a half-way normal existence.
broken_promises Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Just to add a different perspective but I often feel like people who get into relationships with "broken" people have SOME responsibility to them. I'm not saying that you should stay in this or that you should have to take any kind of verbal abuse, but I do think that you owe her some security measures. I know that others will disagree. I just think that when you get into a relationship with someone - even if you aren't intending marriage or are falling out of love or aren't sure how you got to the point the relationship is at - it's unfair to leave them "high and dry" as you say. If you can swing it, I think that helping her either stay in the apartment or with getting her into a new place will help your conscience and help her get on her feet. It isn't your responsibility to help her STAY on her feet but yes - when you enter into living situations with people you say you are in love with, I think that you owe it to them (if you can afford it, anyway) to help with move-out costs.
Admiral Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Just to add a different perspective but I often feel like people who get into relationships with "broken" people have SOME responsibility to them. No responsibility. It's their problem, and it's ruining YOUR life. it's unfair to leave them "high and dry" as you say. It's far more unfair for her to be treating him this way. He's had more than enough. If you can swing it, I think that helping her either stay in the apartment or with getting her into a new place will help your conscience and help her get on her feet. It isn't your responsibility to help her STAY on her feet but yes - when you enter into living situations with people you say you are in love with, I think that you owe it to them (if you can afford it, anyway) to help with move-out costs. So basically, you're saying to pay her for mistreating him.
Template Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Just to add a different perspective but I often feel like people who get into relationships with "broken" people have SOME responsibility to them. I'm not saying that you should stay in this or that you should have to take any kind of verbal abuse, but I do think that you owe her some security measures. I know that others will disagree. I just think that when you get into a relationship with someone - even if you aren't intending marriage or are falling out of love or aren't sure how you got to the point the relationship is at - it's unfair to leave them "high and dry" as you say. If you can swing it, I think that helping her either stay in the apartment or with getting her into a new place will help your conscience and help her get on her feet. It isn't your responsibility to help her STAY on her feet but yes - when you enter into living situations with people you say you are in love with, I think that you owe it to them (if you can afford it, anyway) to help with move-out costs. I have to respectfully disagree. In a nutshell you are saying that after all he's done, he should still continue to help, if not in some small way. Sure, it's not fair to leave them "high and dry", but is it fair that he is treated the way she does from her. I can see if she is continually trying to seek treatment, and in the interim stuff like this happens, but she has clearly decided not to help herself. SHE is responsible for keeping herself in this state, and SHE is responsible for all the crap she put him through. At some point he has to say enough is enough, and done with it. It doesn't matter how it ends, as long as it ends, and that's the main thing. Why should take any sole burden of responsibility when she doesn't want to? I may sound bitter but I'm speaking from my own experience. I up and moved my life to be with my ex, and provided for EVERYTHING. Long story short, I gave up my own soul and well being, and SHE kicked me out. She doesn't owe me anything, and I don't expect anything. Same for this dude.. he doesn't owe her anything. Some may not see that as fair... but hey, he's clearly not in a fair relationship anymore.
mental_traveller Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Dump. Clinical insanity/mental illness = dealbreaker.
D-Lish Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Just out of curiousity, you said a "counsellor" diagnosed her with Bi-Polar, citing a thyroid problem? That doesn't sound right. A "counsellor" can't make that diagnosis orprescribe meds, so I am assuming a medical professional must have made the diagnosis? It sounds more like an anxiety disorder than bi-polar from what little you described. People are right, in order to help her, she needs to help herself. A relationship will become stale quickly if you put youself in a position of being her rescuer rather than her partner.
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