Chinook Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Same happened to me, with warcraft too. Cheating is cheating. In my book the first indicator is emotional disconnect. As soon as that happens, there is absolutely bound to be someone else on the scene in whatever capacity. Doesn't matter she hasn't actually laid eyes on the guy, the fact is... she is committing more time and emotional energy to him than to you. My line was wow goes or I do. In the end he made his choice and dumped me. The game (or the person he was playing with) won. Know what the kicker is...? I play too.
Author wtfshock Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Same happened to me, with warcraft too. Cheating is cheating. In my book the first indicator is emotional disconnect. As soon as that happens, there is absolutely bound to be someone else on the scene in whatever capacity. Doesn't matter she hasn't actually laid eyes on the guy, the fact is... she is committing more time and emotional energy to him than to you. My line was wow goes or I do. In the end he made his choice and dumped me. The game (or the person he was playing with) won. Know what the kicker is...? I play too. Nodin i am sorry to hear this and i completely understand. Schitty thing is, they prefer to deal with their problems in this fashion instead of dealing with them directly. My STBX not only cheated, but later tried to cover it up with lies well after her admitting to it. In the end it was her lies that cost her, her family, life, job and emotional well being. There is absolutly nothing we can do in this situation but let them go. Its up to them to make things right with us but when they refuse...their saying they dont want us anymore. Like a chump i left the door open to her and the light dimmed. She cries everytime i talk to her and says how wrong she was and knows how much she has hurt me. In truth she has no fking clue because its never happened to her. So i gave her the chance over and over to own up to it and try to ear my trust back. What does she do with it? Nothing. She has yet to come out and say "i cheated on you, please forgive me." Now she just says im better off without her.....and i am. That doesnt help the pain though and i will be forever jaded and cautious. I dont blame warcraft because if she was in the mind to cheat she would have done it another way. What it boils down to is the maturity level of the person and the values they were taught growing up. If their stubborn and pig headed with no moral compass, then their not worth the effort anymore.
nodin Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Same happened to me, with warcraft too. Cheating is cheating. In my book the first indicator is emotional disconnect. As soon as that happens, there is absolutely bound to be someone else on the scene in whatever capacity. Doesn't matter she hasn't actually laid eyes on the guy, the fact is... she is committing more time and emotional energy to him than to you. My line was wow goes or I do. In the end he made his choice and dumped me. The game (or the person he was playing with) won. Know what the kicker is...? I play too. Yeah, tried to play myself this week and it's like a love/hate relationship with the game. Sure I'm as addicted but I can't see myself ever playing it again...with enjoyment. Reminds me too much of what happened. Guess that little stress outlet is gone, off to find a more productive hobby. wtfshock, yeah you're absolutely right. It's just that things were so good, we have a 5 year old girl who is the light in my life. I can't bear to lose her or even risk that. Since she's not working she can't afford to live elsewhere and there's no way I'd get a loan on a new place with today's market and my income alone. The though of passing my daughter back and forth between 2 homes and the problems that comes with it...I can't bear the thought of the emotional trauma that she'll grow up with. I just pray every moment that something will snap into place or a beam of light will appear setting the right things in motion...she is asking me to tell her exactly what to do to fix things but that doesn't seem right. If I do that then the effort appears hollow and without substance. Am I overthinking that or should I just be like "look here, this is what you're going to do between 8-9pm, 9-10pm, you'll speak to this person/not that person, etc., etc." Feels wrong.
Author wtfshock Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Yeah, tried to play myself this week and it's like a love/hate relationship with the game. Sure I'm as addicted but I can't see myself ever playing it again...with enjoyment. Reminds me too much of what happened. Guess that little stress outlet is gone, off to find a more productive hobby. wtfshock, yeah you're absolutely right. It's just that things were so good, we have a 5 year old girl who is the light in my life. I can't bear to lose her or even risk that. Since she's not working she can't afford to live elsewhere and there's no way I'd get a loan on a new place with today's market and my income alone. The though of passing my daughter back and forth between 2 homes and the problems that comes with it...I can't bear the thought of the emotional trauma that she'll grow up with. I just pray every moment that something will snap into place or a beam of light will appear setting the right things in motion...she is asking me to tell her exactly what to do to fix things but that doesn't seem right. If I do that then the effort appears hollow and without substance. Am I overthinking that or should I just be like "look here, this is what you're going to do between 8-9pm, 9-10pm, you'll speak to this person/not that person, etc., etc." Feels wrong. If she truly loves you, she should instinctively know what to do to fix it. Thats the place i live right now. My STBX wants my trust back immediately and without her having to pay for her mistake. This time is no different than the first time she cheated on me. If she doesnt know what to do to or doesnt try on her own then my guess would be to leave her. If she doesnt know what to do she isnt trying....plain and simple. I wouldnt tell her what to do to fix it. I have tried that and it didnt work becasue it is hollow. As for the way your feeling about your kid...i felt the same way. It is very traumatic from them and ya just gotta make them understand its not their fault. I think you need to issue an ultamatum to her and tell her either she fixes this on her own or your gone. read this quote from a member of these forums "Your problems with trusting her are now, obviously, well founded. She needs to take the lead in rebuilding what she destroyed, and move heaven and earth to do so. It's good that she's broken off contact with OM; that's a no-brainer. But there are some other things she should do, without complaint or hesitation: 1) Give you unlimited, anytime access to her email, cellphone and internet records, and not delete anything until you've had a chance to see it. She needs to give you all her passwords, including the addresses of any websites or message boards she posts on. 2) Make herself totally accountable to you at all times. Tell you when she'll be home, and stick to that, plus or minus 15 minutes. She should communicate with you several times per day, telling you who she is with and where she's going, and not object if you contact the people in question to confirm what she says. 3) Her life must otherwise become an open book. She should have no expectation of secrecy, and limited privacy (really, only in the bathroom, and without the phone). 4) She should answer all of your questions, whenever you ask them. Also, install a keylogger on the computer. Remind her that hesitation or complaint on her part for these "intrusions" is indicative of her willingness to rebuild and just further diminishes your trust and respect for her. But, remind her further that you do want to trust her again, and you need her help to do that this time -- you gave it freely once before but won't do so again. You don't need to monitor her forever. Trust is rebuilt by the establishment of a record of consistent, verifiable statements. You just do this until you're comfortable enough with her again to let it slide. Your motto for the time being should be, "trust but verify." hope that helps. it didnt with me because my stbx could honestly care less, but if your does then maybe there is hope.
Owl Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 The game of choice in my situation was EQ instead of WoW, but otherwise same story as everyone else's here. We managed to recover...but it took a lot of effort on our part. I think that part of what made the difference was the fact that OM bought her plane tickets to go live with him on d-day...there was no way to deny that this was an affair at that point. It kind of FORCED her to see how wrong her actions were...in game and out. Take a look over at the infidelity section here to see my old thread.
Chinook Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I dont blame warcraft because if she was in the mind to cheat she would have done it another way. What it boils down to is the maturity level of the person and the values they were taught growing up. If their stubborn and pig headed with no moral compass, then their not worth the effort anymore. True. Very true. My guy was no way mature, let alone committed. The fact he hurt someone along the way meant absolutely nothing to him. So no point in trying to make sense of someone with no moral compass as you say.
Chinook Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Yeah, tried to play myself this week and it's like a love/hate relationship with the game. Sure I'm as addicted but I can't see myself ever playing it again...with enjoyment. Reminds me too much of what happened. Guess that little stress outlet is gone, off to find a more productive hobby.Yep, I dont play any longer either. My stress valve gone too. I can't play because he plays on the same server where all my friends and my characters are. I tried but it hurt too much and I'm deep in 'no contact' mode. I'm trying to heal. So I stay away. Nothing else to do though now because I can't face the online gaming/chat thing anymore. I just don't want to get into it again. I didnt meet him online either, he was someone who I knew from my running club and I introduced him to wow. What a monster I created eh..?!
nodin Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks for the advice wtfshock. What you're saying is ringing true in my mind so that gives me a foundation to start organizing my head. Chinook, yeah I'm feeling that now. Even the thought of playing a different server, starting over...just isn't fun. Course I don't stress about it as much as it seems in my posts, the urge pops up but moments later I remember that it's just a stupid game that's made to drain souls. In only 3 weeks of not playing I've already got a Boxee TV system build on an old computer in order to not think about all this all the time. Deep down, I'm happy to not play anymore, just think of all the goofy **** I can put together now and that many more bedtime stories I can read to my kid. I'm looking forward to being able to concentrate on a good book or two myself one day.
Owl Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 If you decide to play WoW again...pay to have your chars transferred to another server. The only "starting over" would be finding a guild, meeting new friends, etc... You're not starting from scratch that way.
Chinook Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 If you decide to play WoW again...pay to have your chars transferred to another server. The only "starting over" would be finding a guild, meeting new friends, etc... You're not starting from scratch that way.I wanted to do that Owl, but all my friends are in the same place he is. I even pointed out to him that he came along afterwards... so does he do the gentlemanly thing and decide to move servers...? No. He decides to actually make use of my friends to progress his game, putting them in an awful position. In the end, I quit the guild because I couldn't face putting THEM through the difficulties (who to invite to instances etc) and I decided it wasn't worth the emotional pain. I logged out last Friday and haven't logged in since.
Author wtfshock Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 sorry to hear that chinook. my stbx actually xfered her chars off the server when all this happened and then xfered them back when we tried again. nodin. you are most welcome but i cant take credit for this advice as the advice i gave you was given to me. owl gives good advice, listen to him. my problem with giving her another change is this is the second offense, she refuses to own up to cheating and she lies to try and get out of it when i caught her red handed. schitty thing is, i was gonna give her another chance if she straightened up but she refuses. nothing i can do but bid her farewell and hope like hell she sees the light someday. some thoughts that kick my ass though are another man being in my sons life taking my role as a father and me being pushed to weekends and summers.....F**K! how does one get over this thought? its almost enough for me to start begging her but that will be the day. if thats not enough....i may end up playing father to someone elses kids. its been almost 7 months now and i have been dating before i posted this originally and we tried to work it out. i have found that asking your GFs kid to stop doing something dangerous is enough to set mommy off. i am a good father and i love my son to death. i think it would destroy me the rest of the way if my son was actually won over by another man trying to take my place. and all this because of a girl who has no moral compass and packs nukes.
Author wtfshock Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 today wasn't such a good day. alot of crappy things happened that made me want her back so bad. i almost called her in a moment of weakness but i went back and read all the emails we sent each other when all this started. it was enough for me to stop myself. i think that is what she is waiting for.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Damn whats up with all this world of warcraft ****! Have anybody got Xbox live? lol. Anyway's stay NC with your ex shock, detach and move on. the best thing is coming for you, but you got to move on.
Author wtfshock Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Damn whats up with all this world of warcraft ****! Have anybody got Xbox live? lol. Anyway's stay NC with your ex shock, detach and move on. the best thing is coming for you, but you got to move on. right on bro, i was just having a bad day. feeling much better today!
Owl Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I wanted to do that Owl, but all my friends are in the same place he is. I even pointed out to him that he came along afterwards... so does he do the gentlemanly thing and decide to move servers...? No. He decides to actually make use of my friends to progress his game, putting them in an awful position. In the end, I quit the guild because I couldn't face putting THEM through the difficulties (who to invite to instances etc) and I decided it wasn't worth the emotional pain. I logged out last Friday and haven't logged in since. Why on Earth (ok...or Azoroth) would you expect that someone mentally/emotionally geared in such a way that they believe that it's ok to try to destroy a marriage and convince someone to cheat would be the kind of guy to "do the gentlemanly thing"???? We faced a similar issue in our case as well. We stopped gaming completely for about six months after she decided not to leave and we were recovering...and then opted to resume gaming on a completely different server. But, we had the same issue you did...all of our friends were still on the "old" server. We did end up going back, and didn't see OM logged on for serveral months. By that time, we'd submitted name changes for all of our characters and/or deleted some of them, so it wasn't likely he'd know who WE were when he saw us. But it still bothered me just to "see" him on...so we ended up leaving EQ and going on to WoW where we game today. What you're doing is all part of the "price" of an affair...major changes in lifestyle to keep from encountering OM again are a normal part of it all.
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