Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I have a question for everyone. My boyfriend has a friend who has had some bad luck lately. His girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him, he got laid off, and he has to move out of the their apartment. Okay, so I also have this friend who is single and broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago. So I was thinking about setting them up. Now my boyfriend is hesistant to do this because he is afraid my friend will end up really hurting him. But he's already hurt right? I asked him why he is so against this and he said that he is too vulnerable and it would ruin our friendships with them. So what do you guys think? Is setting up friends a good idea?
hotgurl Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 don't unless he specifically asks you to fix him. Don't assume that this is what he wants. just don't.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 don't unless he specifically asks you to fix him. Don't assume that this is what he wants. just don't. Well, we were actually going to ask him if he wanted to be set up. He is sort of shy so meeting girls probably isn't easy for him.
Art_Critic Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Is setting up friends a good idea? IME... No...Not if the friendship is valued. So many things can go wrong and the finger gets pointed at the fixer upper... Now if you are just assisting and he asks you to fix them up then I would say yes.. but if is a blind setup then no way.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I say introduce casually first and then you can ask their individual opinions of each other. But I agree that blind-date is a bad idea. Especially if the guy's breakup was as recent as it sounds.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. Okay, so do you think it would be a good idea to get a group of us together and introduce them that way in order to see if they hit it off? Or should I just stop my meddling (my bf thinks I'm acting like that) and let him just have his time to heal?
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 You do cook, yes? A small group dinner with a mix of single and coupled people is appropriate. Sometimes one has to stir the pot to make a good soup
Star Gazer Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 He's far too vulnerable right now, and totally rebounding. Why would you want YOUR friend to be put in that position? Similarly, your friend is still rebounding. Why would you put HIM in that position?? It can't be good for anyone involved.
tkgirl Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I don't know.. I say leave it up to them... make the suggestion to each of them and see what they say. If they are ready to meet someone new.. great! if not, you tried. I think your intentions are good, so what can it hurt to ask them. And as someone's who's been recently hurt and feeling pretty vulnerable myself, I'm still all for meeting someone new... and since I refuse to do the "online" thing again, being set up by mutual friends is a good way to go. In fact, I was just told last week by a co-worker that this eligible doctor at work was interested in me.. I was like "yes!" You can't know where your friends are at as far as what they are wanting now... and even if the two just become friends, well that's always good too!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 He's far too vulnerable right now, and totally rebounding. Why would you want YOUR friend to be put in that position? Similarly, your friend is still rebounding. Why would you put HIM in that position?? It can't be good for anyone involved. True, but I'm not putting him/her in any situation where they HAVE to talk to each other. If they meet and hit it off then great, if not okay. We aren't trying to get them married or anything.
BCCA Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 True, but I'm not putting him/her in any situation where they HAVE to talk to each other. If they meet and hit it off then great, if not okay. We aren't trying to get them married or anything. Honestly, I dont think setting people up ever works. If you want, invite them and some other people over together, and see if they end up chatting or something. In my life, I've been set up several times, but its always been a disaster, and Ive kind of gotten annoyed at the people who set me up. While I understand that people are just trying to help, the fact that two people COULD date usually doesnt mean they should. I've honestly stopped talking to a couple people because of the horrible set ups theyve sent me on, they were THAT bad. And then youre going to get hounded for info, and what the person thinks of them etc... Just dont. Invite a bunch of folks over, and see if they find eachother.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Honestly, I dont think setting people up ever works. If you want, invite them and some other people over together, and see if they end up chatting or something. In my life, I've been set up several times, but its always been a disaster, and Ive kind of gotten annoyed at the people who set me up. While I understand that people are just trying to help, the fact that two people COULD date usually doesnt mean they should. I've honestly stopped talking to a couple people because of the horrible set ups theyve sent me on, they were THAT bad. And then youre going to get hounded for info, and what the person thinks of them etc... Just dont. Invite a bunch of folks over, and see if they find eachother. Those are some good points. My bf is thinking along those lines too. I guess I'm a romantic at heart.
Star Gazer Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 True, but I'm not putting him/her in any situation where they HAVE to talk to each other. If they meet and hit it off then great, if not okay. I think it's inherent in what you're trying to do though... Don't you?
Lishy Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Don't do it! They are both not ready and it would spell disaster and it would be your doing! Nope, no way!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Okay, mixed opinions. I just know that they are both sad and I thought that it might be good for them to meet somebody. I can see why it not be a good idea though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 I think it's inherent in what you're trying to do though... Don't you? Yeah, I'm sure they would both know what I was up to.
BCCA Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Those are some good points. My bf is thinking along those lines too. I guess I'm a romantic at heart. Dont get me wrong, I think its a sweet gesture. But seriously, how many people have hit it off and like eachother after being set up? Almost ALWAYS what happens is that one person is interested, the other person is not, and now the interested one is going to be calling the person who set them up REPEATEDLY to ask questions like 'what did they say/do they like me/etc'. Obviously, the uninterested party is going to care that you are now going to look bad because the other person is genuinely bummed at the outcome, and there is a good chance neither will want to hang out with you anymore because of it. I've been set up at least 6-7 times, and it NEVER went past one awkward date.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Dont get me wrong, I think its a sweet gesture. But seriously, how many people have hit it off and like eachother after being set up? Almost ALWAYS what happens is that one person is interested, the other person is not, and now the interested one is going to be calling the person who set them up REPEATEDLY to ask questions like 'what did they say/do they like me/etc'. Obviously, the uninterested party is going to care that you are now going to look bad because the other person is genuinely bummed at the outcome, and there is a good chance neither will want to hang out with you anymore because of it. I've been set up at least 6-7 times, and it NEVER went past one awkward date. Yeah, that wasn't really what my plan was going to be. I wasn't going to set them up on an actual date. I just thought we could have a party and invite a lot of people and they could meet that way. I can see where that may be problematic as well though.
BCCA Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Yeah, that wasn't really what my plan was going to be. I wasn't going to set them up on an actual date. I just thought we could have a party and invite a lot of people and they could meet that way. I can see where that may be problematic as well though. As long as its not known to everyone what the agenda is, it might be do-able. But if everyone knows this is the party where X is trying to set up Y and Z, then its going to be pretty obvious whats going on. As much as you are trying to help, the less involvement you have, the better for everyone.
Star Gazer Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 It's definitely a sweet gesture, LB. And I don't blame you for wanting to set up your friends so that they can find the happiness you have - I've been feeling the same way. BUT... you can help them, without trying to make it happen.
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 The maximum you should do, is to have a party but with both couples and singles. If you setup a party with only couples and two singles, you're forcing them together, to an extent. Beyond that, stay away from match making, particularly with two rebounders, as previously expressed by others.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 It's definitely a sweet gesture, LB. And I don't blame you for wanting to set up your friends so that they can find the happiness you have - I've been feeling the same way. BUT... you can help them, without trying to make it happen. Thanks. I wouldn't want to push either of them into something they aren't ready for. Both of them may just need to get over it before they can be ready to date again.
tkgirl Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Thanks. I wouldn't want to push either of them into something they aren't ready for. Both of them may just need to get over it before they can be ready to date again. yeah, now after thinking about it more and reading all the different opinions, maybe it's not such a good idea with BOTH of them being on the rebound... but then I have to disagree that being set up always ends up bad... I almost forgot about this but one of my best relationships started by a friend setting me up with him... we ended up being together for almost 3 years! he was definitely one of my "nicest" boyfriends... too bad I had to go end break his heart though.
Isolde Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Is there a way you could just do it really casually, like all hang out in a group in some capacity? I dissent from the opinion shown here that setups are inevitable disasters waiting to happen. If done properly they can be a great way to meet people and end up with a new friend at the minimum. As I said, in a group capacity you'd be able to see if there was any chemistry between the two, without too much awkwardness or pressure.
Cherished Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I think the idea of a casual dinner or meeting at a restaurant/quiet bar with friends is a good idea. That way, they don't know they are being set up and if they are drawn to each other, they will hit it off on their own.
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