flash582 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You need to take some POSITIVE action to regain your life. The first step is to figure out that this is HER problem, not a problem with you. Then shift ALL your focus to you and your son. Plan a vacation for the two of you, even if it is just a couple of days. Do some financial planning for the future like setting up a college fund. Shift the cash she consumed to that POSITIVE action. GET her OFF of your life insurance ( yep .... I know, you haven't done that yet, right?) Get her OFF your medical insurance. Join an Online Dating service just looking for FRIENDS, not a girlfriend. You'll find a whole lot of people who are in the same boat as you and are more than willing to talk and listen, but GET OUT of the house. Go to the beach/park. It's time to take up a new Hobby ... take a cooking class, or a yoga class, or something where you can poke a little fun at yourself. HAVE SOME FUN! She has made her decision and she needs to live with it now. STOP GIVING HER MONEY! OK ... consider this a major Bitch Slap ...... STOP GIVING HER MONEY. You DESERVE better than what she's giving you. You are BETTER than this. Give her one more penny and I'm gonna have to crawl through this keyboard and bitch slap you again, my friend. You can not control what she does, but you can control what you do.
Author Jonesey Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Hi guys, just another quick but satisfying update... I feel better as of 6 am this morning. I received an e-mail from my "private investigator" saying that we have BOTH video and photos of her truck parked in front of his house last night. The PI took video at 10:30 showing her arrival at his place. They were both outside smoking and talking and then went into the house. We then have photo stills showing her truck still there and his truck in the driveway at 11pm, 2am, 4am, 6am. The stills show lights off and no sign of movement in the house. This, combined with the pics my cousin posted on myspace of the two of them together equal adultery in MD courts. I feel so relieved now that I know she is doing this and has already jumped into bed with someone else. She has not taken any steps to fix herself and will more than likely end up in another bad situation with him. What worries me is my son. He does not need this with all of his problems and definitely does not need to be thrown into this "ready made family" with his autistic daughter and son. I know her and how she will try to wiggle into this family and be the replacement for his dead wife and a mother to his children. She is a "fixer" and this is what she does best. But, what's really screwed up is that she has neglected issues with our son and I almost bet that this guy is the reason. The guy last year was the reason she didn't care to help me help him then..... Any ideas on where I should go with this and if/when to tell her I have this proof? Thanks everyone! Jonesey
flash582 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Jonesey .... Let your Lawyer break the news. There is nothing to be gained by you taking the moral low road but everything to be gained in the eyes of your son, at least years from now, by taking the moral High road. If you don't have a Lawyer, get one. Today. You DON'T want to let her steer the boat from now on. It matters .... believe it or not .... it matters who starts the process. If MD is anything like Texas, she just lost all leverage in court and you have the upper hand. Be vary wary of manipulations now, many women will do anything and/or say anything to get what they want out of you (I know, my ex certainly did and still does, 8 years later). You have the knowledge, not a suspicion now, that she can not be trusted and that she has lied to you. You can not trust anything you can not verify now on your own. This is important. Do not trust her, period. Never be anything but supportive of your ex in your Son's presence. Never have a bad word or even a scowl on your face when you talk of her. He will love you all the more for it when the truth of the matter comes to his attention some years down the road, which is unavoidable. No matter what she is the only Mother he will ever have. You are looking at this thing backwards. You have NO ability to control her actions and you will NOT be judged for what she does. Your Son is very lucky to have you as a Father and nothing, not even Death, can ever take that away from the two of you. Focus on the relationship between the two of you and let her make her own mistakes. We're here for you if you need to Vent .... be nothing but "Professional" to her now ... as if she was someone you have to do business with, not a cheating spouse. You can let this thing take away your sanity, or you can treat it as a business transaction that you have to go through in order to go on with your life. The choice is yours. Oh .... and go as much No Contact as you possibly can.
flash582 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 One other thing ... a straight up question: Do you have a Hobby?
webmuse Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You know.. a hobby is great. I joined a singles group.. not for dating anyone (I'm only 5 weeks into this separation) but to get out & do stuff with new people.. fun stuff like baseball & hiking. I meet some of them tonight for the first time & I am so excited to be doing something fun with people that have no connection to my relationship, I don't HAVE to sit at home and ponder what if's & what not anymore.. Broaden your horizons, I'm sure there is something like that in your neck of the woods.
RinClavin Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I really feel for you buddy... this situation is the worst of the worst. You already know your relationship with her... your marriage... your friendship... your history... is all in the past. The ONLY thing you share now is your son. I really believe, based on the things that you've told me, that she is not a healthy influence on your son. Sure he may not notice that she's always late to pick him up on a conscious level but he will feel it over the years. Also the instability of being thrown into a "new" family can be devastating to any child. The new dynamic of a parent placing their new relationship as a higher priority, going from being an only child to suddenly having daily contact with "siblings". How much more confusing will it be to him because he's so young? How much more disorientating will it be for him because he suffers from autism? And in my opinion it makes it much worse that the OM already has two autistic children. Their family unit is already suffering from the illness and death of their mother/wife. Disabled children bring a whole new challenge. This is not a stable situation for your son (orthe OM's kids for that matter) and his mother is not a stable influence for him. I bring all of this up, because through both of your threads you sound like an outstanding father. You really show that your son is your first priority. I would have your PI shift his investigation to discrediting her as a parent. I know that sounds harsh, and of course I am only an outsider, but she cannot even take care of herself. GAsk his teachers/therapists to write or sign letters explaining that she often no-calls/no-shows. Get proof that she is often late to pick him up (or have him dropped off with her). You already have the proof you need to protect your finances, now work on getting the proof you need to protect your son. Good luck and hang in there!! *hug*
Author Jonesey Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Hi Everyone, Just thought I'd post to check in. Well, things seem to be the same in my life right now. She has continued having her new life with this other guy, as documented by the PI that I hired last week. She is over there alot and spends the nights almost every night when I have the boy. I told th PI to halt further investigating, I have what I need. I am having a very tough time connecting with my son through this. Even though he is only 2 1/2, I still seem to be so caught up in this mess that I have a hard time connecting with him. Yes, he is autistic, but usually I feel the bond between us and it seems I can't find that right now. I tried to take him to the mall today, just to get out and it was very difficult. Multiple tantrums and fits, smacking me, hitting me, etc.... yes, this is life with an autistic child. I am trying so hard to be strong but I keep breaking down and crying because of all the fear and anger inside of me. I worry about my son and his emotional well being since we will not be working as a couple and doing things with him together, which is almost a necessity with an autistic child. Being just him and I, it will be very tough to do the "normal" things that parents with "normal" kids do. I know she will not try to do things with him because of the difficulty of it, and that also worries me. Friends, I am patiently waiting for this to get better. I am still at my lowest point and I need some relief soon. This is soooo hard right now. On top of everything else, she is out with a new man, with all of his money, business, cars, etc... and playing the "replacement wife" while I sit here and struggle to be normal and enjoy time with my son. It may be a little jealousy now, on top of everything else, but I am not going to deny what I feel and be honest to myself about how I feel. Thanks for listening, I hope all of you are well. Jonesey
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 The peace is coming... Have you gotten a lawyer, have you looked up AOA lawsuits in your area? Have you exposed the affair, if this OM is still married you can have an affect on the affair if you exposed to his wife too. or let me guess she left him and got the kids. Get custody of your son and make her pay you child support I'd bet it put a dent on her fantasy then when she sees her check being garnised every payday. and for the cousin I wouldnt be involved with any thanksgiving or family celebration if they was there. I'd be pissed and let all my family members know why!!! I mean exactly why! As long as the cousin is around I wont be!
Author Jonesey Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Here I go again.... Guys, I really screwed up. I broke N/C with her last night. I dropped off my son and my emotions got the best of me. I cried in front of her and when I got home I called.... I asked her how my son was and she said he was sleeping. I then asked her if she could talk. First, she said no, but then I just asked her the million dollar question.... "Do you love the new man in your life?" She repeated 2-3 times that she did not want to talk to me, but I kept asking. Finally, she said "yes, I love him". It was like a knife in my stomach. I then asked how she loved him, slept with him, etc.... so soon after she left me. She replied "it just happened". I was almost sick on the phone.... I started to cry and she seemed to get angry. She said " I hurt too", and I asked how that is possible but she did not respond. I finally got really pissed and told her that she is a real piece of work and to f**k off. She hung up... WTF am I doing? Why am I letting her do this to me? I hurt so bad that I can't eat, sleep, work. I really lost it tonite, guess I showed her that I am weak and pathetic. Well, N/C day 1 starts again tomorrow...... I guess I know what I have to do.....
KTMRider33 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Here I go again.... Guys, I really screwed up. I broke N/C with her last night. I dropped off my son and my emotions got the best of me. I cried in front of her and when I got home I called.... I asked her how my son was and she said he was sleeping. I then asked her if she could talk. First, she said no, but then I just asked her the million dollar question.... "Do you love the new man in your life?" She repeated 2-3 times that she did not want to talk to me, but I kept asking. Finally, she said "yes, I love him". It was like a knife in my stomach. I then asked how she loved him, slept with him, etc.... so soon after she left me. She replied "it just happened". I was almost sick on the phone.... I started to cry and she seemed to get angry. She said " I hurt too", and I asked how that is possible but she did not respond. I finally got really pissed and told her that she is a real piece of work and to f**k off. She hung up... WTF am I doing? Why am I letting her do this to me? I hurt so bad that I can't eat, sleep, work. I really lost it tonite, guess I showed her that I am weak and pathetic. Well, N/C day 1 starts again tomorrow...... I guess I know what I have to do..... I really feel your pain, I am in the same place, although she has not moved out yet. You must stop asking her questions that you don't want to know the answer to, it will just keep hurting you. I checked my wifes txts yesterday, and was all about sex with the OM, I new what they where getting up to, but I hurt myself by checking. Somebody said to me beware of mouse traps.......you are so tempted to ask, but YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. All that crap about "it just happened" don't take it in, it didn't just happen, she made it happen, she chose for it to happen, and the "I hurt to", crap, My wife tried this with me, yeah she's been hurting, BUT and this is a big BUT, they have had a shoulder to cry on, an emotional anchor and support in the new man. The person we would have turned to in times of trouble is the one causing the pain....it doesn't matter that we have friends and family, as much as they are great, they are not that special someone, so don't take her S**t. If she hurts it's her fault not yours, let her own her pain. Once my wife goes and we have sorted the detail, I will only communicate about our children, that's it period......she will not see me cry, I will not discuss the past or our relationship. DO NOT LET HER YANK YOUR CHAIN. We must be strong....we must be a man about this, it's F****n harder than anything you have ever done but it must be done. I wish you the strength to endure, read posts from GUNNY & CHROME BARRACUDA, they will help you find the strength you need. Rest assured there is somebody out there that will love the way they should......It probably wont be her.
Author Jonesey Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Hey everyone, hope all is well and you are looking forward to a nice Memorial Day weekend. Well, another day and another step she has taken towards her new life and family. I arrived home last night from a biz trip for the past few days. Once in my car, I called the STBXW to see how our son was doing. She did not answer her home phone or her cell. I got worried because it was 845pm and our son's bedtime is 830pm. So, i I rode over to her place to see if things were ok, and she was not there. I then rolled over to her new "man's" house, with my video camera, to see if she was there. Well, to my disbelief she was there. and it looked like because of the time that they were there for the night. I called her cell, no answer. I then shot video of her truck in front of his house while my son is in her possession. I then left and went towards home, with a very heavy heart. She then called and asked what I wanted. I said I wanted to see how Karson was doing to which she replied fine. I then asked if she was home and she said she was on the way. I asked her why she was out so late and she snapped at me saying it is not late and it's none of my business where she is. I asked if she had my son over the guy's house and she said yes, for a playdate. I just laughed and asked her to please not stay there with our son , it was too soon. She scoffed and said I will be home in a few minutes, and sounded really pissed. I then called her home number a few minutes later and she indeed went home. Here's my problem with this whole situation..... For those of you who know my story, this is the second time my wife has been with another man in less than a year. She is very co-dependent and this man obviously is giving her what she thinks she needs. I do have a problem with this but I realize it is none of my business. But, when my 2 1/2yo autistic son is being drug into this situation, I have a valid reason to be pissed. She promised me, when she told me she wanted to be with this guy, that she would not mix our son up in this mess and we owuld talk before she brought our son around this guy. Well, that was obviously a lie and she does not care about my feelings on this subject. I am moving on from her as far as the marriage. But, when it comes to my son, I am not ready to just lay down and let her do what he wants. What do you guys think is the reason for her to show no signs of looking out for the best interest of our son? Is she just that messed up that she con't see what this could do to him and even our future chances of being happy, separated "parents"? I just don't understand and hope someone can shed some light on her mindset for me. Am i the crazy one here? Am I overreacting?
seibert253 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 If you have an attorney give all this info to him, and advise him what you want. If you don't have one, get one ASAP. Time for Mr. Niceguy to go by by.
Author Jonesey Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 Yeah, I will meet with my lawyer again on the 26th, pay my retainer and then file for immediate divorce on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty. This was at the recommendation of my attorney, who is a total bitch on wheels. This is my revenge for having my heart crushed twice my this woman. There will be a huge shift in my situation once I file and she gets served....I can feel it. As for my son, well, I am glad he is so young to not realize what is going on with his mother and I. Does it kill me that she is mixing him up in this new relationship and not thinking of him....? Yes! However, I have no power over her to stop those actions and I will not let it drag me down. I will let my attorney and the legal system deal with this situation....... I just wish she would get some help/therapy and realize how crazy this situation she created is. I think that the divorce papers may help her come to this realization.... Hope everyone is well..... J
Author Jonesey Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Ugh, I wish she would just fall off the earth. I went to pick up the boy this am and everything was fine until.... I said to her as she strapped him into the car, "I may take the little guy on a boat ride today". She immediately flipped out saying that he is not allowed, he's too little, etc..... I looked at her and said, "Hey, I am his father and nothing will happen to him. Plus, a boat ride is nothing like taking him to another man's house...right?". She got really angry and said I would be sorry if I did not listen to her wishes. I just smiled, laughed, put it in drive and left. I remember this chapter from our first separation. She is now going to try and play "super mom" and basically try to control what I do with our son. She somehow thinks a nice experience like a boat ride is worse than taking him to another man's home and "playing family". Well, here's where she starts to realize that she has NO CONTROL over MY LIFE! Nuts I tell ya! Nuts! Hope all is well with everyone! Jonesey
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Yuk! She should NOT be involving another man around your child. That's just unfair to your son. Go and enjoy your day with your son..
Author Jonesey Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Hi Everyone... I have been trying to help OP's and share with my experience and knowledge, but again I need a little insight.... I have been N/C for a few weeks now..... ever since I caught her with my son over OM's house. Things have been getting better, but I am still fighting day-to-day life. I have so much anger inside it is starting to bleed out in other areas of my life. Will this eventually go away? It is not healthy to be a "bound up" all of the time. I saw the STBX face to face this past Monday at a meeting for our son. She arrived early (never does that) and she stood in front of the building where the meeting was being held. I arrived and sat in my car until about 5 mins before meeting time. I then walked by her, said hi, and commented on the nice day. She seemed very sad/angry, but I just went on my own way to the front of the building. She did not follow but I noticed her looking my way a few times. The meeting started and she seemed to put away the anger/upset face for a face of the "good mom" in front of the school officials and teacher. We toured the school and had a mini-meeting to discuss the setps we needed to take to get our son registered for school. After the meeting, I walked out the front door and she was close behind. She struck up conversation about our son and I responded very lightly and jokingly. We talked about his eating issues and during the convo, she started having tears run down her face. I noticed, but just ignored it and went on talking about the boy. I then abruptly stopped the conversation, said goodbye, and left. BTW- she looks like sheer hell! She looks to have aged about 15 years..... The next AM, I dropped my son off to her in the early am and she was right back to the angry/upset face. I did not ask what was wrong, I just kept a steppin. Later that day, I text her to see if the boy was good for her. She responded and asked me if I was ok, and I told her I was. End or convo pretty much.... I then saw her again the same evening on the kid exchange and she seemed to be "better". She looked like she "dressed" a little for the dropoff and was talkative, not angry/upset. I was still indifferent to her and showed no emotion. She left and there was N/C. My question is this..... why does she seem to change every time I see her. Why is she nice, then upset/angry a few hours later? Why did she decide to show emotion in front of me when she has not shown hardly any emotion for almost a year. Especially.... now since she has left me again? I know I should not ask these questions, but I would really like to hear what you guys think.... Thanks!
SRV Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Its finally dawning on her that the grass is not greener, just a different shade. The indifference that you are showing her is getting to her, that life does indeed go on, she might have expected a different reaction from you. Just my 2cents.
TrustInYourself Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Hi Everyone... I have been trying to help OP's and share with my experience and knowledge, but again I need a little insight.... I have been N/C for a few weeks now..... ever since I caught her with my son over OM's house. Things have been getting better, but I am still fighting day-to-day life. I have so much anger inside it is starting to bleed out in other areas of my life. Will this eventually go away? It is not healthy to be a "bound up" all of the time. I saw the STBX face to face this past Monday at a meeting for our son. She arrived early (never does that) and she stood in front of the building where the meeting was being held. I arrived and sat in my car until about 5 mins before meeting time. I then walked by her, said hi, and commented on the nice day. She seemed very sad/angry, but I just went on my own way to the front of the building. She did not follow but I noticed her looking my way a few times. The meeting started and she seemed to put away the anger/upset face for a face of the "good mom" in front of the school officials and teacher. We toured the school and had a mini-meeting to discuss the setps we needed to take to get our son registered for school. After the meeting, I walked out the front door and she was close behind. She struck up conversation about our son and I responded very lightly and jokingly. We talked about his eating issues and during the convo, she started having tears run down her face. I noticed, but just ignored it and went on talking about the boy. I then abruptly stopped the conversation, said goodbye, and left. BTW- she looks like sheer hell! She looks to have aged about 15 years..... The next AM, I dropped my son off to her in the early am and she was right back to the angry/upset face. I did not ask what was wrong, I just kept a steppin. Later that day, I text her to see if the boy was good for her. She responded and asked me if I was ok, and I told her I was. End or convo pretty much.... I then saw her again the same evening on the kid exchange and she seemed to be "better". She looked like she "dressed" a little for the dropoff and was talkative, not angry/upset. I was still indifferent to her and showed no emotion. She left and there was N/C. My question is this..... why does she seem to change every time I see her. Why is she nice, then upset/angry a few hours later? Why did she decide to show emotion in front of me when she has not shown hardly any emotion for almost a year. Especially.... now since she has left me again? I know I should not ask these questions, but I would really like to hear what you guys think.... Thanks! Do you really want to know the answer? Is it going to affect your resolve knowing that she's questioning her decision? Is it going to change things, because she at times, she feels the way you do? If she wanted to try again, would that allow you to forgive her? How about this little nugget. People want what they can not have. Your NC is creating consequences to her actions.
hopeful26 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 We've only got so many days on this earth and I don't know about you but I'd like mine to be as happy as possible! Live YOUR life, not hers.
TrustInYourself Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 We've only got so many days on this earth and I don't know about you but I'd like mine to be as happy as possible! Live YOUR life, not hers. Happy is a perspective. You decide what you want and how you will feel about it. Otherwise, you are just the victim of other's decisions.
Gowithflow Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 She acts differently depending on how she is being treated by the OM. Don't buy into it. It's an act. She's finding out that she's not as smart as she thinks she is. Let her wallow in her own misery. Otherwise, she will surely just continue to build you up and knock you down!
TrustInYourself Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 She acts differently depending on how she is being treated by the OM. Don't buy into it. It's an act. She's finding out that she's not as smart as she thinks she is. Let her wallow in her own misery. Otherwise, she will surely just continue to build you up and knock you down! Probably true. You are the second option if things do not work out. Just play it cool. There is no reason to change your behavior or attitude, especially when you are feeling better.
Author Jonesey Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for the responses guys, I appreciate it. Sad thing is, I truly believe she is mentally ill and needs help. I have brought this to her attention so many times but she does not take it to heart and does nothing. I wish I could help her, but I finally realize that I cannot. I hate to see her let everything go so far downhill. This is (was) one of the biggest problems that I had during the marriage, she didn't take care of herself or things in her life. It kills me to see her slip further away.... Have a great day everyone! J
PWSX3 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for the responses guys, I appreciate it. Sad thing is, I truly believe she is mentally ill and needs help. I have brought this to her attention so many times but she does not take it to heart and does nothing. I wish I could help her, but I finally realize that I cannot. I hate to see her let everything go so far downhill. This is (was) one of the biggest problems that I had during the marriage, she didn't take care of herself or things in her life. It kills me to see her slip further away.... Have a great day everyone! J I am sorry to say, but they have to hit bottom just like some does on drugs or alcohol before they realize there is a problem. My former W was on meds that I felt were not helping her, but when I would try & tell her she wouldn't listen. Now that we are divorced she is starting to look into it....... It is sad that it takes that for them to see what is wrong, but then it took her moving out for me to see how part in our bad marriage before I did something about "ME" & that is the only person you have control over. Like I learned in one of my classes, the only person you have control over is who is inside your skin, once you go outside that skin you have no more control...... Just like you it is hard to see, but you can't do anything. Someday they will figure it out but it could be to late by then.
FoolMeAgain Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I hate to see her let everything go so far downhill. This is (was) one of the biggest problems that I had during the marriage, she didn't take care of herself or things in her life. It kills me to see her slip further away.... Have a great day everyone! J Hey Jonesey... You're right- our stories are similar. You need to be thankful that she is out of the house. That kind of drama and disfunction plays havoc on your son. You're doin all the right things. I wish I could get mine away from my DS--- FMA
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