Jonesey Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Hi Everyone, Here is my OG post from July 08... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161408/ Here's my update and some caution to the wind..... Well, if you read my posts, you know my story. Well, around thanksgiving 2008 we started to reconcile our marriage. Things started slow at first but it eventually was the way towards reconciliation. Unfortunately, from the very beginning of this "new chance" for us, I saw the same signs in her that she had not changed. I, on the other hand had finally got a hold of my anxiety and depression, was a really loving dad (with my acquired new single parenting skills), and wanted to love my wife the right way. Like I said, things were still not right with her. I found text messages on her phone to one of her MySpace friends trashing me, she still was not physically or emotionally taking care of herself, would dodge any questions about the OG separation and seemed to not input anything into making things better. I should of took the text thing and ran at that point, but I didn't. We finally talked about the day I caught her with a guy in her apt, and she still denied anything going on until I pressured her and she said she had sex with him. She cried when she told me what happened but also blamed it on me saying I pushed her to it. Still, I hung in there... XMas was good, except that I got really depressed over the recent events and the fact that she was still not helping "us" get through this. New years was fine and so was Feb and March. This was until I saw some disturbing behavior. Don't get me wrong, we had very small issues arise here and there but nothing monumental. I started noticing her not staying at my place (our old house) as much and would also make excuses to get away for ten minutes here, ten minutes there at night. This really hurt and felt awful familiar. I started "looking" but I didn't find anything. But, I still felt that something was wrong. I was also fighting the depression and anxiety again, but was trying other meds and I communicated to her, every day, how I was feeling. She was still telling me that she loved me and we were still having sex at this point. Her health was still not good and she had multiple dental issues(really bad ones) and also had other problems on a daily basis. She was spending alot of time texting my cousin (who was originally on my side of things and supported only me) throughout the day and night, to the point it was very annoying. I would ask myself, "Why can she take the time to text my cousin 24-7, but not take time to take care of herself and also attend to important issues with my son?" Well, my frustration grew and right around April 1st, we had a fight and she blew it WAAAYY out of proportion. This fight was so trivial but she used it to "back out" of our situation and place all the blame on me. I tried explaining to her that the signs she was showing...texting, being shady and leaving for 10-15 mins at a time, not wanting to be with me and our son at the house, etc... were really making me frustrated and I was very anxious about the situation. She again told me that she didn't love me anymore and that she wanted a divorce...again!!!! I was crushed, again!!!! However, this time I demanded the truth and did not kiss her feet. She finally told me that MY COUSIN introduced her to a man named "Chuck", her bf's brother, and that she wanted to date/be with him. This guy just lost his wife to cancer last year and also has a severely autistic daughter (our son is autistic as well, see earlier posts regarding this). I, very rationally, told her that I was divorcing her, was never to trust her again and that she was a very nasty person. At that point, I went to N/C immediately and went on the offensive for divorce. This was 3 weeks ago.... As of today, I have started with the divorce and all the BS. She is not helping at all and the N/C has been just that until this past Sat. I had my son and it was a day for one of his developmental activity classes. She was supposed to be there as well, but for the third time in a row she did not show and didn't even call to say she was not coming. I did not call or say anything, as I think she was doing it to get at me and to break N/C. When the boy and I got home, I put him down and I then get a call from her. She says that she wanted to apologize for being a b***h and also thank me for the b-day present I got her from my son earlier in the week. I said "no problem", and she then started asking me questions about my life and how I was doing but I basically blew her off. Weird huh? Then, last night she texts to ask about son and another appt we had for today. I vaguely responded to that but asked her for her terms of the sep agreement because my legal appt is today. She did not have them ready and I just blew it off as well. This morning, I get a dagger from her and it was very painful for me. I go to her place drop my son off at 8am, and she was not there. Take it I was 3 mins early and actually sat in a parking lot up the street because I would of been 10 mins early. I call her exactly at 8am and she says she was at the store getting smokes. I said "I was just in that parking lot for 10 minutes and you were not there". She then got silent for a few seconds, changed her story after studdering a bit and than said that she would be there in a few minutes. She finally pulls up and was obviously just getting home from staying the night somewhere. I asked her to please be on time and not to rub in my face who she is whoring around with. She was visually angry and had nothing to say except to try and lie again. I just laughed, gave her the boy and left. Now, why is she trying to rub this relationship in my face? It hurts me soooo bad and I can't deal with this kind of emotional games and abuse. Why does she continue to lie and be dishonest? I have tried so hard to make this work and I have failed again. For a second time, I am left to deal with having my wife leave me for another man, my autistic son and dealing with that pain, feeling like a failure and feeling guilty. Why did she decide to come back only to do this again? I also now have made my STBX and my cousin closer than they ever have been before by encouraging their friendship early in reconciliation mode. Even though their friendship has always hurt our relationship, I wanted them to be close in a healthy way, but that was not the case obviously. Another backfire in my face for wanting to do good by her.... Is she still playing head games? I am ok and it's not working, but I still love my wife and this is killing me slowly..... Also, why would she choose a man with all of those issues and take on that kind of relationship when she barely can deal with our own son's problems? Am I missing something? Should I expect her to come back again? I think she is mentally ill so I guess it is possible.... My advice to everyone out there thinking of reconciliation......be careful and watch everything!!!!! Your guys thoughts? Thanks, Jonesey
SRV Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 She is not doing anything to you, you are doing it to yourself by allowing her to control your emotions and actions. You cannot control how she feels, behaves towards you, whom she sleeps or doesn't sleep with. She has shown you excatly the kind of person that she is, you need to detach emotionally from her. Its easier said than done, but it something that you have to do for your own sanity. Once you do this, you will realize that we can only control what's within our grasp and ourselves. She has been long gone, and you are letting her behaviors dictate your actions, reactions and emotions. From reading your post and the prior one, what is there really to salvage from this marriage? She continues to blatantly disregard you and your son because from your actions you want to salvage the marriage more than she does. You will be caught in this unending cycle if you don't act and start for you and your son. Good luck!
Author Jonesey Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 My actions? I haven't made any action towards her in a negative way or about anything regarding still wanting to be with her. I have stayed away and have been trying to do the right things... It's just she keeps changing and throwing things in my face to, what i feel, get a reaction out of me or to test me. I have handled the last 4 weeks like the man that I know I am. I am a good person and I don't see why this has to be so negative and hurtful to me. Thanks for the reply. And I do see what you are saying and you are right for the most part....
quankanne Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 she is very much playing headgames with you, and I suspect she knows that you'll respond to whatever it is she's doing to trigger a response. is there any way you can get full custody of your child? At this point, I don't believe she's got his well-being in mind, could be a way to "get back" at you for whatever real or imagined issues she has with you ... the part about her wanting to "help" a widower with an autistic child but putting her family aside is really really odd. get your son settled, then go no contact with this woman. She's going to yank your chain long and hard just because she understands she's got the power to do so. NC will allow you to change that dynamic.
Excellent Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I feel real sorry for you man. She sounds like an awfull person, with tremendous issues. And the fact that you have an authistic son in the middle of it, i can only guess how challenging that must be. You are doing the right thing tho, don't let yourself want to save this relationship, it's obvious that she won't change. And that she is putting all the blame on you is just pathetic imo. Follow through with the divorce, and demand full custody for the kid (if you haven't already). I would not let my kid be with a mother like that, who knows what he woul pick up. One day everything will backfire on her, and perhaps then she can see the pain she has put upon you. Keep strong, and move on!
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Screw her and your cousin, they will reap what they sow. and stay 180 with everyone who helped destroy your marriage including her! You need to see is she has NPD. It's not you, it definitely her! be happy your ending it now with her and you get to start over. get custody of your kids. She's an idiot!
Lucky_One Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 One small thing I see - you say she is rubbing her relationship in your face. No. She wasn't. She lied about having just left home because she was trying NOT to rub it in your face. If she wanted to rub it in your face she would have said, "Sorry I am late. Samuel woke up with morning wood and it was SO GOOOOODDDD." THAT is rubbing it in your face. She can either lie about it, or she can be honest about it. Either way, you are going to be hurt or angry. So really, wouldn't you RATHER she hide her relationship from you? You know she is having it; why do you want to know the details of it? And for what it's worth - I am sorry you are going through this. I hope that things work out for you and your son in the best way possible.
mark982 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 why not transfer custody of your child at another place besides her house. that way you don't have to see what's going on.perferable someplace that has video(7-11 etc)
Athena Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Hi Jonesey, I read your previous thread and now your update in one sitting. Well, you have had a very painful and emotional past several months! When I look at your update, I see the following about your wife-- She sounds irresponsible She lies to you She has had multiple affairs She doesn't put your son first She tells you she doesn't love you She Blames You for cheating! ha ha She doesn't trust you, and you don't trust her She's been sleeping around and covering it up, while pretending to be with you Does this sound like Wife Material to you? Quite clearly she cannot cope. In the marriage, in taking care of your son, in her own life, in nothing... she has very immature coping skills. What do you find so attractive about her NOW? Why do you continue to love her when she is lacking in Everything? This is not an 'unconditional' love you give to your child here... this is an adult to adult love, and she should be your partner, your equal, or at least have many redeeming qualities... I see none. Your love is based too much on your feelings, and not so much on a real loving relationship with her based on reality. I don't think your love is going to last. It's bound not to... it's feeding off itself, and she simply isn't contributing to it in any way. Time to give her up. I can't deal with this kind of emotional games and abuse. Why does she continue to lie and be dishonest? Because that is the core of her character -- it's flawed and there is nothing you can do to 'fix' her. She is selfish and looks out for her own needs to be met, at the expense of your M and you, and your son. She just doesn't care. Why did she decide to come back only to do this again? ... Is she still playing head games? I am ok and it's not working, but I still love my wife and this is killing me slowly..... No, I don't think she is purposefully playing games with you, rather, I think she just cannot help herself... she is wishy-washy at best, and whoever looks to be the firmest/strongest foundation in her life (man-wise) is the guy she goes for. For a while that was you, when you tried to reconcile. But, I do think it is just human nature to 'try' one more time... so it wasn't a game for her, she was torn up about cutting ties to you. Sorry to say, but it looks like you are going to have to take charge here and cut her out of your life as much as possible. Don't hang around waiting for her to choose you. She is all over the place, and I don't think that is good for your mental health anyway. Also, why would she choose a man with all of those issues and take on that kind of relationship when she barely can deal with our own son's problems? Am I missing something? Probably because the other man is good with taking charge and dealing with problems, and she needs someone to take care of her and her life. Remember, since she cannot even take care of herself physically, nor her housework, or put her child as a priority, so will she NOT be helping this OM with his problems, but, rather, lean on him! Should I expect her to come back again? I think she is mentally ill so I guess it is possible.... I doubt she will be back. Not so long as she has a whiff of something different out there... and if you entice her back to you, shame on you... then you will be doing nothing to get out of this entrapment with a toxic person who doesn't know how to be loving or stable!
Athena Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Screw her and your cousin, they will reap what they sow. and stay 180 with everyone who helped destroy your marriage including her! You need to see is she has NPD. It's not you, it definitely her! be happy your ending it now with her and you get to start over. get custody of your kids. She's an idiot! Chromey! I want you for a friend! You are ready to bash your friends enemies for them :bunny: BTW, I don't think she has NPD... sounds more like codependent...
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Chromey! I want you for a friend! You are ready to bash your friends enemies for them :bunny: BTW, I don't think she has NPD... sounds more like codependent... LOL I'm just speaking the truth. why should he as a man be put through all this pain for a stupid woman? And whether she's co-dependant or NPD or BPD or bi-polar, whatever. she could wait until she's divorced to start dating again. She sees he's in pain and is hurting and yet she cannot stop herself. So in that case my advice to him is to detach, and stay NC and enforce a very strong 180. And since he's seperated I think the best thing for him is to work on himself. Work until he's a new person, work until he's better than the man he used to be. and when he's ready he can take on things emotionally and not feel a bitterness to it. This is his first marriage and he was damned if he did, and damned if he didnt. we all know the real reason why the marriage is ending. And he could look himself in the mirror and be happy he's away from such a idiotic woman! It sucks now but it gets better.
Author Jonesey Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Hi everyone and thanks for the replies. I feel she is messing with me because since I went 100 percent N/C, she has been doing weird stuff to get me to talk to her or get a reaction from me. It started this past Sat by not showing up to our son's class. This was the 2nd time she no-called and no-showed for this and she knows it gets to me. When I didn't call to ask where she was or even bring it up when we saw each other, it pissed her off. She then calls a few hours later and tries to be sweet and nice and ask me about things in my life, she got shut down mid sentence. Note- she has not called "just because" for over a month. Another score on my card. She then refuses to help me with legal paperwork, and I do not get upset or say anything negative. One more for me. The last thing she could do would be to "forget" to get home in time to receive my son and look like she was getting banged all night. Yup, no real response or reaction except for her to stop playing and be there on time for our son. I have a feeling this behavior will continue and that's why I asked for everyone's opinion. I do not want her back, I just want to move on like I have been without this BS. I have been doing a great job over the last month but the stress, hurt, pain and all of those build up and I used this board to constructively vent. My wonderful cousin decided to post pics of my STBX and her new man on myspace today. Guess what, right after my lawyer consultation...... She may be in real trouble, I made a very nice arrangement tonite that will really hurt her case for anything in court..... I can't believe people are this stupid. Thanks everyone! I hope my story will influence some in the same boat I was in to look harder and think reconciliation through. J
Athena Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I hope my story will influence some in the same boat I was in to look harder and think reconciliation through. Meaning that you regret trying to reconcile? That you think it's a bad idea? Are there any 'signs' you can think of when it is a bad idea to try to make the M work? or when it may be a good idea? Can you elaborate please
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Meaning that you regret trying to reconcile? That you think it's a bad idea? Are there any 'signs' you can think of when it is a bad idea to try to make the M work? or when it may be a good idea? Can you elaborate please This woman is too far gone for reconciliation. and what makes it bad is that his own flesh and blood contributed to his marriage's undoing. Stay No contact. jonesney. please you should be happy she's not contacting you, if she's so happy let the new OM make her happy and stay off your back. Hopefully when custody is squared away, you can live again.
Admiral Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Leave her. She snoops through your email, doesn't want you having fun with your new bike,. I stopped reading the post after that, you REALLY need to use paragraphs.
Biggie25x Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 You need to listen to the advice you have received on here. It's been right on. She has some serious problems that she needs to work on and let the next guy/s work on it. Make sure you take care of your son and try to get the most amount of custody. It seems like she can't think of anyone but herself and it probably won't be a great place for him to be raised. Don't let her jerk you around. Based on my experiences and what I've read they all try to do that. Don't let them control you like that. You may not feel it at the moment but do it anyway. It will make you hold your head up when its all over. It will be tough but hell it gets easier as it goes on. Good luck, take care of yourself and your kid. Leave her behind and don't get caught in the drama. Who needs that. Just talk to her about business and let the rest go.
Author Jonesey Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Meaning that you regret trying to reconcile? That you think it's a bad idea? Are there any 'signs' you can think of when it is a bad idea to try to make the M work? or when it may be a good idea? Can you elaborate please Yes, trying to reconcile with a ww, especially after they left you for someone else or to "play" I feel is a bad idea. They do it for selfish reasons, disrespect you and everything in the two of your lives, all to get some greener grass. Once they realize you are slipping away, they snap out of the daze they are in and slowly start the walk back. We, being the left behind spouses, are still so hurt and vulnerable that we do not see that they come back for the wrong reasons and get kicked in the balls for a 2nd time. I actually saw the signs that the same person, not the woman I married, was the one that came back and somehow knew it was only a matter of time. I actually said to her back in Dec and a few times since then when I caught her doing something shady "why would you take our one and only shot at this and throw it away?". She would never respond and as normal would not tell me what she was thinking..... The signs will probably be different for each person but they will be there. For me, it was a combination of.. - Still being lied to - Still no acceptance of responsibility - No actions to reestablish trust (especially after infidelity) - No drive or ambition to make things better - Constant attention to trivial things like text msgs, internet, etc... - No communication from the spouse - Obvious lack of care about themselves, marriage and possibly even children When she came back in Nov, I took the role of the one who pissed this marriage away and went on the offensive to fix things and make this marriage work. Even though she left me and really put me through hell I took the blame and ate alot of s***. I do not know why it happened like that and felt that way. I was so lost and hurt that I was just glad to have her back and would do anything to keep her. My own self respect went out the window and that bothers me greatly. Christ, when I caught her in the first couple of lies within the first couple of weeks of our so-called reconciliation I should of been out of there. Unfortunately, I stayed and I am again in the gutter. Her lies and deceit got progressively worse and I eventually was dealing with the same woman that I was with last year before our seperation. The same woman that was having multiple EA's and one (maybe more) physical ones. If you are going to try to reconcile, make sure you are out of the "fog" and have some self esteem and respect for yourself. Otherwise, you may make the same mistake I have made. Thanks Guys, J
Athena Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 It sounds like you are still blaming yourself in a way -- when you say things like you should have left after catching her in her first couple of lies within the first weeks of reconciliation, and in other places in your post. It's out of your hands, the character that she is. You cannot control her. Time to forgive Yourself, and move on without her... you'll be better off for it in the long run, it's only going to be painful initially. I don't think it's any kind of reflection on you, that she is rejecting you and moving on -- it speaks volumes about the person she is.
Author Jonesey Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Wow, this has been a very tough weekend for me. I do not have my son and I feel I am losing my grip on this situation. For the first time since she left me again back in early April, I am feeling very sad and depressed. I have been fine and have been moving forward but I don't understand what is happening inside me right now. I have not broken N/C, but she has been very passive aggressive over the last week about issues with my son. I ask her for information about a certain situation with our son and she waits 3-4 days before responding. This really pisses me off because I know she does it to get to me and it works. I just hold it in and put on a happy face, but it builds after a while and it feels like a knot in my stomach. I also asked her this past Tuesday if I could pick up my son on Sat (her weekend) for an hour in the morning to go to the park. She also waited until Friday evening to respond to that request and it was basically denied. Again, I stuff it deep down.... Sorry guys, I just needed to vent. Don't be too hard on me, I am really trying to keep things in perspective but these emotions are building and building.... Happy Mothers Day to all of you! Jonesey
PWSX3 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Just a couple of suggestions that work for me. 1) Go to the gym, ride a bike, go for a walk, anything to release some of that stress/anger you are feeling. 2) When you get mad at her, get out a pen & paper & write down your feelings, write down how mad you are & then tear up the paper & throw it away.....It is good to get those thoughts out on paper & then be able to throw them away. I would also suggest just journing as well. I find it helps to go back in a month & read what you wrote because it helps you see, yes I have done better. For me when you don't have something to show your progress it can feel like you are just stuck when you really aren't.
Author Jonesey Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Thanks for the suggestions, I will give it a shot and see how it helps. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I feel so terrible. Maybe it's because I have not seen my son in 5 days...? I am just confused as hell right now because I thought I would not have to feel these emotions again. I feel the same as I did back in July/August.....
flash582 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Your hurting in a way that only those of us that have been there can understand. Here is the short version. When you are single you inevitably work on yourself. You grow and change. When you are in a relationship you don't work on yourself. You grow and change at a much slower rate. You are expecting her to grow and change as you have and she isn't. Well, she won't as long as she is seeing someone else and/or has no desire to change. From what you've posted her growing and changing is a requirement for you to reconcile with her ... as she refuses to be single, it isn't going to happen. Stop expecting her to change and move on with your life. She will either get it and come calling or not, either way you should not let it alter your life one little bit. Take charge of your own world and live your own life. Don't make your life conditional on her ... this is the only path you can follow and maintain your sanity now. However, I would agree with the statement .... SCREW HER and the Horse she rode in on.
Author Jonesey Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Guys, I really am in trouble. I woke this morning feeling worse than I did all weekend. I had to p/u my son this morning from her place at 8. The exchange was ok but she asked if she could pay me the ins money this Thurs instead of today. She said the reason for not having the money is that she is 100% broke. I said "no problem" and pulled away. On the way home, I hurt so bad about the thought of her not having money and figured I would give her a check for a few dollars. She came over my place at 9am for our child's meeting with a speech therapist. I gave her the check and she was shocked. I told her I was only trying to help her get past a rough patch and that I would expect the same from her. She thanked me and throughout the next 2 hours, was very nice and sweet to me. I still talked of nothing but BS, I didn't let her on to how I was feeling. A few times, she got a little close to me, much closer than normal. When we parted, I just said "thanks" to her and left for daycare with my son. I am hurting so bad right now that I cannot even work. I am almost paralyzed and this is not fair to feel this way. I don't know what to do, how do I get out of this hole? She also brought over a few things of mine from her place I asked her for last week, which was also painful for some reason. Can anyone explain what is going on with my brain and my heart? Why do I feel so down and worthless? Why am I being obsessive about her, the situation, and the guy she left me for? I am approaching my limit.....
flash582 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Your Heart is breaking. Don't hesitate to see a Doctor ... I did, and Antidepressants can be your friend.
webmuse Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 It takes a special person to do what you did for her. Why don't you give someone else a chance to be with a great guy like you? It's sad that you waste all that you have on someone like her. and as a side note.. I can almost guarantee that she will be back within 6 weeks complaining shes 100% broke again.. hey free money is free money..
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