About to give up but still not lost all hope

[Perrier]

Hi guys,

 

Wasn't sure which category to post this under but this seems the most appropriate. Me 38 yr old female, currently seeing guy for seven years who is two years older than me. Although I'd like the relationship to be more serious (we rarely go places together) I feel he may not be receptive cos I noticed attempts to pull things closer result in him becoming busy or stuff like that. The relationship has split twice before when I felt taken for granted and he split things when he couldnt find time for me and another time he went to live with a woman he just met cos he overstayed his rent free place and couldn’t stay with mum cos they've been on bad terms for most of his life. This woman chucked him out after five months and destroyed all his research work and property (he is a university lecturer) cos he upset her too many times then he was forced to go back to his mum's.

 

His poor relationship with his mum (whom he said he hated and who hated him), he took it out on me, also both our parents are seperated, his dad is dead 12 years, he is an only child with five living relatives apart from mum but there is no contact there. He relationship now is much better with his mum. My mother left the family when we were young and lives 3,000 miles away, has no contact with us, so me and my siblings grew up with my dad only. I have never blamed anyone for this as everybody had problems.

Because of this I've always tried to empathise with ppl who have problems. I've never discussed my problems with him cos I didn't think he'd be interested. He has behaved how he likes, disappears then resurfaces, calls off the relationship claiming he told me it was the end etc. I have put my foot down in the last two years though so am happy about that.

 

Recently during an argument started by him he threw all my family problems in my face and this greatly upset me.

Days later when I phoned him after he had been hiding, he apologised saying it happened during a heated quarrel, I said I dont throw his stuff at him in a quarrel. I said I considered a verbal apology easy to say over the phone, that it isn't showing me anything actionwise. He made it clear that I have to accept it or not, that he is not going to write anything cos he doesnt want to and that he is sorry to say that is all he has for me.

When I continued to complain he told me he is not going to listen to me repeat myself and he began laughing. I got cross, told him it is insulting to be laughed at, that I do not laugh at him. Sometime during arguments he swears at me and I am the one to extend the olive branch after. I dont know how you do this with someone you respect or care about, maybe some ppl are different.

 

I am angry, I feel someone who cares would make that effort to write unless I am being unreasonable there? I don’t feel verbal over phone is weighty enough for that type of misdemeanor. Also he helps his friends at the drop of a hat with their problems, if anything is bothering me I keep it to myself cos he was indifferent on two occasions in the past and this put me off.

 

We live 30 mins drive away from each other, he has his own place on and off for last five years, got thrown out cos couldnt pay the rent so went back to mum, saved up and is back in the same flat again. We haven't seen each other since November last year, he says he is busy and is going through a lot of S**T with family etc. One of his friends died recently, he texted me this. He has contacted me three times in five months, I thought he could make more effort or maybe I am unreasonable cos he is having problems at the mo? It seems to be me keeping the ball rolling and he hides after an argument which he starts or if I get upset with him.

 

I have to say I am losing respect for him and feel angry (with him and myself too) and don't feel anything for his supposed problems now

I don't understand why he behaves like this. Outwardly he is educated and charismatic and seems to have a wide circle of friends. Myself I am less outgoing but am quite independent and happy with the simple things in life

I have now composed a nasty SMS text to him (throwing all his probs back at him - not the way I know) which I havent sent yet but am planning on doing so soon. I think this guy should know how it feels for a change to have painful stuff chucked at him.

 

I know this is a long text but thanks for reading guys.

Take care

[TaraMaiden]

Delete the sms.

Replace it with two words.

 

Bye Bye.

 

This is all you need to say, because this relationship is a farce.

it is toxic.

you have no respect and not communication.

there is absolutely no good emotional reason that I can see as to why you two are still together.

 

 

_/l\_

[Perrier]

Thanks Tara. I can see the logic in your advice. There is next to no respect or communication in my situation I think you're right. He doesnt seem receptive to talking.

 

I do still feel angry and upset about the stuff thrown at me, I didn't expect it from someone like him. I think I will contact him to let him know how I feel. He is just brushing off everything from the end of the phone.

[catt417]

Oh yes, your mate sounds exactly like mine. I get blamed because he does not see his children, friends, ect when I have always welcomed and loved his children. I too am happily independent. He takes all of his problems out on me and then leaves me because he needs time. However during that time, he falls into destructive behavior and always comes back, and I am expected to forgive and forget the emotional damage it has caused me.

 

I dont know what to make of men like this but I will tell you what my thoughts are on the subject. I think that they are always searching for some form of happiness and dont know where to go to find it. I think deep down inside themselves they know they are the root of all of their troubles but it helps them brush it off to blame it on someone else. It is a sick, sick way to live. I know that when I am with mine, he complains about not seeing his children because they are always too busy for him. Yet when he isnt with me, he says he needs time to concentrate on them as if I was the one pulling them apart. I get blamed when he doesnt see his friends, yet I have never stopped him. That is when he leaves again and says that he needs time with them. It has become our way of life and not a very good quality of life, at that.

 

All I can say, and it has been hard for me to do myself, is that we need to make our own lives. We are looking for happiness from someone that CANT provide it for us. Geez, they have a hard enough time even contributing to our happiness.. It is all about where they will get their next meal, booty call, all about them. And somehow you just need to reverse that so that it becomes all about you... Mine spent all last week with me, disappeared on the week-end and has been giving me sparatic phone calls ever since. I know that I have always been too available, too reliable. We should get what we give. I think the only way to do that is to become not so available/reliable. Does that make sense to you? When someone knows you will always be there, they take it and run with it...The only time this man is afraid of losing you is when he has left you for too long and you dont call and beg for him back. He is afraid that someone else is reaping the benefits of your wonderful reliable and available self. Someday he may be down on his luck and have noone there, not even you. His fault and he will have noone else to blame. Then maybe he will have to take a good look at himself. Hugh?

 

That is my advice to you...I need to follow it myself...I will talk to you soon.