CryMeARiver Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 It has been almost three weeks since he broke it off with me for good. We dated a total of 4 months. It was the classic whirlwind where everything was perfect. He intro'd me to his mom and kids (he is divorced with three and 47; I am 37, single, no kids). He took me out to eat. Scenic rides. Plowed my parking lot when it snowed. Cooked for me. Called and texted. Made my heart melt when I saw him. We met just before xmas and it was magical. Right after Valentines, things began to unfold. He did the classic weaning away...where I saw him less, he called less, and so on. In March he tried to break it off; I went to his house a week later in tears and begged him to reconsider. Fool! It worked for 3 more weeks. The next night we ended up slow dancing and having a wonderful time. Alot more details I could add, but he broke it off April 14. I did everything wrong up to that date. Texting, calling, dropping by, gifts, and begging. I thought I was being romantic but now realize I messed up. It finished driving him off. He went thru a painful divorce and is part commitment phobe. He is hardened because of it. Im not making excuses for his behavior, but I felt i drove him away with my pleaing. We even had sex the last night, knowing it was the end, and I began begging and crying again and he threw me out. My last words were: I love you. Im sure that REALLY helped. Idiot! LOL After that night, April 14, I have made no contact. It has been hard, we live in a small town. Been taking back roads everywhere. I drove by his house once in the middle of the night, but it upset me so I swore I would not do that to myself. I have not bashed him, nor has me me. In fact someone saw him a couple nights ago and asked him how he and I were doing. He didnt say we broke up or anything; he clammed up and walked away. I have almost texted him too but thank GOD erased it. Im miserable. I am flooded with memories of all the wonderful times together. He has issues but I accepted them with a whole heart, just the way he was. I think he needs to feel free right now, and I smothered him away. Im being proactive by being in the gym, tanning, putting together a new wardrobe and so on. I even bought an e-book on how to get him back! LOL dont laugh. And I google the internet for hopeful storys of reunited love. I know sooner or later I will run into him and it will be like a shotgun blast to the face. Maybe if I look better, Ill feel better and more confident. I just wonder if I have a chance though. I may have him thinking I am a complete nutjob. I am SO ashamed of how I acted. I just wish I could do it all over again. Can someone help a hopeless romantic out?
bluechocolate Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Can someone help a hopeless romantic out? Sounds to me like you invested way too much, way too fast & let your emotions run away with you. In my opinion at 4 months you should just be about considering if the relationship is exclusive. You got caught up in the euphoria of a new love & jumped the gun. He may have just decided that you two were not right for each other, something that we've all done when dating new people. Be thankful he realised after only a few months rather than a few years. I am SO ashamed of how I acted. Don't beat yourself up too much over it, we've all been there. Live & learn.
nsundram Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Hun, don't beat yourself up over it. Relationships are an experience for all, he sounds like an absolute pig. At his age he should know better than to treat women like crap, especially when he has young children. Sounds to me like he really liked you, but perhaps you were a little too clingy, and as weird as it sounds, men hate TOO MUCH affection, where as we crave all the attention they can give us. You should never beg a man to be with you, the way I see it is, if you have to beg someone to be with you, it's like a lawyer arguing a case to the jury in court. SAME THING. You shouldn't have to persuade someone to be with you. I feel for you, I always throw myself at men, and it scares them half to death. You think that they are interested in you, so you go off and do everything you possibly can to please them-backfire! If he blows a sweet girl like you off, who would obviously do anything for him, then let him go off on his merry way and struggle living in the past with his divorce/committment issues! He wont get very far, will probably end up a lonely old loser! x
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 It concerns me though that you became so attached, so dependent and so committed to the point of virtual assimilation, in such a short time. Pleading, begging crying... these are indicative of a relationship that has taken years to develop, not a few weeks. These weeks were days in which you should still have been cautious, guarded and tentative... So how on earth you can be feeling so desperate after this time, is really quite worrying. I don't mean this unkindly or critically, but I think you were in need, not in love. I think this is something you may have to consider. _/l\_
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Hi Everyone and thank you for the replies. Heh, I do wonder myself how did I get so attatched after 4 months? I have been in long term relationships before, years long. I have never been a person to rush into anything. But also, a guy I dated one time...the next girl after me he married within 6 weeks! LOL Practicality would never allow me to do something like that; I am college educated and self sufficient and feeling like this has me feeling vunerable. All I can say is that we were inseperable for that time and did everything together. He'd even come to my work and visit for a long time. I work in a bar in a small town and it didnt help that people were very much up in our business. He is very handsome and my meddling neighbor even told him that I had a secret BF in front of another one of my neighbors who told me about it. I figured he'd realize what kind of person she is as she is a heinous gossip. But supposedly he said then "Im going to start backing off". I wonder if that caused trust issues and made him shut down. I know it's not healthy, but I fell in love. Is it textbook or proper? No. Heh, if I could listen to reason, things would be easier. But this time I threw my heart out there. I admit I am hoping the NC thing will help him reassess. Forget my gurilla tactics in the end and remember the good things about me. Right now he is laying low and my lord, so am I. Im taking back streets to work and everything because I fear running into him until I get myself together more emotionally. I'll post more later. If anything, this is so helpful that you have listened to me. I dont need/want to talk out about this where I live. It is a small town and allowing people to spectate too much on my personal life has helped in causing me great heartache. Any more thoughts? All welcomed.
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Also, here are a few more specifics: -We never fought or raised voices. -We had a lot in common: Music, love of outdoors, knew the same people, are both well liked and considered nice people. -He became agitated when I wouldnt answer the phone and would show up at times. It could have been I was in the shower or etc. His attention was incredible! -A friend told me he is still mourning his divorce. His ex is about to get remarried and i wonder if that has him freaking. A friend of his told me he never got over the hurt from it. -He took me out to eat constantly, made a tye dye shirt for me, bought me perfume, cooked out for me and I did him as well. Even cooked for his kids. -After the first initial breakup and we rekindled, he seemed on fire again for a short time, then regressed. -Not that this has a big point because sex is sex, but the attraction was powerful on both ends. -The night he finally broke it off and threw me out, he tried to give me a "fave" necklace of his to remember him by. I dont understand that! I refused it because I told him it would be too hard to look at it and know it was over. I also bagged up the things he gave me....perfume, shirt, and everything and left it there. I told him I wasnt ungrateful but again it would be too hard to see those things. He said I should put it in a closet and look at it from time to time to remember good times. WTF? LOL I dont know its all so confusing. More later.
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 I was called into work tonight as the other bartender had a toothache. When I get there, she is feeling better and wants to finish the shift. SO I decide to go to a friends house directly across the street. As I am visiting on the back porch (with a good view of where I work), I notice my exes car driving slowly down the street. He pulls in the parking lot of the bar and circles slowly. Then he goes around again ( I left my car in the parking lot and walked to my friends). A friend of his was with him and he sent him in to get package (which means he figured I was inside and made his friend go in). My GOSH! He is really avoiding me! It can only be one of a few things a - he so does not even want to see my vile face b- He is scared of me. Thinks Im nuts c - its just too soon and awkward. When he left, he drove right by the porch where I was sitting and didnt look over. I know he saw we were there and Im more than sure his friend told me I wasnt in the bar (there was only a couple people there). On top of missing him, I know feel like he is afraid of me. I havent called or texted in 3 weeks tomorrow and went out of my way to avoid him (to control my emotions). And still, he may be spooked. What think you>
boldjack Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Cmr, I may have misunderstood. What about this "secret bf"?
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 There was no secret BF. I had an earlier LDR with a man, but hadnt seen him in 3 months when I met this man. We are still friends but that is IT and only talk on the phone once in a while. The neighbor told him I was still seeing him to start trouble.
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Three weeks ago tonight, we broke up. It feels like a million years! At any rate, was checking in to see if anyone had responded to my post from last night, where the ex was trying hard to avoid me. It really has upset me all day. I barely slept last night. I just want my normal life back! How long is this game going to go on, him avoiding me like the plague. Maybe he is just ansy on facing me, not knowing how I will react. Or maybe he just really hates me or is disgusted by my antics in the end (two cards, two letters, two necklaces, texts and phone calls). I thought 3 weeks would soften the blow, but what is he thinking? I know I can concern myself with it so much, but how can two people who liked each other so much somehow be enemies? I feel totally thrown out of his life, and him avoiding me makes me feel so terrible. I am VERY glad he isnt coming in to where I work, dont get me wrong. I dont know how I could take looking into his eyes. Maybe he knows this and thinks it will give me false hope. I still am mourning greatly his loss. I miss him so much, miss talking to him. I miss him smiling at me and making me laugh. I miss his smell and hearing him breath softly when he sleeps. Funny, I keep picturing his bed and how it smells, and remembering his ultra flat pillows and how he made up for it by letting me sleep on his chest. I really truly fell in love with this guy. I wish I could flip a switch and turn it off, or do an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" treatment. Or, if I had that luxury, wave a wand and have him back. Just a late night lonely vent. Anyone out there>?
helovesme Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Awww, you sound like a nice person. Everything happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. If it's meant to be it will be. Give him some space and time to be without you. You may have done too much too quickly, but just let it be for now. Keep doing the gym, going out with friends and keep busy. Time is the best healer - it just feels like forever when you live it. BE STRONG!!!!!
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Can someone help a hopeless romantic out? Yes, in the future, select another hopeless romantic, rather than a hard-hearted, commitment-phobic, divorcee. NC will help you. It will also help his thoughts to go elsewhere, stopping that energy flow that IMO hopeless romantics pick up on. It will be quiet. You will move on.
Leveller Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Just give him time to heal and give yourself the same. He could well change his mind but, and I've had this happen to me, don't let your emotions overtake you. One woman I dated felt this way about me but I felt nothing towards her. Attraction is instant but feelings can only grow over time.
DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I hate when these things happen... It seems as though people do everything to make you fall in love and once you're in their net, they just leave you and run... He does not seem like such a nice person to me, hon, forget this bstrd and go on with your life... Would you really need a person who would live you from a day to another just as you are doing well? If he was not ready for another relationship, he should have been honest with you and should have never behaved the way he did showing you like he was all this committed and when he got you to the state he wanted you to get you to, he ran. He definitely has his own issues and problems but he should solve them on his own. He should have never involved you in this situation like this if he was not sure he could have given you a normal relationship. Therefore, as much as he might be suffering because of his divorce, I don't feel any pity for him because of what he did to you. Don't blame yourself. You fell in love because of what he showed you of himself before. Now look at what he's showing you now. This is also him, hon: a man who starts things when he's not ready to and just leaves them in the middle when HE WANTS to. This is not what you want. You want somebody who respects you and your feelings and is less selfish than he is. Take care of yourself.
EmperorR Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'd like to say in regards to the length of the relationship it means nothing it's how m uch you invested, my last ex I've known for over 5 years on eof my closest friends, then we started dating she dumped me 3 months in just wanted friendship, I fell for her deeply and no way I could do that. It sucks because I lost a good friend and even someone I loved, I know people will say it was only 3 months bla bla, but to me it was much more.
Author CryMeARiver Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thank you for your replies and keep them coming. I need all the support and cousel I can muster right now. It was 4 weeks ago tonight since he broke my heart. My emotions are raw and glaring now. They are like PMS on meth, crack, and, coke. I am sad. Then angry. Then defeated. Then hopeful. Then sentimental. I miss him. I want revenge. I suck. It's my fault. It's his fault. He is a monster. He is an angel. LOL See what I mean? One thing is constant throughout those emotions...it is still worth it to try in my own way to get another chance. I feel all this intense hurt and think, can I take the possibility of going through it again? One thing I realize in this no contact period of trying to drop off the face of the earth is that I must become strong and independent enough to be able to handle either way, really and truly. I hope this absense has him forgetting negative memories and giving away to positive ones. Any thoughts to why he tried to give me his face beads as he was breaking up to me? Sadistic, guilt, or indicitive of some form of caring>? Late night straw grasping?
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