TiredofWaiting09 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 This long, I apologize in advance! Okay, so it's been a little over a year since my bf and I broke up...We were together for about 2 yrs, and he had doubts on several occasions (about every 3 months or so for the last year). He felt pressure to figure out if I was "the one", and was never sure, so he would get into moods of being distant for a couple of days while he thought about it. It was awful for me when this would happen, I didn't like knowing that he was contemplating being with me...even on a dating level, not even for marriage. I put up with it the first couple times, but told myself that if he got into one of those moods again, I would have to end it because it wasn't fair to be with someone who was so unsure. Well, two months after my twin sister (we are REALLY close) moved away, he began doubting again. After trying to work it out, we ended it but agreed to stay friends. (I'm learning now that this is not a good idea). He wanted to stay friends, and the thought of not talking to him, especially after my sister had just left, was too much for me as well, so we agreed to try. So here I am, a full year later, and I feel like I haven't moved on at all. Yes, I've had my moments, but overall, my feelings for him are the same, both physically and emotionally. We've talked about getting back together, because it seems that we practically are now anyhow, but he is still having issues with doubt about a long-term future, and I worry it will end the same way again. I've dated other people since about a month after the break-up, none of which has worked out. During these times my contact with my ex was minimal, and it's was the guy's decision to not pursue things further. I've been happy with a couple of the guys, but then really disappointed when it didn't work. My ex has gone out with a couple different girls, but it hasn't led to anything serious, or even casual for that matter. As time goes on, I'm finding that I'm becoming less interested in other guys, and more interested in my ex. We spend more time with each other than with other people, and we are supportive for each other in many ways. The thought that he could be with someone else at any moment makes me sick, mostly because I've decided that when this happens, I will have to cut off all contact (I'm not sure I could handle seeing him with someone else), and our friendship would be gone. He seems more lighthearted about the whole thing, and would like to still be friends even if we are both dating other people. I'm writing because he has been in CA for a week, and will be there for one more. We've never spent this much time apart, and it's been difficult not having him around. We've talked some through texting or AIM, but I don't want to bother him while he's away, and even though it's hard, I think time away from each other is good. I miss him a lot, but I'm not sure if he feels it as much. I'm very much looking forward to when he gets back, so things will be back to normal, but I'm not sure that things should be the same when he returns. If he doesn't think we have a future (when I've asked he says he sometimes thinks yes, and other times no), should I continue friendship with him? Part of me is afraid I may never move on if I keep hoping that he will come around, while the other part hopes that if we remain friends, maybe he will come around. Anyone been in a similar situation of have any advice? I feel so lost and confused...Thanks!
LadyV Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 First, I want to say I am so sorry that you are going through this. Second, it sounds to me like he has commitment issues.... I am one to say...Let him go, or back off and give him his space. At the same time, one to say, sometimes it's harder to let go, so I just hold on. That is my scenario. I fell in love with a man who just can't commit. As soon as I would back away, it was like he would suck me back in. He has told me on several occasions that he just can't commit, nor does he want to, but yet, he can't seem to let me go. This is discerning to myself as well and keeps me on a short leash...if he would text, I would answer, if he would call, I would jump...but in the end, things would be the same. It's like we broke up a month ago, but we are still acting like we are together...except for saying that we are "together". He has pulled away several times, saying no contact, only for one of us to break it, then the cycle begins all over again. He said he didn't want me out of his life, and just can't let go...It would suck me right back in... It's hard to pull back, although I have tried several times, I am confident that I finally am putting things together and seeing that this relationship of convenience is not working for me. Like you, we are there for each other, and several times he has said to me, "it isn't fair to you for me to be doing this to you." I would tell him, "Hey, I have no expectations." But truthfully, it keeps me hanging on, when he has made it very clear that he is moving forward...I thought that being friends would be good, because I didn't want him out of my life...Now, more than anything, I just hope to never hear from him again....Just for my sake, and to heal and move forward...as long as I am in this limbo, I will never be happy....Plus, it keeps me so readily available to him, and I am not willing to do that anymore. I see a lot of similarity in our situations, I am gone for a week...out of town on emergency. Our contact has been limited; and I have realized that I am NOT happy with the way things are. I want someone to commit to being with me, no matter what...not of the wishy-washy back and forth mumbo jumbo. He will NEVER commit to me, and to be honest, I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with him again out of fear that he may just pick up and go once again, leaving me feeling like I'm and worth nothing....I know I am worth so much more than this...and have to start believing that....The question to ask yourself is, are you happy where things are? I mean, how do you feel about him seeing other girls? What would you do if he were to find someone who he is wanting to be emotionally connected to, and how would you handle it if he were to completly cut you out and not talk to you anymore because now there is someone else there? Honestly, if there is one thing I want to tell you, it would be cut ties and go to NO CONTACT. I told my ex just today that I don't want to hear from him at all...although this is a cycle we have started, I am bound and determined to let him go because I am just really tired of feeling like I too am waiting around...I even went as far as had his phone number blocked so he can't reach me... Smart move in my book!!! It isn't fair for you to hold onto something that might never be...at the same time, the one you are looking for maybe out there, and I"m sure you wouldn't want to feel like you missed it because you are holding onto him and hoping he will come around.... Think about it, life is TOO SHORT to be worrying as well as waiting for someone who just might end up walking away again, and you left to pick up the pieces of your heart that was just shattered by someone who can't fully commit to being with you...This is something I too, am trying to accept....
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