Is this really coping??

[PinkRibbon]

Is what we are doing really coping?

 

I get up...get my daughter out the door and go to work. Where I stay for 9 hours a day and then drive home to be miserable in my own existence. To only try and make it through an evening. Just one more evening is what I tell my self. Barely cook, barely clean and barely breathe. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don't dream about him because I am in a drug induced sleep and if the house caught on fire I wouldn't wake up.

 

But I do think about him every hour that I am awake. Wondering where he is what he is doing. Does he miss me, does he think about me, why doesn't he call, why doesn't he text, why did he leave...why why why???

 

Then I am on to what what what. What went wrong, what did I do wrong, what could I have done, what could we have done, what can I do to get him back?

 

I am thinking I really pissedthe Goddess off to put me through this. I was happy for 1 year...truly happy. I never once in that year worried, stressed, or doubted he would ever be here. I woke up everyday looking forward to the day. I don't think I have smiled and laughed so much in my life in such a short space of time. I really felt like the true me. I believed he would always be here. Never in my mind did I think he would be gone.

 

It can't get much worse than this and if this is coping then it bites. I would honestly hate see to if I wasn't coping, if I was doing poorly. I think I need to remember this pain so I don' t let it happen again. I need to keep coming on here to remind my self not to get close enough to anyone to let myself get hurt again. Because this isn't coping this is being half alive.

[Montclair0011]

Hey Pink Ribbon - You sound so sad and I can relate. Your life sounds similar to mine (end of relationship that I wanted so badly to work). I may be a little less intense, mostly because I'm sort of giving up the anger and feeling hopeless about it (I don't think he's ever coming back intellectually--although I'm having a hard time letting go and my heart keeps looking for him to return). But my therapist assures me that I'm doing well.

 

She bases this on activities that you describe you are doing, such as getting up every day and going to work (actually I'm unemployed but I do a lot of temp type work while trying to find a new job). You are also acknowledging your pain and perhaps slowly working through it. Given your situation, you should be feeling lousy.

 

Anyway, I think I've been at this for longer than you have and I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better (it's all baby steps--this healing thing). It's very important to KEEP BUSY. You should also exercise--much as I hate doing that it's helping me to feel better than I ever did when I took anti-depressants (another possibility for you to consider-I took them for about a year and they did help).

 

Anyway, you need to keep busy, exercise and hang out with friends, etc. Just go through the motions even if you don't feel it. What you don't want to do is roll up in fetal position in the closet (or the car--which is what I prefer) and cease to function. You have your daughter to look after and that should help to keep you going. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. That is coping in the real world.

 

You also have NC which is necessary but soooooo sad. So yeah, you are doing OK, but your pain is masking the progress.

[blind_otter]

There is a Zen saying, "Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water."

 

I guess, in my experience anyways, there is a certain healthy numbness that comes with getting out the door and just living your life. Sometimes, especially in the deepest moments of grief after loss, that is the best you can expect - a momentary respite from the deep sadness that you feel. Heck, sadness doesn't even cover it - there are so many emotions you go through when you part from someone, especially in a sudden and unexplained way. Anger. Hatred. Regret. Sadness. Guilt. Anxiety.

 

But you know, as time goes on, if you keep doing this - those moments of peace will come more frequently and last longer. It's a cliche, but it's true. Time heals all wounds. You get up, take care of your daughter, take care of yourself - force yourself to walk as if through jello sometimes. But it gets easier, slowly. Imperceptibly - you rarely notice.

 

One day, though, you wake up and realize that it has been days since you thought of him. Later on, it will be weeks and even months. Sure, he will come to your mind sometimes - but those times get fewer and fewer. Those times when he does occupy your thoughts will be hard, but you get through it. It's hard, and it hurts. I know, and I'm sorry for that. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I really do. It will be OK.

 

I really know how you feel, if that's any consolation. You are not alone.

[Biggie25x]

I just read your posts and while it might be different for me what has helped me is just not letting her effect me. Knowing that even if I don't feel it now I will be okay. To not let myself dwell on my pain. If I do find myself in tears I just start doing something else and sooner or later I am not thinking about it anymore.

 

Rather than dwelling on it try going out and doing something. Search for divorcecare on google and join the group. Join a group you have always wanted to be involved in. Fake it until you make it.

 

Don't let them effect you this way. Don't let them take you down. Ultimately they are not worth it. If they were they would be with you. When I am feeling down no matter how bad I just tell myself I am better than that. That eventually I will be better and I will be over it.

 

Listen to the advice you get on these forums. Look at other posts. The advice here has helped/is helping me more than almost everything else. People on this forum have seen me through some dark times. Focus on your daughter. No matter what she deserves better. Get involved in her life and take care of her. Don't give in to the feelings of it was my fault etc...it takes two to make a relationship fail. He owns his share of mistakes. It was not all your fault.

 

Keep your chin up and keep plugging away.

[notalone]

Hi PinkRibbon,

 

I am exactly where you are if not worse. Two months of sheer misery while the object of my affection has moved on happily. One and a half years of a committed relationship and 3 years of friendship before that....all gone in a poof.

 

I dont have any child so nothing to occupy me when I am awake. The only thing I can think about is how can someone who loved me so much and shared so much with me can turn into a total stranger in a matter of days. Every night I sign into facebook and see pictures of him and his new girl....their sweet nothing postings to each other...and then I consider my options between sleeping pills and a razor. I usually go for the sleeping pill and sleep till 1 in the next afternoon. I dont even go to work anymore (family business....quit it).

 

So many whys and so many whats....I know what you are talking about. It has been so long since I have laughed or listened to music. My life right now is all about surviving another day. It doesnt get much worse than this.

 

Take heart PinkRibbon....I dont know if this is coping...because it seems like a downward spiral to me.

[PinkRibbon]

I don't look at any of his pictures. I either deleted them all or threw them away. I have nothing but memories to remind me of him and those are far worse to deal with than any photo. We had a wonderful relationship which is why I am having a hard time getting angry and letting go.

 

I am not coping very well. My body is so tired of being sad. I physically feel sick all day long. I really don't want to think about any relationship if this is what I have to look forward to. Dumped and hurt again. I just don't see how this is coping. But I appreciate everyone's help in getting through this. I still wish he could come back so I don't have to cope anymore.