BubblyPopcorn Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 The REASON I think there's no reason he shouldn't be attracted to me, is because I can FEEL that he IS. I don't think every guy I meet is attracted to me. But I can usually tell if he is. I honestly don't think I am idealizing him. That doesn't even make any sense!
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 This whole "the one" thinking is what makes you feel so powerless. Theoretically, in a perfect world, Jack might be the one. Who knows, maybe in five years you guys would be a perfect match. But right here, right now, you aren't, and that's ALL that matters practically. The moment you stop thinking of him as the one, the more you will be empowered to make the best decisions for you. And one day, you will laugh at this. One of these days, you'll meet someone who you will think is the one and he will be. It's not an "if you're wrong once, you're wrong forever" proposition, I promise you that, though I often fear myself that it is. I don't know, Isolde. I don't really believe in the concept of the one. I just believe some people you are not capable of falling in love with, and some you are. Chemistry: you either have it or you don't. And with him I feel a lot A LOT of chemistry. And I don't know what to do with it, or how to shut it off. I'm going to go insane if I have to work with him for a long long time though. I don't know how long that is.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 That doesn't even make any sense! My point was that this isn't some weird thing my psyche is doing, longing for what I can't have, or needing to prove to myself I can have anything. I just like him. That's it.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Spookie is it really true youre 215 lbs? Lol. No it's 265 now. I gained some weight while I was losing some hair. Do you think he likes me?
Isolde Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I mean, I don't believe in the concept of the one but when you find the person that you end up with, or even just have a very long R with, they sort of become the one. Make sense? You can have several "the ones" in your life and maybe one big "The One" or whatever... there's a whole spectrum of one-ness! Chemistry isn't as rare as you make it out to be. It's a combination of chemistry, compatibility and fortuitousness/timing that makes relationships work. THAT is rare, and that is why we post on LS.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I mean, I don't believe in the concept of the one but when you find the person that you end up with, or even just have a very long R with, they sort of become the one. Make sense? You can have several "the ones" in your life and maybe one big "The One" or whatever... there's a whole spectrum of one-ness! Chemistry isn't as rare as you make it out to be. It's a combination of chemistry, compatibility and fortuitousness/timing that makes relationships work. THAT is rare, and that is why we post on LS. Yes. I know exactly what you mean. That's how I think of it, too. You can even have your big one be someone who isn't right for you, unfortunately. Whom you don't have any chemistry with. (That's the path I'm trying to avoid.) If it's not as rare as I think, why do I only feel it once every 4ish years?
Isolde Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I've experienced mutual chemistry several times in my life, and it didn't lead to anything once. I will say this, though. If you are open to finding chemistry and relax and bring your best self to the table, it happens much more often. If you get to know people you have things in common with, that helps too. That's really not the difficult part. The difficult part is finding people that you're also compatible with, in terms of romantic wants and needs, or in a manner of speaking having a similar romantic "style" as the other person; and finding them at the right time. But since chemistry is what drives people to want a relationship, it can confuse people into thinking that compatibility exists where it doesn't. Conversely, it's actually possible to ignore chemistry if you believe a person is not what you're looking for in a relationship.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I've experienced mutual chemistry several times in my life, and it didn't lead to anything once. I will say this, though. If you are open to finding chemistry and relax and bring your best self to the table, it happens much more often. If you get to know people you have things in common with, that helps too. That's really not the difficult part. The difficult part is finding people that you're also compatible with, in terms of romantic wants and needs, or in a manner of speaking having a similar romantic "style" as the other person; and finding them at the right time. But since chemistry is what drives people to want a relationship, it can confuse people into thinking that compatibility exists where it doesn't. I dunno. From my experiences dating very different kinds of guys, I don't think compatibility is all that special. I also think he and I would score well on that part.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 It isn't that I don't appreciate y'all trying to help me. (I really, really do!) But, I want to point out, that you are wasting your breath. Just so you don't become frustrated when it's 1 year later and I'm on the same spiel. I would LIKE to take your advice. Take him off the pedestal. Realize we're incompatible. Etc. But I just don't think it applies. I already know that I'm not going to get over this soon. Definitely not while I work there. This has become an issue of managing the problem, not making it go away. It's not going to go away. Try as I might, I can't see how he's not perfect for me. The one thing that would've helped is if I could start feeling like he really din't like me; but I've been unsuccessful at even that. Despite the evidence (is it there?) I still feel very strongly that he likes me.
Art_Critic Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 But, I want to point out, that you are wasting your breath. Just so you don't become frustrated when it's 1 year later and I'm on the same spiel. Is that like a disclaimer that says "I'm not done being an immature drug addicted youngster who doesn't want to listen to anyone or change but wants to just waste the time of others who are trying to help me ?" Just curious.. because that is the way it sounded to me... either that or that was your denial coming out about any issues that you wish to resolve but care not too until some other date.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 So, my question is, directed in particular at the more experienced corporate types (I'd really appreciate your input, TBF...) can I talk about the elephant, the next time he takes me aside to discuss my career (scheduled for next monday)? Can I say something like, my biggest concern remains the fact that I see no end in sight with regards to working with him, and while I truly think he's a fantastic boss, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job, it feels like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen, and if I have to wait forever I'm going to go insane? Plus if I hear news that he's got a new "special friend" I don't even know what will happen to my insides.. Inappropriate? Or appropriate, given the context of the conversation and the nature of our mixed-up boundaries?
Isolde Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think of it like this. Without chemistry, compatibility isn't special; without compatibility, chemistry isn't special. You need both. It's possible that the work situation and/or other girls in Jack's life are preventing the two of you from coming together. But you could say that about so many things. I could say that because so and so guy was in an R when we met, we're not together even though we had chemistry and are compatible. Etc, etc. The fact remains that context matters. I think you really need to work through this a bit more with your therapist, the whole "managing" part. OK, my advice ends there. Good luck Spook.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Is that like a disclaimer that says "I'm not done being an immature drug addicted youngster who doesn't want to listen to anyone or change but wants to just waste the time of others who are trying to help me ?" Just curious.. because that is the way it sounded to me... either that or that was your denial coming out about any issues that you wish to resolve but care not too until some other date. No. I want advice. And I respect that most people's opinion is that he's on a pedestal. I'm just saying he isn't. And I'm warning you that repeating the same thing to me is going to get frustrating fast. And come on. Don't keep telling me I'm an immature drug-addicted youngster. That's just not fair. I think my lifestyle is pretty respectable right now.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I think of it like this. Without chemistry, compatibility isn't special; without compatibility, chemistry isn't special. You need both. It's possible that the work situation and/or other girls in Jack's life are preventing the two of you from coming together. But you could say that about so many things. I could say that because so and so guy was in an R when we met, we're not together even though we had chemistry and are compatible. Etc, etc. The fact remains that context matters. I think you really need to work through this a bit more with your therapist, the whole "managing" part. OK, my advice ends there. Good luck Spook. I do agree that without correct timing, nothing's special, unfortunately. It just seems so dumb that that's what's in the way. (If that's it.) I can't help but keep wanting to fix that.
Land Shark Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 So, my question is, Can I say something like, my biggest concern remains the fact that I see no end in sight with regards to working with him, and while I truly think he's a fantastic boss, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job, it feels like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen, and if I have to wait forever I'm going to go insane? Plus if I hear news that he's got a new "special friend" I don't even know what will happen to my insides.. Inappropriate? Or appropriate, given the context of the conversation and the nature of our mixed-up boundaries? Don't you already know what people are going to say? TBF in particular? I think you haven't figured out that dwelling on this is fruitless. Talking about it is fruitless.
Jake Barnes Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 No. I want advice. And I respect that most people's opinion is that he's on a pedestal. I'm just saying he isn't. And I'm warning you that repeating the same thing to me is going to get frustrating fast. And come on. Don't keep telling me I'm an immature drug-addicted youngster. That's just not fair. I think my lifestyle is pretty respectable right now. youre in immature drug addicted youngster
Jake Barnes Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Don't you already know what people are going to say? TBF in particular? I think you haven't figured out that dwelling on this is fruitless. Talking about it is fruitless. TBF would benefit from smoking a few bowls
Art_Critic Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 And come on. Don't keep telling me I'm an immature drug-addicted youngster. That's just not fair. I think my lifestyle is pretty respectable right now. First off you missed my reference to denial... I have almost always felt you are in denial about most of your problems... of course most of us are until we see the light and try to fix it. Do you still take drugs and get drunk ?.. Maturity... look at the title of this thread... Again, if he was interested, would he have for 100% sure made a move? You are rambling on about some guy you work for that you have a crush on.. a guy you altered your work reputation over and not in a good way.. that is immature in my mind.. not that you did it.. but that you did it and still think it was okay and still wish it to go further.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Don't you already know what people are going to say? TBF in particular? I think you haven't figured out that dwelling on this is fruitless. Talking about it is fruitless. You know what, before I came to this coffeeshop to steal this internet to hang out here all night, a thought struck me: it' will be pointless. All I accomplish through posting is increase the chance Jack stumbles onto my online persona tonight. Admittedly, I probably don't want that to happen. So, I think maybe I'm retiring. From starting threads. Yes... that's the new rule. If I ever get a date with Jack, I'll let y'all know. But until then... I really love you all... And thank you so much for the advice. I think I hear your voices inside my head, anyway. I pretty much always know what everyone's going to say. No need to have you actually type it.
Touche Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 TBF would benefit from smoking a few bowls Ok, Spookie I think you're maybe just used to getting your way and you can't accept that you're not this time. Welcome to becoming an adult. Get used to it. Anyway, I won't offer much advice since I don't like wasting my breath as you say, but I can pretty much guarantee that your crust will be all but forgotten by next year. Oh and that kind of chemistry isn't rare at ALL...it's rare when it's returned though. Hold out for THAT, because this one ain't biting.
Touche Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 You know what, before I came to this coffeeshop to steal this internet to hang out here all night, a thought struck me: it' will be pointless. All I accomplish through posting is increase the chance Jack stumbles onto my online persona tonight. Admittedly, I probably don't want that to happen. So, I think maybe I'm retiring. From starting threads. Yes... that's the new rule. If I ever get a date with Jack, I'll let y'all know. But until then... I really love you all... And thank you so much for the advice. I think I hear your voices inside my head, anyway. I pretty much always know what everyone's going to say. No need to have you actually type it. WHOA! No offense Spook, but what do they put in the coffee over there?
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 First off you missed my reference to denial... I have almost always felt you are in denial about most of your problems... of course most of us are until we see the light and try to fix it. Do you still take drugs and get drunk ?.. Maturity... look at the title of this thread... Again, if he was interested, would he have for 100% sure made a move? You are rambling on about some guy you work for that you have a crush on.. a guy you altered your work reputation over and not in a good way.. that is immature in my mind.. not that you did it.. but that you did it and still think it was okay and still wish it to go further. Firstly: No, I don't still get drunk. I still smoke pot, but not nearly as much as I used to. An "acceptable" amount, in my book. Secondly: I did not ruin my reputation, as far as I can tell. Many good things career-wise occurred after my "confession". Directly behind many of those were the very people I talked to (HR and our bosses). Maybe honesty and directness are in higher demand in the workplace than you traditionalists would like to think?
Touche Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think I hear your voices inside my head... I don't doubt you hear voices but something tells me they're not ours.
Author spookie Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Ok, Spookie I think you're maybe just used to getting your way and you can't accept that you're not this time. Welcome to becoming an adult. Get used to it. Anyway, I won't offer much advice since I don't like wasting my breath as you say, but I can pretty much guarantee that your crust will be all but forgotten by next year. Oh and that kind of chemistry isn't rare at ALL...it's rare when it's returned though. Hold out for THAT, because this one ain't biting. If this is what adulthood was all about, it blows. I always thought it was about the opposite. Getting exactly what you wanted.
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