redfathom Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I think too much has happened and been said between the H and myself to ever go back to the way things were. There is too much regret and guilt on both sides. He regrets what he has done and I regret reminding him of it. I still have doubts from time to time and he is done feeling guilty about that. He told me sometimes he wishes he could start over with someone else, I feel the same way at time too. We both agree that we still love each other, and we both agree that no matter what happens we will both be heartbroken. I am heartbroken right now... I asked him last night what he wanted and he said he doesn't know, that he is on the fence. Affection is awkward and diminishing, we can't even comfort each other anymore. So how do you cut the cord, how do you move on, how to you try to limit the effects and impact as much as possible? What do you do when two people don't know what they want? When they both know staying in the relationship and leaving it are both painful?
Molley Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Have you both tried individual counseling or marriage counseling? If you both say you still love each other but are on the fence, then why not try and give it an honest chance... move forward, stop thinking about the past. Try to reconnect by being kind to each other. And you're right, you'll never be able to go back to the way things were. I wish you all the luck.
Author redfathom Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 We did IC and MC in the past, but never got very far with the MC. My IC personally told me I should leave him, after the 1st session. I didn't like that so I only went to a few sessions. I don't want to worry about the past, but some times history has a way of repeating itself so it's always going to be there. In my mind and in his. Staying in the relationship feels like setteling, saying "well, it;s not great, but it's good enough." And neither of us can decide if "good enough" is worth fighting for...
blind_otter Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Why not try a trial separation? It would give you a sense of how things would be if you parted.
Author redfathom Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 We has a seperation about two and a half years ago. I left because we were fighting and he was always angry. He was depressed or at least became depressed and suicidal. I went back and he took the steps to get help and is on medication. When I am not with him I think more with my head, so divorcing seems like the best option, logically (for us both). BUt when I am with him or think about him (not the situation) I tell my self that I need to hold on. I also worry about his mental state. I told him yesterday that I sometimes wish he would meet someone else and want to end things for that reason. I told him he deserves to be loved. He tells me he loves me, but he also wonders if things would be easier for us both if we divorced... If we didn't love each other this would be easier, but even though we love each other we stil hurt each other.
Juristhea Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Breaking up should be the last resort if your marriage can no longer be fixed... And if it really is your choice, then the best way to break up is to tell him the truth and maybe some time apart from your relationship might help you realize where you both went wrong and only time will tell if you really are both meant for each other.
lostsoulmate Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 We has a seperation about two and a half years ago. I left because we were fighting and he was always angry. He was depressed or at least became depressed and suicidal. I went back and he took the steps to get help and is on medication. Good, is he still working on this? When I am not with him I think more with my head, so divorcing seems like the best option, logically (for us both). BUt when I am with him or think about him (not the situation) I tell my self that I need to hold on. I also worry about his mental state. I told him yesterday that I sometimes wish he would meet someone else and want to end things for that reason. I told him he deserves to be loved. He tells me he loves me, but he also wonders if things would be easier for us both if we divorced... When you are not with him you think with your head, or gut? You need to let go of how he feels, those are his emotions not yours. You both deserve to be loved and love. If we didn't love each other this would be easier, but even though we love each other we stil hurt each other. Sometimes love just isn't enough. You both deserve to be happy, staying in a relationship that feels toxic is no way for either of you to live. Cutting the cord is hard, but the best thing usually is the hardest to do. Good luck!
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 When I am not with him I think more with my head, so divorcing seems like the best option, logically (for us both). BUt when I am with him or think about him (not the situation) I tell my self that I need to hold on. Any kids involved? Also, when you refer to "what he has done", what are you referring to? And how was your M before the "event"? Sorry for not knowing the backstory ... Mr. Lucky
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