I faked being hurt for attention - have I lost it?

[Nikki Sahagin]

First of all I should mention how embarrassed and ashamed I am to even have to say this...and hopefully some others who have followed some of my story on LS (trialbyfire, Geishawelk, Taramaiden) will be able to offer something in the way of constructive advice to enable me some increased awareness as to why I did this.

 

I realise it is a very childish response to a lack of attention and also perhaps communication. I often struggle with verbalising how I feel. If I then feel i'm not being listened to, I struggle even further and internalise how I feel. I realise my behaviour is childish and manipulative, but why, nearing 20, am I using childish strategies to express myself? Have I not grown or progressed?

 

I actually feel like I lost my mind momentarily. As I have mentioned many times, me and my boyfriend have been having problems, and I noticed that to get his attention, I sometimes get bizare thoughts like, what if I let myself get hit by a car? etc. Then he would care for and love me more. The thing is, these have always just been thoughts. But today I actually did it. My boyfriend was recently very ill and I looked after him for a week, so maybe I am drawing on how his illness made me respond. But I behaved very bizarely and frightened myself today. I made myself cry and caused myself physical pain purely so he would look after/care for me/give me attention. Lately I have felt very angry/impatient/emotional - I wonder if it is hormonal (very irregular periods and as time passes, the behaviour becomes as erratic as the cycle). This is the only 'explanation' I can think of, seeing as I become so emotional and irrational, that in the moment what I did didn't seem crazy at all, but now i've exhausted myself to the point of numbness, I think, my god, am I crazy? Am I just on the verge of a breakdown? Am I just very childish? I'd like to add I didn't fake anything serious i.e. cancer, just cried etc, so I haven't instilled unneccessary worry or fear beyond that a regular complaint would incite, but still, I mean, whats wrong with me??? Should I see someone about this?

 

I have read a few threads on this site whereby people have mentioned narcissism, and I wonder if perhaps I may be a narcissist?

[Donovan]

i don't think you've lost it but you should be careful about faking injuries cuz your words can be prophetic. it's just that you are/were madly in love. nothing wrong with that, you're not the first to do it and won't be the last..

[Soul-Searcher]

How did you cause yourself physical pain?

 

This is serious if you feel the need to harm yourself to get attention. This is not healthy. Have you tried getting therapy of some sort to overcome this?

 

I am sorry I couldn't be more help. I am not aware of your background. I would like to send you hugs though. ((hugs))

[Nikki Sahagin]

How did you cause yourself physical pain?

 

This is serious if you feel the need to harm yourself to get attention. This is not healthy. Have you tried getting therapy of some sort to overcome this?

 

I am sorry I couldn't be more help. I am not aware of your background. I would like to send you hugs though. ((hugs))

 

Its embarrassing to even say but I shall say it anyway. I stabbed myself in the stomach with a sharp object (didn't draw blood or bruise, just pushed it hard enough to give myself a sharp pain down the side of my stomach) and also tried to limit my breathing so I would be breathless. I feel scared even now to say this because it makes me feel completely unhinged. I am scared I was even capable of doing this; i've never self-harmed in the past at all, but I received some 'enjoyment' from it, like I needed to punish myself and needed him to make me feel worthwhile.

 

I have been to a therapist before but not for this. I think I am embarrassed and scared to actually have to talk about it face to face with a person.

[Soul-Searcher]

Its embarrassing to even say but I shall say it anyway. I stabbed myself in the stomach with a sharp object (didn't draw blood or bruise, just pushed it hard enough to give myself a sharp pain down the side of my stomach) and also tried to limit my breathing so I would be breathless. I feel scared even now to say this because it makes me feel completely unhinged. I am scared I was even capable of doing this; i've never self-harmed in the past at all, but I received some 'enjoyment' from it, like I needed to punish myself and needed him to make me feel worthwhile.

 

I have been to a therapist before but not for this. I think I am embarrassed and scared to actually have to talk about it face to face with a person.

 

This is very serious and you need to get professional help asap!

 

Have you tried asking yourself why you feel the need to harm yourself to get attention from your BF? Are you scared he will leave you or something like that? I hope you also go to the doctor about this injury just to be on the safe side.

 

There is no need to feel embarrassed about this. Being a psychologist myself, I can assure you that people in my profession have heard everything. Nothing shocks us. Please don't let these feelings get in the way of seeking professional help. You have acknowledged that you need help and this is the first step to recovery. Don't let this get out of hand. You said you are scared. Good!! This fear will help you in the recovery process.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is very serious and you need to get professional help asap!

 

Have you tried asking yourself why you feel the need to harm yourself to get attention from your BF? Are you scared he will leave you or something like that? I hope you also go to the doctor about this injury just to be on the safe side.

 

There is no need to feel embarrassed about this. Being a psychologist myself, I can assure you that people in my profession have heard everything. Nothing shocks us. Please don't let these feelings get in the way of seeking professional help. You have acknowledged that you need help and this is the first step to recovery. Don't let this get out of hand. You said you are scared. Good!! This fear will help you in the recovery process.

 

Thankyou so much for your kindness. I really appreciate it. We are so up and down and are possibly going to end it soon and I just felt very desperate and frightened in the event that that may happen. I just wanted to feel cared about and loved outside of all the uncertainty of our relationship at the moment, and I suppose no care is more immediate than for someone who is hurt. I'm just frightened because I know I am usually quite rational, self-aware and self-controlled - and I just lost it. Is it best to go to a therapist through a doctor?

[Soul-Searcher]

Thankyou so much for your kindness. I really appreciate it. We are so up and down and are possibly going to end it soon and I just felt very desperate and frightened in the event that that may happen. I just wanted to feel cared about and loved outside of all the uncertainty of our relationship at the moment, and I suppose no care is more immediate than for someone who is hurt. I'm just frightened because I know I am usually quite rational, self-aware and self-controlled - and I just lost it. Is it best to go to a therapist through a doctor?

 

No need to thank me. We do a lot of crazy things when we are in love. You are not the first and won't be the last. What concerns me is that you put yourself at risk. I am happy however, that you have realised what is going on and have taken a step back and said "hey, something is not right here".

 

I am going to send you a PM. You are going to be surprised when you have read it. I would like it if you keep the contents of that PM private.

[Nikki Sahagin]

No need to thank me. We do a lot of crazy things when we are in love. You are not the first and won't be the last. What concerns me is that you put yourself at risk. I am happy however, that you have realised what is going on and have taken a step back and said "hey, something is not right here".

 

I am going to send you a PM. You are going to be surprised when you have read it. I would like it if you keep the contents of that PM private.

 

Of course. Thankyou so much. Its amazing what someone can do just by taking the time to read something you write and reply, without judgement and with just a little support.

[Lucky_One]

(((((Nikki)))))

 

Please contact your therapist again; I think you can gain some clarity and a sense of being pro-active in that.

[burningashes]

You need to see a professional. As well, you are not getting some of your needs met. If your needs were being met, you would not feel inclined to fake injuries for some attention. Make a list of what you feel is lacking in your life, and take action in coming up with solutions to make your needs fulfilled. You can do this in the mean time, but please go see a professional before it gets worse!

[Star Gazer]

A friend's GF started doing this (but he didn't know about it). She then faked cancer... treatments, the whole nine-yards.

 

Please get help.

[Trialbyfire]

Nikki, listen to Soul-Searcher. She's got some really good insights on this matter!

[TaraMaiden]

Nikki,

I am sorry I did not see this until now...

I have to say immediately, I think it very important to do two things:

One, listen very carefully to Soul Searcher he/she(?) sorry.... Seems absolutely qualified to help you in the most professional way possible. I hope that this really does help you.

Secondly, I wrote a response to you yesterday in your other thread, about Self and Mind...

don't think about this at all for now.

The most important thing is to nurture yourself and to look after you.

This was in all essence, not so much as a request for attention, as a cry for help.

Something is obviously amiss, and you need to find the root.

It is possible yes, that rather than narcissism, you are actually suffering a form of depression.

You may even be Bi-polar....

Highly intelligent, very analytical, extremely bright and mentally agile, but to extremes.

Like my sister in law.

 

Please try to relax.

Very easy to say, but not so easy to do.

How I wish I could be by your side just to hold your hand and let you know you are safe.

there is no danger.

because now, so early, you recognise the irrationality of your actions.

I do not think you can harm yourself drastically. but that you have said something now is extremely positive.

idiotic as it sound, breathe.

Breathe slowly, deeply and calm yourself.

Nikki, we all care for you.

So young. But it's bright....

Don't worry.

 

Please keep in touch all the time. Follow Soul Searcher's counsel, and yes, maintain confidentiality.

But I wish you well, both you and soul searcher.

It is difficult to offer precisely the help one would like to offer, through such an impersonal medium... and so far away too. Good of you, soul searcher.

But we are all close to you, Nikki.

take care.

With much Metta and Karuna.

 

_/l\_

[kizik]

Nikki,

 

I don't "know you" in the sense that we've never met in person, but you're a sweet young girl. There's the key word - young. You say you're 20? My god, woman! You have plenty more boyfriends left in your life, and hopefully not as many stabbings

 

Seriously though, no one in this world wants to see you injure yourself, even if you're not drawing blood. Be nice to our Nikki.

 

I want you to know, Nikki, that I completely understand wanting to hurt yourself in order to get attention from the BF. I fantasized about all that and wondered how much she'd care if I was dead.

 

And it doesn't matter, because people are forced to go on without you, and everyone loses whether they realize it or not when an awesome person like you hurts herself, even in the non-fatal sense.

 

And not to knock Soul-Searcher, but you should also make sure to see an in-person, RL counselor to help with these thoughts.

[missmich]

It sounds to me what you've done is something called Self Injury or Self Harm. A lot of people do this as a way to cope with emotions they can't handle and not so much as a way to get attention,but maybe that's partly why You did it. I can't really say for sure since I don't really know you.

 

Either way you do need to see your doctor or a counselor of some kind.

 

I've suffered from Self Injury before and it can be really scary and you might feel like you're going crazy at times. I did feel much better after admitting to my doctor and some close friends what was going on. I got the help I needed and learned better ways to deal with things.

 

It's good that you notice that you feel worse around your period,it's something you can mention to your doctor. I'd suggest keeping a small journal of the way you feel and when during the month you have those thoughts and take it to the doc with you.

 

It's ok,you're not alone in this. Just take care of yourself and get the help deserve.

[robaday]

I've been here done it. the boy who cried wolf until the girl fled to the mountains. she got sick of my craving for attention and i really don't blame her.

 

Mine was to the extreme tho, i ended up pushing her way beyond caring. what did i do when it ended-serious self harm, crystal meth, cocaine, ecstacy, xanax, bottles of vodka, 2 packs of cigarettes a day. clearly the craving for attention was something I was lacking within-felt that only she could help.

 

I'm embarrassed really, hideously, but at least learnt a lot. don't get to the stage I did, seek help before it becomes a habit-it did for me and I paid the price-at least you have a chance to salvage your self respect,

 

look after yourself

[era]

It sounds to me what you've done is something called Self Injury or Self Harm. A lot of people do this as a way to cope with emotions they can't handle and not so much as a way to get attention

 

Yes, that's true...

 

And they will tell you that they do it "because the physical pain feels so much better than the emotional pain".

[missmich]

Also the physical pain that you inflict on yourself is something that you can control.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thankyou for all of your responses. They mean a lot to me.

 

Since then me and my boyfriend have broken up, and I cannot cope at all. I am crying as I write this. This month I was planning to go away with him, its my birthday and I have exams. I can't even get the focus together for my exams. I am terrified I will fail this year because I can't bring myself to focus.

 

I just feel so low and I don't know how to get the feelings out. Talking and socialising make me feel worse. So does being alone. I feel like i'm being tortured. I just really have the strong urge in myself to just die. I can't stand it I don't even know if I want to without him. And I know I am pathetic but I love him so much. I feel like i've completely gone back to being a child; I can't do anything for myself. The world just makes me feel angry and disapointed now that he has taken himself out of mine. I feel bitter and isolated. My head feels like its splitting in two. I'm scared to sleep. I can't eat. Whats worse is he may be sacked from his job and had to have some important tests done for infertility etc after having a serious infection. And to think I can't be here for him if these things happen to him, makes me feel destroyed. To think we both have to go through things alone, and not together. I really just feel desperate. I didn't even feel this bad the first time. There is something this time around where I feel I NEED him, because I can't cope with my birthday and my exams and my worries for him, on my own.

 

I was so excited for my birthday and now its something I dread. And I am frightened about how I feel, because living right now feels like torture, and the only way I feel I can escape it is just to not be here. I don't feel strong, I feel weaker. I don't feel by surviving this i'll be stronger; i'll just be cynical and cold. I don't feel I can cope at all. I feel like i'm going insane with everything

[kizik]

CALM.

 

DOWN.

 

Nikki, just breathe. I know it feels like the end of the world. I know you want to die. But if you can just hang on and get through, if you can find something to be happy about - your friends or family, for example - then you will get through this.

 

You will get through this. I know you don't think you can. But YOU CAN. You're only twenty, my dear. That does NOT mean your problems are any less valid; what it means is that there is so much life to live.

 

Hang on, Nikki. Find a counselor STAT and get on medication. It does sound like you need it.

 

Whenever you think you're worthless think about this - if there are total strangers on the Internet who care about you, then there are just as many, if not more people in RL who actually KNOW you and will be f*cking devastated if anything happens to you.

 

If nothing else, stay alive for THEM.

 

You worry me, you worry all of us. You're such a sweet girl and we hate to see you go through this. So put a STOP to it and get professional help, TODAY.