Pooks Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 My ex and I were together for 3 years; we lived together for 2 of them. I’ve had an extremely traumatic childhood and believe I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’ve done some research on this and it fits my symptoms, but can’t I afford therapy. He has issues as well, I don’t want to say that he is obsessive compulsive but it definitely has obsessive tendencies. We had some really great times together, shared a lot of laughs and tender moments, but we would also hurt each other a lot both verbally and emotionally. At the time I couldn’t really see that it was also me sabotaging our relationship and blamed him for most of it. I knew I made mistakes but I didn’t really understand how much my words and actions effected everything. I became distant, un-affectionate and mistrustful of him. We would still have many wonderful and happy moments between us but we would always wind up in some giant drama over and over again. He didn’t make much of an effort to incorporate my life into his, he wanted me to be a part of his life but didn’t really want add any of my friends or family into his life, which would upset me constantly. I wasn’t in a very good place emotionally and would often feel down on my self and insecure, I know this was really hard on him because no matter what he said I never believed him that I looked attractive and was worthy of being loved. I thought about leaving for a long time and about 9 months ago I did. It was not easy but for a while it did feel good to be out on my own and doing my own thing. After a few months went by however, I began to miss him like crazy. I started remembering all the good times we had and how much fun we used to have together. Even though we didn’t always get along, the things we used to fight over all of a sudden didn’t seem to matter anymore. So I called him and told him that I missed him, we met up and began to see each other regularly. I fell head over heels back in love with him and was determined to not make the same mistakes, so I was extra affectionate and was honest with about everything. I know now that this was a mistake, I should have taken it slow and easy. He told me he couldn’t jump right back into it, and that he needed time to bring back the feelings he had for me. This was devastating to me, I cried for weeks on end. It hurt so much that I could still feel so much for him but he had shut all his feelings down. I stayed away from him for a while but then he started contacting me again, I was just starting feel okay again and I couldn’t go back to feeling that way so I kept my distance. He now says that at that point he was trying to tell me he didn’t want to wait anymore and he wanted me back, but he never clearly said that to me, so I didn’t know. This past week I started to miss him like crazy again, so I contacted him to see if we could talk and try to get some closure. When I saw him again all my feelings came back, I fell so ridiculously in love with him again and I could see it in him too. We had a really nice evening together just holding each other. I’m going away for the next month to do some traveling so we decided that we would talk when I get back about giving it another shot. Last night we went to see a movie, we had a drink after and talked about what went wrong before. I could tell that he was either holding back his feelings or wasn’t feeling much for me, which really hurt. We talked about a lot of things and he did admit that sometimes he feels like it’s too late for us and we have no more chances but he also most of the time he feels like all he wants is our life and family (we both have pets) back. I feel so destroyed over this, my feelings are so strong and I can’t help but think that if he really did feel the same way I do that he would want me back now and not want to wait. I understand that the smart thing to do is to wait until I get back so we can both get some space and perspective, but all I can think about is him and the life that we had together, I know I probably have my rose coloured glasses on, but I can’t help what is in my heart. I really think if we do give it another chance it would be so much better than before, we have both grown up a lot over the passed year, I have learned to love my self a lot more, and know that I am worthy of a loving, honest and respectful relationship. He says that he knows the fact he didn’t want to incorporate my life into his was wrong, and he has learned to be more respectful of other people. I feel so lost and alone right now, I’ve had one tragedy after another happen in my life and I could really use some emotional support, I know it’s not fair for me to turn to him but I can’t help but feel if he really does love me he would want to be there for me more than he has been. Is that asking too much? I really don’t know if I should just try to let him go so that we stop putting ourselves through all this pain.
amaysngrace Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 It sounds like he's not feeling pain or much of anything anymore. I would let it go. You probably turned him off to the point of not caring. So you can want him to support you but to him you didn't do enough good to take away the bad. Pull back now. It may make him come around and if not it will at least get you to move on. And it'll be your choice so that makes it better for you. Good luck.
Author Pooks Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 You're probably right about that, but I do have a hard time believing he doesn't feel anything. I know he does feel something because last time I saw him and we talked, he cried. He said he is just scared that I would leave him again if he let me back in, and wants to take things really slow, to make sure its right. I don't know how to do this with out feeling undervalued and needy if he's not showing me enough affection. I'm not the kind of person that puts up with a NC relationship for long. I've really been trying to relax and just let things happen but its so hard when I feel so strongly that I want him back.
amaysngrace Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 The feelings of wanting to be back together should be mutual but it sounds like it is you who wants that more than he does. What does he have to think about? Why is he so afraid to let you in? Either he wants this or he doesn't but it sounds like you are putting it all on him by giving him the chance to decide your life for you. That's a big mistake. Your life should be your own decision. Not somebody else's. PTSD from childhood truama can be a rough ride. Yes it's unfair of you to put this on him. Once again you are giving him power to decide how you feel. Do for yourself first. Stand on your own and don't expect anybody to support you. Take a step as a strong person who needs to rely on herself firstly. You will get support from those who have it to give. Most do not. He may be one of the ones who doesn't but you need to be in a position of strength to recognize the difference. And currently you sound weakened to me. So your decisions may not be the best decisions. You have endured a lot from what you've hinted about and that makes you strong. Sometimes it may not feel that way but the truth is you are a strong person. It's easy to forget that when you only think about what has been done to you. But don't deny yourself credit for still being here and being able to say you've lived through it. That takes strength. Please don't lose sight of that truth.
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