How do i forget her,When she ment so much to me?(VERY LONG)

[Sleepless-In-Toronto]

I'm very sorry for the long post, this is actually the much much shorter version, you dont need to read it or reply to this, but i have been going crazy these days repeating this story in my head over and over again, and i just really need to vent this out somewhere, this is the first place i thought of, i have no one to talk to anymore and no idea what to do. If your bored, read on, if you have any advice/experience in a similar situation, please post. Again, sorry for the Long rant, but i had to write this out somewhere.

 

i had a long distance relationship with this girl in Europe, we were together for 3 years which doesn't seem like much for most couples, but we had so much history in those 3 years. i would visit her twice a year (3-4 months summer, 3 months winter). Long distance was hard but we would call each other everyday on the phone, and she wouldnt let a day go by without hearing my voice, even when we would fight, she would still call to see if im ok. Are families were always close, and they all accepted me as the boyfriend and loved me. This winter i couldnt make it there due to financial problems, after Christmas, i could tell we were drifting apart. i knew right away because we were always so close, closer than most couples around us, but she started to show little by little that she didnt care anymore. Long story short, she was a horrible girlfriend at times, even the simplest thing would be hard for her to do and i could write pages and pages on how awful she was lately. Even her own family and friends would says that she was always in the wrong and how can she do some of those things, and that she didnt deserve me, even most of her friends were jealous i was with her and always asked what i saw in her. I was always there for her and she knew how much i loved her and would do anything for her. But her problem was, she likes flings, everytime a guy would smile at her she would love it, She was pretty plain looking/church going look. and always loved attention when she got it. she cheated on me once and i forgave her only because i found out much later on in the relationship. She would always lie, vent out at me when mad about anything, but i still stayed. Why? because i always wrote that off as "nobody's perfect" also the longer we were together, the better she would get, after two years she was nothing like the way she was when she cheated on me. this last year she was perfect, we were closer than any other couple we knew, she didnt even want to go out anymore, always stayed home and talked to me about anything and started planning what it would be like when i returned, what we would do and where we would go. she was everything to me, literlly, and was always the only person i could talk to, but these past two months she did a complete 180, she started working at a bar and i knew right away what would happen. being the only voice i would hear in the day, i knew her inside and out, recognizing when she would hide something or when she would try to lie. She didnt have many friends, mostly because they were all pissed off at her, and that was great for me, because in a way i was her best friend too, somone who she can tell anything too. I always new how to help her in any situation and make her feel better, but now i can't even help myself.

 

its been 3 weeks since we last talked, that has never happend and never thought it could happen with us, she would never go this long without wondering if im at least ok. i know she doesnt care now, and probably with someone now, but i know as soon as she figures out what she lost, she always comes crying back. She did this before, three times, got bored with the relationship because i was away for 4 months, went for a fling (didnt Cheat, just wanted the attention with a new guy), then she found out that the only person who really loved her was me, everyone else treated her like **** and just wanted to use her. Today i found out that she is telling people we broke up because of our last big fight, we both knew the relationship was gonna come to an end, but never told me officially, she was actually sending text messages saying she misses me.

 

We were so close these 3 years, we would talk about everything, i have never been that comfortable with any other girl before like this, i was always shy and could only open up to her and sometimes close friends. All i can think about was that she was the most important person to me in my life for 3 years and now shes gone. She was a horrible girlfriend most of the time, but she still was great the rest of the time, everything felt right being around her. Thats why its so hard to let go, just the thought of her with someone else now make me literally sick to my stomach, i lost 20 pound in 3 weeks because i can't eat, and im not trying to be emo here, i physically cant keep anything down. i'm going crazy now, im in the city all alone, all my friends have long moved away/lost touch and im going crazy with no one to talk to and i really can't talk to anyone i dont know, its all starting to bottle up inside me, thats why im here. all my true friends are in europe in the same village where she is. i know she is talking bad about me to everyone now, just so she doesnt come out the bad person, she does that with everyone she has a fight with.

 

I would feel horrible if she called me again in a month wanting to get back together again, i know she will, but i couldn't be with her now after she ditched me like this again, i would never be able to look at her the same way again, she left me alone when i needed her the most. So why am i so hung up on her when she was this horrible to me?, Why i cant move on, i cant forget about her and im sort of still in denial and keep thinking i will find someone better soon. But im afraid i wont be able to find someone else who i can be that close with again and even if i do, i'll mess it up because im still hung up on her. What girl would be with a guy that still thinks about the ex, seeing my reaction when that certain song comes on the radio or seeing that movie we once watch together would drive even the most understanding girl away. Also since we never broke up face to face, i could never really go back to that village, my home town, the place where i travel when i feel down. Even if 5 years pass and i get over her, if i ever do go back and see her, i already know the feeling i would have seeing her again.

 

Out of all the girls i was with, i was never comfortable around any of them like i was with her, simple things like sitting next to them on the couch never felt right, or getting along with her friends. Thats why this relationship was easier for me, all of her friends are already my friends, i knew her family since i was a kid and am good friends with her brother. I was alone all my life and really didnt let anyone get close to me and after being hurt like this, i wouldnt be able to trust anyone else anymore,especially when you have been cheated on. Im not the type of guy that can break up with a girl and just move on to another, i first started dating when i was 22 (im 26 now), and i know what your all thinking that im probably ugly or a troll, but im not from what i've heard, im just really really shy and uncomfortable around new people. i hate dating and was always horrible at it, i was always best in a relationship than a quick fling, but its hard to find a girl to put up with a shy guy until i open up. every girl i was with (except one) wanted to get together again with me after breaking up, but never did. i never cared about any of them enough to return and forgive them, But now its different, i hate what she did to me, and can't forgive her, but still i cant stand to see her with anyone else, she was everything to me because i really didnt have much else in my life, so all my attention was on her and to make her happy, and i always went out of my way to make her happy.

 

These past weeks i have been miserable, it seems like everything in my life this past year has been going bad, but i never really cared because i still had her to talk to and cheer me up. I miss her voice and its the only thing that kept me stable, even if we would fight for hours, i still miss her voice. I can't sleep and when i do i'm woken up by nightmares of her with someone else or me alone and she's moved on and happy. to others that wouldnt be such a big deal after what she did to me, but she was everything to me. and now i feel like i have nothing. i had a reason to wake up in the morning, i had a goal, i tried everything i could to go and see her just so she can see me again and not forget me or let the relationship fade to nothing. i tried to move on, forget about her, but dating is not for me, i cant do it anymore. its kinda like i was building a house of cards for 3 years, and then it came crashing down, and dont have the strength to start over again. People have told me to find someone to talk to now, but it doesn't help. i still find my self looking at my cell phone wondering if she would call to say she made a mistake. i've tried putting away photos and gifts from her, but other things still remind me of her. i always made it obvious that i am miserable without her and couldnt function properly without her, after that she knew that i would pretty much forgive her for anything, but now its different, i cant forgive her and can't let her go. What if years pass and she is miserable and im still miserable without her and find out that we miss each other. A part of me would want to be with her forever because of the connection, but all i would see when i look at her is all the guys she is probably with now when she left me alone for some quick excitement.

 

I don't know what to do, people tell me to talk to someone, but i cant afford to see a shink, and everyone around me is a stranger that i cant open up to, and even if i did, i know what everyone will say already, to forget her, move on, you deserve better, etc. but being alone all my teenage years, never having a girlfriend until my 20's, i feel like i've missed out on a lot, if i had many girlfriends early on, this girl could probably be easy to forget, but its the fact that i never had this before and i did my best to hold on to this relationship. i always had a problem/fear of growing older, but when i was with her, i found out that it wasnt a fear of growing older, rather a fear of growing older, alone. i had forgotten about everything i missed out and didnt care about the past because i thought my search was over, i would never have to feel alone again, and she was the girl i wanted to marry and she always saw a future with me too, until now. I bet your all thinking that i was very klingy with her, but it was actually both of us, she didnt want to go anywhere without me, never wanted to be left alone, and she never wanted to spend a night away without me by her side. i know me leaving was hard on her, she was balling tears when i left, but i did everything possible for her not to forget me and let her know that i love her and never forget her, like sending her surprise flowers (which is not a easy thing to do in a village in europe) and other gentures. It was the greatest feeling in the world for me being loved, knowing someone was thinking about me and was worried if im ok.

 

I knew her for many years, since i was a kid, and even before we were together i always wanted to be with her, and when it happened, it was literally a dream come true, and i couldnt believe it at first, even years later i always felt happy and loved life knowing she was my girlfriend. Even though she was plain and sometimes annoying, she was beautiful to me and always stayed that way in my eyes. Now thats all gone and i've never felt so alone, how do you forget someone who was the most important person in your life, how do you replace them, then try to forget them. i'm now going crazy seeing my life again alone, thinking time is passing me by and i'm getting older, and now i have to search for another girlfriend already knowing it won;t be the same. i didnt just loose a girlfriend, everything was attached to her, my friends, family, hometown, etc. Yes, people can move on, and live better lives with someone new and better, but there is a percentage of people who never get over it, who for some reason can't move on. for example, my brother, he had an amazing girlfriend in his late 20's, he messed everything up because he was an ass, they broke up, she moved on and he moved on, but he regretted it later on when he couldnt find someone who made him feel the way he felt with her. he was crushed when she moved on and married, he is now 39, alone, and has done nothing with his life. i never wanted that to happen to me, but now i am starting to think i am on that road of never being able to move on with my life, even if i try. One more thing i didnt want to mention, is my parents, they are not is the best of health, my father has had operations/stroke and has a drinking problem, my mother is a great person, but suffers from stress/high blood pressure because of my father and other problems in our lives that were not our fault(whole other story). Also having a two sons that havn't had much luck in life has not been easy for them, and when i told them about my true girlfriend, they could not have been happier and they loved her, also my fathers wish was to see me get married before he dies. but on christmas day my mother broke down crying seeing me stuck here in Canada for when i should have been with my girlfriend, especially for when the reason i couldnt be there was not my fault. i have no idea how i can tell them this now, this will be a big blow for them at a already difficult time, especially for my mother. When my mother broke her hip 2 years ago, i was going to cancel my trip to see my girlfriend to help my mother, she would not let me, she said it was more important for me to go see her and she can manage by herself. I know i could tell them what a lousy girlfriend she was, but that won't help much. I already know that i have to move on, but i have no idea how to even start given my situation, when does it stop hurting? Will i ever truly forget her? or am i now on the same road my brother took?

 

Sorry again for the long post, in my head it was a few paragraphs, then it turned into this, you dont really need to reply, somehow knowing this is out there on some forums for someone/anyone to read, helps to a point. and I welcome any input, but please understand, just saying "move on" "get over her" is much easier said than done, especially in my situation.

[jcs8528]

Our situations sound eerily similar. I want to tell you that my ex was very much the same in terms of behavior as you describe yours. Run and don't look back. The fact that I accepted my ex's lies and excuses for over a year is beyond me and you seem to be doing the same thing.

 

Nobody who loves or respects you would ever lie to you, ever. I am not lying to you now when I tell you I made this mistake. I was a strong confident man when I met her and left a whiny little child. My girlfirend got a job as a Bacardi Promoter. She started breaking plans, not calling, etc and when I would confront her about it a big fight would ensue and she would make me feel guilty for starting the fight. See the pattern here?

 

I did the same things you are doing in the beginning and she strung me along for a year. I as well had my life wrapped around hers as I had moved to a new city and my whole circle of friends revolved around her. When we broke up, I was completely alone. You can do and deserve better treatment than this and you will find someone you are comfortable with again.

 

The main thing you need to concentrate on is you and your family. Be there for your parents and I can promise you they want you to be happy no matter if you are married or single. Show them actions and they will be proud. Be the best you can be and do everything in life you always said you were gonna do but put on hold for her. The only destiny you have is one that you chose. If you choose to be a bum than you will be, if you choose not to be a bum you won't.

 

I can assure you that even if you did get back together right now it wouldn't last and you would be miserable. Focus on you.

 

I'm gonna tell you something that won't make sense until you see it, But look in the mirror, I mean really look.. Do you like the way she treats you or makes you feel? Can you look at yourself and say "This woman makes me a better man"? If not, than walk away and don't look back. Believe me I know you will have setbacks and want to call, text, etc. But don't.

 

Forget about what she is doing and "saying" about you. If they are your true friends they know the score, keep you thoughts about this to yourself. You will gain nothing by verbally jousting about the relationship with her/your friends.

 

I know it hurts. I know you want to scream and call her every name in the book some seconds and hold her the next. Don't do either, I did and got burnt. The girl got a big screen TV out of me for her mom for x-mas, as she was "moving in with a friend". Wow, eh? My point here is that you seem lost in her and have forgotten to be your own person, my ex lied, cheated and would always keep me at arms length.

 

I finally realized it was because I was letting her do it. I had to take control of my life. Most people will manipulate you and do these things only if you let them. Blinded by love we allowed them to lie to us. Unacceptable, but we did it didn't we? Listen to me when I tell you to run, not walk, run to the nearest exit and do not look back. She won't change, and even if she does, Don't speak to her again until her "actions" not words dictate it.

 

She does not care about you and will tell you everything you want to hear to string you along until she finds someone she will be with long term. But only if YOU allow it to happen.

 

Good Luck to you!

[Sonic_chaos]

You my friend so very much like me. I was a late developer into relationships *later then you 23 if i remember rightly* and my first gf broke my heart. After realising she dumped me for another bloke, yea it hurt *but we never had a sexual relationship so it wasnt as deep as my last ex* but i got over that. I had friends around me.

For me long distance relationships can work, but the 2 people have to be very strong people. I know m ex couldnt go 2/3 days without seeing me. And 2/3 mins without wanting me back at her side. So in some respects hats off to you for doing that for so long. But in essence i think the distance killed it for you.. She wanted you to have and hold at night,snuggle up in bed with you, not on the phone. She when out and worked at night and probably saw how much fun other people was having and compared it to her situation. Thats what they normally do.

I know its going to take time for you too heal, But if you are serious about letting her go, then you need to burn all her pics etc to a dvd etc put them all in a folder and hide it. WELL OUT OF VIEW.. i know you have already mentioned that you have moved all the possessions out the way. Good idea.. It does ease it slightly.. Delete or move all the txt messages on view.. Again will ease..

If there is anything you want to get off your chest, then i would write a hand written note to her and then go strict NC. I know you will not be able to contain your emotions so let them out. Dont bottle it up.. If you have to talk to yourself *if your on your own* i do it alot which gets it off my chest, out my head and just in the open to listen. Sounds odd but helps me sometimes.. Id suggest going out with work colleagues or go to some classes that are relitivly cheap. You could start online dating, thats how i met my last ex and i would do it again at the drop of a hat. People like us *shy and abit timid about making new friends* is a great way of meeting people.

 

I have also lost weight worrying about stuff *im abit worse off then you, i have no job either* but the knot in my stomach is subsiding and it comes and goes depending when she is in my thoughts. Exercise helps no end, as your concentrating on the exercise and goes wonders for your health too. Will make you want to eat etc. Im not talkin about joining a gym of your on a tight budget. Im on about taking up running or just lifting some weights at home or in the back yard etc.. That will also make you sleep!!!! I had the restless nights also and im still not too good with them, i keep dreaming about her. nothing i can do. Just focus on other things you are going not on what she is doing.

 

I'll tell you now, you will probably never forget her if she really ment that much to you. I know i'll never forget my ex if she doesnt come back, She gave me 2 1/2 years of shear bliss and magic. And in some respect so glad i had a chance to meet her and know her. Id never change that. I just miss her so much at times. It helps i have my family around me, sometimes i dont want them around me as there thoughts interfer with my thought what I want to do.

 

I do suggest you keep posting on here and reading the material other people are posting up to. I find it helps me reading someone elses problems. *takes my mind off my own* and then you can truely decide weather No contact is the way for you. Or your willing to reconcile with her. I know you love her alot, but if my ex had of cheated on me. I dont know if i could have trusted her again.All my relationships have been based on strong trust. As it happens now, even though im not with my ex i still trust that she isnt and hasnt sleeping/slept with no one else. And she will know the same with me. my mind has thought more and wandered, but oly because of the behaviour of what she is was doing at times..it was slightly irational for her. I blamed it on the stress she was under. but i still truely believe that she is still "hung up" that getting into another relationship is just the wrong thing to do and she wont till that chapter is over. And i also feel the same way at the moment. Its just out the question. The only reason why i would want to is make her jealous to return to me.. They always want what they cant have., but there is no guarantee and its also a manipulative way to do it...

 

Good luck with your healing process.. like i said keep posting.. there is other people willing to help you along the way I also urge to you talk with your parents if not your brother, they will understand the pain your going thro and im sure it will ease the being alone as well

[Sleepless-In-Toronto]

Thanks for the quick reply, one thing you didnt mention is, did you find someone better after her? do you ever miss her?

 

believe me i have looked in the mirror at myself, and i have to say, i hate the way she treats me and how i put up with it, but, since i have been with her, i have completely changed from the way i use to be, it took a lot of work, but i saw something in her when we first started going out and i forced myself to change, it took a really long time, but i knew if i didnt i would loose her in the first month. before i met her, i didnt care about anything, didnt even care if i was alive or dead, friends always thought i was suicidal, because nothing was going for me, being alone most of my life, left me a crippling shyness and uncomfortable in new groups, but when i met her, everything was different, i was open and feared nothing with her and only her, i was truly happy, even during fights if you can believe that. i thought i had killed that shyness forever only because i thought i would be with her and wouldnt have to change for anyone else again.

 

i know people will now say that i can do that again with another girl, but i doubt it. it was only the fact that i was so comfortable around her, and her family and that her friends were already my friends, that i was able to change, and within 3 months people were saying i can't believe how open you are now, that she really broke me out of my shell. Now, im even worse than before, and can't see myself ever being comfortable with anyone else like that again, even if she did treat me better, there is just so much more missing.

And it has nothing to do with sex, or good memories with her, its just that i was very close to her and everything felt right around her, and dont ever think i will have that again. And you are right, she did only want to lay beside me with me hugging her all night, she felt so safe with me, and i knew the longer i was away, the more she would forget me, and i did everything possible to return, even for a day just to see her. But someone else probably got her attention and probably wanted to see what else is out there, if nothing probably come back to me, the person she felt safe with. i just know no matter how much she hurt me, if i ever heard her voice again crying and missing me, i would break down too, only because i never could handle seeing her sad. that doesnt mean i wanna get back together with her, i just don't know how to forget her. i can do everything you said, not call her, run far from her, do everything i ever wanted to do, but there will always be that fact that im doing it now all alone. believe me i have already tried, but not talking to anyone during the day, my brain is in overdrive thinking about her and how alone i am or will be. Some days are great, i'm laughing thinking everything will be fine, i'll meet someone 10x better, then reality sets in and breakdown, other times i bottle it up. Even during the night i'm plagued with restless nights and nightmares of my future without her. Last night was the worst nightmare yet, i can't sleep anymore and have trouble functioning during the day.

i know i might be able to get another girlfriend oneday, i have had a few before her, but i was never that happy with them, i never felt comfortable around them or saw a future with any of them, and just saw it as wasting time with someone who i dont see spending my life with, even when they wanted me back, i didnt go and it was easy to forget them. and it wasn't just the girl, it was meeting her family, friends, going out, never felt right. but with this girl, everything fit like a puzzle, because we already new eachother, it took most of the fear out of it. i knew this was going to happen, so much time has past since we saw each other, but i would have waited years for her knowing she is waiting for me.

 

i have already tried to get out, meet new people already, but something is still holding me back and its not working, i'm not myself anymore, im worse now than before i met her, i know its still early, but its not getting better, just worse every day. i've already done what you mentioned, i try to keep my self busy, i go for walks, just drive around the city, but no matter what i do, i'm still doing it alone. i can't even listen to music anymore because music was a big part of our history so i just break down even more hearing a old song, i have a tuff exterior and you wouldn't tell by looking at me that im like this, but i take things very hard when i get hurt. i kept everything bottled up until i received a message the other day from one of my old friends (her friend too) saying that they heard and not to do anything stupid. that was the day i broke down and realized she is having no trouble moving on (for now) and i'm having a breakdown. Even reading and writing these posts i get teary eyed, it just hurts so much knowing the girl you were with, that you held every night in your arms might be with another guys arms now, and that she probably still has some feelings for me thinking i will always return and can always call upon me. I cannot speak to my parents about this, i havn;t ever really been very open with them before, this was the only girl i ever told them about, i know if they see me the way i am now, it will just be harder for them, and i can't put that on them now. i have no idea what the future holds for me, but i know what it was like to be alone for many years, and thought those days were behind me, now i'm worse off then before. even if a beautiful girl approached me tomorrow wanting to hang out and talk, it just wouldn't feel right, my home and friends are now where she is in europe, and don;t have the strength to go there anymore, she what i mean when i say i lost more than a girlfriend.

Thanks again for the replies.

 

P.s. Whats NC mean?