pikachu67 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Thanks to those who responded to my earlier thread. I appreciate it. I have another question. Yes, my MM does not appear to have any intention to leave the wife despite his earlier promises. He loves us both but she will always be the priority because they have been together for the past 20 years. But on the other hand, he does not want to give me up despite his W knowing about us. On my part, I dont think I will ever start another relationship if I were to lose this man. Enough is enough. I am prepared to be single for the rest of my life and to bring up my young son as best as I can. I know it is entirely up to me to end it this relationship. My happiest moments were with him and I love him so deeply. I sincerely believe he loves me too but he is unable to leave the family which I fully understand. He cares for me alot in that he helps me with everything that i ask of him, sometimes without my asking. My ex-H was never even a quarter like him. We really have so much chemistry together. The problem with me is that I am so full of guilt, misery and jealousy whenever he's with the W and not with me. Lately, I can't seem to shake of these nasty feelings which are occuring more and more frequently. Some of my close friends have asked that I try to put these feelings aside and think of the positive things in this relationship instead of only concentrating on the bad. Think about the good that he has done for me, the support he has given me so far, the love he still has for me, that it is still worthwhile to have him by my side although he will never be mine. They have asked me to just think about myself and how short life is sometimes. So long as he is not neglecting the wife and family, so long that he still loves and cares for them and me, I should stay on and not ask for anything more from him but be thankful that at least, I have someone to love and who loves me. I know this is selfish thinking but has anyone been in my position to be able to compromise this way successfully? How do i force myself to stop thinking about the 2 of them whenever they are together and not let this ruin the relationship? I am hurting so much. I know if I let this go, it will be the biggest regret in my life.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 why not suggest a polyandrous relationship to him? he may have both of you, but both of you can have others as well... this may eliminate the jealousy and will put you all on equal footing. How can he refuse and say it is immoral? he is committing adultery with you under his wife's nose and making a mockery of his marriage vows. She is permitting this behaviour to continue and there is no sign of divorce... You are unhappy away from him, and if you were with him, and able to spread your wings as well (as can his wife) then the jealousy and resentment may not be so bad. I am actually completely serious. But I doubt you will suggest this. people seem to prefer subterfuge, deceit and pain, in contrast to equitable logic. people would prefer to remain in the hell they know, rather than venture out and seek happiness and satisfaction at large. So, I think you will have to learn to tolerate it, for as long as it takes. _/l\_
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 If you, he and his W arent interested in a poly relationship, then you need to let it go. Why keep torturing yourself?
Author pikachu67 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 why not suggest a polyandrous relationship to him? _/l\_ Something I never thought about. I would like to think that since I am divorced, why not? But i truly love him. even if i had the courage to say this to him, it will only be to spite him. i will not betray his trust and love this way. it's either i leave him completely or go on being 2nd fiddle.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 well, he is quite ready to do this to both you and his wife. he seems to have no such qualms.... But obviously, this is all right for you.... now you know what to do then. grin and bear it.... I am amazed at how people will actually manufacture pain and suffering for themselves, deliberately. _/l\_
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Why go on being second fiddle when it is clearly tearing you apart? You need to find faith in your future whether it is alone or with another man. The pain of being out of the A as great as it can be is far less than being in 2nd place. I still struggle with my feelings for xMM but in a million years would never go back to being 2nd ever for anyone again. The humiliation of being 2nd is far far worse than the pain of missing what was.
wildsoul Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 It really seems to me that you're NOT thinking clearly right now. You're reminding me of an expression called, "junkie logic." It's when the addictive part of you starts trying to justify, trick, and con yourself into doing more of your "drug." Case in point: You made up a CRAZY idea that perhaps you should never have another relationship. C'mon! That's just silly. Why would you deny yourself love. Perhaps you need to take a dating time out, but saying you'll never date again? Crazy talk, girl. Then, when you imagine this sad loveless life, you start feeling like maybe a little love (which is ALL you can get from the affair) is better than NO love. Do you see how you're setting up this false dillemma? I'm not judging you here! It's just that I understand first hand how obsessive thinking can take hold. I see that in you. Obsessing about his wife. Obsessing about how you might never have love. Obsessing about how maybe you should settle. STOP. You need to realize that all this stuff is getting kicked up because you've decided to end the affair. The obsessive thoughts are a symptom. Don't start believing them! Don't let the junkie part of your brain fool you. You deserve love. You will have a great relationship someday. In order to have a great life AND a great relationship, you need to heal from the affair first. You might also try meditation or hard sweaty exercise to get your mind clear again.
sugarmomma Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 You talked about how he loves and does more for you than any other man. That is how they keep us hooked. Don't bite the bait!! You can not allow yourself to become financially dependent on him because it will be way harder to get out. My SM tried to get me to become dependent on him but I would not allow it. When you need him to buy things that makes it harder to end. But understand this, it doesn't mean that he loves you because he does things for you. If he loved you he would not allow you to be in such pain because of his selfishness. He is a selfish person and only cares about getting his needs met. While some of your needs (things he buys) are being met, you also have a need for someone to love you and only you and he is not meeting this need. He is not going to end this and you seem to be in denial about the reality or you are trying to convince yourself that you should settle for his crumbs of affection. WS said that you deserve a good relationship between 2 people. The problem with this statement is that YOU have to believe down in the core of your soul that you deserve more. I know its hard and we have been where you are and some of us still are. Ny only suggestion would be to cut off all communication with him immediately and go into counseling to address why you got into this situation in the first place. I wish youthe best and we are here for you. Don't shame yourself and understand that you made a mistake and now you can make it right. Remember you are doing this for YOU and not anyone else. You are the most important person in this situation.
jwi71 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Pikachu, How do you want this to end? Do you want him to D his W and marry him? Do you want to walk away and find a more socially acceptable R? Do you want to continue being the OW? Its hard to help you if I don't know what you want. Actually...do YOU know what YOU want?
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Why would you stay single if you and this MM broke up? You deserve to have love and happiness. Don't let this ruin you! He loves us both but she will always be the priority because they have been together for the past 20 years. But on the other hand, he does not want to give me up despite his W knowing about us. Basically, he wants to stay married and keep you as the OW. If you are Ok with that, then you'll have him for as long as you want - BUT, just as the OW, parttime and on his time frame. He isn't going to throw away 20 years of marriage..
fooled once Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 LET IT GO. He is married and he obviously loves his wife more than you or else he would divorce her.
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