Zippo Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 First of all i would like to say that i'm Dutch, so excuse me for the bad english. 2 months ago my relationship of 3 years ended because i cheated on her (although i was under influence it's still the worst thing to do in a relationship). She wanted to talk things out for 3 weeks after the incident but i was completely shocked atm and didn't know at all what to do... in this rush i broke op with her and smashed her feelings to the wall I also broke up with her earlier in our relationship for a 4 month period because i wasn't sure if i wanted to have this commitmend for the rest of my life already (i'm 23). Although the majority who reads this will instinctively think that i;m an ******* i could not agree more with them.... Besides these two major negative scars in our relationship things we're in fact perfect!, we had the best relationship ever and planned on getting our own place. Of course we had our small arguments but everything was in balance and every time we went on holidays together we missed eachother the day after like we didn't see eachother for months... I also still don't know why the hell i ever let myself go with the girl that grabbed me at the bar... 5 weeks after the incident i began missing her terribly... i realised again that she was everything i ever wanted and that she was the soulmate i wanted to spent my life with, TO LATE! she constructed an emotional wall around herself and didn't want to give me a chance of seeing her (she lives 3 hours away, never been a problem), she said she was also lucky without me and that she couldn't give me another shot... (of course this is my own big fault!). April 22th i had my last phone conversation with her and through several phone conversations earlier on i did the wrong thing... ""getting emotional"" saying things like i wanted to get kids with her and marry her and live with her forever,,, (not the thing to do as said by multiple e-books). In this last conversation she told me she had a new boyfriend and she felt rest with him...(This guy was after her for a year on messenger and saw her when going out sometimes, sorry for hating that mentallity of waiting when things go wrong in anothers relationship) i broke down that moment... i ended the conversation saying that i will ALWAYS wait for her with open arms and that i wish her all the happiness with her new boyfriend... (i was somehow amazed that i didn't go all the way childisch and being jaleous)... Now i'm on NC with ther for the past 1,5 week and trying to keep it that way for a month to give her time and space with her new relationship... that's what she deserves and i only want her to be really happy! Although i'm crying everyday and talked to probably 40 persons about my situation i still feel miserable...She also said that she still loves me and i know that our relationship was perfect but i just screwed it up big time...I know this is more a matter of principles than love and i just pray everyday for the moment that she would lower these principles to give me another shot... something she would never regret!!!!! Through reading a lot of e-books i learned somehow how to cope with these situations theoratically.. Ok i'm having NC now and give her the time to miss me in some extent... i should be dating other woman, what i discust atm... and of course i will never talk negatively about her new boyfriend and will be happy to her aswell, they mainly focus you on making you not accesible so you become more interested for your ex... (i hope it works in some extend). Also her new boyfriend of course is new... for the first months and she may reconsider in a couple of months... (myeah hope...) I know she is the one in my life and she ""knew"" it aswell as she told me... Of course my acts don't make me beloved at the moment but the regret i have is from my heart and i'm just searching for a way to cope with this at the moment. I REALLY LOVE HER!, i would walk naked through the netherlands if that would bring me only the chance of seeing her for 5 minutes... Your Sincerely, zippo
notalone Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I was once in your position. I had cheated on this great guy who loved me....although ours was a long distance relationship and it was only a bloody drunken kiss). After that I decided to be brave and honest and told everything to my boyfriend truthfully. The next one year was the worst of my life. He never forgave me. I never forgave myself. I tried and tried but he had let go of me. I made 4 trips to Toronto to see him and work things out (I live in London). It only got worse and worse. Yes, I also could have swam the seven seas for him to come back to me. But it didn't happen. Eventually, I had to accept what was. Don't blame yourself for everything that went wrong. At my time, I suffered from huge guilt...it doesn't make things easier. Sometimes...things just dont work. The pain you are going through now, do not take it as punishment or karma. Its nothing like that. I say that because I know loads of people who get away with worse things. Yes, cheating is a horrible thing to do. You did what you did. She is doing what she has to. let her be. Respect her wishes. That is the least you can do for her.
Author Zippo Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Thank you so much for the reply notalone... it gives me more insight in my situation and gives me multiple dimension how to cope with it. The first thing i will surely do is give her time to think... she can't do this of course with me calling her every few days and crying out my emotions, i hope this works in some extend. Although the dice aren't in my favour atm i'm not going to give up... I personally think she is really fet up with me for the moment because of my mistakes and the chances she gave me, if i keep contacting her i will only feed this negative perspective and ruin my chances even more of just seeing her at all. Therefore i keep concentrating on NC and hope for a switch in perspective, most e-books are saying that NC gives times for a "nostalgic" view of her former relationship and she will compare her new boyfriend with me in some extend i bet. Of course these things are still based on hope and e-books i rely upon atm. The best thing (although this may sound really awfull) for me is that he doesn't fulfill her expectations. Also the relationship she has now lowers her principles towards me in some extend, a close friend told me that although she has the full right to start a relationship with someone else, in some way she knows she hurts me with it and therefore the principles will get lower and if there is this slight chance of reunion of us it will strengthen our connection. Again, Notalone thanks for replying!! it helps me a lot! Greetz, zippo
Ariadne Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Ok, I read your post and here is my take on your situation. Your relationship with her was not good and that is why it broke up, but you are now like a whiny baby saying, what did I do. Guys are like that most of the time. When girls leave, no matter how bad things were, they miss them because they get used to them. In your case, I'd say you need to mature and stop following those relationship assistant books.
TheBigCow Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Well maybe I think Ariadne is being a little harsh but yeah forget those e-books. NC is to heal YOU. If you are trying to play some sort of mind games with it "making her feel nostalgic" ect, you are doing it for the wrong reasons and even if it does work you will have a broken relationship when you get back together! Give yourself time to really deal with what you did and at least learn your lesson from it, this will not happen over night. If you guys make it in the end it will be because she independently decided to give it another go, not because you asked for it.. so you need to act and think as though you need to move on
notalone Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Zippo, Ariadne is right. stop following the relationship help books. Most of them are crap and cash in on peoples' vulnerabilities. You are clinging on to those e-books right now because you are desperate to get her back. You are looking for any kind of hope, any advice that makes you feel somewhat in control of the situation. Secondly, NC is not supposed to be used as a means for reconciliation. While it is true that sometimes distance does make the heart grow fonder, you should not pin your hopes on that. You can not wait around for someone to come back. Can you imagine what will you go through when you keep on waiting and one day you get to hear she is getting married or something? You will feel a million times worse than you are right now. NC is meant to give you the time and opportunity to heal and move on. I know I sound horribly harsh right now, but I have been where you are. You can let go only when you stop waiting. And let go you must. Its the only way life moves forward. Maybe what you need is closure...once you know for real that its over for good....you are almost halfway through this temporary hell. Yes, this is 'temporary'. I dont know if this will help you, but when I was in extreme pain, I used to keep on repeating the words 'This too shall pass'. It really does pass...however impossible it might seem now. You will fall in love again and you might get hurt again, but this is not, I repeat 'not' the end of your life. You will see it soon...give yourself time. By all means, scream, shout, cry, drink, pity yourself, call your mom even . Do whatever you want to...in time you will let go. Love happens many times. It will happen for you too. P.S: your english is not at all bad for a Dutch
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