misslisbon Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 NEED ADVICE. My sister is getting married in a VERY short amount of time, way too soon to be having doubts like this. Until very recently she has been happy in her relationship with a wonderful guy who treats her like gold. They have been under stress about careers and finances, but are very much looking forward to the wedding and building a life together. The problem is that she and I went away with some of my friends for a long weekend. On the trip she and a good friend of mine spent time together and completely clicked, was obvious to everyone, but we just let it go as a last hurrah type of (just talking, etc.) fling. As she got to know my friend better (series of many long e-mails, etc.) feelings became stronger... recently she met up w/ him at a party (her fiance did not attend) where they ended up kissing and making plans to meet up-even though the wedding is around the corner. This is so confusing to me because I love my sister and want her to be happy, I'm upset with my friend (sort of) for attempting to get involved with someone who is A)engaged and B) my sister, and finally, I don't want to see her lose the wonderful guy she is engaged to. it's gotten so bad that if this were another point in their engagement she would consider postponing, to see where her new feelings would lead. My friend did have the good sense to cancel the plans to meet...she was crushed, even though she had no right to be going anywhere w/ wedding around the corner. This is totally unlike her in that she has been completely faithful to her fiance for over five years. The situation seems impossible, since my friend does not want to be the cause of my sister's breakup obviously, but he thinks she should examine reasons why this would be happening and if her reasons for getting married are valid. I know that he's somewhat right but the last thing I want to see my sister do is humiliate a truly good person who has been nothing but supportive and loving to her. She I loves him so much and he is a very calming influence in her life. I can't ever imagine them not together, but I've never seen her quite the same joy in her face as when she was talking, laughing, or reading letters from my friend. Right now, she is praying that these feelings for the new person will pass, but they aren't... especially since he cut off communications w/her once she confirmed she couldn't call it off at this point (parents have spent great deal of $, effort for wedding, which is the first in our family). My friend says he stopped talking to her out of guilt, mostly, and says he did it for both of their sakes...She however wishes she could continue to know him at least as a friend. But that would be too difficult for him (he explained) b/c of his strong feelings and tendency to get hurt/jealous, esp. after being hurt badly in past. I think she understands, but it's killing her because she didn't too much luck or experience dating. She's been treated for depression for past 2 years and seems to be coming out of it slowly... her big fear is that she will always wonder if this is the opportunity she was meant to have and passed up... please advise. time constraint! Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Sounds like a difficult situation. Here's my take: 1) This problem, severe as it is, belongs to your sister, not to you. You should play a supportive role only. If your sister were posting, I would recommend the following: 2) Get some high-speed counseling (both individual and couples) immediately to see if she can get her mood lifted and her head cleared. Depressed people do not think clearly and can make poor decisions. 3) Put some perspective around the wedding costs. It'd be a drag to take all that Waldorf salad and chicken Kiev down to the homeless shelter, but it's better than an ill-advised marriage. 4) The groom would be deeply hurt and humiliated if she were to postpone the wedding - true. However, a failed marriage scarred by infidelity and lack of love is as painful and lasts a lot longer. All in all, given the history and timing, I tend to think this love interest is more of a depressive/anxious reaction to wedding stress. The "friend", if he is truly caring, will keep himself cut off from the confused and troubled bride-to-be. Then, the bride and groom can get to work on repair. Where is the groom-to-be in all this? You hardly mention him. Link to post Share on other sites
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