tinklebell Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I know there have been many debates about this, that maybe the guy is too shy and needs a nudge or he could not get to a phone among other reasons. But I have an experience that I asked out a guy, who agreed. Time to cork the champagne yet? Not quite. A day before I was to go on the so-called date, I saw him behaving intimately and seemingly having lots of fun with a girl. I decided to call it off (I know some people out there would probably do it differently). I do not know if I would ask guys out again but for now I think probably not. Not because my guts went down the toilet or I have no courage to pursue what I want but I now see the truth that if a guy is really into you, he would ask you out. Any ladies have a similar experience? Do you still ask guys out? Guys, feel free to chip in.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 That's me!!!!! omg, I had to ask my guy out this weekend because, well just because he just doesn't seem to be making the moves. I also got alot of backlash for it, but honestly sometimes you have to make the first move before you can tell whether they're truly into you. I figured, since he asked me out last weekend, it was my turn. But the big question is whether they'll initiate in the future. If they don't, then you know you only wasted 1-2 dates on them rather than months and months of nerve wrecking stress.
Author tinklebell Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 If they don't, then you know you only wasted 1-2 dates on them rather than months and months of nerve wrecking stress. Well put. But now I shudder at the thought of asking someone who already is going out with other people out. Even though nothing happened between us, I felt the hurt. Don't know why.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 My mom raised me firmly with her belief that men are the pursuers and women are the selectors. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had only LISTENED and let it sink in sooner. Ugh. I pursued guys I liked up through HS. What a waste of time. I can count at least 5 in my head. I tried one more time when I was 21/22 and was turned down flat (interesting enough, I really didn't think I was into this certain guy at first...something just *clicked* one day and I wanted to go out with him). And yet, right after that experience, I had several guys at my job flirting with me and I guess a couple got jealous when I went to hang out with one in particular. So it's not like I'm a dog, or something. I have found it's a much better experience, as a woman, to be the selector. I really think it's more natural. Some guys may disagree - they want the woman to be equally assertive...blah, blah. Well, those obviously aren't the kind of men I'm attracted to. So no problems, here.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Well put. But now I shudder at the thought of asking someone who already is going out with other people out. Even though nothing happened between us, I felt the hurt. Don't know why. Well that's a different story then tinkle. I multidate but I don't go around telling others about who's who. I make sure that I know who I'm dating separately so as to avoid any awkwardness. They don't ask I don't tell. The same goes for them. If there's chemistry, then I'll pursue it. But if they stop calling or chasing, then I move to the next guy that comes along.
Author tinklebell Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 If there's chemistry, then I'll pursue it. But if they stop calling or chasing, then I move to the next guy that comes along. I somehow wish I could be like that. Seeing them that happy makes me not want to do anything that may spoil it. I think my usually healthy self esteem also took a beating. But no biggie, I'm waiting for the next guy to pursue me. SoulSearch_CO, mothers are usually right. Guys don't have to do all the work but he MUST ask me out first.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I somehow wish I could be like that. Seeing them that happy makes me not want to do anything that may spoil it. I think my usually healthy self esteem also took a beating. But no biggie, I'm waiting for the next guy to pursue me. SoulSearch_CO, mothers are usually right. Guys don't have to do all the work but he MUST ask me out first. Tinkle if you can date several people at once, then you'll have enough people lined up to take your mind off the ones that stand you up. It'll give you less time to wallow about how they didn't call, they don't ask you out, etc, because you'll be too busy getting ready for the next date. That's pretty much my mentality right now.
Author tinklebell Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Tinkle if you can date several people at once, then you'll have enough people lined up to take your mind off the ones that stand you up. It'll give you less time to wallow about how they didn't call, they don't ask you out, etc, because you'll be too busy getting ready for the next date. That's pretty much my mentality right now. I've tried that but I tend to not find too many guys that I'm really attracted to and want to go out with. When I go out with those I'm less than interested, I get uncomfortable. Probably because I'm picky, some may say, I tend to get attached too fast.
dreamergrl Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I asked my last bf out. It didn't end well. I'm starting to think maybe I should just let guys ask me out. Maybe I just sour though. I think though, it depends on the guy. Some people are out for an ego boost.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 You know I think men's balls have shrunk. Is it so hard to go up to a girl and ask them out? Yes, there will be the rejections, but I think they really need to man up.
colosseum Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I could see how it could be problematic for women, but as a guy myself, it'd be really cool not to always have to be the ones asking for the #s. Actually, it'd almost be a turn-on. Just my 2cents.
Author tinklebell Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 You know I think men's balls have shrunk. Is it so hard to go up to a girl and ask them out? Yes, there will be the rejections, but I think they really need to man up. I don't want to go back to the Stone Age but wouldn't it be great way back in the past when it's clear who asks. Their balls shrank and everyone got confused along the way. But if girls can handle rejections and not overthink, I think it's awesome for them to ask guys out. I just think I probably can't and need to stand believing that if a guy likes you enough, he asks.
AllInOne Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I always shake my head when I see these debates about whether women should ask men out or not. As I guy I would love it if a women would ask me out. I think I would like it for the same reasons women do. However, since I know women, for whatever reason, don't want to do it (probably for the same reasons men don't always like to do it) I have to intiate or nothing will happen.
green apples Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 However, since I know women, for whatever reason, don't want to do it (probably for the same reasons men don't always like to do it) I have to intiate or nothing will happen. But at least you're one of the few guys who seem to be getting their acts together these days. Can you help spread the word?
colosseum Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I always shake my head when I see these debates about whether women should ask men out or not. As I guy I would love it if a women would ask me out. I think I would like it for the same reasons women do. However, since I know women, for whatever reason, don't want to do it (probably for the same reasons men don't always like to do it) I have to intiate or nothing will happen. Yay! My sentiment is echoed. Frankly this may also drive at a deeper issue of the "equality" vs. "chivalry/chauvinism." On the one hand, of course equal rights for all: for some, guys opening doors for girls drives the girls nuts because it's chauvinistic, to which I say "Fine, open the doors for us too then." Fine with me. On the other hand then, why do guys have to always be the ones asking the ladies? Because it's a social norm, because that's just how things are? Of course we can't accept that argument because it used to be the norm that the earth was flat, women couldn't show their ankles, and minorities couldn't vote. This is all to say, like AllInOne did, that ladies, please; it would be so refreshing if y'all would sometimes ask us out.
You'reasian Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I know there have been many debates about this, that maybe the guy is too shy and needs a nudge or he could not get to a phone among other reasons. But I have an experience that I asked out a guy, who agreed. Time to cork the champagne yet? Not quite. A day before I was to go on the so-called date, I saw him behaving intimately and seemingly having lots of fun with a girl. I decided to call it off (I know some people out there would probably do it differently). I do not know if I would ask guys out again but for now I think probably not. Not because my guts went down the toilet or I have no courage to pursue what I want but I now see the truth that if a guy is really into you, he would ask you out. Any ladies have a similar experience? Do you still ask guys out? Guys, feel free to chip in. The guy asks you out. If you respond to him, he pushes forward. If you do not respond to him, he'll make other plans. If you repeatedly do not respond to him, he's probably out doing his own thing. Waiting for him to call is a good way for him to move on and loose his interest. Reciprocate and you still have a connection. Good luck
paddington bear Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 A lot of guys say that they'd love it if a girl asked them out. And I think, yes you can do that and it is flattering when someone shows that they are attracted to you, however, and this is the key point, if as a female you're going to initiate a date, you only do this once, to get the ball rolling and then you allow the guy to pursue you, you don't continue to set the dates and arrange everything. Men say they like to be asked out, however, in my experience beyond that initial point, they somehow feel the woman is taking over their job no matter how flattered they were in the beginning.
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 My mom raised me firmly with her belief that men are the pursuers and women are the selectors. That's really it, summed up perfectly! I have found it's a much better experience, as a woman, to be the selector. I really think it's more natural. Some guys may disagree - they want the woman to be equally assertive...blah, blah. Well, those obviously aren't the kind of men I'm attracted to. So no problems, here. Me too. The kind of man I want is one I won't ever have to chase and wonder if he's into me, because he'll make it known.
WhyYesThankYou Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 In my experience, things have always worked out better for me if the guy has made the first move (asking for me number, asking me out, going for the first kiss...). I've asked guys out, and they've responded positively, but ultimately they've never been as "into it" as the guys who initiated. Guys - you say you'd like a girl to ask you out, and I get that. Of course it's nice to know that someone's interested, and I understand that it "takes the pressure off" and eliminates the fear of rejection. BUT - isn't it also true that if you were really interested in this girl, you'd ask her out? I don't mean all the time. That's the point. Why risk rejection for some girl you think looks kinda alright? But if you REALLY liked a girl, thought she looked cute/nice/interesting, you'd ask her out, right? And if you don't, doesn't it mean you're not interested? Not really interested? (Not even interested enough to risk the ball-crushing trauma of having a girl politely say, "No thanks." ?)
norajane Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 A lof of guys who say or think they want women to ask them out and would be flattered are usually imagining all these Angelina Jolies asking them out. Sure, they'd love it if all the hot girls they drool over were the ones asking them out. The reality, is different. If they were into the girl, they'd ask.
Jaytb Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 You know I think men's balls have shrunk. Is it so hard to go up to a girl and ask them out? Yes, there will be the rejections, but I think they really need to man up. it's not the size that counts... But I think for the most part guys ask girls out when they think she'll say yes. We don't like rejection. That's why I think the best thing for a girl to do is to mildly show interest, not pursue the guy. Some flirting and compliments help your chances the most. But a guy will only ask if he's interested enough.
Author tinklebell Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 That's why I think the best thing for a girl to do is to mildly show interest, not pursue the guy. Some flirting and compliments help your chances the most. But a guy will only ask if he's interested enough. I think this sums it up. It's not so much that girls don't want to ask but it's a biological/genetic makeup. If there's enough interest, very little will stand in the way of a guy asking a girl out.
Menasha Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 It doesn't bother me if I have to initiate it in the beginning, however from my personal experiences I enjoy it more when we bot mutually initiate things. It would be alot less fun for me if I had to initiate everything. For example it was just as friends but I ask a girl out for a small date today, we had alot of fun chit chating and drawing together. Later on she then asks if we can meet up in a few weeks when shes back in town and I found that wonderful! Makes it feel more meaningful to me =) Same kind of thing in the past as well, my friend and I would perodically go out with each other for some fun every week. Everyweek we would rotate who pays for each other. Great stuff -Dylan
Author tinklebell Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 It doesn't bother me if I have to initiate it in the beginning, however from my personal experiences I enjoy it more when we bot mutually initiate things. Sure, that's the point. When a guy I like initiates something, I would chip in too. It's a lot more fun when both people are on the same page.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 If a woman really likes a guy, she doesn't have to actually ask him out. However, if she really wants to be asked out by that guy, she should do things to let him know that she likes him. If the woman doesn't know that guy that she likes but sees him frequently in a particular public place, I think that she should signal her interest by staring at the guy and/or smiling at him. A lot of women won't even do that even if they like the guy.
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