Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Why should you have to own up to past mistakes with someone new? You say you have "learned" from them. show that in your next relationship.and maybe two people wont get hurt. No reason to bring it up.. right, no reason to bring it up....but if a future SO finds out about it...don't expect that person to be ok with the relationship. cheating has a stigma attached to it and even though people can learn a lesson...that still might not bode well with someone thinking that if they can cheat on someone else, they are more than capable of cheating on them. but right, in a new relationship, trying to start over...no reason to bring it up.
Ronni_W Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 If they asked me if I had, I would admit it. I do agree that honesty will be your best policy. You can answer something like, "Once...and it caused me the worst pain and suffering of my life, on top of what it did to my partner. That is something I have vowed to myself I will not do again!" That is, do not go all, "I hate, loathe and disgust myself, and am filled with regret and unforgiveness" -- such a self-image is totally unattractive, unappealing and off-putting. IMO.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I do agree that honesty will be your best policy. You can answer something like, "Once...and it caused me the worst pain and suffering of my life, on top of what it did to my partner. That is something I have vowed to myself I will not do again!" I'd say that is a perfect way to handle it. And then cross your fingers and hope they don't think you could do it to them. But I like the way you worded it above.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 first off...cheating is NOT a mistake. it happens because the participants want it to happen. Call it a piss poor decision, but not a mistake. Well you're totally right it was a terrible decision but I wasn't trying to excuse it in any way by calling it a 'mistake', just using it to refer to a choice I made which I shouldn't have. secondly, sure, cheaters can learn from their lousy choices I suppose....but they need and deserve to lose the person they cheated on Again totally agree. When I told her I tried to make it as easy as possible for her to leave me if she wanted to (I would have moved out at my own cost ect), but I left the final choice up to her... It didn't feel right to tell her what to do. Okay thanks for the advice on how to handle it with a new partner. I'm really worried this is going to stop me having a successful relationship in the future.. am I over reacting or is this just what I deserve? Do I ever have the right to be angry at a partner for cheating on me in the future?
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Well you're totally right it was a terrible decision but I wasn't trying to excuse it in any way by calling it a 'mistake', just using it to refer to a choice I made which I shouldn't have. at least you see that. most people will call it a mistake to downplay the severity of their actions. its like afterall, "I'm human and it was a mistake" while looking at you with puppy dog eyes as if being "human" makes it ok. Again totally agree. When I told her I tried to make it as easy as possible for her to leave me if she wanted to (I would have moved out at my own cost ect), but I left the final choice up to her... It didn't feel right to tell her what to do. Okay thanks for the advice on how to handle it with a new partner. I'm really worried this is going to stop me having a successful relationship in the future.. am I over reacting or is this just what I deserve? Do I ever have the right to be angry at a partner for cheating on me in the future? you deserve to lose her. You don't deserve to never have a good relationship in the future. do you have a right to be angry at a future partner if they cheat, absolutely you do!!! unless you already cheated on them first.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 at least you see that. most people will call it a mistake to downplay the severity of their actions. its like afterall, "I'm human and it was a mistake" while looking at you with puppy dog eyes as if being "human" makes it ok. I know how god awful my actions were and I am making no attempt to downplay/excuse them. All I want to do is to accept and take responsibility for all and any consequences of them .. I don't think this makes up for doing what I did in any way at all, I just think its my moral responsibility. you deserve to lose her. You don't deserve to never have a good relationship in the future. I deserve everything I got from her (I mean during our recent break up) and more. Thank you for your opinions Dexter, I appreciate your honest and unsympathetic opinions on the matter.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Thank you for your opinions Dexter, I appreciate your honest and unsympathetic opinions on the matter. I'm sympathetic......just to the person that was betrayed here. I did say you don't deserve to never have a good relationship in the future....if you REALLY want unsympathetic, I can oblige you.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 if you REALLY want unsympathetic, I can oblige you. Well..... If its your honest opinion that I do never deserve to have a good relationship, then yeah I guess I'd like to know. If thats how it should be, then I will avoid getting into relationships.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Well..... If its your honest opinion that I do never deserve to have a good relationship, then yeah I guess I'd like to know. If thats how it should be, then I will avoid getting into relationships. *sigh*...read again..I said you DON'T deserve to NEVER have a good relationship again...meaning you DO deserve to have a good relationship again. that is of course you never cheat again.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Oh I know , I just thought when you said you could be "REALLY unsympathetic" you meant that you were being a bit nice about it. that is of course you never cheat again. I won't.
Asami Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Maybe she wouldn't have gotten "bored" and would have respected him if he didn't cheat......no? Although, her cheating, then dumping isn't what i'd have done, i'd have just left the cheater. Cheating in response to cheating just lowers yourself to a despicable level. I'd say she didn't respect him AFTER he cheated. But she should have dumped him on the spot. Well said Dexter!
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You've spent 4 years eating yourself alive for what you did. It's bittersweet that you told her, in that you had to lose her but at least now you can finally make some ammends to yourself. You said your self esteem is crushed, etc. At least now your self esteem will have a chance to repair itself, as you know you're not with a girl you love and lie too. If you don't know why you cheated, maybe focus on that so it isn't a repeat offense. Hopefully though, the severe consequences of your actions in this situation have scared you straight, so to speak.
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