Awholelotofregret Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I'm going to try and keep this relatively brief, if more details are needed then let me know. This is about a recent ex-girlfriend of around 6 years. Me and my ex for most of the 6 years together had a really great relationship, really loving. BUT about 2 years in I cheated (not sex, but more than kissing), at the time our relationship was already on the rocks and the next day I broke up with her. After that I was a bit hurtful not backing off from this girl immediately, mostly because I felt worried she was going to tell people that I cheated, however eventually I got the guts to cut her out. About 2 months later we got back together and we were great again.. but I didn't come clean. Then after about 4-5 months of feeling terrible I realized I had to tell her especially if this thing was going to last. So I fessed up. It took us a while but we worked through it, it hurt her but it also really really hurt me and I made sure she knew she could leave or punish me in any way if she wanted to. After 6 months though it was in her past, I think partially because she expected that it had happened and so she'd already dealt with some of the feelings. Since then its only been brought up on really rare occasions. But I have spent the last 3.5 years hurting like hell, hating myself because of it. I have no idea what brought me to do what I did, I'm not going to make any excuses, all I know is that it was the worst mistake of my entire life and I would do anything to be able to undo it. It has CRUSHED my self esteem. I accept full responsibility for bringing these feelings on my self. Just a few months ago she cheated on my and left me for another guy. In a way I feel like I deserve it, but we had worked through my mistake and I had been a great boyfriend. Also she didn't seem too sorry about it, so I'm still pretty angry at her, but this isn't really the issue. The issue is knowing if I can forgive myself. I have definitely learnt my lesson and I want to move on and create a loving relationship and I know I would never do what I did again, it has brought me and my ex so much pain. I just need some advice on how I should be feeling and what I should do to right the wrongs of my past if possible. I know I cannot undo what has been done but I feel like there must be a way of not letting this consume my life. Thanks for any input.
huck Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Think you know the answer to this one. Your feeling sh*t right now - which is how your ex was feeling after you cheated on her.. Does it serve you right - maybe, probably. Move on, accept you f*cked up, and learn from your mistakes. Basically - dont do it again !!!!!
Author Awholelotofregret Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 I appreciate the reply huck. Yeah I'm feeling **** right now about my ex leaving (I really love her ) but I fully accept that in terms of karma or whatever I completely deserve everything coming my way, no matter how much I tried to make up for it before now. But I've been feeling **** about what I did constantly for the last 4 years.. in some ways some of the self esteem issues its given me probably contributed to my ex leaving, which is again my **** up. If I ever did it again, I would not want to live on this earth, I avoid drinking more than a single beer now just because I'm scared of what happened to my behavior. I will never let myself get into a situation where that could even happen again... BUT I do want to have another relationship, and I just want to know weather people think I ****ed up for good on that front or I can seriously have another chance at a loving relationship. Just for the record it was the only time I have done anything at all like this.
You'reasian Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Look on the bright side, you were in a 6 year relationship. Congratulations! Most don't make it past 3 months. Lots of people drink. As far as drinking is concerned, just make sure you do so in moderation and don't drink more than a certain number in a given time period - hold yourself to this number.
Ronni_W Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 or I can seriously have another chance at a loving relationship. Yes, OF COURSE you deserve to have a happy, healthy, successful life including loving relationships! Your one act of cheating doesn't define who you are. It just says that you made a mistake -- whether it was stupid, unwise, misguided, unconscious, whatever you want to call it. Mistakes are how we humans choose to learn about ourselves and the world around us. (Whether we are stupid, unwise, misguided or unconscious...or all the above...I do not know.) It appears that you have learned from your mistake. But. If you choose to continue to indulge your negative self-feelings, and just stay living in the land of "Regret", and use it as your BS excuse to not do your part to start creating your happy, healthy, successful and love-filled life...well, then. Ultimately you haven't learned from your mistake at all, yes? Regardless of the past, you are STILL totally worthy, valuable, important and significant! Absolutely and 100%.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Thank you for your support. I'll try take on board what you are saying about not really having learnt a lesson If I let it ruin my chances in later relationships. I believe what you're saying but forgiving myself is still incredibly hard. Do you think there is any point trying to make up for it in anyway? Do you think I should forgive her totally for doing the same to me (not that she's shown regret)? I just want to know I've done all I can to make up for my past mistake.
Ronni_W Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 As you say, self-forgiveness is difficult enough. My suggestion would be to focus on that. Forgiving others is something we do for ourselves, anyway -- you'll get around to forgiving her when you get around to it. The thing is, of course, that your ex probably isn't living her life any differently just because you haven't forgiven yet her. It's all only impacting you in a negative way. WithForgiveness.com offers teleseminars and a series of 'Forgiveness Emails', both free and both worth checking out when you're ready to take the next step. Wishing you the best.
Admiral Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 About 2 months later we got back together and we were great again.. but I didn't come clean. Then after about 4-5 months of feeling terrible I realized I had to tell her especially if this thing was going to last. If she won't find out, don't tell her. There's absolutely no reason to. Since then its only been brought up on really rare occasions. It's in the past. She should NOT be bringing it up. Next time she does, tell her to shut up. But I have spent the last 3.5 years hurting like hell, hating myself because of it. You just wasted 3.5 years of your life hurting over nothing. You shouldn't hate yourself for that. Just a few months ago she cheated on me and left me for another guy. In a way I feel like I deserve it, but we had worked through my mistake and I had been a great boyfriend. What's this? You cheat, 2 years ago, and DON'T have sex, and you hate yourself. She cheats, and ditches you, and you still hate yourself. She didn't respect you. You let her hold the cheating over your head for the rest of the relationship, she controlled the relationship, and she got bored. I just need some advice on how I should be feeling and what I should do to right the wrongs of my past if possible. I know I cannot undo what has been done but I feel like there must be a way of not letting this consume my life. You don't need to do anything to "right the wrongs", you just wasted 3 and a half years of your life over virtually nothing. Get out and date some other women.
Bejita463 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 If she won't find out, don't tell her. There's absolutely no reason to. Uh, what? No. I don't agree with that at all. It's in the past. She should NOT be bringing it up. Next time she does, tell her to shut up. I do agree with this, however.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Hey guys thanks for all the replies, support/advice. If she won't find out, don't tell her. There's absolutely no reason to. I guess this is something people often disagree on and I feel like maybe I have a reasonable understanding of it. In her case, I would actually probably rather not know about the cheating, it just hurts now and she's left me anyway, but in my case I wanted to keep building a relationship with her and so in my opinion that really requires honesty, plus after doing this to her I felt it was really her right to know and then decide what to do, if she had wanted to bail then I would have tried to make that as easy as possible for her. It's in the past. She should NOT be bringing it up. Next time she does, tell her to shut up. Well when she did I didn't start apologizing from square one again but more replied with a "I am very sorry, but lets leave that in the past", I honestly think she had moved past it, she just occasionally brought it out when she was loosing an argument You let her hold the cheating over your head for the rest of the relationship, she controlled the relationship, and she got bored Yeah unfortunately I think you're right. As for dating other women.. before that I've really goto stop loving my ex and forgive myself for my mistake.. can't imagine anything working otherwise.
Admiral Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 As for dating other women.. before that I've really goto stop loving my ex and forgive myself for my mistake.. can't imagine anything working otherwise. Dating other women will help you forget about her. If she won't find out, don't tell her. There's absolutely no reason to. Uh, what? No. I don't agree with that at all. If she'll never find out, there's no point. It'll only cause pain - to both of you - which is needless.
Bejita463 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 If she'll never find out, there's no point. It'll only cause pain - to both of you - which is needless. I don't really intend any offense, but that is a pretty selfish attitude. A person's ability to discover the truth does not alter their right to know it. Tell your SO that if you cheated on them and knew they'd never find out on their own that you believe letting them know about it would be needless. I'm curious they would no agree. As much as I doubt you'd admit it, I don't think you would agree if they said that very same thing to you.
Admiral Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Tell your SO that if you cheated on them and knew they'd never find out on their own that you believe letting them know about it would be needless. I'm curious they would no agree. As much as I doubt you'd admit it, I don't think you would agree if they said that very same thing to you. My point still stands. The only thing that telling her will do is hurt her.
Bejita463 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 My point still stands. The only thing that telling her will do is hurt her. My point still stands too. She deserved to know, and that attitude is selfish at best. You'd see that telling her had importance if you could see past self-interest.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Well everyone is entitled to their own opinion but personally I'm glad I didn't hide it.
Gamine Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Integrity is the true measure of a man. It took tremendous respect for both yourself and your SO to have shared the truth with her. The revelation eroded a bond between you, however you did the noble thing... you risked your own comfort in order to do the right thing by someone you love. That is called self sacrifice. I understand that what you did wasn't the best thing in the world, but look how you have grown. You know with certainty the rights and wrongs of it and you know you have the capacity to do the right thing. This is a life lesson that eludes so many people. You did the correct and loving thing when you told her. Now take this, and transmute it into something you can stand firm on. You can forgive yourself because you see the wrong and the right with true depth and sincerity. That is all God asks of us. Atonement is when we put our grief into action and promise the world and ourselves to do no further harm. We are really just students of life you know... and you have grown a heart of compassion and integrity ... for which you should be proud. Now live by it!
Author Awholelotofregret Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Thank you for your kind words Gamine. I am glad this this experience (and also my recent experience of her cheating and leaving ) has taught me through pain some true values to live by. It has also forced me to grow up a lot and really see the world through wiser eyes. I just really regret that I was not the only one to suffer in this. It is good to hear voices that are not telling me to just push forward and forget the past because this is not part of me. I am not saying I need to punish myself eternally for it but I do need to keep the lesson learned in my mind and not forget, that way I will never hurt someone like this again.
thegoodlife Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Exactly. You just need to take the lesson, as hard and sh*tty as it is, and grow from that. The fact is, you f*cked up and as much as you wish you could take it back, you can't. It's in the past and the only thing left to do now is move forward.
shoesies05 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Yes, OF COURSE you deserve to have a happy, healthy, successful life including loving relationships! Your one act of cheating doesn't define who you are. It just says that you made a mistake -- whether it was stupid, unwise, misguided, unconscious, whatever you want to call it. Mistakes are how we humans choose to learn about ourselves and the world around us. (Whether we are stupid, unwise, misguided or unconscious...or all the above...I do not know.) It appears that you have learned from your mistake. But. If you choose to continue to indulge your negative self-feelings, and just stay living in the land of "Regret", and use it as your BS excuse to not do your part to start creating your happy, healthy, successful and love-filled life...well, then. Ultimately you haven't learned from your mistake at all, yes? Regardless of the past, you are STILL totally worthy, valuable, important and significant! Absolutely and 100%. i agree completely with what ronnie said in that statement. About telling or not- ive often wondered whether or not one should tell. Ultimately i think they should be told, just because something hurts doesnt mean it shouldnt be done.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 She didn't respect you. You let her hold the cheating over your head for the rest of the relationship, she controlled the relationship, and she got bored. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten "bored" and would have respected him if he didn't cheat......no? Although, her cheating, then dumping isn't what i'd have done, i'd have just left the cheater. Cheating in response to cheating just lowers yourself to a despicable level. I'd say she didn't respect him AFTER he cheated. But she should have dumped him on the spot.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Sorry to drag up my old thread! Didn't the the chance to check it for aggesss. Dexter, you're completely right - I brought my current situation on myself and I deserve everything I'm going through. I also don't think she did was 'right' but thats irrelevant now. I have been trying to forgive myself but I don't think I ever will. I can try and not dwell on it and use it as a reason to stop getting on with life, but it will be never be 'okay' that I did what I did. Still this has given me the most incredible resolve never to hurt someones trust like that again. I hope Dexter doesn't think no cheaters can learn from their mistake.
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Hey can I get advice on something for the future.. If and when I meet someone new, at what point should I tell them about my past? assuming I should? I would understand if it would make it harder for them to trust me, so I feel like they deserve to know, but I also don't want to talk about previous relationships on a first date! I know I've learned from this but I still have to face up to my past mistakes.
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Why should you have to own up to past mistakes with someone new? You say you have "learned" from them. show that in your next relationship.and maybe two people wont get hurt. No reason to bring it up..
Author Awholelotofregret Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Two people WILL NOT get hurt, I would rather jump off a bridge than cheat again. Well I guess I don't have to bring it up. But If they asked me if I had, I would admit it. I am not going to lie to someone who I want to form a serious relationship with.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Still this has given me the most incredible resolve never to hurt someones trust like that again. I hope Dexter doesn't think no cheaters can learn from their mistake. first off...cheating is NOT a mistake. it happens because the participants want it to happen. Call it a piss poor decision, but not a mistake. secondly, sure, cheaters can learn from their lousy choices I suppose....but they need and deserve to lose the person they cheated on....and hopefully apply that lesson to a future relationship and not f##k that up too. but I'll kind of reverse myself here. If I find out someone is a cheater in any of my relationships, I will probably start distancing myself from them.
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