Did he *disappear*? What happened?

[blob1939]

Well, I guess my gut feelings were right and I was made a fool… as I said in my other post, I was having problems with my very rational boyfriend, distant and always in control of his feelings, while I was the very emotional one, intense, stressed, *crazy* and so on. I convinced myself that most of our problems were my fault, since I do have a problem accepting people for who they are and I wanted to change that.

 

Anyway, after our major fight (Wednesday), where *I* talked a lot and he just listened, he came to see me on Thursday and I told him I was going to change, no more complaints, no more fights or anything like that. We had dinner with some friends and made up. On Friday morning, we said goodbye and he left, I asked him to call me when he got there. He called me at night and we spoke for maybe 2-3 minutes, I sensed he really didn’t want to talk to me, but anyway, he said the trip was OK, he was organizing his things at home and he was going to eat something before sleeping. I tried to not *imagine* things, maybe he was tired from the trip or something like that, so I just said bye.

 

Today, Saturday, would be our 3-month anniversary, so in the morning, I sent him a very nice and romantic e-mail, no mention of any complaints, just that I was very happy for being his girlfriend, wishing him good luck in his trip and new job and told him I would see him soon. The whole day I waited for some kind of answer, maybe an e-mail or phone call, but nothing happened. I know he read my message because I got a “read receipt” from his address.

 

I then decide to not call him anymore, but I’m weak and DUMB, so I called him anyway before his flight (he’s going back to his parents’ house in another country to help them with some problems). He doesn’t answer and I leave a message, nothing back. Then, after some hours I call him again (he would be between his flights, he needs a connection to get there), again he doesn’t answer and I leave a message. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me, but why? I don’t want to believe in that.

 

Later, I go to my Facebook to answer a message from a friend and I notice that a previous comment he wrote to me has been deleted… since I didn’t do it, of course, he did. Then, I realize his profile has been cancelled, he doesn’t have an account there anymore! What’s happening here? I cannot believe he is doing this with me, how come a so *rational and logical* man can just disappear? What about being a man and saying to my face “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and then moving on with his life?

 

Am I imagining things here, and there may be an explanation that I cannot see? Should I wait some days and see what happens? He is supposed to stay with his parents for 1 week, then come back to Canada and start working in his new job. I don’t want to e-mail him anymore, and I won’t, but I’m devastated, I really like him a lot and I thought he liked me too. I still cannot believe all this is happening.

 

[Kamille]

I have chills. Disappearing that way would be an insanely cold thing to do.

 

But... but... Give it a day or two. Keeping in touch while travelling can often be tricky - and some email accounts (such as gmail and hotmail) always show "read receipts" from my work account, even when I know the person I sent it too cannot possibly have read my emails.

 

Of course, it doesn't explain the disappearance of the Facebook account.

 

...

Could he be leading a double life?

[tkgirl]

I hate to be the one to say this but it doesn't sound too good... It sounds like he doesn't like confrontation and it is his reaction to everything that happened is to retreat. You say he is a very "rational" person but that is often an act... on the inside he may be feeling completely different... he's gotten good at "masking" how he feels. I know it seems cold what he is doing, but he probaly isn't trying to be mean. In his mind he is probably doing the "right" thing. I don't know... I hope I'm wrong... but this might just be it. You deserve an explanantion though... he needs to talk to you at some point. Good Luck!

[blob1939]

I hate to be the one to say this but it doesn't sound too good... It sounds like he doesn't like confrontation and it is his reaction to everything that happened is to retreat.

 

But, reaction to what? We had a fight Wednesday, made up Thursday and had a good time together, when he left Friday morning everything was *fine*... or was that an act too? Am I that dumb?

 

So, what if he gets in touch with me? Should I discuss what happened (which for him it's the same as fighting)? Pretend nothing happened, be cool and don't mention anything? What if he doesn't get in touch anymore, then, that is it? The end with no explanation? Or should I go after him?

 

I'm so shocked, I just can't understand how come a MAN acts like that... we are far away from teenagers or young people starting their lives, how come these kind of things are still happening in our age?

 

And I liked him A LOT...

[spiracles]

he deleted his facebook account? so what? i don't blame him, that **** annoys all **** out of me.

[Kamille]

So, what if he gets in touch with me? Should I discuss what happened (which for him it's the same as fighting)? Pretend nothing happened, be cool and don't mention anything? What if he doesn't get in touch anymore, then, that is it? The end with no explanation? Or should I go after him?

 

 

If he gets in touch with you, he will hopefully offer an explanation for the disappearance without you having to ask for it. Then, whatever you've gone through in the last few days is "null" in a way. I would calmly mention that you didn't appreciate not being able to reach him and that it made you worry. Don't get emotional about it, just share your feelings.

 

He's coming back to Canada you said? Is that where you are? If, in a week, you haven't hear anything from him, write him an email and leave messages where you tell him you need closure/ need to understand what happens. He owes you that much.

[refurb]

From what you've wrote it looks like he thinking the relationship is over.

 

Just because you "made up" after your fight doesn't mean he hasn't been second guessing the relationship the entire time. He probably came to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to work.

 

RF

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, if I may say so Kamille, I think that doing the complete opposite would ultimately be a lot more sensible - and would confirm things either way.

 

If you continue to try to contact him, this will simply drive him further away.

Unwilling as I am to be the bearer of bad tidings, he has given you the biggest hint of all.

First he deleted the comment to you on facebook. This means he took it back.... THEN he deleted his facebook account.

And he did not contact you on your 3rd month-versary.

Really, you have not been going out with him all that long. This relationship was still in the tentative stages, and he has decided he is done with it.

he wasn't enjoying it and he had reached the end of his patience.

Going away has been the perfect opportunity for him to distance himself from you geographically.

Now he has also taken the same opportunity to do it emotionally as well.

His manner is not good.

his method is worse.

it is rude, disrespectful and unfair.

But his actions are extremely rational. To himself.

 

"Out of sight, out of mind. cut it off and stay distant. Remove yourself from the situation and move on. shed it quickly, definitively and completely.

leave her in no uncertain mind that this is finished. erase all connection, go".

 

as far as he is concerned, you have your closure right there, and all the closure you need.

 

Keep away from him, do not contact him, do not try to speak to him, and let things go.

You may find in time, he will contact you of his own accord.

but please, don't hang around waiting for this.

he has abandoned this embryonic relationship.

Thank goodness it was not 3 years old.

[Kamille]

His manner is not good.

his method is worse.

it is rude, disrespectful and unfair.

But his actions are extremely rational. To himself.

 

"Out of sight, out of mind. cut it off and stay distant. Remove yourself from the situation and move on. shed it quickly, definitively and completely.

leave her in no uncertain mind that this is finished. erase all connection, go".

 

as far as he is concerned, you have your closure right there, and all the closure you need.

 

Keep away from him, do not contact him, do not try to speak to him, and let things go.

You may find in time, he will contact you of his own accord.

but please, don't hang around waiting for this.

he has abandoned this embryonic relationship.

Thank goodness it was not 3 years old.

 

I understand what you mean - I just think his actions are cowardly. I know I would be devastated if someone ended things with me that way, and I would definitely be looking for answers. And I feel he should at least be made aware that his actions are unreasonnable, selfish and irrational.

 

But I agree, in the end, asking him to at least do the decent thing makes her even more vulnerable. No matter what, she will need to find closure on her own.

[Jersey Shortie]

Blob, this man is neither rational or logical, or very sound for that matter. To me, it sounds like he is hiding behind this facade because it makes him feel more incontrol. This guy is obviously the furtherest thing from incontrol. Guys that are in control, rational and logical don't flee. The dude is holding you at emotional ramson. Three months and he pulls this kind of stuff? That is NOT normal behavior. If you continued this relationship he would have contintued to emotionally ramson you and *YOU*, from the sound of it, would have let him. WTF Do you think his happiness is more important then yours? Cause I got to tell you, that's what it sounds like. Maybe you should be asking yourself why you were willing to risk a part of you that runs deep to make this other person happy.

 

A man that doesn't think he needs to compromise and work on a relationship and can't bear to hear any details of the such, never would have really given you his heart or true intimacy. And if you, hid your feelings, you would eventually become dispassionate and miserable.

 

There are other men out there. Better men. Men that will want to make you happy. Men that won't write you off for daring to having emotions. Now, I'm not saying that having strong emotions means screaming like a banche. But it does mean you're allowed to get upset from time to time and expect your partner to want to hear you out.

 

I know your hurt by his actions, but in this case, this guy has emotional issues at the wazzoo. Don't blame yourself and stop calling yourself dumb. We ALL do things in the relationship and wonder if that's how we should have done it. Someone that truly loves us will work with us on it.

[blob1939]

I guess you all are right... I know 3 months together is not *that* much, but I really liked him a lot and I thought he liked me too. I just cannot understand how a person - anybody - chooses to end things like that, it's so cold and detached. But maybe this is who he is.

 

Another day went by with no news from him. No e-mails, no calls, no contact whatsoever. Like I said, he'll stay abroad for 1 week, I don't expect him to get in touch with me anymore. After he comes back to Canada, he's going directly to his city and it will be up to him to come after me. But for some reason, I don't think that will happen.

 

I know I was not a very easy person to deal this last month, but neither was he and I think that when you like the person, you *fight* to overcome the problems. I never yelled or screamed during our discussions, my problem was (is) that I'm emotional and I make very clear when I'm happy, or sad, or upset, or whatever... he was always in control of his emotions. At least he never lied about it, he told me he was like that and he liked to be like that.

 

The only thing in my mind today was, what should I do if he comes back and never calls me to end it? But now I pretty much expect that anyway and I know what I have to do... nothing, like he is doing now.

 

I'm very sad with everything that happened.

[Jersey Shortie]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's an emotional situation all around. Blob, seriously, he was not as in control about his emotions as you seem to think. Any man incontrol of his emotions doesn't pick up and leave with no comment to you. That's messed up. Better now then a year from now or 5 year from now. It has to do more with his personal issues then yours. You will meet a better guy.

[Mycroft]

Its so easy for me as an outsider to say, but you shouldn't want him to come after you.

 

Ever wonder what type of guy would vanish on his wedding day?

 

You dodged a bullet here. I went through something similar myself and I've been trying to convince myself the same thing. But as I said, its easy looking in from the outside.

[loveslife]

Blob, keep in mind that anyone giving you advice here is doing so from their own perspective and own experiences. This is a very limited medium from which to get advice. Everyone is going to interpret what you wrote their own way.

 

That said, what it seems like to me is he just had enough of disappointing you. That he just feels you guys don't get along and he wants a little distance.

 

Should he have said something beforehand? Of course. But everyone reaches their limits and maybe he reached his.

 

Is it anyone's fault? Is he a sociopath or irresponsible or cold? It's hard for anyone on this board to know that. It's hard to know someone in person. It can take a long time to really understand someone.

 

What I will say is I hope you learn something from this about yourself, because you were involved in this relationship, too.

 

I've gone through a lot of relationships where I would end up feeling, I wish I hadn't said or done this, that or the other thing. And it was ALWAYS me being overly critical or blowing up at someone. But I just couldn't help myself at the time.

 

Well, I'm working very, very hard right now to learn to do better with the things I know I do wrong. With the ways I sabotage relationships. That's the best we can do.

 

Good luck.

[blob1939]

Well, he finally sent me an e-mail this afternoon, said "Happy Anniversary to you too" and talked a little about his new apartment. Like nothing had happened...

 

Now, I don't know how to answer this, pretend nothing happened and wait until he comes back, say something now and end everything by e-mail, just ignore it and see what happens in the future...

 

This really sucks, I don't even know what *I* want.

[You'reasian]

Well, he finally sent me an e-mail this afternoon, said "Happy Anniversary to you too" and talked a little about his new apartment. Like nothing had happened...

 

Now, I don't know how to answer this, pretend nothing happened and wait until he comes back, say something now and end everything by e-mail, just ignore it and see what happens in the future...

 

This really sucks, I don't even know what *I* want.

 

Do you like/need the chase?

 

I've noticed that women whom often don't know what they want are often susceptible to the chase.

 

A man who initiates and knows what he wants with a woman who doesn't know what she wants usually ends up tragically.

 

A man who plays it cold & cool, emotionally unavailable gets these kinds of women all the time...and they come back to him again and again and again.

 

In the *dating* world, its almost beneficial for men to be this way.

[Kamille]

Well, he finally sent me an e-mail this afternoon, said "Happy Anniversary to you too" and talked a little about his new apartment. Like nothing had happened...

 

Now, I don't know how to answer this, pretend nothing happened and wait until he comes back, say something now and end everything by e-mail, just ignore it and see what happens in the future...

 

This really sucks, I don't even know what *I* want.

 

What? He casually sends an email three days in? did you guys talk at all about what kind of communication you were expecting while he was away?

 

Regardless, I think this shows you two are incompatible. You sent a romantic e-mail he responds with details of his apartment. Come on, we both know that's not what you want.