sunshinegirl Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 On May 24 I will be going to my good friends' baby shower. These are the mutual friends who introduced me to my ex, and because it's a coed shower, there is some chance he will be there. My friend said that they had not yet invited him, and in fact hoped he would be out of town so they wouldn't have to, but that if he is in town that weekend, they will feel obligated to invite him. So I hope not to dwell on this for the next three weeks, especially since he might not be there after all, but I am getting a pit in my stomach just thinking about seeing him. Our breakup occurred a year ago tomorrow and I haven't laid eyes on him since mid-May 2008. He wasn't very apologetic for cheating, and he's still with the office hooch. I suppose the worst thing would be if he brings hooch to the shower. Despite all the work and progress I've made over the last year, I honestly don't know how I will handle it if I have to see him.
hopesndreams Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Do not go to this baby shower. You will suffer big time if he is there with his office hooch. Why put yourself through this? There is a chance he may not be there, why take the chance? How could you be expected to be there if they might, would have, could have, might have invited him? Know for sure whether or not he will be there before you go and if you can't be sure he won't be there, do not go! This good friend will respect that, won't she?
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 hopesndreams, I appreciate your thoughts. So the thing is, this is my dear friend who struggled to get pregnant for over a year. I am not about to put my temporary emotional discomfort over the importance of this baby, this pregnancy, this shower. She asked me several weeks ago if I would be around Mem Day weekend for it; I am better and closer friends to them than he is; and the breakup was a year ago. If it were "fresher" I am sure they would understand, but I have moved on reasonably well from the breakup and just uncertain about how I am going to react to seeing him. For all those reasons, it's a given that I will be there. I am just trying to prepare (but not freak out) at the possibility that he will be too. Thanks for reponding.
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 If the office hooch is there, walk up to him and give him a big hug and kiss, right on the lips! If she's not, ignore him.
hopesndreams Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I am not about to put my temporary emotional discomfort over the importance of this baby, As long as it is temporary then you will do fine whether he is there or not, right? Temporarily anyone can live through anything really but if you think that it will set you back if you do see him there, with or without his office hooch, then do not attend. She'll understand.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Hi sunshine! Could you find out from your friend whether or not he plans on attending, and if so, if he will be with the hooch? That might ease you mind, or help you prepare better. Here's what I hope for you, if he does show up: that you confront that demon and realize that your life is much better without him. Also, you could enlist a friend to be the "run-into-the-ex" buddy. Someone who knows you haven't been in the same room with him since the break up, and who can support you and help you see the lighter side of it. You'll be fine. You'll be surrounded by friends cooing over baby clothes, aunties doing their best to push sandwiches on to you, and all comes to worst, you can always lock yourself in the bathroom.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Hi Kamille! Yes, my friend says she'll tell me as soon as she knows whether he's coming or not. As I think about it, he will certainly know I'm going to be there, and I have serious doubts he would bring hooch - not really because of me, but because they as a couple don't socialize with the mutual friends - my girlfriend can't stand him anymore and wants nothing to do with him (ironic then, that they feel like they have to invite him to the shower anyway!). So yes, I will know in the next week or two whether I need to worry about it. And good idea about the "run into the ex" buddy and/or surrounding myself with the cooing aunts and baby talk. He hates that stuff. Finally, I would love for this to be the final nail in the coffin, where I see with clear eyes how much better life is without him in it. TBF: love the boldness of the smooch if hooch is there. It was a good reminder to me that I have no reason to be cowed by him. He was the douche bag, not me.
TheBigCow Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I don't know If I'm irrational, but if he was truly sorry about cheating then he should have stayed away from this other woman out of respect. Anyway back to the main problem. Why not ask your friend to ask him not to bring the other woman, she can do it without saying you asked her to and even if it in a way empowers him at least you can go and support your friend without crushing your own mental situation.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Thanks BigCow (nice name!). I agree that he really should have not cheated in the first place if he had any kind of soul. (Oh sorry, that's my paraphrase.) Especially since his ex-wife cheated on him and he claimed to know how much it hurt to be cheated on. Dick. I don't want to put my friends in the middle too much, so I'm not planning to ask them to please not invite the hooch. I suspect they won't anyway, since they don't know her very well and certainly don't socialize with them as a couple. They both know how awful the breakup was for me and I trust them to do as much as they can to minimize the awkwardness. I am sure they don't want drama or tension at their baby shower. My ex is kind of a coward anyway and even he ought to realize how not-fun for HIM it would be to have his current girlfriend in the same room as his ex-girlfriend whose last words to him were an email tongue lashing about how hypocritical and cruel his behavior was, and what a disappointment he was as a person. So we will see how it unfolds. If he comes I will do my best not to let it affect me or put my friends in an awkward position.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 So we will see how it unfolds. If he comes I will do my best not to let it affect me or put my friends in an awkward position. Just so you know, I'm sure your friends would more then understand if you were affected by it - and they will be happy to support you. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to worry about putting them in an awkward position. You're allowed to have feelings - and we both know you're not the kind to make scenes.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Just so you know, I'm sure your friends would more then understand if you were affected by it - and they will be happy to support you. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to worry about putting them in an awkward position. You're allowed to have feelings - and we both know you're not the kind to make scenes. Yes, they are good friends. I saw my girlfriend yesterday and she said she and her husband had talked about it more and are really thinking about not inviting him at all...both really hoping he will be out of town. But if they do have to invite him, they feel like they can't exclude the hooch, and that if by some chance they both decide to come, I shouldn't feel bad at all about skipping and we will have our own mini-shower at some other point in the weekend. What has surprised me most about this little "contact hiccup" is how much it has affected me. Absolutely nothing has changed in life, in reality, but I've spent the last day dwelling on him and his stupid hooch and forgetting all the great progress I've made over the last several months. It's very unnerving to realize that I am not yet over the jerk, since I haven't even had any contact with him but this is how I'm reacting to the possibility of seeing him. Grr.
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 The first time you see them, is the most difficult. After that, it gets easier and easier. I'm glad you're not putting your friends in the middle. While my friends were wonderful, in supporting me at the beginning, I couldn't ask them to do more after a certain period of time. Do this meeting with your normal tact, if it happens. You have nothing to fear and you just might surprise yourself, with how much your feelings have changed. The fairly regular contact I had with my ex, after I forgave him, helped me out a great deal. While I was pretty much over him really, really quickly, it was sometimes difficult to get over the devastation of the betrayal. But you know what? Life goes on and you learn something from it. You learn never to take crap and to demand that someone else bring to the table, all that you also have to offer. You also learn that you can walk away from anything!
Kamille Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 What has surprised me most about this little "contact hiccup" is how much it has affected me. Absolutely nothing has changed in life, in reality, but I've spent the last day dwelling on him and his stupid hooch and forgetting all the great progress I've made over the last several months. It's very unnerving to realize that I am not yet over the jerk, since I haven't even had any contact with him but this is how I'm reacting to the possibility of seeing him. Grr. The break-up happened about a year ago, correct? Around the date of my break-up, I suddenly started thinking about the ex all over again. It annoyed me. Fortunately I didn't have to run into him, but still, yes, I did have a hiccup. But there was a silver lining to this hiccup: it helped me get over the ex even more, now that I've dealt with those emotions. So be patient with yourself. Know that in the long run, this will along make you stronger.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 I found out last night that the ex will NOT be at the shower Sunday. As relieved as I feel, I had been getting all geared up for the contact and feel slightly let down now. However, in the end I think it's better that I don't have to see him and I can continue living my life without the evil ghost of my past intruding on it.
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