nama Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Hi guys, I am currently involved with a MM. I have known him for 10 years and we met when I was 17 and were friends. We were quite close though I had no feelings for him, I later found out he really liked me all that time. But I was always interested in someone else. Anyway, forward 5 years and he was about to get married. Just before he was about to get married out of the blue he asked to kiss me one day when we were alone talking. I kissed him and that point changed everything. I realised I was in love with him. Obviously it was too late but he said that he had and would always love me but had moved on. He got married. I had to get on with it. About 6 months later we spoke and he wanted to meet up and see me. We met up and we slept together and it was amazing. We have met up every year since (sometimes more - he lives far away) to just be with eachother and have sex. We emailed and called eachother in between. When ever I was single I would see him but not other wise (not that really makes a difference - cheating is cheating). However last year i broke off contact, changed my number etc and it lasted nearly a year. I am now back in contact. I want to stop doing this because I know its wrong and for the past 10years its been eating me up and only now i feel i am maybe strong enough to let go and not give in. I am still in love with him. You're probably thinking why didn't he break up with his wife and get together with you? He is from a tradition South Asian background and will under no circumstances leave his wife. He now has a child and in our culture once married, its forever. I made my peace with that years ago and it is in effect casual sex but we BOTH are in love with eachother. I want to let go. I'm done with the guilt and the lying. I love him and am infatuated by him. We are planning on meeting up at the end of the month and I want to end it face to face - proper closure. Please help!??!
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 It amazes me how the excuses of culture say don't divorce, but it okay to bonk someone who isn't your spouse. How is one wrong and one isn't? I am well aware all cultures are different and have traditions that aren't understood by people outside of the situation, but come on, how is divorce wrong but extramarital sex isn't.
Author nama Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Its not that its wrong to him but shameful. In our culture divorce is frowned upon and he is pretty traditional that way. Obviously not traditional enough to have sex with me. He has such a big chip on his shoulder - he wants everyone to think he is successful and thus married someone who was quite successful. If he divorced her he would lose a HELL of a lot. Shallow, I know.
jj33 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I always shake my head when people give the "our culture" excuse for sleeping with a woman and telling her you know I cant be with you our culture would frown on it. Like you are doing some service to your ancestors by being his dirty secret. Everyone uses that excuse. I am Catholic I cant divorce (but I can bonk you) I am Jewish - it would shame may family... What they really mean is, I am doing what is good for me - screw you and your needs, my agenda is more important than yours. The "culture" is hypocritical. Its all ok so long as nobody knows or those that know dont tell. Every culture has its hypocrisy. The question is do you want to be a part of the conspiracy? If you dont then you dont. If you do then you do. But just because you are from that background doesnt mean you need to buy into the bits that keep women down or in this case would suggest that you need to be second best. Every man on the planet has a suitcase full of excuses why he cant leave his wife and guess what? Some do. Otherwise there wouldnt be such a high divorce rate. I appreciate that in countries like India and Pakistan the divorce rate is quite low because of the social stigma (but there are also honor killings, Im sure you dont support that even in theory simply because its part of the culture?) You have every right to bow out of it. You know where he stands - he is taking the easy way out. The next question is whether you need to tell him in person. Im not sure you do. You may think you do, but are you ready to have him try to reel you back in by saying yes but you know my situation. You know I have no choice?? If you must you must be firm and be strong.
fooled once Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 He is NOT in love with you. He likes to have sex with you. Period. And you have no self respect because if you did; you wouldn't let him boink you. WHAT happened to women staying away from married men? What happened to women having self respect? You don't love him. You lust him. And I agree with the bullsh*t excuses of cultures not allowing or frowning upon divorce. Show me ONE culture that celebrates and encourages divorce? Show me one country that says divorce is what everyone should strive to do. Crap. Utter crap. IF he wanted to be with you, he would be. If a man truly loves a woman, he would BE with her. Stop allowing yourself to be USED and learn about trust, fidelity, honor and dignity.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 No need to see him face to face. You can end it by phone or email. Seeing him is just going to make it harder on you.
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Fooled you contradicted yourself. You are saying if he loved her he would divorce and then saying no culture celebrates divorce... you are supporting her argument that he has no choice his culture demands that he stay married.... Im sure that is not what you intended.
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 And Nama did you ever notice how people pick and choose what is shameful? He wont divorce because its shameful to HIM but he will keep you as a secret because that is only shameful to YOU... Dont go see him. You dont owe him that. Email him and then block his emails. And it doesnt matter if having a mistress is socially acceptable for a man in your culture. Its still not acceptable for the woman. Its the old boys will be boys but women who have sex are bad... He is thinking of him, you need to think of you.
tami-chan Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Hi Nama! I understand the cultural thing. I am sorry that you are getting insults here about it. It is very difficult for westerners to understand that kind of mentality and so they just throw it out as excuses. It is a bit ignorant, but what can one say, they probably need to travel more or at least read more books about other cultures. You know Nama, if your family knows about your relationship with this guy, you will suffer more. I doubt that you will get support from them. So really what is in it for you? He is not going to leave his wife. Leaving his wife will destroy not only is own family but also the extended family. Let's say he leaves the wife and you marry him. Aside from the scandal, you will have step-child. Awkward in that culture to explain and/or deal with. Plus you will always be the second wife. In the west, that distinction is not a big deal, I bet in your culture is carries some undercurrent of negativity. Nama, you do not want this to blow up on your face. This is a scandal that will sully you and your family. Break it off. End it. I know that is easier said than done but many have and they do not regret it...take care.
Author nama Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 I have in the past broken contact with him - the longest period being 9 months. I have broken it off suddenly but just not telling him - i changed my number, my email etc. How we got back in touch was that he emailed my old address and I was checking it to see whether any important emails were there (i did keep that email open thoughI never used it). I guess I missed him - before all this happened he was a very close friend. He is the only person that truly knows me and I guess I needed him. I understand and agree with what you are all saying. Truly, I put my hands up and know what I have done is immoral. I have battled with this for years. I used to think I was a good, decent human being. The question I am actually asking you is that I need help in ending this. The no contact just does not work. I have tried it.
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Nama why do you need to be in contact with him? So he emails you. You ignore his emails. You can also block his emails. You can block his calls. If you want out you need to be ready to stop contact with him. Otherwise it will never be over.
wildsoul Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 The question I am actually asking you is that I need help in ending this. The no contact just does not work. I have tried it. You're making the right decision! If you want to end it, then you need to end it NOW and not in person. It will be much much harder on both of you if you are in person. Save yourselves the cost of travel. Stop the affair now, while you've got the right mindset. No contact DOES work. Keep in mind that many, probably most, people don't do it perfectly. They sometimes need to try it a few times. It just hasn't worked for you YET. It's really hard at first, but then later it makes your healing so much easier!
Author nama Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Thank you Wildsoul for those comforting words. Thanks for not passing judegment but giving advice. I am currently seeing a psychotherapist and aim to talk to her about this. I had intially sought someone to speak to about my behaviour in general rather than this situation but I think with some positivity and talking to her I may overcome this. Thanks
bentnotbroken Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Thank you Wildsoul for those comforting words. Thanks for not passing judegment but giving advice. I am currently seeing a psychotherapist and aim to talk to her about this. I had intially sought someone to speak to about my behaviour in general rather than this situation but I think with some positivity and talking to her I may overcome this. Thanks Using therapy to find avenues of behavior modification, can be life changing. It makes things so much clearer, once you get through the muck. You will wonder why you didn't see things in a different perspective before. I am glad I went(continue to go), it saved my life.
White Flower Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I can't help but think he is a serial cheater who has so many women in his home town and you are only getting him once a year. Sorry, and I don't usually say this to new posters, but when I get a strong feeling I cannot walk away from it. Yes, dump him now. And you you need sex, USE HIM!!! Because he is only using you. Again, only a feeling.
Author nama Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 He is actually not capable of being a serial cheater. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow morning and will tell her everything. I only briefly mentioned to her once that the worst thing I did was have an affair with a married man. I left it at that and she asked no more. I think its time for me to discuss this. Its hard talking to someone face to face about it especially as I am ashamed about it. I hope she will be able to help me because at the moment all i can think about is this. Like I said, I want to move on.
jj33 Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Nama thats a really good idea. If you are so infatuated with someone you see once a year, who you know you can never have there are probably deeper issues there. Hopefully she can help you explore them.
White Flower Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 He is actually not capable of being a serial cheater. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow morning and will tell her everything. I only briefly mentioned to her once that the worst thing I did was have an affair with a married man. I left it at that and she asked no more. I think its time for me to discuss this. Its hard talking to someone face to face about it especially as I am ashamed about it. I hope she will be able to help me because at the moment all i can think about is this. Like I said, I want to move on. I'm not trying to start an argument, but how do you know he is not capable? And good luck with the therapy session. I'm sure it will be very helpful.
Recommended Posts