jqb05443 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I was with my bf for 3.5 years. He is 33 and I am 30. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago and had NC for over one week until I broke and sent a hey text message which he responded to right away with a hey how are you? we exchanged other short messages this week. i asked him if he needed more time with us not talking and he said no. The first week was brutal but we always had little arguements where we would break up and then get back together a few days later. This has been the longest we have ever gone without seeing eachother or talking. This week the break up really has started to sink in and i have been a mess. I feel like I need closure and the only way I will have it is by seeing him in person and just getting a few things off of my chest. I don't want to fight or yell I just want him to hear me out. I know he will be home Monday morning as he told me in one of his texts. I want to show up unannounced to talk to him and just say my peace from the heart. I am not going to beg him to take me back i just feel like after everything that i did for him when he went through a very tough time last year he at least owes me this closure. When he broke up with me 2 weeks ago I was shocked so i didn't get to say much as i thought ok we will get through this and two weeks later obviously we didn't. I know if I call and say I wan t to talk he probably won't agree to it. I have never done anything stalkerish to him ever to make him think that he has something to fear with me showing up. I just feel like I need to do this for closure. I am pretty sure if I show up there he will not throw the door in my face. Any advice? thanks
TheBigCow Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Well most people will probably encourage you to stick with NC but I'm not convinced its always the best answer (although I'm not doing great myself lol). I say if you decide to go see him tell him first, It would be very cold of him to say no to a coffee. But before you decide to go see him consider a few things: -What could he say/explain that will give you closure -Do you know that this will NOT help you get over him -Do you really believe its over? ect Before you decide that you should go, you really need to sort out what you want out of it. Maybe you deep down think that things could still be resolved and if you consider it and truly believe that talking to him is the best way for that to work then do it. Bottom line, think how it will help before acting. When I was in a similar situation I decided to go see her and I did not get closure but I'm still glad I acted in the way that I thought was right instead of what someone else told me and I've learnt myself from it/
Author jqb05443 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 I know. I just know if i tell him he won't agree to it. We live 45 mins away from eachother so I know if I show up there he won't refuse to talk to me as I went all that way and we didn't break up because of something that I did wrong. Like cheating on him or something like that. In the perfect world I would like to give him a heads up that I am coming...but if I do like I said he will most likely say no. Once he sees me...he will have no choice but to hear me out. Honestly am i hoping for a reconcilation...YES...do i really think that is what is going to happen..NO. BUT i thought this was the person i was going to marry. I feel if i don't go and say what i need to say then I will always wonder what if??
Author jqb05443 Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 BTW big cow...when you went to see her did you let her know you were going?
Island Girl Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Even if he does agree to talk to you then experiences here and those I personally know of show no guarantee that you will get the answers you are looking for. The only "closure" you can really hope to have is that which you have complete control of. And that would be accepting the fact that it is over and moving on immediately to embrace the future (which doesn't include him). NC is for you to move on. Chatting with him was a mistake. Now it is nagging at you that the door is somewhat open. But it isn't. And it is over. No matter the reason or non-reason. The bottom line is it is over and you need to move on.
Flying Burrito Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Sure sounds like scheming for a last hurrah booty call to me. Give yourself some good love and leave your ex alone. I'm sorry its not a sweet, corny answer but he broke up with you. There's your answer. What more closure do you need? This chapter of your story closes with you crossed off the list of whatever your ex wants in his life currently. You can talk all you like, you can get down on your knees and blow, you can give him home baked goodies, you could trash his BMW... Any attention you get is going to be contrived. Eventually you WILL have to leave and you WILL leave unsatisfied because what you want is the lame prick who just dumped you. Spend the time and money you would spend on torturing yourself seeing that dumb sh*t and instead do something completely wonderful for yourself, something you never did before. Something that has nothing to do with the ex.
TheBigCow Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 hey jbq, Yeah I did let my ex-girlfriend know I was coming to talk to her, we also live about 30 minutes away, but we met something in between, I figure this was so she could leave when she liked and didn't have to go through chucking me out (didn't come to that ). The above two are right, I'm 99% sure you won't get closure and all you're doing is hurting yourself. HOWEVER I know exactly what you know about the 'what if' situation. I also thought It was going to marry this person (a bit naive maybe but we were much closer than any other couple I've ever seen) and I said to myself If I don't go and tell her how I feel then I'll never know. I didn't beg, just told her exactly how much I loved her and gave her the chance to re-think it.. unfortunately for me there was another guy involved and it did me no good. Do I regret going? In hindsight yes of course but would I do it again if I'm in the same situation? probably yes. When I was considering talking to her there was one thing a friend said to me that made my mind up: "In 20 years time you are not going to regret the things you did do, you are going to regret the things you didn't do". Having said that, you do need to at some point say to yourself "this is over!" because otherwise its a never ending question of is there a chance if I just do this and this. This is something you need to consider before breaking NC because like the above posters have said, if going and seeing him is not going to move you closer to this point, don't put yourself through the pain. Just for the record, I still hurt a lot and my breakup was 3.5 months ago.. so take my advice with a grain of salt mine still comes from the heart instead of the head
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