Soul Bear Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 As some of you know, NC is the way to go... But i also know that you are doing in not only to heal yourself, but also to manipulate your ex into still feeling for you. Well, some of you are anyway.... Well there are 2 parts to this. 1st off we have 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and then we have 'out of sight, out of mind' IF you are considering breaking your own, or their NC rule. I suggest you think very clearly about what it is you are going to say, and the reason you are breaking it. STOP PLAYING GAMES. They dont work, and if by some small chance they do, you have not healed yourself, and guaranteed that the next chance WILL NOT work. They will have grown, and you will not have. I recently, today, broke my own NC rule. 1 month after we broke up. The first thing to remember is to not expect a reply. You may do it because you need closure, or you may be doing it because you want to beg a plead some more or to bargain. I did it because i realised it was a game i was playing, and also to heal myself. Either way is fine, just remember, for every action, there is a reaction. And if you are prepared to hear the worst and put your heart on the line again then do it. So my breaking NC was not about begging or pleading, it was not about closure either. I did it because in this breaking up, I have truly found myself. THE REAL ME!! My ex filled a hole in me that made me feel like i was incomplete without her. And i wanted to thank her for this split, as it was THE BEST thing that could have happened. I have been running for long time, away from myself. And in these last few days, I have actually come to realise that i dont need her to complete me. I needed this to complete myself. 2 halfs DO NOT make a whole. Two complete people make an everlasting bond, whether it is with your ex or with someone new down the line. Alot of you try to run away from the pain. I did too. Dont do it. Dont act on it. Just feel it. And work on yourself, FACE YOURSELF AND YOUR FEARS. dont try to do things to keep your mind away from it, as this is not healing. It is BURYING THE PAIN so you dont have to feel it. This pain is what helps you to learn and grow about YOURSELF. This is what I have come to realise recently, I have to say, as much as I miss her, and still love her, I am actually happy inside. I need to re-itterate that I did not beg a plead, i did not bargain. I simply realised that i was scared of meeting myself through that pain, and in the pain I faced head on and confronted I truly found myself. So if this makes sense to any of you, I am very ahppy for you, and I wish you the best of luck. If this makes no sense to you, then i suggest you DO NOT break your NC as you are not ready yet. Just keep reading all the above until it sinks in. I stopped blaming other people for what happened, as some of you will know my story already, that is what i was doing. I blamed everyone for my Mistakes and why we broke up. Go find yourselves, trust me. It will be the best move of your life. Love to you all Peace and Light SoulBear xox
Author Soul Bear Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 p.s if anyone disagrees with this please say
Excellent Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I couldn't agree more actually, as i experienced this yesterday. Until then i had been stringed along for 2 months, jumping to nc for another 2 months and then finally "acting" like friends again for 1 month. It all stopped yesterday. We had a talk, face-to-face. She dumped me in early dec 08, she found someone else 2 months later after the break, and is still with him. This i already knew, and told her that i did. Eventhough i know she has tried very hard to hide it. And it's fine, i don't care who she is with, as long as she is happy. The conversation didn't go so well tho, altough i consider myself over her and our relationship, it still stings a bit when shell told me this, because it reopened some old wounds as she continued talking about our relationship. And it ended in her getting mad at me, because of a suggestion i made, thus ending the conversation before i was done speaking. I got home, and wrote her a long e-mail, spilling my guts. Told her everything, how i felt, how i feel and what i want. I wished her well with her new boyfriend, told her that my only wish is that she is happy, not matter who she is with. And i told her that a friendship between me and her wouldn't gain anything in the long run, and it would be unfair to her new boyfriend too. So, i said that i would cut all contact from now on, in respect of her private life, and mine, and said that she would never hear from me again outside work. Again i removed her from my msn, facebook, cellphone. Deleted all of her texts, EVERYTHING that reminds me of her is gone. I cherish the memories she gave me, but i'm done missing them. And it helped! Months of this nagging pain is gone now, i feel...empty, but not sad. And for some reason, after i had sent that e-mail, i stopped thinking so hard about her. Now i really have to concetrate to think about her, she is blurred in my head now, and quickly fading. I guess this is when you realize that now you are truly ready to move on. And i am! I am aching to find someone new to fall in love with now, i just hope it will happen soon. I am so sick of being single
Knowingmeknowingyou Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Soul Bear So so true what you have said. I myself kept breaking NC (We broke up in Dec) . First of all I thought I could 'handle' it, maybe he would reply and it would somehow lead to a reconcilliation...instead I set myself on a wild goose chase to nothing...just more confusion and hurt...and now am playing catch up in my healing. You are right...facing the pain head on is the only way, trying to sidestep the pain by reaching out to exs in order to feel better ...only postpones the inevitable and often tends to backfire. If they were the ones to finish it then they need to be the ones to reach out. That much I feel I have learned lately, its the natural order of things. I put a picture of myself as a little girl next to the PC, this is to remind myself to take care of that little girl, still inside somewhere, to make peace with myself, to not beat myself up over the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 It honestly depends on what you telling them when you break it..... After we broke up, i had an email syaing, 'i have learned my lessons, now you need to go and learn yours' and that 'i feel like i was living for 1 1/2 people' That, at the time made no sense at all to me, it was only when i grasped the fact that it was her who filled that hole inside of me, and that i need to be whole 'person'...if that makes sense. So i emailed her saying where i went wrong, and after she left i realised that the only thing i was scared of, was meeting myself, and was running away from the truth, i was blameing it on everyone else, when all along it was me. And that this breakup was actually a great gift, as i now almost feel like a whole person again, and that i understand now what she meant by that. I also thanked her. I didnt ask for her back or tell her i missed her. It was actually a really nice email. I have had no reply, im not expecting one, as i know i part that everything i wrote was probably a huge shock to her that i had actually grasped the whole concept of it, and in only the space of almost a month after we broke up after 4.5 years together....not even that actually, in my other post, she spoke to me on the 28th of last month, and i was still blaming it on other people....so its been the last 4 days that i have seen the light so to speak. If she cant see how special i am for that, then she is not worth my time. She may not even have found herself yet....who knows. Its good to share this with you guys. Im glad that some of you agree with im saying too, its nice to know i havent just gone batty
Excellent Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I did want to get back with my ex, but i learned over the last months that all this did to me was giving me false hope, and destroying me as a person. I just finally had enough of the games. I got to the point where i wanted final closure. So i sent her an e-mail, not begging her back. Just telling that i know what i did wrong, and that i will put that knowledge to good use in the next relationship, and finally wishing her well with her new boyfriend.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 how long were you guys together for? I am very happy that you have realised this about yourself, and what there is to learn from the relationship, also the breakup too. Everything will ALL WAYS work out for the best. You learn alot about yourself from the breakup, only once you get through that self pity and pining stage. In the words of Gangaji 'I wish you all lots of pain in your life! Pain brings growth and learning and NEW opportunities.' This is what breakups are all about, its about meeting yourself, your fears and your pain. We are all scared of that.
Excellent Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 how long were you guys together for? I am very happy that you have realised this about yourself, and what there is to learn from the relationship, also the breakup too. Everything will ALL WAYS work out for the best. You learn alot about yourself from the breakup, only once you get through that self pity and pining stage. In the words of Gangaji 'I wish you all lots of pain in your life! Pain brings growth and learning and NEW opportunities.' This is what breakups are all about, its about meeting yourself, your fears and your pain. We are all scared of that. Not long at all, only 3 months. But it was very intense, like..unreal intense. I met her through work, and i still work with her. So it has been hard, very hard. I have a tendency to keep things for myself, putting all the weight on my shoulders and keep my mouth shut. So it finally felt good after i said what i said in that e-mail. I just hope i won't go through that again with someone else.
quankanne Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 soul, this is an excellent post, and I hope that the members of this forum take heed of the wisdom you share. because the only way you CAN heal ... can get to know yourself better and understand why things "went wrong" ... is to cut yourself off cold turkey and immerse yourself in a journey of discovery. I think many people go into a NC situation with the thought, "well I can always contact him/her if I want." That doesn't give closure, and it doesn't allow the person who needs it most the chance to heal/grow. thanks for sharing!
Author Soul Bear Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 soul, this is an excellent post, and I hope that the members of this forum take heed of the wisdom you share. because the only way you CAN heal ... can get to know yourself better and understand why things "went wrong" ... is to cut yourself off cold turkey and immerse yourself in a journey of discovery. I think many people go into a NC situation with the thought, "well I can always contact him/her if I want." That doesn't give closure, and it doesn't allow the person who needs it most the chance to heal/grow. thanks for sharing! hehehe, thanks very much! Its quite a way from my first post last week- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187266/
jcs8528 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Great posts. I am going through what everyone else here is. We were together for three years, I asked her to leave and than wanted her back due to my guilt and she had me believing I was a monster. She had been stringing me along for over a year before I implemented NC. I blocked her e-mail, Cell Phone, everything. I couldn't do it anymore, I had changed, gone to counseling and improved everything I could for her. I did it exactly the wrong way and for the wrong reasons and pushed her far away from me. She used me as an emotional crutch until she found someone else. She would call or text everyday. Some nice some mean and jealous. The story is much more complicated than I can ever relay here, but she held my weaknesses over my head til I had had enough. NC has only been a couple days, she e-mailed me to get her stuff, and all I said was "If I find anything of yours I'll give it to your friend Lynne." My point is this. I did it all wrong, still for her. That's how I had become in the relationship, my role, and she knew anytime she wanted me she could have me. When I finally stepped back and looked at the "man" I'd become I was ashamed and knew I had lost myself in the relationship. After I saw this, I realized I why i didn't want her in the first place. She was behaving very badly and I caught her in multiple lies. I deserve much much better. I still miss her and yes, I've wanted to text her because I just blocked her without telling her why. Than I remembered...She doesn't care. NC should to be used to "get someone out of your system" not to get them back, I know from a long hard road of experience, that if you smother or try to "prove" them you will push them away. She tells me all the time I am a beautiful man, she loves me, etc....It's really just a way for her to heal and move on to the next man. I could have become Superman himself and she would have only seen a weak, groveling man holding on by his fingernails..pathetic...
Author Soul Bear Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Great posts. I am going through what everyone else here is. We were together for three years, I asked her to leave and than wanted her back due to my guilt and she had me believing I was a monster. She had been stringing me along for over a year before I implemented NC. I blocked her e-mail, Cell Phone, everything. I couldn't do it anymore, I had changed, gone to counseling and improved everything I could for her. I did it exactly the wrong way and for the wrong reasons and pushed her far away from me. She used me as an emotional crutch until she found someone else. She would call or text everyday. Some nice some mean and jealous. The story is much more complicated than I can ever relay here, but she held my weaknesses over my head til I had had enough. NC has only been a couple days, she e-mailed me to get her stuff, and all I said was "If I find anything of yours I'll give it to your friend Lynne." My point is this. I did it all wrong, still for her. That's how I had become in the relationship, my role, and she knew anytime she wanted me she could have me. When I finally stepped back and looked at the "man" I'd become I was ashamed and knew I had lost myself in the relationship. After I saw this, I realized I why i didn't want her in the first place. She was behaving very badly and I caught her in multiple lies. I deserve much much better. I still miss her and yes, I've wanted to text her because I just blocked her without telling her why. Than I remembered...She doesn't care. NC should to be used to "get someone out of your system" not to get them back, I know from a long hard road of experience, that if you smother or try to "prove" them you will push them away. She tells me all the time I am a beautiful man, she loves me, etc....It's really just a way for her to heal and move on to the next man. I could have become Superman himself and she would have only seen a weak, groveling man holding on by his fingernails..pathetic... I know your story I have been cruising through these posts for a few weeks now since i joined, and remember reading yours. At the time i was in no place to give any constructive advice tho. I was looking for false hope! CONGRATULATIONS to you my friend for meeting yourself and confronting your fears
jcs8528 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Thanks SoulBear, and I have been following your story as well. It's weird. when I first started reading this site I said, God how I wish I would have found this a year ago. I would have used NC to get her back and I know it would have worked. Just last week she text me at 2am that I was a responsible for her misery but she won't give me another chance? I always fed into her texts, etc. I wanted her back so I would have implemented full NC with her. There were some nights in the past year she called my phone at 2am and I was sleeping so I didn't answer. She came barging into my house thinking I was with someone, all drunk, etc. I would calm her down and she would tell me how much she loved me, and she would leave, yes leave. I wanted her back but she only came so far back and each time she was farther away. I finally implemented NC last week because I got my pride back and got sick of feeling down and like a twit. I don't want to hear from her. I can truly do better and already seeing the new "me" pay off. I look better at 40 than I did at 30. I just got a huge promotion at work and I am loving life. Believe me I still have thoughts about her and want to e-mail her, but they aren't e-mails saying I want you back but more, "you hurt me and I forgive you." I think NC can be a very powerful weapon, and with any weapons there are risks and people get hurt. Use NC as a tool, tools can help build and heal.
redy2 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 i broke no contact today and sent her a text.like hey whats up i miss texting you. then we started txting back and forth and gonna call when i get off work. she is wanting to get together and have a date. so who knows
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 how long has it been NC for- & I mean total NC Between the both of you? I really hope it works out for YOU, good luck and well done!
rainbowbrite Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 i completely agree. nc is a game, a way to make you not confront your fear of rejection
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 It works both ways round tho, dumper and dumpee. It would be great if we could get some stories up here about that from BOTH sides (do'er and done to) How did you use your NC? WHY? (what were your reasons and expectations) How Long? Outcome? My NC is Now LC...very Limited, and im getting no better 'friend' (as she calls us) treatment than anyone she just met for 10 minutes....after 4.5 years thats pretty fecking weird. Im thinking about total NC but she has a letter and a parcel here waiting to be collected when she gets back home from overseas.. In the meantime It makes me really pis*sed when she does get in touch first time was her, the second time was me, it seems like she doesnt care a bit that she smashed my heart into a billion tiny fragments. And I have ended up the last few times chatting online saying and doing things that are pushy, it seems i take 2 steps fwd and 1 step back. When she gets her things, im gonna go total NC, i cant be her friend! I still love her, I would only want to hold her and tell her how much i missed her- this i WILL tell her when i hand her things back. Ill tell the truth basicly, cut my ties, learn from the sittuation and try to fall out of love. If she gets in touch great, but if not, its her loss. Im done playing games, and stupid games they are So NC it will be after that unless I get that magickal tx saying 'I want to try again' PLEASE GUYS do yourselfs a favour and DO NOT talk online chat. Face to Face is the only way, or over the phone. Emails are just to dodgy. You end up reading way to much into them, and you cant judge their feelings or expresions/body language etc.... I dont even know this person anymore...my ex fiance of 4.5 years...its pretty weird...1 month now since the split
oldsoul Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Good Job you have done some excellent soul searching and come to terms with yourself and your SO. I would like to suggest that you did have some closure. You say you didnt do it for closure but with all the hurdles and emotions you were going thru. You faced them head on and have come to a conclusion that makes you feel at ease with yourself. Yet you decided to break your own NC to share those feelings . I dont know what convo the two of you had ( that is private ) but the fact you decided to share with the person who hurt you . IMHO this give you closure that maybe we all need to progress and move on. Why were you not just comfortable in knowing this yourself ? Cause It feels better to let it go and to start the healing of ourselves ? It sounds to me that you are now comfortable and have done some deep soul searching. Good Job My Firend
peteyj Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I think many people who live by the NC rule are just pretending nothing is wrong and that this other person never existed. NC only works if you have no desire to ever see or speak to this person and you've faced and dealt with all the issues. If NC is just about pretending like nothing is or was ever wrong, you're not dealing with anything and you sure aren't helping face reality.
Dmoney28 Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 First off, just want to say great post. My experience with NC is that its full proof. I was like everyone else. At first i needed that contact to make me feel better, i was afraid to be without her and loosing her forever. I thought LC at least kept me in her mind. But nothing could be further from the truth. PLEASE take my advice from someone who made the mistake of doing LC for 6 months, it so counter productive to healing and learning to enjoy your singleness and re-discovering yourself. once you reach the end of the tunnel its like a load off your shoulders. I like many thought "NC, okay, i'll use it to make her miss me". And like many others i kept breaking it in indirect ways. But once i started to heal, i found me again. I learned to live without her. I found new friends and reconnect with old ones. I started to think about her less over the months...yes i said months. During this time i convinced my self she moved on and wasnt thinking about me...so why should i hold on to a ghost. Well, this helped. I still miss her , but i think about her less. Funny thing is i got a e-mail from her last week. Something about her dreaming i was murdered and wanted to see if im okay. ( this after a conversation in which she said she wanted no contact forever. So your ex will miss you and think about you...but take it for what it is. NC always works out in the end..always. But enough time has to pass for you to heal for it to be effective in the end.
scootncash Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Soul Bear, remarkable post. I just finished something similar in my post Losing Him Wasnt A Total Loss. If more people could reach the point where they look to themselves for their mistakes and really change the parts that needed to be changed then healing would come along much easier. Not to mention that we become able to move to a higher level of love, compassion, giving, fidelity, and life. Its enlighting to see how many people here are working on themselves. I think that for the most part people dont use NC for the right reasons. For me its about respect, not only to the ex but more importantly for me. If you cant respect yourself and cut all the games about NC then how are you ever going to love healthy? I see a lot of questions here about NC. People either for the most part hope its going to bring someone back or use it as "ligit" reason to continue to act and react in an obviously unhealthy relationship. I think when a person stops being needy, and dependent on someone else, then they can start depending on their inner self to provide everything they need. People need to take the NC time to go work on themselves. Here's the thing, quit worrying about if they will contact you, should you contact them, are they thinking about you, do they want you back. Stop putting them before you and start putting YOU first! Its amazing the revelation and the gratification and clarity that comes with healing yourself! As far as my contact. When we split after 7 years he bounced back and forth between me and the one he left me for. That was the most horrific year of my life. I was so clingy and needy and just jumped at the chance to show my love. All of the classic mistakes. But then I went into therapy and I got the chance to see everything I brought into a relationship. It amazed me at what unhealthy realationship material I was. Now after 3 years he still continues to keep contact with me. He initiates all of it. He still has her. And I feel sorry for them both. But Im at a more whole completed me and Im able to handle the contact and occassional appearances he makes with grace and strength. I keep it strictly plutonic. I do know that I will always have emotions and feelings about him and I do care about him. I forgave him a long time ago. Its actually a gift to be a better friend that i ever was before the breakup. He still hasnt delt with his own fears and relationship responsibilities. But that was always his problem and then I allowed it to be mine. Now his problems are his own again and he's in a relationship that he admits should have never happened. But for him its easier to deal with than to try to leave. He's tried several times but unfortunately for him he lent himself to the idea that she had in her mind about a trip down the isle. That in itself is proof he isnt good realtionship material and hasnt delt with the baggage he carries around. It always intrigues me when people move from relationship to relationship carrying that same baggage, getting the same dysfunction, and the same outcome but expecting a better outcome each time. I did it myself. Whether or not we get the closure we so desperately need at a bad breakup is irrelevant. Of course its hard if we dont get closure but when they left us it wasnt about us, it was about them. Sometimes you just have to except that you wont get the closure your looking from, from the ex, and then and only then do you realize that closure comes from within you. The sooner we search our own souls and realize that only we can make ourselves happy, then and only then, will we be able to sustain and enjoy the relationships and love that we all truly desire. Scootncash
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 HER EMAIL--- Thought I'd clarify things myself. I'm not playing any games here, you have got the wrong end of the stick. Its over between us, in my mind there is no hope of a reconciliation. I do want to be friends with you, but clearly that can't happen until you accept this and really move on. I think we should sever contact completely for a while. You need to move on, and I still need space from you. I wish you well. My email reply back to her- I know its over, I was hoping to start again, a better and more balanced relationship and work fwd together slowly and win together as we always have. I know where i went wrong and I am changing. Well i cant be 'friends' with someone who I am in love with and have deep routed feelings for. Im amazed that you can feel such emptieness an hatred for me after everything we have been through. I guess that sums up about you at the moment. I dont need you, this I have learned. However I do want you in my life....well.... i did. That when i knew it was love, that felling of not needing you to complete me, yet still wanting you. And as far as 'friends' go, I feel like you have shown me very little dignity, honour and respect during this break up. You speak to me like Im an enemy, or some distant aquaintance. Not like someone at all who you have shared thw last 4.5 years with. You say in your mind there is no hope, Its a shame you didnt think with your heart instead. I have tried very hard to see where things went wrong, and I have tried very hard to try and let you know that i know. I am really changing these problem areas to fix not only myself, but to make us happier together- like my temper and my attitude. If you are really willing to throw all this away, then thats fine. I will sever all contact with you, and who knows, maybe one day i will have fallen out of love enough to be 'just friends' with you and not give a **** about anything else. I wouldnt count on it tho, you broke my heart into a billion peices, and the more i contact you the more you trample them into the ground. Its very sad indeed. I know we shared alot of beautiful moments together, even up at the river, but im guessing you practiced hating me up there recently instead of remembering all the amazing moments you and I have shared. I was very sad when i heard about that. Do you even remember any of them? Doesnt seem like it to me. Its very strange, and very hard to lose your best frind, your lover, and your everything else in the space of a month. Well, i cant say i havent tried anyway to reconcile with you. I have changed, but so have your feelings about me. You dont love or care for me anymore. Unless you are contacting me to say you want to give things a new shot, and you believe that I truly have learned my lessons this time, please dont ever contact me again. I cant do it. I hope you will understand that it just hurts to much. At this point my heart is still open to you, and my door is open too if you wanted to return here and make this home your own with me. Im not going to sit about like a door mat waiting for you tho, Im going to move on. I suggest you think long and hard about what it is that you really liked about me and all the good times together, cos at some point, this personal high your on is going to come crashing down, and im no longer gonna be there, nor want to be there to help. Sometimes you dont know what you have till its gone, and im telling you, the grass isnt greener. Well, i have almost gone now. ...and before you know it its gonna be to late. Ill bet my soul on it. What do you think I feel kinda good in a way. Proper closure i guess
Miguelrg Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 Now all you need to do is completely move on brother, closure is here, the time is now! forget everything, she has! Stay strong
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 I dont think she has, I know reading that will be like a square kick in the nuts tho Its NC for me from here on out.
Author Soul Bear Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 Any insight on her reply to my email above anyone, please? wow... for pete's sake I do not feel any hatred towards you at all. I do remember the good times, your good qualities, I just felt I had to be a bit blunt in order to get my message through. This whole time I have been nothing but honest with you, and I have tried to be sensitive, but most of all I have been trying to make you understand where I'm at. What happened to all that understanding? I'm not going to explain myself anymore. I really do wish you well. I understand that this is hard. If you ever decide you would like to be friends, do not hesitate to get in touch. ''I understand that this is hard. If you ever decide you would like to be friends, do not hesitate to get in touch.''- thats crap putting the ball in my court!
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