Complicated Love Affair - woman Older, about to get divorced, etc etc

[confusedm]

Hi, I have been going through a number of posts and well since all the issues related to a guy marrying an older women are unique, thought I might be able to get some views on my issue.

 

I met this girl online hmm 5 or so years ago. Started of with flirtations etc led to long hours talking on the phone (we were living in two different countries so could not meet). Summary being that even without seeing each other we just knew that we were made for each other. We have had terrible fights in between coz for a long time i could not tolerate her past and vice versa but in the end we just came running back to each other, atleast emotionally since physically was difficult due to the distance.

 

Then out of impulsive and after she asked me about marriage and i said i needed time, she married a guy from some third country and moved there.

 

We never lost contact during her marriage even though we did try to, but i guess both were really never sincere in running away from each other.

 

Then I met her for the first time after she had been married for over a year. Then we met a few more times and it was physical and it was as if we had known each other for ages and that we were perfect for one another. Apparently her husband doesn't know she cheated on him.

 

To cut the long story short, after 2 or 3 years of marriage with this guy, she has been hurt by him due to his habits and immaturities and infedility. Any advice I have given has been to tell her to rough it out and stay with him and hope things might change. But lately I felt it was too much for her so I asked her to divorce the guy and marry me. But now for some reason I am feeling insecure that she will come to me but she will never be able to move on from her past, I mean marriage and divorce are big things and with my short temper (the only person who can control my rage), I am just afraid that I might do something stupid if I find out she is checking up on her ex husband.

 

We both want to have kids and I hope we can have atleast 2 or 3 healthy kiddos! Society issues and criticisms will dog us for ever because neither do we have the same faith not the same ethnic background but we are least concerned about it. We will have our freedom in those areas, even though I will continue to try to convince her lovingly to join my faith.

 

Secondly, the 4 year age difference aint that much, thirdly, different religions and ethnic backgrounds can be problematic in the long run, fourthly matter of trust that she will just dump her past life and move on, she understands this and knows that this is one of the few things in which i cannot compromise.

 

PS- I have never been married but I have had quick relations (mostly sexual) but nothing comes even close to what I feel for this girl. She knows about all my past stupidies, I mean I am an open book for her and she is the same for me.

Open views / advice / suggestion / experiences shall be greatly appreciated!

[TaraMaiden]

There is so much wrong with this, it is difficult to know where to begin.

 

If you had such a wonderful relationship to begin with, why would she marrry another man?

 

She is hurt by her husband's immaturities but she was unfaithful to him first, with you.... what makes you feel so secure that when she tires of your 'immaturities' she will not cheat on you?

 

With your anger issues, and your intolerance, you really think this is advisable?

 

Different faiths and different ethnic backgrounds will play a major part in further compounding your problems... what faiths are you, by the way?

How can you assume that you should encourage her to 'join your faith'... if she tried to 'gently encourage' you, would you join hers? I don't think so. You have no right to expect this of anyone, let alone the woman you are considering marrying. This would have to be her choice and decision alone, not an encouragement or condition from you....

 

I'm sure she will be more than able to dump her past, the moment you can.

 

Again, this is not a condition you can impose. She has a past. and you should get used to it. We all have a past, so you cannot erase that.... this is more your problem than hers.... you are the one who needs to dump it, not her.

 

With so much emotional instability on your part and hers, you really think having children is a wise option? This would be the last thing on my mind!

 

I think you need to forget this.

has she actually left her husband and filed for divorce, in order to be with you?

 

I think this is not a match made in heaven... this is a minefield, a disaster of epic proportions, waiting to happen.

Let it go, and forget this whole idea.

[confusedm]

Tara Maiden, thanks for taking time out to try and actually understand the complicated fix I am in. I mean we are not in some teenage years, we both are relatively well settled, are not very comfortable but are decently set. After we met, the thing which makes both of us became emotionally unstable just like as if we are kids is when we start missing each other, and while doing that we just hurt each other like crazy (discuss the past and blame each other that why we aint together) but then in the end we just love each other like crazy; realizing again and again how important each one of us is for the other.

 

As for her getting married, it was partly my fault and partly her stubborness and some due to miscommunication. I had other issues lingering on my mind like my studies and job, she became unsecure that I was fooling around with other women and might do the same with her. one thing led to the other and wham she got into an impulsive marriage. Plus she didnt actually cheat on me, her husband was just not able to make her forget about me, he could have if he had given her just a bit attention so the time I spent with her was basically my time, what we were robbed off when she took that stupid hasty decision to get married (which she regrets but now has started to feel sorry for the guy). Thats why she is on pills throughout her marriage because she doesn't want to have his kids. Even now I asked her if she wants to leave him and she is sure that she wants to and instead puts the blame on me that i better not be chicken if i try and tell her that maybe we should part ways!

 

I hope this can give a better perspective, keeping in view my earlier post.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh yes, many thsnks, a much better perspective.

 

run from this away, as fast as you can.

This sounds unstable, unsafe, completely crazy and totally mindless.

 

You both have extremely deep complicated issues,and she should not be married to him, not because their marriage was a joint mistake, but because she is in no fit state to be married.

And you - you! What is it your business to please tell another woman what she should or should not be doing in her marriage to another man?

She is being unfaithful to him by continuing this emotional affair with you. This is adultery, and you are making her cheat, even if not physically involved with her!

 

This is just too ridiculous for words.

You need to stop this madness, and see a psychologist because you are very mixed up and in emotional trouble.

 

This is simply an insane state of affairs.

Crazy, really really crazy.....

 

_/l\_

[Juristhea]

Oh yes, many thsnks, a much better perspective.

 

run from this away, as fast as you can.

This sounds unstable, unsafe, completely crazy and totally mindless.

 

You both have extremely deep complicated issues,and she should not be married to him, not because their marriage was a joint mistake, but because she is in no fit state to be married.

And you - you! What is it your business to please tell another woman what she should or should not be doing in her marriage to another man?

She is being unfaithful to him by continuing this emotional affair with you. This is adultery, and you are making her cheat, even if not physically involved with her!

 

This is just too ridiculous for words.

You need to stop this madness, and see a psychologist because you are very mixed up and in emotional trouble.

 

This is simply an insane state of affairs.

Crazy, really really crazy.....

 

_/l\_

The mistake of marriage falls upon the two people involved, not other people.

 

TM is right, if you're afraid that she will cheat on you if she's already with you, then dont pursue her anymore. It's already a clear sign that trust will be an issue in a could-be relationship.

 

Also, it's very unwise to persuade people into breaking up with their partners just so they can be with the other. It's like a blow to the gut.

[Heroic]

If you are of different faiths...do not marry. If you view the world in different ways at the core of your life philosophies you are incompatable in any long term scenario.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then we met a few more times and it was physical and it was as if we had known each other for ages and that we were perfect for one another. Apparently her husband doesn't know she cheated on him.

But now for some reason I am feeling insecure that she will come to me but she will never be able to move on from her past, I mean marriage and divorce are big things and with my short temper (the only person who can control my rage), I am just afraid that I might do something stupid if I find out she is checking up on her ex husband.

So she cheated on her husband so you could be together, and now you're worried that she won't be faithful to you? I'd have the same concerns and then some.

 

Why put yourself in this position in the first place?

 

Mr. Lucky