Ok, I fess up.

[dreamergrl]

Me personally, I think if Kamille has an understanding of what she's doing and what to expect, I don't see the harm. There's always going to be good points and bad points to any situation. It's just about what you need to do for yourself at that given time.

[xpaperxcutx]

Kamille, when I read that you were the rebound it almost made me cry. I just think you deserve so much better, and I don't see how this guy would want to put you aside like that.

 

But I also know you're one of the LSer's who has their head on straight when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart.

 

I'm just glad you're doing okay after all this.

[Kamille]

A few precisions that might help clear a few things up. He never actually said I was the rebound. In fact, he's said that he's smitten by me.

 

But - he's also got a lot of healing to do, and this he doesn't hide - nor should he have to.

 

That's why I feel it's best I do keep my head on straight about the situation and recognize that I am the rebound.

 

And that's the thing: I'm the rebound and I don't care. I think he's a great guy and I enjoy getting to know him.

[marlena]

I say go for it. Just keep in mind that there is an expiration date and enjoy it while it lasts. If you feel that you can't to do it and that you are getting yourself into deep waters, then, stop it dead in its tracks before you are way in over your head. You know yourself and him better than anyone.

[Isolde]

Moving can also be good in that if something doesn't survive moving, it's an indication that it wouldn't have survived in the long term most likely, anyway, so I guess in that sense, K, you don't have all that much to lose.

 

Oh, and one more thing. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about this, in a way that's non-panicky and won't scare him? As in, "I'm not really sure what this is, or where it's going, and that's okay... but I could see this developing further since I like you a lot and think you're an amazing guy."

[Kamille]

Moving can also be good in that if something doesn't survive moving, it's an indication that it wouldn't have survived in the long term most likely, anyway, so I guess in that sense, K, you don't have all that much to lose.

 

I would be moving to another continent for two years, so I really don't think, from past experience, that distance is an option.

 

Oh, and one more thing. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about this, in a way that's non-panicky and won't scare him? As in, "I'm not really sure what this is, or where it's going, and that's okay... but I could see this developing further since I like you a lot and think you're an amazing guy."

 

Yes, I do feel like I could do that. The beautiful thing about this is that I feel like I can be honest because I have nothing to lose. I know one should always be honest no matter what, but this situation is teaching me how to do that.

We have spoken about our feelings and how confusing the situation may be. I'm not sure I see it developing further just yet, but he knows I think he's an amazing guy. I also know he thinks I'm an amazing girl;).

[Star Gazer]

I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying the company of a man, knowing there's an expiration date on it. If anything, you almost should enter any new situation with that mindset given your plans to move away (and hopefully to Europe! ). You don't need another man holding you back professionally/intellectually.

 

Have fun, enjoy yourself. There's plenty of time to set serious.

[Kamille]

I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying the company of a man, knowing there's an expiration date on it. If anything, you almost should enter any new situation with that mindset given your plans to move away (and hopefully to Europe! ). You don't need another man holding you back professionally/intellectually.

 

Have fun, enjoy yourself. There's plenty of time to set serious.

 

thanks SG, that means a lot! And it's pretty much how I had been feeling about it.

 

The mindset is great: it makes every thing so easy and enjoyable. that's why I feel I'm learning a lot from this Short term relationship.

[D-Lish]

How long have you guys been seeing each other?

 

I entered into a relationship with someone when I knew there was an expiration date because his visa was going to expire. I thought I could deal with it initially, but I ended up getting hurt.

 

Remember guitar guy? Remember the mantra?

"I am the prize".

 

As long as you are the prize, and you know that- it's all good.

 

Hey, your pattern is a lot like mine- it always has been. Choose the unavailable, because they can't pull a fast one on you when you already know the outcome.

 

A lot can happen in a year.

[Kamille]

How long have you guys been seeing each other?

 

I entered into a relationship with someone when I knew there was an expiration date because his visa was going to expire. I thought I could deal with it initially, but I ended up getting hurt.

 

Remember guitar guy? Remember the mantra?

"I am the prize".

 

As long as you are the prize, and you know that- it's all good.

 

Hey, your pattern is a lot like mine- it always has been. Choose the unavailable, because they can't pull a fast one on you when you already know the outcome.

 

A lot can happen in a year.

 

We've been seeing each other a little over a month. I know there's a good chance this STR won't feel this good forever, but for now it makes sense. It wouldn't make sense to end things, nor would it make sense to try and force something out of it.

 

So while the going is good, I am going to enjoy it.

 

If it gets too complicated, I will bow out.

 

If I fall in love, I will talk to him about it.

 

I'm really hoping I'm learning something here - but yeah, why do we always pick the unavailable ones?

[Lyssa]

Enjoy it while it lasts. Then go to Europe and have a blast!

 

Seriously, you know nothing is going to happen because you are moving to another country so just enjoy his company. That said, I agree with everything else SG said.

[Kamille]

Enjoy it while it lasts. Then go to Europe and have a blast!

 

 

Love it! That rhymed!

[Star Gazer]

FWIW, K... probably the ONLY year of my dating life (other than 2009 ) where I didn't get hurt was my 3rd (final year) of law school. I believe that was largely due to the fact that I knew that I would be moving away, regardless of what happened in my love life. I was able to have fun, and really, truly, put ME first. It was really liberating.

[Trialbyfire]

For the record, I don't have a problem with relationships with a known expiry date. As long as the two individuals keep the expiry date in perspective and can part ways in a respectful manner, without getting butt-hurt over it, it can be a good time.

 

I'm just concerned that Kamille is following her normal cycle, the cycle that doesn't make her happy. If this time, she's able to not get hurt, that's fine.

 

Also, are both parties honestly being upfront about the expiry date or are they playing games with each other? Games = misunderstandings = butt-hurtia.

[Kamille]

For the record, I don't have a problem with relationships with a known expiry date. As long as the two individuals keep the expiry date in perspective and can part ways in a respectful manner, without getting butt-hurt over it, it can be a good time.

 

I'm just concerned that Kamille is following her normal cycle, the cycle that doesn't make her happy. If this time, she's able to not get hurt, that's fine.

 

Also, are both parties honestly being upfront about the expiry date or are they playing games with each other? Games = misunderstandings = butt-hurtia.

 

I understand and even appreciate your concern Trial. I have to say that I feel different in ths relationship: I'm not doing the usual push-pull thing that I did in ALL of my past relationship since high school.

 

I'm there, I'm me, I communicate how I feel about him. That's new to me. I even have to challenge myself on some things. I used to be somewhat of a game player, making sure not to be home when the object of my affection was going to call. Not this time. I just go about my life.

 

That being said, I wonder if you could help me. If you were me, how would you go about changing the pattern that I'm in?

[Trialbyfire]

I understand and even appreciate your concern Trial. I have to say that I feel different in ths relationship: I'm not doing the usual push-pull thing that I did in ALL of my past relationship since high school.

Plse explain the push/pull thing.

 

I'm there, I'm me, I communicate how I feel about him. That's new to me. I even have to challenge myself on some things.

That's good that you're able to communicate your feelings. This should include both positive and negative emotions within reason.

I used to be somewhat of a game player, making sure not to be home when the object of my affection was going to call. Not this time. I just go about my life.

These aren't the type of games I'm talking about. Pretending acceptance of emotional unavailability, when it's only a ploy to "hold" someone, denying stronger feelings, etc., are the games I'm talking about. I expect that you would have already exceeded the high school games.

That being said, I wonder if you could help me. If you were me, how would you go about changing the pattern that I'm in?

As soon as red flags show up, I would walk from anything that wasn't a healthy relationship. Come to think about it, has he asked for exclusivity yet?

[Kamille]

Plse explain the push/pull thing.

 

When I start falling for someone, I usually pull away, suddenly need my space, act in various ways to make them "chase" me. I guess I hadn't done that with this guy because I hadn't really started falling yet...

 

That's good that you're able to communicate your feelings. This should include both positive and negative emotions within reason.

 

That's the thing that was different here. I really felt like I could. Yes, notice the past tense. We spoke in lenghts yesterday and I feel like I need to end it. If I continue on from here, I would be falling into my usual pattern.

 

The ex isn't out of the picture. They have kids together. She wants him to give it another try. He feels conflicted. I am OUT.

 

 

 

These aren't the type of games I'm talking about. Pretending acceptance of emotional unavailability, when it's only a ploy to "hold" someone, denying stronger feelings, etc., are the games I'm talking about. I expect that you would have already exceeded the high school games.

As soon as red flags show up, I would walk from anything that wasn't a healthy relationship. Come to think about it, has he asked for exclusivity yet?

 

Not that it applies any longer - but I wasn't sure I wanted exclusivity just yet, because of the fact I think I was reading his internal struggle. It wouldn't have been fair to me.

 

I'm ok. I know ending it is the right thing to do. I'll be telling him tomorow.

[Kamille]

now only have to decide whether to end things by email or in person. sigh.

[jerbear]

now only have to decide whether to end things by email or in person. sigh.

 

In person.

[Kamille]

In person.

 

Yeah. You're right. In person would be better, fair and more final. Also, harder.

 

I just wrote him an email which helped me clarify my thoughts.

 

The good news is, no damage is done. We didn't take things really far - but yeah, I now realize I was starting to fall for him.

 

Am kind of sad today. This feels right but it also feels so unfair.

 

Where's TBF? I need her to give me a swift kick in the butt and a caring hug.

[loveslife]

Kamille, I really feel for you. I just read the entire thread and was both sad and a little relieved to hear you're ending it. Not because the guy is a bad guy, but because you seem to be a little like me.

 

I am coming to see that I don't feel comfortable in a relationship unless the guy is somehow unavailable. For me, I've traced this back to the very first emotionally unavailable man (EUM) dear old dad. He has always been, come closer, go away, come closer, go away...and guess what types of relationships I've been involved with my whole life?

 

When I first discovered this dynamic I was so excited to recognize the pattern as the men being emotionally unavailable. But as I learned more I came to understand that I could not be in a relationship with an EUM unless I was emotionally unavailable myself.

 

How could that be? I SO want the emotional connection. Right? But I am coming to see that I am fearful of a true connection in spite of how much I want it. At least that's what my actions reveal.

 

Ugh. I know how much pain you're in right now. I hope you can learn from this. I keep trying to learn myself.

 

All the best!!

[Kamille]

Thanks Loveslife (I love life too! Making sure one is emotionally unavailable often means taking on a lot of different kinds of adventures doesn't it?)

 

The one thing I don't understand is that neither of my parents were absent while I grew up. My sister was somewhat very harsh on me, and would isolate me from all my friends (convincing me no one liked me)... One thing is for sure, I grew up believing no one would ever ever ever fall in love with me. This thought, combined with the anxiety it created, made me *realize/decide*, at the age of 16, that I would likely never find love and so I might as well cut my losses and accept it.

 

Lately that thought is starting to change, as I realize I do have a lot of love to offer, and do deserve to be loved.

 

Yesterday, it really dawned on me that yes, I was repeating the exact same pattern with this guy. And no, he isn't a bad guy, he's just a man in a very complicated situation. I think we both realize that HERE is where it gets complicated.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah. You're right. In person would be better, fair and more final. Also, harder.

 

I just wrote him an email which helped me clarify my thoughts.

 

The good news is, no damage is done. We didn't take things really far - but yeah, I now realize I was starting to fall for him.

 

Am kind of sad today. This feels right but it also feels so unfair.

 

Where's TBF? I need her to give me a swift kick in the butt and a caring hug.

No kick in the butt, just a caring hug. ((hugs))

[loveslife]

Kamille, I grew up with the very same thought that no man would ever fall in love with me and I might as well accept it. I always cast myself as the "best friend" and sidekick to the leading ladies who had the romances.

 

The thing is, I look back and see how many guys did fall for me. A lot. And I either sabotaged the relationships or rejected them straight out.

 

I was literally told that no boy would want me unless I conformed to my adult role models' idea of how I should wear my hair, dress, etc. etc. I got a few pounds overweight at one point and was told me no boy would want me unless I was skinny. On and on it went. And it was ALL superficial stuff.

 

I thought I had gotten past all of this but have found myself doing it again - getting attached to someone who is EU.

 

I am so proud of you for being able to walk away. It's a great step in the right direction!!

 

What I'm coming to see is it's not so much wrestling with the past, because we can't change that, but learning to change our actions in the present. This is what I am working on now. Changing my responses and actions. It sounds like you are, too.

[Kamille]

No kick in the butt, just a caring hug. ((hugs))

 

Thanks. I feel better. I actually think I was hearing your voice as we were having the break up talk. "I deserve love" popped into my head, a love that is simple. I don't want complications.

 

So, all in all, the break up went well. He was obviously disapointed that I wasn't going to stick around, and that was hard to handle. We spoke a bit about his situation, and it helped me a lot.

 

I really feel like I did the right thing. And yes, right now I am proud of myself for putting my well-being first.

 

Kamille, I grew up with the very same thought that no man would ever fall in love with me and I might as well accept it. I always cast myself as the "best friend" and sidekick to the leading ladies who had the romances.

 

The thing is, I look back and see how many guys did fall for me. A lot. And I either sabotaged the relationships or rejected them straight out.

 

Same here! In recent years, I had a series of guys tell me they thought I was a hottie in my undergrad, but that I was so unapproachable. Meanwhile, I would actively run away from guys, thinking they probably want to waste their time talking to a loser like me. So, at least, we can be proud that our attitudes are changing right?

 

I was literally told that no boy would want me unless I conformed to my adult role models' idea of how I should wear my hair, dress, etc. etc. I got a few pounds overweight at one point and was told me no boy would want me unless I was skinny. On and on it went. And it was ALL superficial stuff.

 

That's rough Loveslife. I was overweight in my early teens - but my parents were very keen on telling me how beautiful I was no matter my size. The kids - and my sister - were cruel though. That surely must have contributed to my self-esteem issues.

 

I thought I had gotten past all of this but have found myself doing it again - getting attached to someone who is EU.

 

Do you have a thread about this?

 

 

What I'm coming to see is it's not so much wrestling with the past, because we can't change that, but learning to change our actions in the present. This is what I am working on now. Changing my responses and actions. It sounds like you are, too.

 

Yes, cheers to us! I think it's important to focus on what we are doing right. We are learning, we are changing. I'm learning to trust my own decision-making process. Which means, I'm learning to make the right decisions, instead of blindly following my impulses.