Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I am the rebound and I don't care. I know I'm likely to get some flak about this. That charming guy I've been seeing? We both agree that neither of us is available for *love* right now, as he's pulling himself together after a LTR and as I will be leaving in the next few months. Usually, these kinds of situation would send me running for the hills, afraid to get hurt. Not here. It's all right with me. I enjoy spending time with him, and I feel like I am learning a lot about being independant and not relying on the man in my life to be my only source of happiness. It's not going to be forever, but I still believe this can be something beautiful.
You'reasian Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 How do you know this guy is pulling himself together? Nothing wrong with just dating and testing the waters. Never know if you'll miss a great opportunity
Isolde Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Wow. I don't know if I could ever be strong enough for this...
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 How do you know this guy is pulling himself together? Nothing wrong with just dating and testing the waters. Never know if you'll miss a great opportunity Well, I don't know if he is pulling himself together . I do believe him when he says it is over and that he is just now starting to figure out where to go from here. And as far as I'm concerned, that's for him to oversee. We don't talk about his ex. We hang out, laugh, have fun. His life before me is up to him to deal with and figure out. Not that I don't care about his well-being, just that it's not in my power to heal him. I'm curious though: What do you mean never know if I'll miss a great opportunity?
Isolde Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 On the one hand, it's pretty neat that you feel so relaxed about this. On the other hand, is there a tiny part of you that can see him being someone you'd want to end up with? If so, these could be dangerous waters. Let me put it this way. If he suddenly said he wanted to take the relationship a step up, even though you are leaving soon, what would go on in your mind? Seriously? STR's are fine but usually they work better when EITHER: 1) There's sexual chemistry but no deep connection; OR 2) There's a shadow of a chance things will last beyond the designated expiry date.
Ariadne Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Yeah, I was strong enough to be the OW, hey, you only live once. Good luck Kamille, if it's true love and meant to happen it doesn't matter how it starts.
jerbear Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I will be leaving in the next few months. Where you going? To bad on the rebound stuff. Maybe the future may be brighter.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Isolde, those are tough questions! The reason I feel relaxed about it is because I trust him. I trust he means well. I know he is being honest with me and I know I can be honest with him. Yes, sometimes I wonder how it will all end, sometimes I worry, but overall, I just feel like there's no telling what tomorow can bring. We're just getting to know each other. There's one thing though: I know he's not ready. And yes, it surprises even me that I can accept that so peacefully. I just think we have a lot to give to each other. So it's not really a FWB. Whatever it is, it just is and I'm really enjoying it. If it gets complicated, I know I can just tell him and he will understand. We mean each other well.
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Kamille, you're doing it again. An EU guy can't overwhelm you, so this is what you've selected. No wonder you're feeling uncertain about your relationship, since he's not all in. You're a great person. So why is it that you're willing to either take crumbs, or be over-run whereby it becomes a fight for control? It doesn't have to be one extreme or another. Balance.
Land Shark Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 When this ends and you need someone to rebound with, call me up.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Kamille, you're doing it again. An EU guy can't overwhelm you, so this is what you've selected. No wonder you're feeling uncertain about your relationship, since he's not all in. You're a great person. So why is it that you're willing to either take crumbs, or be over-run whereby it becomes a fight for control? It doesn't have to be one extreme or another. Balance. I know it still fits my pattern. Yet, I can't explain it, but it makes sense right now. I feel like this guy is helping me deprogram myself. I no longer feel uncertain about this, now that the cards are on the table. Why am I willing to take crumbs? Because my life is unstable. It's been like this for the last ten years. Next year I will be finally settling down somewhere. I feel like, until then, I just have to go with the flow and enjoy my life. Because, no matter who I meet now, there's still the pending issue of the fact that I'm leaving.
Isolde Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Life is always unstable to some extent. You can't just delay finding someone you're serious about forever. Just sayin'. You deserve better than this However... if it feels this amazingly right, and you're not getting any red flags (aside from being generally EU), just keep enjoying it, since you seem bound and determined to.
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I know it still fits my pattern. Yet, I can't explain it, but it makes sense right now. I feel like this guy is helping me deprogram myself. I no longer feel uncertain about this, now that the cards are on the table. Why am I willing to take crumbs? Because my life is unstable. It's been like this for the last ten years. Next year I will be finally settling down somewhere. I feel like, until then, I just have to go with the flow and enjoy my life. I still get the feeling of "I'm unworthy". This is a perspective you need to change to "Here I am, so step up to the plate or don't bother".
alphamale Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 It's not going to be forever, but I still believe this can be something beautiful. "forever" is way over-rated
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks Isolde. If my heart breaks, you guys will be there to pick me up, right? I know life is always unstable - or rather, unpredictable. But this is part of the reason why this feels right. I tried. I tried wrenching myself away from this situation, telling myself I deserved better, but that all felt wrong. It felt like I was lying to myself - like I would be passing something worthwhile up, just because I was afraid to get hurt. Like I would be living for the future instead of enjoying what the present has to offer.
You'reasian Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Isolde, those are tough questions! The reason I feel relaxed about it is because I trust him. I trust he means well. I know he is being honest with me and I know I can be honest with him.. The two of you trust each other. Sounds good. Yes, sometimes I wonder how it will all end, sometimes I worry, but overall, I just feel like there's no telling what tomorow can bring. We're just getting to know each other. There's one thing though: I know he's not ready. And yes, it surprises even me that I can accept that so peacefully. I just think we have a lot to give to each other. So it's not really a FWB. Whatever it is, it just is and I'm really enjoying it. If it gets complicated, I know I can just tell him and he will understand. We mean each other well. Communication is king. Good that you're keeping your eyes open and being brave - again, be careful with those whom have just gotten divorced (and that is relative to how long they were married) - I was with someone in a similar situation and learned the hard way. Best of luck!
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 I still get the feeling of "I'm unworthy". This is a perspective you need to change to "Here I am, so step up to the plate or don't bother". I know there's a huge contradiction here. I feel like I'm changing and realizing not only that I'm worthy, but that I'm ready to love - and the space and mutual respect in this relationship actually helps me with this change. Can't two people just be good for each other without it having to end in marriage?
You'reasian Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Can't two people just be good for each other without it having to end in marriage? Yes, they can - for a while - but not indefinitely. At one point in time, the marriage bug will bite one of you.
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I know there's a huge contradiction here. I feel like I'm changing and realizing not only that I'm worthy, but that I'm ready to love - and the space and mutual respect in this relationship actually helps me with this change. Can't two people just be good for each other without it having to end in marriage? Yes, marriage isn't an ultimate goal. It's a progression for two individuals who believe in it and want to be committed to each other for life. While I understand where you're coming from, in that not all relationships are intended to last forever, I'm just concerned that you're trying to rationalize the acceptance of crumbs, which WILL rip your heart out, in the long run and be counterproductive to where you want to get to.
Isolde Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Yes, marriage isn't an ultimate goal. It's a progression for two individuals who believe in it and want to be committed to each other for life. While I understand where you're coming from, in that not all relationships are intended to last forever, I'm just concerned that you're trying to rationalize the acceptance of crumbs, which WILL rip your heart out, in the long run and be counterproductive to where you want to get to. I couldn't have said it better! We're not trying to moralize, we're just worried about you.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Yes, they can - for a while - but not indefinitely. At one point in time, the marriage bug will bite one of you. Or one of us will move to a land far far away. Or maybe we will both simultaneously friendzone each other. I'm just concerned that you're trying to rationalize the acceptance of crumbs, which WILL rip your heart out, in the long run and be counterproductive to where you want to get to. I honestly feel it's too early to tell whether or not I am accepting crumbs. So far, he's been treating me marvelously well. If, at any point, I feel like I'm settling for less than I deserve, I feel like I will have the strenght to end things. And of course, I will be on here posting about it, so you can all encourage me to see through it.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 I couldn't have said it better! We're not trying to moralize, we're just worried about you. You guys are cute. To be honest, I think I posted about it because I know you guys care and have my best interest at heart. I know I have an LS addiction problem: I felt like I had to fess up and tell you all the truth.
You'reasian Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 You guys are cute. To be honest, I think I posted about it because I know you guys care and have my best interest at heart. I know I have an LS addiction problem: I felt like I had to fess up and tell you all the truth. How long before you move?
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I couldn't have said it better! We're not trying to moralize, we're just worried about you.Oh lord, this is def. nothing to do with morality! Kamille, consider the definition of insanity and falling back into patterns of behaviour that don't make us happy, but put us back into our comfort zone. I want what's best for you, which includes individual growth towards healthy relationships, which then becomes your comfort zone. Okay. I'm done nagging you. Good luck and just make sure you're doing this for reasons that are good for you, thus make you happy, instead of just comfortable.
Author Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 How long before you move? next fall or next winter. Depends on how fast I finish up my studies. I do have a job lined up.
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