cole750 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 i posted pretty much my story on infidelity boards but recap. Been with H almost 17 yrs since we were 17, have 2 kids 8 & 13.married only 5 yrs. Weve had bad financial problems the past few years with no work here, bad economy. We sent him out of state in september to live with his mom because of work being available because of hurricane ike. we dont have the $$ to fly him home so weve only seen him 11 days out of 8 months. Ive never ever been away from him since high school more than a few days, very hard. Anyway back in feb he asked for a divorce, said he loves me very much but is not in love with me, that he hasnt been happy for along time. which i agree with, the past 2 years we have both been in depression from not being able to find work, almost going into foreclosure 3 times, bills piling up. The financial stress was his main reasoning. I cant get him to understand how to seperate me from those negative feelings. He keeps bringing up the main reason being he had all this burden on his shoulders and i wasnt working. He knew i was doing everything i could to find work but i was a SAHM for 13 years. I worked from home and made pretty decent money, more than i would out of the home but it wasnt very helpful, paid for gas, groceries and a bill or two. so...he came home end of march to talk about the divorce. we ended up sleeping with each other every night, the last night he was asleep when i went into bed, he inched his way towards me until he was cuddling up against me then wrapped me up in his arms holding me so tight. The next morning before boarding the plane he hugged me and told me he loves me and always will, then the texts started how proud he was of me for going back to school and he can see all the changes in me etc and from that point on he started initiating the calls to me (which he wasnt doing before he came home) he hadnt seen me since xmas before this trip. The calls started getting better, we were laughing and flirting again. felt really good. last week we even had some fun with some pics which i thought was good because we had been missing the fun and passion for teh past 2 years (another problem from the depressions of us both) then a few days later i found an email he wrote a girl his mom works with and introduced him to. in the letter he was telling her she was the one, his soul mate, he loved her, talked about sex. Apparently she was witholding sex or something since his trip home, that his mind was on me and our girls. now i feel hopeless, one trip home and everything changed between us, seemed like good changes, he was getting jealous, worrying about me when i went out, my changes were throwing him for loops. some of teh changes were me losing over 40 lbs, i was mowing the grass(that one really got him) i went back to school so i could find work as a CNA and plan on doing LPN in sept, i got over and tackled every one of my fears. made friends in school and started going out every weekend which really is when i started noticing he started calling me more and asking more questions. anyway now that i found out about this girl, he is back to not talking to me again other then short convos.he wont tell me anything about it-when it started, if hes still with her- nothing. He hasnt filed for divorce yet- is that a good sign? how can i save my marriage when 1, he lives 1200 miles away and we dont have the $$ to see each other and 2. now i have to compete with this girl, shes there, im not. will no contact work? being that hes been out there 8 months, i dont think no contact will work because hes had 8 months to get over missing me, needing me etc. plus he has her to turn to IMO. last night i asked if he would fly me out there for 5 days just to spend time with each other and see what we feel, he said he would really have to think about it. I just want a chance with my H. how do I go about it or is it too late. He still worries about me constantly. and how can he say hes in love with her when he slept with me and did those pics with me and talks to me like he does? plus he says he doesnt want to get remarried or have anymore kids that he has his 2 girls and they are the world to him.and shes 32- she will want both- does that mean it has less of a chance of surviving or would he eventually give in and have kids with her? he was an amazing husband and father. Truly my best friend. he treated me so good, with such respect and love. it really seems to go back to the finances more than anything- that is when he gets angry saying the life was sucked out of him always having to worry about keeping us fed and roof over our head
Flying Burrito Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 then a few days later i found an email he wrote a girl his mom works with and introduced him to. Cole, reading this mother in law bit made my blood run cold. If you were my sister, I would never let that woman near you or your kids again. I'd keep a steady watch on that husband too. I don't think this situation is anything you can overcome. Your mother in law didn't just approve of your husband cheating, your mother in law actually played matchmaker. Sure, you already had problems. But make no mistake, a grandmother who helps her grandkids's married father INTO an extramarital affair, and then colludes against you and your kids by supporting it - that's some highly unusual behavior. You and your children are lucky to get the divorce before more damage is done. It doesn't seem lucky to you now but better now than another 10 years from now.
Author cole750 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 thats why his family was so worried with him going out there to stay with her. His dad & grandma are so angry with him and more so with her because they know what she is capable of. This is not the person I knew for the past 16 years. He was an amazing husband and father. She is a selfish person that goes from man to man after her divorce from his dad (their marriage was 15 years & she broke his heart w/ the divorce because she was always accusing him of cheating when he wasnt) his dads side is amazing and they have made it clear to me that I am always a part of their family. his grandma calls everyday to make sure im ok. they are all trying to figure out how to get him back home and away from his mom.
Flying Burrito Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Cole, the sad reality is this IS the person you've known these past 16 years. A sadder reality is this is your kids's legacy. Keep the good memories, keep your kids's grandpa and great grandma. Let go of the husband dragging you down. He's beyond your help and has zero good to give you now. He has other family who can worry about him. You have to make this YOUR time. Its a big month for you. #1 importance in your world for the next few weeks is passing your boards!
Juristhea Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Cole, the sad reality is this IS the person you've known these past 16 years. A sadder reality is this is your kids's legacy. Keep the good memories, keep your kids's grandpa and great grandma. Let go of the husband dragging you down. He's beyond your help and has zero good to give you now. He has other family who can worry about him. You have to make this YOUR time. Its a big month for you. #1 importance in your world for the next few weeks is passing your boards! Focus on what you can give to your children, make them feel loved despite circumstances. Your husband is a jerk and an idiot, and you shouldnt bother with him anymore. It's no longer healthy for you to stay in that relationship anymore.
Author cole750 Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 I know the reality of it but man I wish it didnt hurt so bad. I wish i didnt love him so much. Im doing the best I can and will continue with that, i dont plan on giving up on suceeding and knowing that my girls will be able to look at me and be proud of who im becoming. I just wish the butterflies in the pit of my stomach would leave!!! constant uneasy feeling, like im just going to puke
Recommended Posts