ChefJan Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I am now officially the OW ! It makes me sick to my stomach, I never believed that I would do this to myself. I am a very strong educated women. I am in my mid-50's and am a professional Chef . I can say that I have been extremely independent throughout my life having courage and confidence throughout. Last August I ended a ten (10) year marriage and it was not painful. He had taken advantage of me for a very long time and the only difficulty was getting him to leave. That took several months and it was exasperating. I had an aquaintance that kept asking me out for cocktails for a few years and I always declined. I actually would say in my mind, " why would I want to go out with him", I just never saw anything in him. In December after running into him again, I said OK and off we went for drinks. I dont know if it was because I had been lonely for a long period of time and could now step out in public on my own, so-to-speak without judgement, I just starting seeing him often, 2 or 3 x's a week and he was upfront and candid with me from the start, telling me he was married. The marriage had been "on the rocks" for several years, as mine had been. Likely story huh? I did not make love to him until April of this year. I held back hoping that he would at least move out and show me that he was being truthful. There were many discussions and promises about the future and he had me in his web..... Last week I received a rushed phone call from him saying that his wife had taken his cell phone to work by accident, obviously both phones are the same and she received a text message from me that day as it was a daily thing, he would text me and I would do the same. He said that "this had to end immediately" and I was stunned...... I then knew that he had thrown me under the bus when the chips were down. I did not hear from him for several days and when I did I told him, " You never deserved me " ! I was and am still completely heartbroken. He has called repeadedly and I have thrown myself back into my work. I just cant get him out of my mind and know that I just wasted five (5) months of my life. How can a woman of my age and professional status do something this stupid and personally damaging? I just cant get him out of my mind. Cheffie Deerfield Beach, Florida
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Unfortunatley, you did because you felt like it was okay. You made a choice to be in a relationship with him not only knowing he was married, but was living with her. As you said, you kept hoping that he would be truthful. You knew the facts, he was married, living at home and lying. You just chose to ignore the facts. What allowed you to do that, that is something you will have to figure out on your own. But the other thing that stands out to me, is if his wife hadn't received the text, you would have been more than willing to continue with this sham.
2sunny Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 i guess you could look at the up side... be grateful you didn't waste years in his little world of twisted lies designed to fool you. he was probably telling you with his actions that you weren't the priority if you think back... it's his words that are usually designed to keep you around... they always try to tell you what you want to hear - so they selfishly get what they want in the end. regarding this I feel like a fool ! I am now officially the OW ! you knew you were officially the OW when you went for drinks and continued to see a MM. this is NOT a new revelation if you are honest.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I think it was probably the loneliness after the breakdown of your marriage. Because you were lonely, you may have felt a sense of entitlement to this mans company. Sometimes we do bad things because we aren't really thinking at the time about what we are actually doing, we are just FEELING. Feeling lonely or entitled or sad or anxious. You knew all along he was married, you went along with it. I mean did you want a future with him? Or expect anything from him? Or was he just a distraction or a reminder you are alive?
Reggie Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Sounds like you may be lacking in integrity and empathy. You might try counseling to see why you decided to go this route. It is usually tied up with low self esteem and lack of values. You can build those things by choosing to act with honor in the future.
Author ChefJan Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks for your comments, I think I made it clear that I have made a horrible, senseless decision. Degrading me more is not what I was looking for as I am already there. I was looking for some compassion and guidance as I know that this will take some time to get past ~~No one is exempt from making bad mistakes in this life time, I just am reaching out for help to get beyond it.
Reggie Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 CJ, I think your best bet is to get into therapy. It was more than a bad decision. It required you to really ignore a lot of things, like compassion for th BS, and to suspend your judgement re the likeliehood of this really being a healthy relationship and the character of the guy that was cheating on his wife and family. You obviously bought a pack of lies from this guy and you need to figure out why you bought this. I am not saying you are a horrible person. But, I think you need to explore why you were able to go down this road.
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