wally Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Here is my story as short as I can make it. I’ve been married for 23 years. We had sex two months after we met and she got pregnant with our son right away. I had an unstable and screwed up childhood, and wanted to make things right for him, so we married. Prior to getting married I started to realize that I wasn’t all that sexually or romantically attracted to her. Throughout the marriage I would recoil when she touched me, and began to hate touching her. We would have sex, but that’s all it was. Just a release to get off, and usually not intercourse, mainly because I didn’t want to be so close. Here is the thing. I love and care for her very much. She is the nicest person I have ever met. I just feel so phony in this thing though. I spent the last six months sorting out what was going on inside of me. Trying to figure out if it was me that needed to change, and a few days ago, I told her we should split, and she is gone. I’m worried for her, maybe more than I am for myself, and I’m not sure I made the right choice here. This is someone that would do just about anything I wanted. The most agreeable person on the planet maybe. To be honest, the fact that she was so agreeable, made me feel unchallenged most of the time. One of the key factors of this decision was that I felt, I was giving up on myself in life. I lost my drive to work, to be good to me, and felt as though I had nothing to work towards anymore. I so miss being able to touch someone with passion and feel an emotional connection. I feel deprived of that. Am I crazy for letting her go? Was there something I could do to become romantically attracted to her? Or should I beg her to come back and live the rest of my life with this missing? Please help me!
Juristhea Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Here is my story as short as I can make it. I’ve been married for 23 years. We had sex two months after we met and she got pregnant with our son right away. I had an unstable and screwed up childhood, and wanted to make things right for him, so we married. Prior to getting married I started to realize that I wasn’t all that sexually or romantically attracted to her. Throughout the marriage I would recoil when she touched me, and began to hate touching her. We would have sex, but that’s all it was. Just a release to get off, and usually not intercourse, mainly because I didn’t want to be so close. Here is the thing. I love and care for her very much. She is the nicest person I have ever met. I just feel so phony in this thing though. I spent the last six months sorting out what was going on inside of me. Trying to figure out if it was me that needed to change, and a few days ago, I told her we should split, and she is gone. I’m worried for her, maybe more than I am for myself, and I’m not sure I made the right choice here. This is someone that would do just about anything I wanted. The most agreeable person on the planet maybe. To be honest, the fact that she was so agreeable, made me feel unchallenged most of the time. One of the key factors of this decision was that I felt, I was giving up on myself in life. I lost my drive to work, to be good to me, and felt as though I had nothing to work towards anymore. I so miss being able to touch someone with passion and feel an emotional connection. I feel deprived of that. Am I crazy for letting her go? Was there something I could do to become romantically attracted to her? Or should I beg her to come back and live the rest of my life with this missing? Please help me! Maybe you should give yourself time to heal and recover yourself and tend to your own wounds. Once you've figured out where you went wrong in yourself, you will find out where the relationship went wrong and what you can do to fix it. But until then, start healing yourself first.
Intricategirl Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 You haven't been sexually attracted to her in roughly 23 years and you felt like you gave up on yourself? I'm in a similar situation, but from the other end. And I'm not the kind of person that would tell anybody that they need to leave their spouse. That being said, why would you go beg for her to come back?? You put in 23 years of trying. Even if it was only halfway trying, you tried. Cut your losses, find someone you're sexually attracted to, and move on. But more importantly, let her move on. She's probably not unaware that her husband recoils at the thought of touching her. She just might not have had any idea how to end it. Stringing her along and making it seem like there's a chance that things will be different is one of the ugliest things you could do to her. Move on, and for god sake, let her move on.
sabrina11 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Hi Wally, I am in a similar situation and so I can completely relate. I feel repulsed by my DH and have no desire to have sex with him. He is such a good person and a good father to our son. The funny thing is we have one child and he was conceived by artificial insemination - I was going through fertility treatments. I guess I think you did the right thing, what I need to do, but haven't brought myself to do yet. I don't know all the answers in this situation, trying to find my way through it right now. Hang in there and don't string her along any more.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 23 years... that is a long time to feel this way. I have felt similarly to you for some time now. I could not imagine going on this way and have been slowly pulling away. I think that ending things is the right way to go. You deserve to feel alive, challenged in life, and certainly to feel sexual attraction. Your wife does not need crumbs of love or to have her feelings be unvalidated. I want my husband to be happy and received the love and sex he deserves... I'm sure you want the same for your wife. It's painful to pull away. To be selfish and care for yourself seems painful too. Either way it's going to hurt, but when you do what you need for yourself the reward is unmeasurable. In time, as you both heal, I believe you will feel you have made the right decision. Best of luck!
Admiral Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 You should never have been married to her. You NEVER have an obligation to marry.
Author wally Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 So far you all have been very helpful. Please keep em coming! I wish I would have found this site years ago! These days have been so hard for me and I am sure her as well. I just can't stop thinking about what her quality of life is going to be now. We went through some really tough financial times the last few years, and have been left with very little. We both have a tough road to go down as far as that goes.
mental_traveller Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 23 years is too long to be with someone who doesn't even give you a hard-on. In future, only date women who make you hot & horny, and if things go downhill and don't recover in 2-3 months, end the relationship.
Recommended Posts