in love with the OW???? any hope

May 2, 2009

Im new here but been reading a while. My story- been with my husband 16 years and married 5 with 2 children ages 8 & 13. Back in september we had to send him to another state to live with his mom for work. There was no work here. We didnt have the $$ to fly him home often so we flew him home for thansgiving and xmas. Very tough not seeing him,especially on the kids.

anyway back in February he told me he wanted a divorce. I couldnt believe it. My best friend, the person ive spent my entire adult life with. I was so in love with him, I had no clue how this could be happening. Yes the past 3 years have been very bad for us financially because of no work here but our relationship wasnt bad. We did start to drift apart with all the stress and depression over the last 2 years (the last 8 months of that was while he was gone)

so back after he asked for the divorce he added a girl to facebook, i asked who she was, he said a friend of his moms, he wasnt lying about that but the problem was apparently he started going out with this girl without me knowing & i dont know when it started, before or after aksing for a divorce.I flew him home the last week of march to talk about all this. He said he loves me, always will but hes not in love with. He said we drifted apart. His main anger which i totally agree with was the financial burden on his shoulders from me not being able to find work but i did work from home bringing in a good amount of money that did help.

That night he tried something with me, i cried and said no that hes divorcing me. Later that night we did end up sleeping together and over the next 2 nights before him going home(best sex in a long time too). The day he went back to his moms, he started calling me all the time, initiating the calls, texting me a lot. We started having great convos and were laughing again and flirting. I felt we were building our connection back up. I had finished school for nursing and he told me how proud he wasof me, he was seeing the changes in me.Ive lost 49 pounds so far since he asked for D. I got over all of my fears and tackled them (before he asked for the divorce, not because of the divorce) I made a ton of friends at school and was starting to go out on the weekend. he would call when i went out to make sure i made it home. Then last week a guy friend wrote on my Fb wall, H got upset asking who he was etc.so i thought that was a good thing. And this weekend we actually had some fun on the phone- we took some pics and were sending them back and forth, trying to bring some passion and fun back into this marriage. I thought it was a good thing. we had fun but 2 days later i found an email he wrote to this girl his mom introduced him to. the same girl i was asking about and he kept saying nothing happened that we are getting a divorce so he has no reason to lie to me. This email to her said she was his soul mate, true love, the one. they were having sex which apprently she cut off when he had come home, it also said she was distant the last 3 weeks which places it to when he came home to me. I dont know if they are still together, he wont tell me anything- he said it doesnt matter.

Is it really possible for him to be in love with her in only a few months. I had a talk with him tonight and i asked him to fly me out there for a few days to try and work on this. he said he has to think about it. he said hes worried about a 2nd chance because he doesnt see things changing. I said they have already changed, i went to school and will find a job, im over my fears, im a diff person, made a ton of friends. cut our bills in half. we would never have that financial stress again. I feal cheated because of the economy. The economy took away my husband to another state, bringing me divorce. I am so hurt that me and the girls arent worth another chance. Can i have any chance at winning him back while he might still be with her out there? how do i win this one?

May 2, 2009

I'm sorry for your pain, but right now you need to be strong.

You need to tell him that marriage is no game. either he's married or he's not!

You need to put your foot down and do a 180. a hard one at that. let him fall flat on his face. if he wants to make it up to you. action talks bullcrap walks.

May 2, 2009

Hi, sorry you are going through this. Why do you want him back even though he is unwilling to come up clean about his affair? I mean, easy for him to say you do not need to know because "it doesnt matter". It matters, because it is hurting your, it matters because if you want to save your marriage you have to know the truth and decide if the truth is something that you can forgive or not.

I am not sure which state you live, but economically I do not think your life is going to be so miserable without him. You said you finished nursing school---are you going to be an RN? RNs make good enough money, of course depending on your lifestyle.

Keep posting, you wil get a lot of insights here. Take care.

May 2, 2009

I'm sorry to hear of your situation,its a terrible thing to go through.

When people start having affairs they become habitual liars !

They change dramatically into something you never thought they would , the person you married becomes secretive and withdrawn and try and cover their tracks in any way possible.

In the end you have to ask yourself one question

COULD I EVER TRUST THEM AGAIN ??????

Think with your head NOT your heart.

Did he think of you when he was seeing this other woman ??

I doubt it , take care hun

May 2, 2009

Nope, not RN. all I could afford was the CNA classes but they only make 8-10 hr here. Our city is one of the top 3 worst in the US. not so good right now here which is why we had to send him out there. I would trust him again because when he was here, his daughters are his life. He was such a good husband and father. Weve been together since we were 17 and he treated me which such respect and as his equal, with such affection.

I understand the cheating in a way. We were both in a depression the past 2 years and just allowed the negativity to get in the way. We almost lost our house 3 times & bills just kept piling up. so when he went out there he wasnt in a hppy place. When he asked for the divorce he said he hasnt been happy for a long time and then you add the almost 8 months hes been out there to that- it was easy to drift apart. But the thing is- him being home with me for 1 weekend changed everything between us for the better- even got her to break it off with him because she said he was focused on me and the girls when he went back there so that has to say there is something left, right? i just think he is looking at me in a negative light because of the stress we had, I cant get him to see our relationship wasnt bad, we didnt fight, we had respect, affectionate, he was always home with us- amazing father. but it was what was going on around us that was the problem and we should have opened our eyes but we were so stressed financially that was all that weighed on our minds. with how hes been with me this month since he had came home to see us, i was so hopeful- we were building the connection back up but now it seems hopeless (if he happens to still be with her) because she is the one out there and i am the one 1200 miles away. how do I even fight something like that. Will no contact work? or has he been gone too long to even miss me. Even though he asked for divorce in feb- he has been gone 8 months so I figure the missing me get out of his system when he got out there. I did contact the OW on FB when i had found out. basiclly let her know i wasnt giving up and all and she went to his mom (since they work together) he didnt even care that i contacted her. he kind of laughed and said how many times did you email her. I said once but he did get mad when OW brought his mom into it. LAst night i asked if hes still with her- he didnt say and I was like you realize she is going to want marriage and kids. hes like why is that. Im like shes 32. he was like i have my 2 girls that he didnt plan on having anymore. he was in a depression last night because my oldest daughter doesnt want to talk to him. he didnt get it, im like you have been there for every aspect of their lives, your the one that put them to bed every single night, you have never been away from them and now they have seen you for 11 days in 8 months and you told them your divorcing me, of course they are angry right now.

May 2, 2009

let me ask this real quick. How can he say he loves her and shes his soul mate and then turn around and sleep with me 3 nights in a row,then do the pics with me and be the way hes been with me all month and the jealousy and he quit being so angry with me, and started initiating calls with me. Can he really love her or make this work with her?

May 2, 2009

let me ask this real quick. How can he say he loves her and shes his soul mate and then turn around and sleep with me 3 nights in a row,then do the pics with me and be the way hes been with me all month and the jealousy and he quit being so angry with me, and started initiating calls with me. Can he really love her or make this work with her?

men are good at compartametalizing. he is being very selfish. can he make this work w her? maybe in the short term, but karma does catch up. so don't worry about them. think about yourself and the girls. you got your first degree, keep improving yourself so that you can make more $$ and be financially independant. i am sorry for what you are going through. you don't see it now, but believe me, there will be the day that this mess will be behind you and find yourself smiling again.

May 2, 2009

Thanks. I was doing very well this past month with things seeming on the up with us and talking so much, building our friendship back up and then once i found out about this girl- it all went south. I have slept 4 hours in 5 days, i cant eat, sleep- i just keep pacing the floors, my mind is constantly on overdrive and cant relax. I am so terrified of him going through with this. I miss him so much. My state test is on the 19th and i dont know how to get my head together for it. I NEED to pass it to find work - especially since that is his main issue with me- not helping financially.

May 2, 2009

I feal cheated because of the economy. The economy took away my husband to another state, bringing me divorce.

You're not going to make any progress, whether your marriage survives or not, unless you hold your husband responsible for what he's done. The economy did not bring you to the brink of divorce - your husband did. You're in the same marriage, right? Under the same stresses, separated from him? And yet you haven't cheated.

I NEED to pass it to find work - especially since that is his main issue with me- not helping financially.

He's gaslighting you. It's a man's job to provide for his family and many men (myself included) have worked two jobs if necessary. It's just another attempt on his part to justify the cheating...

Mr. Lucky

May 2, 2009

let me ask this real quick. How can he say he loves her and shes his soul mate and then turn around and sleep with me 3 nights in a row,then do the pics with me and be the way hes been with me all month and the jealousy and he quit being so angry with me, and started initiating calls with me. Can he really love her or make this work with her?

He was infatuated with her. He still loves you, but realizes if he comes back to you 'too soon', he will miss out on all that heady affairs stuff, which is VERY addictive!

Instead of looking for work in your state, can you look for work right where your H is? Give it a six month chance? or even a three month chance... do this while your girls are out of school for the summer.

Tell me, does his mother know of his affair with her friend? Does she approve? Does your mother in law like you?! WTF

Would you mom in law put you up for a while, there to look for work?

May 2, 2009

Thanks. I was doing very well this past month with things seeming on the up with us and talking so much, building our friendship back up and then once i found out about this girl- it all went south. I have slept 4 hours in 5 days, i cant eat, sleep- i just keep pacing the floors, my mind is constantly on overdrive and cant relax. I am so terrified of him going through with this. I miss him so much. My state test is on the 19th and i dont know how to get my head together for it. I NEED to pass it to find work - especially since that is his main issue with me- not helping financially.

You might want to see a doctor about meds at this point. It is very normal to not sleep and to lose weight rapidly after this traums.

I'll keep this short. You need to start focusing on taking good care of yourself. You cannot control his actions and he is acting like a typical WS, lying, waffling, blaming etc. It is hard to wrap your brain around, as in this depleted state, almost all BSs start looking at what they did to cause this. Your financial contribution, while an attractive target for assigning responsibility, really had nothing to do with this. Same with any weight you may have gained. But, we BSs want to believe it was something we did or did not do, as it gives us a sense of control.

Really, you cannot control him and his terrible decison. He is badly flawed in the integrity, trustworthiness area and has been forever. You did not have anything to do with this character defect.

Good luck. This is a horrible thing to go through. Can you confide in family and friends?

May 2, 2009

oh yes his mom knew good and well. She is the one who introduced them. See his mom has been out of the picture for a while. she moved out there in 98 and only calls him like once every 3 months before he went out there. we never had any issues, she always said love ya when getting off the phone BUT she is a cold, distant person who is very selfish and goes from man to man. When H asked for the divorce, his dad and grandma 1st thing they said " this is his mom" they were worried when he first went out there because they knew who she was, she is a partier- works hard all day as head RN and then parties at night & wants to be young, she wont even let our kids call her grandma. so she is not helping him at all to see right from wrong- she has been taking him out to bars since he got out there. showering him with gifts. his grandma is really angry and she has been wonderful- calling me everyday to make sure im OK and reminding me that i will always be a part of this family and welcome over there anytime.Starting around thanskgiving I could see the changes in him like i didnt know him anymore. He was morphing into his mom. She sits there and tells him the girls are just fine with this divorce and him being gone- when they are NOT. they are angry as hell. The person i knew the past 16 years was not someone who could be away from his kids like this- it kills him. he has called me in a depression quite a few times over it. I wish he could go see someone because he has been so depressed for so long now & he holds EVERYTHING in. i think he needs to talk to someone. He gets his insurance with work this month so I am going to try and talk him into seeking help for the depression & anger.

I am not really trying to put blame on myself, this was 2 sided. He has his flaws, i have mine, but he has been telling me for the past 3 years that he really needed help financially. We both applied everywhere but when i say no work- no work- we tried gas stations, fast food- everything. I could see him sinking further and further into depression the past 2 years but we had no health insurance the past couple of years and the state wouldnt help us out. we got denied insurance. its just been a really rough few years. But all in all I would like to work this out. The person that came home a few weeks ago was not someone that wanted to divorce me. I could see it in his eyes, his touch. Being with him 17 years i know him inside and out, i know what his signals are, the tone of his voice - everything. I asked him if we could move out there, sell our house and just go but he said he doesnt want to sell our house which i dont either but we have to do what we have to do. Right now he doesnt seem willing at all to work this out. I keep waiting for those divorce papers to come.

May 3, 2009

He said he loves me, always will but hes not in love with. He said we drifted apart.

Take the I love you but not in love with you as your cue. He drifted, not you.

He is stringing you along, he is a cake eater.

Being with him 17 years i know him inside and out

Not anymore you don't. The man you once knew is gone, went over to the dark side. Let him now do what he wants and the quicker the better, otherwise he will chew you up and spit you out.

May 3, 2009

Can he really love her or make this work with her?

He has fooled himself into believing that he can. Sure, he can sleep with you and then see her, no problem. Big time cake eater. You have the power to tell him to eff off, do it before he does it to you. You be the victorious one here and see through his scam and tell him where to go. If you don't.....believe me......he will and then you will be the powerless one. Show him you are a strong, capable woman that won't put up with his sh*t...it's the only fight you have left to give him because nothing else will work if you want his sorry azz back.

May 3, 2009

thats what im trying here. Going a little crazy trying not to pick up the phone or email him. It is hard with kids and bills. I cant completely go NC because he calls for them & i still have to talk to him each week about how much to send me for what bills are due and groceries etc. Very difficult. Oh he knows im much stronger and coming out a better person of this. Ive been throwing him for many loops with all my changes but i started all these changes before he even asked for the divorce but he was out there and no way to show him. when he left and I got out of the depression fog, I took a good look at me and didnt notice ME anymore- so i started work on myself right away. Took about 3 months to get over all my fears (mainly social, from being a SAHM for 13 yrs & not getting to meet people) went to school - everything- so I know no matter what I am coming out of this stronger and better & can say I am actually very happy with my changes and very proud of myself. in fact he had said that when i went to school. My 1st day i was like- 6 months ago I would have called you in a panic attack before walking into school and here i walked in and talked to people without a problems & he was like- see i told you you didnt need me to help you, you needed to figure it on your own and be strong.

May 3, 2009

I took a good look at me and didnt notice ME anymore- so i started work on myself right away.

Bravo!

There ya go, you don't need him, so why give him credit when he said this to you....

see i told you you didnt need me to help you, you needed to figure it on your own and be strong.

Only converse with him when it's about the kids, if he wants to know anything about you...don't go there. You need to feel good about what you are doing without confirmation from him.

May 3, 2009

I am sorry for what you are going through but have to give you a huge WTG on school and your new body and social life. I hope YOU do not wait for the divorce but file against him...You are too good for him . I wonder if he ever got a job by mom...If he had the time to date the other chick and do her then he ought to have a job.....You can do better....this jerk may just want your income...I am wishing you the best and hope he goes to his soulmate....IMO they are both souless...Let your kids talk with him and that is it.....Dudes a creep.

May 3, 2009

Oh no, he has a job. Thats why we sent him out there. Ive been a SAHM for the past 13 years and hes always provided for me and the girls more than enough. The lawyer I spoke to said to wait for him to file because H is giving me a much better deal than a judge would and the lawyer is worried if I file first, then H my get vindictive and give me less. He said what he offered me is an amzing deal and i need to leave it at that.

May 3, 2009

just had to come here and post this. It was too funny in a way. sad but funny. H was upset the other night because our oldest wont really talk to him. Anyway last night he called her and she B*TCHED him out bad. he asked why her and her sister dont really call him much anymore and she just reamed into him and was like" XXX(sis) doesnt call you because she doesnt ask for you anymore & i dont call you because I dont know who you are, your not my father anymore, i dont recognize you. " i know that killed him but if that wasnt a wake up call I dont know what is. My friend was on the phone with me at the time and he was like- if that was my kid saying that, my sh*t would be thrown in my car and i would be driving home for good. why doesnt he see how bad his children are pulling away from him. He went from being this amazing father , spending every waking day with them, putting them to bed, giving them their baths to this. I hope this girl is worth it to him (if hes still with her) my father was a single dad to me, he raised me and he NEVER put any woman in front of me or my brother and if we didnt like a woman he dated - she was gone.

May 3, 2009

He went from being this amazing father , spending every waking day with them, putting them to bed, giving them their baths to this.

Your daughter is holding her Dad to a Higher Standard. Good for her! She is a smart cookie.

May 3, 2009

Oh no, he has a job. Thats why we sent him out there. Ive been a SAHM for the past 13 years and hes always provided for me and the girls more than enough. The lawyer I spoke to said to wait for him to file because H is giving me a much better deal than a judge would and the lawyer is worried if I file first, then H my get vindictive and give me less. He said what he offered me is an amzing deal and i need to leave it at that.

Then you need another lawyer.

That's awful advice. Get a second opinion.

May 4, 2009

well I talked to 4 lawyers and they all say the same thing, that between what he offered for child support and to pay my mortgage and half the bills that no judge would give me the amount he is offering and by filing myslef I am risking losing that. so...im not going to risk it. CNA pay is not enough to take care of myself. 8-10/hr wont pay for nothing more than gas and groceries.

what is it with them not being able to say sorry. Last night i told him what bills are due and i had said something about saying sorry for what hes doen and is doing and he said "give me time" what the hell is that? give me time.

May 6, 2009

Last night i told him what bills are due and i had said something about saying sorry for what hes doen and is doing and he said "give me time" what the hell is that? give me time.

He doesn't have any remorse, yet, for what he's done. So he's asking you to give him time.

Of course, if an empty 'sorry' is what you are looking for....

May 6, 2009

thats what im trying here. Going a little crazy trying not to pick up the phone or email him. It is hard with kids and bills. I cant completely go NC because he calls for them & i still have to talk to him each week about how much to send me for what bills are due and groceries etc. Very difficult. Oh he knows im much stronger and coming out a better person of this. Ive been throwing him for many loops with all my changes but i started all these changes before he even asked for the divorce but he was out there and no way to show him. when he left and I got out of the depression fog, I took a good look at me and didnt notice ME anymore- so i started work on myself right away. Took about 3 months to get over all my fears (mainly social, from being a SAHM for 13 yrs & not getting to meet people) went to school - everything- so I know no matter what I am coming out of this stronger and better & can say I am actually very happy with my changes and very proud of myself. in fact he had said that when i went to school. My 1st day i was like- 6 months ago I would have called you in a panic attack before walking into school and here i walked in and talked to people without a problems & he was like- see i told you you didnt need me to help you, you needed to figure it on your own and be strong.

Good For YOu!!!

This is the best thing you can do both for any potential relationship with your husband and for yourself. It is easy to lose yourself when you are a stay at home mom and it is fantastic that you are finding your wonderful self again.

But please know that you are NOT responsible for his decision to handle his issues by cheating.

Be strong. Focus on building a fantastic life for yourself and your children. Show your husband by your actions that you are not waiting around for him to make up his mind which women and which life he wants more.

Your husband will probaly come running back to you. But if he doesn't, after all the dust settles and the tears are shed, you will be well on your way to buiding a great life for yourself and will will have been a wonderful example to your children of how graceful people overcome life challenges.

Best Of Luck

Sign In

in love with the OW???? any hope

Recommended Posts

cole750

Chrome Barracuda

desertmoon

Dessert Fox

cole750

cole750

joyz

cole750

Mr. Lucky

Athena

Reggie

cole750

hopesndreams

hopesndreams

cole750

hopesndreams

ForumFool

cole750

cole750

Athena

jwi71

cole750

Athena

PhoenixRise

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...