now_what Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I posted recently that I was upset that my ex went on a long vacation without telling his children where or even that he was going. Well, I think I found out why he was being secretive ---- HE GOT MARRIED!!! I was searching online to see if our dissolution notice had hit the newspaper and low and behold I pulled up a marriage license application for my ex and his biker ho girlfriend - taken out only 14 days after our dissolution was final. He had asked for his birth certificate a couple of months ago and I jokingly asked if he was getting married - he said no he had no plans at the moment - LIE. This just continues the pattern of lies and deceit and not being man enough to face up to his actions. I don't know for certain that he got married - but it all fits together. No wonder he was in such a rush to push our dissolution through and give me what I wanted. This just hit me like a ton of bricks. After being married to me for 30 years, he has decided to marry someone he claims he had only been seeing for two months before he left me - so at this point - if he's not lying - he's known her for 9 months. What upsets me the most is that he did not have the decency to tell his children that he was getting married. I had just joked to someone the other night that I would not be surprised if he married this woman before the kids ever met her. Guess I was right. He is off in his own little world, thinking his actions do not affect anyone else. I just feel sick.
Author now_what Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 After sleeping on this information, I feel a little better. Maybe I was over-reacting from the shock of discovering the marriage license last night, but now it's so clear why he rushed through with everything. I just feel bad that he is distancing himself even more from his children by not even bothering to consider their feelings about all of this. Maybe they will not even care, but I guess from my point of view if I was dating someone and they were important to me I would certainly have introduced them to my kids and if I felt strongly enough about this person to marry them my children would be there too. Legally, I am going to remove his name from my life insurance policy and change it to all the kids - even though my daughter is a minor, I don't trust him to handle her share of the money if something happened to me, since the girlfriend is now officialy in the picture. He has not yet quitclaimed the house to me which is in the separation agreement. I will push for that as soon as possible - if something happened to him, I don't want the new wife to think she has part ownership of my house. I told my ex at one time that if something happened to me, I wanted our daughter to live with my mom and dad (they were agreeable to this) instead of him, so she could finish high school where she lives and he was totally agreeable to this. Should something like that be specified in a will? I do not want her to have to deal with this woman as a stepmother. Is there anything else I'm not thinking of since he is now (presumably) remarried? Does anyone have any thoughts on this matter? Should I just see how long it takes him to tell the kids - if he ever does?
Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Argh! I have no respect for men who feel it's ok to not include their children in such major events as their own remarriage! A friend of mine's ex got remarried, the children knew his fiancé and liked her (and as far as we know, she also liked them), but he decided not to invite them because that would have meant he would have had to plan for a babysitter (like, what's wrong with grandma?). The children were hurt. I'm sorry Nowwhat, your ex-h is acting very selfish.
amaysngrace Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Nowwhat my ex-husband did that too. He went from me to somebody else really quickly. He married her eight weeks after our divorce was final. My children weren't asked to be at his wedding. And they were seven (daughter) and eight (son). They would have been precious dressed up fancy. Now he calls me almost every day to talk when our kids are at school. I have no idea why he does that. We aren't married. Most times I don't answer. I feel sorry for people like this who rush out of something right into another. They never even get to know themselves. He will remain lost.
Ronni_W Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Wow! If that is how he played things, agree with you that the sky is NOT blue on the planet where your ex is currently residing . Like you say, though, he'll have to deal with all negative consequences and repercussions of his own decisions and actions. Is there anything else I'm not thinking of since he is now (presumably) remarried? If you or any of the kids are on any group health plan he may have, probably good to check about continued coverage. I recently put a minor on my life insurance...it required me to designate an adult trustee, which could have been anyone -- sibling, grandparent, aunt, etc. If your sep. agreement has provisions for him to maintain life insurance for benefit of the kids, may wanna see about making that an irrevocable designation. Suggest to speak with your lawyer about all of it, though -- protect your and the children's interests to your best possible ability.
Author now_what Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 My son and younger daughter are both on my health insurance policy - my ex is not anymore - he's on his own now. I will contact an attorney about the life insurance questions I have - but I know I do not want to leave anything to him. I also need to remove him as the beneficiary on my pension plan. This whole situation is just so strange, but now I'm feeling eerily calm, like the revelation that he is remarried has cut any remaining connection I have to him - I pretty much feel completely neutral towards him - no love, no hate, nothing. I just don't know what the kids will think, but they have been perplexed by his actions for a long time, so maybe this will not make any difference.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I'm surprised the financial decisions weren't included in the divorce. How can a divorce be final without settlement of all the assets and pensions and insurance, etc? Hopefully you can get that taken care of before he gets back from the honeymoon!
Author now_what Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 The financial decisions were included in the divorce - he just has not signed the quitclaim deed yet to give up his interest in the house - the separation agreement states that if he does not his interest in the property. I just had no idea that he was remarrying so soon, I was going to get the property description to his attorney to prepare the deed so I would not have to pay for it. We each have no claim in each other's life insurance, but off the record I had said that I would leave him as the beneficiary for 1/3 of my policy with the understanding that it would be used for expenses for our younger daughter - I have changed my mind about this though - I don't want to take the chance that the new wife would get ahold of the money. He had said that he would leave me as beneficiary on one of his life insurance policies as he is paying child support so the house would be paid off in case of his death. He has no claim to my pension, but I had not changed him as the beneficiary yet. He does not have a pension and he cashed in his 401K when he took a job out of state in 2007. I will get the property description to the attorney this week and make the changes to the insurance and pension on Monday.
Author now_what Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 In the previous post I meant to say that if he does not sign the quitclaim deed the separation agreement serves as the order to transfer his interest in the property.
Author now_what Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 My ex will be back from his apparent honeymoon tomorrow and will probably respond to my email about his friend dying. Should I ask him how the honeymoon was, or should I just wait and see how long it takes for him to mention that he got married?
boldjack Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Nowhat, Don't even mention his marriage in any way. Don't give him the satisfaction. Do you have joint-custody? If you have sole custody then you should make provisions for custody in the event of your death, or serious injury. As far as the kids go, he got married, so he should be the one to deal with any problems that arise there.
Author now_what Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 We have shared parenting, but my daughter has never visited him, because he lives in another town - and now I don't think she would have any interest in being with him and the new "stepmother" she does not know about. He did agree that if something happened to me, she could stay with my mom and dad to finish school - but I didn't know legally, what I had to do to make that binding. I know he would never make her move and miss her final years of school - he knows how much her friends and activities mean to her - he has some sense in that aspect at least.
amaysngrace Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 I vote don't say anything too. It will be taken the wrong way by him like you still care. Even if you do care act like you don't and one day you won't. Why give him the satisfaction of thinking he is bothering you? Be better than that.
boldjack Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 NW, Maybe that's a subject you should bring up with your attorney, when you talk. Something to the effect that your parental rights will pass to your parents. If that is possible. I'm sure that your eldest is old enough to see this for what it is and maybe that explains her reluctance to visit him. As long as you have complete financial separation, you should be OK. His choices suck....., but Hey....he made em.
Author now_what Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 My ex and I were talking today about our tax return and how much each should get - I felt that I should get more (because I had made vacation plans before he left with his full knowledge and he knew that I always pay for vacations with the refund) and he had agreed to that previously. Well he was getting kind of mean about things until I reminded him of a few past conversations and got him calmed down. And then he actually had the nerve to say that I wouldn't like it if he did the same to me (keep more of the refund). I thought, you piece of sh**, you have done plenty of things I did not like lately. Anyhow, things calmed down and he called me and we were having a friendly conversation when I just had to ask him if he got married. He replied yes and I asked him if he intended to tell the kids and he said he was planning on it. I was very calm and indifferent, not emotional at all. All I could think of was how he lied to me stating that he had no plans to get married and that he was going to Canada - guess he's just a liar or a coward - because he did get married and went to the Bahamas. He was probably planning it all along which makes me wonder if he was actually seeing his biker chick earlier than the two months he claimed to have before he snuck out on me. It was funny, he got a bit flustered and couldn't get off the phone fast enough. And me, I was as cool as a cucumber and bit my tongue and did not comment or be sarcastic.
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