WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I'm wondering why, for the past 16 months, I've been seeing guys, having a good time with them, getting to the point where we're kissing etc and are in bed, and then... they don't take it any further. It turns into a chaste sleepover. All of these guys have said that they feel "intimidated," and when I ask (later) what they meant, they don't give a specific answer. One of these guys just got back in contact with me, wanting to see me again. He said he really enjoyed our time together before, and wanted to "spend some time with me." So he came over, we had dinner, stayed up late talking, and then I said it was time to go to bed. We went to bed, I got undressed down to my nice underthings, and he got into bed with me... and just laid there. No touching, no kissing, nothing. I stroked his arm, but there was no response. He eventually put his hand on my waist (above the blankets) and went to sleep. The next day he texted me to say he was "shy, feeling insecure, didn't know what to do." He said he had a great time, that I looked "stunning," and he hoped to do it again soon. What am I doing wrong?? On the one hand, I guess it's nice that a guy isn't solely interested in sex. But with all these guys NOT being interested in sex, I'm feeling very unattractive and/or like I'm doing something to put them off. Any idea why a guy would be in bed with a girl after a nice evening and not do ANYTHING physical? Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Here's what I would do: I would plant a big one on him, roll him over and jump on top of him. Then whisper in his ears: I want to suck your c***. It's a done deal. There's no way he would still lay unresponsive to that. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Sounds as if the guys are afraid of sliding into third base and getting the "What the hell are you doing?" comment. As a guy who has been in these situations what's going through my mind is, "Should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I?" It can be a confusing ordeal. You might think you are sending all the right signals, but sometimes they can get confused. Though, if I had a girl in her underwear next to me, I think I'd be a bit more adventurous with my hands. Next time, and I agree with the above poster, just grab him or start rubbing something other than his arm. If he doesn't get the clue, then he's a total dumbass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks... I'm concerned though that doing anything that "aggressive" will have them jumping out the window. They're already telling me that they feel intimidated/shy/nervous. Wouldn't leaping on them just scare them to death? What is with guys being so nervous these days? I feel funny reminiscing about the "olden days" - I'm only 33 - but in days past, guys would make the first move. The only thing I can think of in this case is that the guys aren't interested. How could, "Yes, come to my place, I'll cook you dinner, let's go to bed, I'll just take off my clothes and be right here next to you" be interpreted as anything other than as a "You are cleared for landing!" message to a guy?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 You could just be finding guys that are intimidated by girls who take the reigns so to speak. Try adding alcohol into your mix. That'll take some of the thinking out of the guy's mind. It's tough to say why the guys in your case are sort of gun shy. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks... I'm concerned though that doing anything that "aggressive" will have them jumping out the window. They're already telling me that they feel intimidated/shy/nervous. Wouldn't leaping on them just scare them to death? What is with guys being so nervous these days? I feel funny reminiscing about the "olden days" - I'm only 33 - but in days past, guys would make the first move. The only thing I can think of in this case is that the guys aren't interested. How could, "Yes, come to my place, I'll cook you dinner, let's go to bed, I'll just take off my clothes and be right here next to you" be interpreted as anything other than as a "You are cleared for landing!" message to a guy?!?! Are you serious? Sometimes you just have to make the first move or else you'll end up just sleeping. I would love for a guy to jump my bones while I'm in their bed. I love aggressiveness. I don't know what kind of men you're dating, but next time one of them do invite you back to their place, just make the first moves. You can then have breakfast in bed the next morning. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 are you sure these guys are'nt gay? you sound like a great lady,can't figure these guys out. i say just jump their bones. if they freak out,oh well their loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 That is puzzling. How many men has this happened with? One - he could just really like you, 2, it could be a coincidence. three, now we've got a trend going on. While I agree that jumping on them is for the boldest amongst us, do you encourage them? Kiss? caress? cuddle? smile? coo? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 you are not married, why did you say "let's go to bed"? sounds like a 80 years old would say, who are so familar with her husband, and let's do the routine thing and consider it is lucky, you don't even know them well, why do you sleep with them? after sex you may feel deep bond with him while he won't. why do you create unnecessary dramas? Link to post Share on other sites
spiracles Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Thanks... I'm concerned though that doing anything that "aggressive" will have them jumping out the window. They're already telling me that they feel intimidated/shy/nervous. Wouldn't leaping on them just scare them to death? seriously?! i assume he's laying belly-up next to you, so just roll over and mount the ****er. couldn't be any simpler. if that doesn't work they are either playing for the other team or there is something horribly wrong with you. ... or maybe they're just *ahem* under-equipped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Wow - okay lots of questions!!! Will go through each of them because I appreciate you guys helping me figure out what's going on here. [WTRanger] Yes, alcohol has been consumed in about half these situations. Not enough to explain why a guy may not be able to consummate an act, but enough to act as a social lubricant. [papercut] Yeah, I'd like a guy to make a move on me, too; that's why I'm trying to figure out how to encourage him to do so rather than jumping him. I don't want to jump some guy who's not interested in me. [mark982] I don't think they're gay. They're expressing an interest in me, approaching me, asking for my number, asking me out, spending time with me etc. They've had girlfriends before. One of them, after not having sex with me for the months we dated (before I broke up with him), has slept with about a dozen other chicks - so he's into chicks and into sex, just not into sex with me. Also, I like that you think I sound like a great lady even though all you know about me is that I cook and wear pretty underthings. [Kamille] Four. FOUR guys. In just over a year. How bad is that? So yeah, it's a pattern. That's why I'm asking for help here. I *think* I encourage them. I caress, as mentioned above - some light touching or stroking of arm. Hugging, yes. Kissing - I don't initiate because I feel like if a guy's interested, he'll do that. I definitely smile. I do the eye contact thing. I feel like I'm making the appropriate physical signs that I'm interested and open to him making a move. [Lovelybird] I can't remember exactly what I said, but we'd been up talking 'til 2.30am and he had to be at work at 7.30am, so yeah, we needed to "go to bed" whether it be for sleep or ... whatever. And while I've been talking about "sex" in this post, I'm not really itching for "sex" itself. Physical activity, though - I feel like after a couple of dates, particularly when the guys want to stay over, it's weird when there's no hugging, holding, kissing, making out, etc. So I'm not trying to have sex with someone on the first or second date - but their complete lack of any physical approach makes me think they're not interested in me "that way." [spiracles] I think the above answers all the points in your very concise posting! So........ any other suggestions of what I might be doing wrong or could be doing? And spiracles - what else might be the "something horribly wrong" with me? What've I missed? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I understand you feel upset about doubt if you are attractive enough, but you are doing it completely WRONG. You have to respect yourself, that is sexy, you have to feel pecious about yourself, that is sexy, you have to be true to yourself and your goal (if your goal is to find real love), that is sexy but what you were doing weren't sexy. You have to know what a human or man really want (deep down in their hearts, about their dreams and ultimate purpose of life), before that you have to know yourself well. and a man needs much more than just sex Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Ok, please forgive me if this sounds rude, I'm assuming you're fairly certain there isn't a bad breath or body odor issue? I'm wondering if one of the reasons the guy feel intimidated is because it happens too soon after first meeting you... Who leads the way to the bedroom? Do they or do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Ok, please forgive me if this sounds rude, I'm assuming you're fairly certain there isn't a bad breath or body odor issue? haha!! No, that's a great question. Um... Geez, I hope not. I don't think so. I'll step up the hygiene just to make sure, but I don't think it's an odor problem. It's not like the guys run away. They stay there, they stay in bed with me. They want to see me again. They just don't want to... do anything. Maybe it is happening too soon... In this most recent case, which was the 2nd time I'd seen the guy, he came over late (he finished work at 9pm, so he had a shower and was at my place by 9.30pm). We had dinner and talked 'til 2.30am, then I suggested he either go home or that he was welcome to stay, but either way, we needed to get some rest before he had to be at work at 7.30. He said he'd like to stay "if it wasn't imposing." (Also, perhaps I should add, prior to this meeting he'd been sending me lots of flirty, suggestive texts about keeping one another warm at night in bed, blah blah.) So I led the way to the bedroom, both verbally and physically. Maybe it was too soon to expect anything physical... but - not even a good night kiss?? Link to post Share on other sites
CuteCumsBer Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Are you serious? Sometimes you just have to make the first move or else you'll end up just sleeping. I would love for a guy to jump my bones while I'm in their bed. I love aggressiveness. I don't know what kind of men you're dating, but next time one of them do invite you back to their place, just make the first moves. You can then have breakfast in bed the next morning. I have to agreed with paper Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Maybe it was too soon to expect anything physical... but - not even a good night kiss?? Nope, you have violated woman code. too soon and too agressive Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 It could be something as simple as too much scent in combined body products. Keep in mind that most cosmetics, moisturizers, shampoo, conditioner, perfume, literally EVERYTHING, has a scent. Maybe some clash in some way? It's also possible they're not getting any sexual energy from you or too much, too soon. Physical attraction is a strange thing, in that it's reliant on cues from both the man and the woman. There's a timing that no one can force. Are you meeting these guys online? If so, is it possible that you come across completely differently in text, than in person? This isn't unusual from what I've read about online dating on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I'm going to add a different perspective. What is your image? are you an extremely "good girl" type that they would feel guilty about it? Especially if you want to get physical early? It might be somewhat unexpected or feel uneasy if you're all wearing your hair in a bun, a long skirt, never swears and then wanna get with them on the third date. Link to post Share on other sites
Sephirothh Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Its easy and I am afraid its going to get worse for women in these situations as time goes on.....the reason being is that women have too much power over men now in so many aspects and have really just eaten into mens minds on what they should do.... this has gotten to the point where men are getting intimidated or overthinking because now a days there is no win/win situation no more unless your fully sure the girl is into you (you fail for trying and are a pig if you do, but damned if you don't and are considered a prude).............the cure is simple, if women want to be the man in the relationship then theyre going to start having to act like the man in the relationship.....in which the role reversal has already started to change Face it, you keep hearing more and more stories about this becuz the balance between men and women is sooooo in favor of the women for everything where men are just feeling afraid to the point where they don't know what to do in certain situations, well the women gotta either babysit it, build their confidence, or plain and simply take charge and learn to have fun taking charge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 What is your image? Good question, and I really don't know how to answer it. Hmm.... I guess I'm average - nothing extreme. No piercings (not even ears). Show a bit of cleavage when dressing but nothing crazy revealing/provocative. I'm independent - single, working, live alone. I'm 33 and these guys are younger (23-30). They're approaching me - I'm not seeking out younger guys. I'm fairly intellectual, but I know how to have fun - for example, during my evening with this guy recently, we were looking up stupid bug videos on YouTube. I agree with Seph that things are getting confusing. I have some sympathy for the guys. I guess I still feel (and this is probably girl insecurity coming through) that if a guy were keen, he'd at least go for a kiss. And if he doesn't, it means he's not interested. But it's entirely possible that in this PARTICULAR case, I'm just moving too fast. I think maybe I've been trying/hoping for more with this guy because of things not happening with the previous guys. (I want some assurance I'm not completely hideous.) It's also a bit weird because I met this guy in a bar, and - oh, no one has time for all the backstory - but it was like we started with this "hook up" vibe and then got to talking, and I think what could have been a random encounter has changed, and he's asking me out, not making moves, wanting to spend time with me, wanting to go see nice scenery... Maybe I should just chill out and stop obsessing about physical stuff with him. It's early days. Does anyone think I should just ask him what's going on in his mind? or better just carry on, light & fun? Link to post Share on other sites
Sephirothh Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 ok here it goes you just answered your own question your older, these guys are expecting you too take charge....and there kinda right but let me tell you something...first off there is nothing wrong with a women taking charge, 2nd off the hardest part of anything is getting it started it always has been and always will. Your 33 they are younger they come to you because you have something they want, when you just sit there in bed they think you don't want to give them anything and that they have failed. We younger guys think you older women have this sexual crave since women peak sexually around your age.......... AND if you don't want to do that, THEN TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT, ask them if they want to take it slow, remember communication is BIG it will at least get both of you on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Okay, I appreciate your response. I think you've got a good grasp on this modern male/female dynamic that's going on. So which do you think is better? In the past, with one guy, I tried the talking thing. He'd been here before, and got freaked out, and we had our little sleepover, and in the morning he went home. And then later I invited him over, and asked what he had in mind - like, did he just want us to hook up, or be friends, or take it slow, or...? And he seemed so scared just by the question, he was really eager to get out of there. This was a guy who INITIATED physical contact with me, started kissing, etc - and stopped just short of sex. In that case, communication didn't seem to work. Or maybe I went about it the wrong way. So which is the best bet? I like this guy, I'd like to get to know him more. I don't want to scare him off. It seems like either talking with him or jumping him could scare him off. What would you recommend? I'll be seeing him again tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Are you meeting these guys online? If so, is it possible that you come across completely differently in text, than in person? No, these are all guys I'm meeting in person. All except the most recent one were at mutual friends' parties, so they're not even like completely random bar hook-ups. I'm worried that if I make the first move, even if the guy responds, I'll never know if he's actually interested in me, or if he's just opportunistically enjoying that a girl is coming onto him. The distinction is important to me; I think this is why girls (generally) like guys to make the first move. (Remember this, guys!) Link to post Share on other sites
Sephirothh Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 easy he stopped short of sex you should have kept him going and took charge, becuz he prolly thought he was violating you...first things first he at least respects you and that is BIG now a days so you already have a clear cut advantage. and to answer your question Im sorry I should have made it more clear, do not try and communicate with guys who initiate contact i only meant that as guys who didn't do nothing as you stroked their arm. But in his case, if this happens again with the guy u like do not say it in a serious tone....say it in a playful tone, playful playful...set him at ease he will not feel as uncomfortable you see him tommorow go with the flow, invite him over again first open up with a simple massage and ur bed or couch...wear something hott, your going to have to put a little more hottness into this date wear your best perfume and look your absolute best.....always try and top the 2nd time around...... this is the most important date and will set the tone....and be a little more aggresive yourself when it starts getting hott he should initiate after the massage if he doesn't then start massaging him and get close to him, once you get as far as you 2 did the first time, turn it up and TAKE CHARGE then bingo you should seal the deal. there also will be a time when more girls will have to be forced to make the first move and will have to adapt to this Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Okay, thanks - Sounds like good advice. I'll see how it goes tomorrow and will report back. Link to post Share on other sites
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