2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Posted October 20, 2003 Been w/ him 3 yrs but he has a 4month old from someone else. Post: 1 | Quote: I've been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. Last year we broke up for a few months, though out the 3 yrs we've had many off/on episodes. Well during this breakup in particular he messed around with a young girl (17) and she ended up pregnant. He is now 22 and I'm 24, he didn't tell me of this until after we had gotten back together and she came around claiming to be pregnant w/ his kid. He didn't think it was his at first cause they only messed around a few times and never had a relationship plus she had a boyfriend, he claimed that was the reason he didn't tell me earlier. This girl is really after him now and wants him to take responsibility but he is so scared of loosing or even upsetting me that he is full blown avoiding her, he says he told her to have an abortion and he doesn't want to deal with this now. I'm confused because I really love him and he is great with my daughter who is 8. I haven't been with anyone else since I met him and I'd feel lost with out him. I'm trying to figure out if I can accept this or not, I kind of want him to take responsibility for his actions but then I don't want to deal with this girl at the same time. As horrible as it may sound I see her as a dumb little girl who also should have known better. I my self was 16 when I had my daughter but I was in a 3yr relationship with her father before we got pregnant, we broke up 2yrs after that and I've been a single mother since. I just have absalutely no pitty for her! I have never been the type of girl to sleep around or have a one night stand and I really do not understand girls who do. I also don't think that it is fair how when a woman decides to have an abortion a man has no say but when a man advices the woman in advance that he cannot and does not want to have a child he has no say in whether she has it or not but yet is expected to take full responsibility afterwards.....talk about a double standard! He didn't want it, he warned her a head of time but she still had it and now she is all over him about it, had he wanted and she did not no one could have forced her to have it but yet he is being forced to accept this and I'm in the middle without a clue how to handle any of it. I feel as if his mistake has ruined our relationship but I love him too much to leave him yet. By no means do I blame this all on this little girl, he played his part in it too but I feel like he advised her before and after that they had no relationship and even advised her to talk to her family about it and told her he couldn't go through with it. She didn't even get medical attention until she was well into her 8th month. I'm mad at him and I'm not sure if I can accept a baby that was the result of his mistake, his infidelity. How do I say we've been together 3yrs but he has a 4 month old from someone else. Is there any hope?
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 20, 2003 Posted October 20, 2003 2Confused4thought, you are living up to your moniker. Here are some clear thoughts that you may want to slide in one ear just to see if they "take": * Your boyfriend lied to you * He took gross sexual advantage of a minor child * He (most likely) made the minor child pregnant (but ask for a paternity determination if you wish) * He is the father of a 4 month old child, who has the legal and moral right to financial support from him for the next 18 years * It will be awkward and embarrassing for you to acknowledge your boyfriend's child and see the child's mother in your boyfriend's life, if only to collect support checks * Your boyfriend is not a victim of a "dumb little girl", the way you see him * He is a perpetrator * He is irresponsible and heartless * There's no way he can be "great" with your 8 year old daughter, given his attitude towards young girls * It is likely in the future that more "dumb little girls" will victimize him by "forcing sex on him" and "getting themselves pregnant" Is there hope? Not for a happy life for you and your daughter with this individual. Quit blaming the girl. She's already paid plenty for her mistakes.
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Posted October 21, 2003 Well, I have alredy posted to this one but will do so again. I don't agree with you, ArdeaCandidissima. Of course, it takes two to "make a baby", and I'm not saying that the chap is innocent. But, let's face it, if a guy can't be bothered to look after a baby and its mother (which I assume after messing around with someone is the case), the mother is ALONE. I'm not saying that is fair from the guy's side, but he does after all have the chance to run away, at least emotionally. Therefore, why not protect yourself better as a girl????!!!! You will be the one responsible, you (as a girl) will be the one explaining to your child that your dad can't be ars..d to see it etc. I am ABSOLUTELY sure that most teenage girls out there, who get pregnant have this romantic story in their head of having a baby and who think the father will be thrilled. Yes, there can be unwanted pregnancy. But looking at the safety of the pill, for example, there are just too many "unwanted" pregnancies. I have a very big circle of friends, we are all in our late twenties. NONE of us/them has got pregnant, because they just don't want to. Yes, the girl will probably have a ****ty life, etc. But to a very high percentage, that is her own fault by being so stupid and not thinking about the consequences. Fact is, single mothers have it hard - so don't run the danger of becoming one and if you do - please don't whinge about it! You CANNOT force a one-night-stand to love you and look after you and feel happy about it. Guys: I'm Swiss and maybe a bit harsh about it all. We have no proper insurance for single mothers in Switzerland. Quality of living is very high and you can always do quite well, no matter what you do. If you are a single mother, though, you are doomed to poverty, the government does not look after you. Fact is: we don't have the phenomon of teenage single mothers; just not existant. Now, look at Germany, where currently every young girl, who doesn't want to work gets pregnant. They get quite a nice amount of money, housing, household help etc. And, Germany has a MASSIVE number of teenage pregnant girls, and women who just drop baby after baby, and let the government look after them. Can the pill and condoms be that much more effective in Switzerland?? I doubt it! I don't know what the situation in the US is. (how much the father has to pay etc) Therefore, excuse me for jumping to conclusions about this 17year old girl's intentions.
Layla Posted October 21, 2003 Posted October 21, 2003 I do have my own experience with this, as my ex-boyfriend (after we split up) messed around with a girl. They saw each other about 3 times. She got pregnant (of course reassuring him that she was on the pill). Yes, he was stupid to sleep with her without protection but he was so upset about me dumping him that he went through a few months in his life where he sort of didn't care. I think they used condoms, but weren't very serious about it. When she told him, that she was pregnant, he found out that she had massive debt, no education etc. He says with absolute certainty that she would not have got pregnant if she had a job etc. My Ex-boyfriend is very rich and comes from an excellent background. His parents have already opened an account for the baby's further studies. And my boyfriend looks after the baby very well, but doesn't like the mother. So, this chick was lucky, it all went well. It could have gone bad. But what she has really reached is more money that she could have ever imagined for her child but no respect for those people who HAD to bail her out.
Author 2Confused4thought Posted October 21, 2003 Author Posted October 21, 2003 ArdeaCandidissima I do admit love is blind in many ways but by far am I overlooking the child predator that you paint #1 this girl is 17 (adult under the US law) #2 he was only 21 when this took place and believe it or not thats not abnormal. I say she is a "little girl" becuase I am 24 and compared to me she is! #3 He does realize that something has to be done and that's why he is stressing it. Anyway, I've got an update: Last night I found out a little bit about little "Miss 17", word around the neighboorhood is that she is very well known by the guys and that my boyfriend was by far the first to lay her in fact her home is known as the "hang out" where guys and girls go to drink. So My boyfriend was brought there by a freind of his and being that him and I where not together (I had kicked him out our home a couple weeks earlier) she was the an easy target who by the way lied about her age. Even know she admits that it was a "fling"! Tell me what kind of little girl knows about "flings"....get real! So now we doubt he is the father even more and are even less willing to deal with her. Again I am not justifying his actions, he is paying the price for his mistake by having to deal with this issue and believe me that to him that's a lot. If he was any other jerk this wouldn't even be an issue.
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