shorty36 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Here is my dilemma. I was dating a guy for 7 months and things were perfect. Out of the blue he said he is not ready to be in a committed relationship & doesn't know if & when he will ever be ready to get married. Now I had never mentioned marriage & wasn't thinking about it since we had only been seeing each other for a short time but something freaked him out. He was married for 18 years, divorced for 2 and has kids. He said he was scared but I told him fear is not a reason to end something so great, he agreed & after a few day, things were back to normal we were all hanging out, having fun & enjoying each other. Than 3 months later it happens again, no warning, everything great, no talk of marriage. He told me I was everything he wanted in a girl but he couldn't stop the hurt of a 20 year relationship & the loss of his family from trickling into our relationship. He said he'd rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and happy. So we broke up. I miss him and the kids terribly (the kids love me by the way) so I texted him last night just to say HI & it turned into a "lets be friends with benefits" thing. IS this possible? He hasn't been to great with the "friends" part over the last 6 weeks but perks up when it comes to the benefits part. I am tempted thinking that if we can hang out and have fun like we used to that he'll decided being with me is better than feeling sorry for himself and being alone. I don't think he wants to date anyone else and I told him I would have to keep my options open since eventually I want to be in a real relationship, he said it hurts him to think about it but he understands. I want it to be him but I'm trying to give him space but I want him/us to have fun to. I don't want it to be out of sight out of mind. What do I do? Is there anyway to help him come around? I just don't want to keep getting hurt. We've always been friends and he was the one who advanced us the whole time we were together & I really don't think any of his current issues have anything to do with me as he's been very honest with me, from what I can tell. Advice?
CaliGuy Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I'll give you the same reply I give EVERYONE who thinks that a "FWB" relationship is a good idea: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?!" In other words, if he's using you only for sex and doesn’t want to progress the relationship, then by denying him sex, you'll have your answer. If you deny him sex, then he has to make a decision. "Do I really want her in a relationship or not?" and make an adjustment from there. Honestly, if you deny him sex and he walks away, that's a good thing. At least you don't have to wonder and degrade yourself to someone's sex toy any longer. Cheers.
BCCA Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 said he is not ready to be in a committed relationship & doesn't know if & when he will ever be ready to get married And you are, so - BYE! Seriously, why did you even keep listening after that? I'm a guy, and that burns me up. And CaliGuy is right on, if you put out without a relationship, ALL you'll EVER have is a FWB. It doesnt go from commitment, to FWB, and back to commitment. FWB is a demotion in relationship status, and as long as youre sleeping with him without a commitment, he'll never give you one...why would he? He's getting what he wants without it, and can leave at any time. Also, FWB are usually short lived. As soon as he meets someone else, he'll be gone. Dont tolerate this, do EXACTLY what CaliGuy said, and you'll have your answers.
Author shorty36 Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 I hear what you guys are saying and I get it. My confusion comes in because I am not ready and was not asking him for marriage or a "committed" relationship. But I guess it all depends on everyone's definition of commitment. Yes we said we wouldn't date other people but he's not saying he wants to see other people now. He some how got it in his head that I had to be marriage to be happy and though I want to be married someday, I don't know when or if he was even the right guy so I wasn't bringing it up. I wasn't there with him. Now he says he needs time to heal from the past relationship and I understand that 20 years is a long time but we were having fun, all was good, I just want that back. He got scared and backed out because for some reason he thinks it better to wollow in self pity then to continue something with me and possibly be happy. I know he's hurting and he's been honest with me so that's good. I definitely don't want to be the cow but if we don't want to date other people I just don't get it. He sends a lot of mixed messages so that doesn't help either. He was so happy and then life hit him (work, kids, exwife) and he shut down and it's hard for me to process but I do want to do the right thing, you know?
Summerday Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I think he wants the best of both worlds. You need to be strong and walk away. If you end up hurt again, you're going to have to blame yourself.
BCCA Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I hear what you guys are saying and I get it. My confusion comes in because I am not ready and was not asking him for marriage or a "committed" relationship. But I guess it all depends on everyone's definition of commitment. Yes we said we wouldn't date other people but he's not saying he wants to see other people now. He some how got it in his head that I had to be marriage to be happy and though I want to be married someday, I don't know when or if he was even the right guy so I wasn't bringing it up. I wasn't there with him. Now he says he needs time to heal from the past relationship and I understand that 20 years is a long time but we were having fun, all was good, I just want that back. He got scared and backed out because for some reason he thinks it better to wollow in self pity then to continue something with me and possibly be happy. I know he's hurting and he's been honest with me so that's good. I definitely don't want to be the cow but if we don't want to date other people I just don't get it. He sends a lot of mixed messages so that doesn't help either. He was so happy and then life hit him (work, kids, exwife) and he shut down and it's hard for me to process but I do want to do the right thing, you know? Well, the problem is that he's left you with many unanswered questions, and youre making a common mistake in trying to fill in the blanks for him in a way that makes sense to YOU. Obviously, you really have no idea why he feels the way he does, or how he came to this conclusion. All you have to off are his actions. And let me tell you right here, right now - if youre not going to date other people, why isnt it a commited relationship? Thats the ONLY reason not to be in one, to keep your options open. I honestly think that people only 'agree' not to date other people because they get from you that YOU arent going to date other people, so they know they always have a fallback. You may not have wanted to be married tomorrow, but I'm sure you didnt want to be an F buddy, either. Those are great, and serve their purpose, but not really flattering to know that all you are to someone else is a way to get laid. Its also completely disrespectful for anyone to ask you to go along with that situation, too.
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