purescorns Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 dear all, i've posted this in the LDR section, too - but i think this story fits the break/breakup context better. this is a long story, so thanks in advance for your patience. the road has gotten pretty bumpy between my boyfriend and me. in december 2008, after two months of a very intense relationship (we met a bar, hooked up two days later, and both said we wanted to go steady 3 days after) he went on a cruise ship as an entertainer. the distance really got to us. he didn't call very often, couldn't use the internet - and when our plan to get me on board for 2 weeks didn't work out (and i decided to meet him in singapore, phuket and dubai) things got really bad. he said he didn't want me to fly out to him, because he'd be stressed and bitchy and wouldn't have time for me and i would be miserable. i went through with it -- and he was right. we had already gotten too estranged to enjoy a 'reunion' of only a couple of hours. we met in singapore, there was no intimacy whatsoever and i cried like a baby and bitched like a mofo. i tried to meet him in phuket coupla days later, he couldn't get off the ship. we tried to meet in dubai, but his phone didn't work - he didn't know i was coming and wasn't on the ship when i got there. i waited for 3 hours until he was back and had 30 minutes to spare before he had to go to rehearsals. that trip almost broke us up, but he and i thought about it and came to the conclusion that we wanted to try to save our relationship once he was back. now he's back and things are even worse. he had already told me on the phone before that he would need time - time to 'find himself' again, because he had never been alone on that ship for 4 friggin months. but 'alone time' isn't the only issue we have. when we met for the first time after our unfortunate reunions abroad, he didn't even kiss me. we hugged for ages, held hands, went to a concert together - and right after he told me he had to go see his family. (which i totally understand). of course, i couldn't let it go and asked why he didn't even want to kiss me. he said that he just couldn't be "lovey-dovey" with me right now. that he needed space. that he couldn't be the kind of boyfriend he used to be right now, because the ship really got to him. time alone and with his family was what he needed to 'recover'. and my being whiney, clingy and needy was destroying everything. and i mean, he's right --- his behavior has put me in a position i'm not comfortable with - normally i'm not the crazy type who'll get all obsessive and stalker-ish. but in the past few months, his (apparent) lack of care has caused me to put even more pressure on him. "let's go back to dating", he said. "let's take things slow. i'm sure we'll make it." of course i asked him whether this was actually code for wanting to break up, he said no - he said he wanted to try really hard - because after all, we used to have a very special connection. you have to imagine, i'm talking about a guy who used to send me 10 texts a day with the cutest, cheesiest stuff. "i'll never leave you, wherever i may go. what we have is so special and i will fight like a lion for it". yeah right. problem is, i have the feeling that i've already done so much for this guy. i have flown around the world for him (even though he didn't want me to, still, i think it's a very romantic gesture), i have waited for him, i didn't even look at other guys, i've put up with all his crap, the rare phone calls, the way he treated me in singapore, phuket and dubai... and now less than the bare minimum should be enough for me - at least for a while? the other problem is... i really love this guy. i have waited 28 years to meet someone who'd sweep me off my feet the way he did. he is the love of my life. he can be so sweet, so caring, he's the hottest man on earth, so beautiful, one look is enough and i'm in heat ;-) --- the sex is AMAZING... or used to be... but now he didn't come home in one piece. he's broken. sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with an ex-con or someone who'd been to iraq. it was a cruise ship, for f*s sakes, with old people, mambo lessons and crappy musical shows!!! but then of course, never being alone for 4 months can surely get to you. i'm seriously considering a break up, but just the thought of doing so kills me. i love him so much --- and i know that deep down he loves me too. otherwise he would already have ended it. no contact for me now ? at least for a while? or should i give him even more space than he needs and leave? this is killing me - and i haven't cried that much in years. and i hate to sound pathetic. i'm usually a pretty positive, optimistic and happy guy. --- oh, and a note for all you kind people who're gonna answer to this... please don't refer to him as 'a-hole', 'total jerk' ... only i am allowed to do so ;-) xxxpurescornsxxx
Ronni_W Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Wouldn't dream of calling him an 'a-hole, total jerk' -- he's not acting like that at all! sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with an ex-con or someone who'd been to iraq. it was a cruise ship, for f*s sakes, with old people, mambo lessons and crappy musical shows!!! Does it not seem that, FOR HIM, on some level, he may as well have been in prison or Iraq? There is a disconnect between what he ACTUALLY experienced and how you perceive what he "should have" experienced (or however exactly you're looking at it.) He has a bit of PTSD after being on a cruise ship for 4 months. As unsatisfactory or "insane" as that may be for you, where is the empathy and compassion? problem is, i have the feeling that i've already done so much for this guy. i have flown around the world for him (even though he didn't want me to, still, i think it's a very romantic gesture) You go AGAINST what you know he wants (which is your "right", I suppose)...but then you want him to be all pleased and grateful about your having disrespected HIS wants. Say what? This is the same relationship dynamic/pattern as above -- you appear to want YOUR wants and perceptions and "shoulds" to trump his own goals, needs and feelings. his behavior has put me in a position i'm not comfortable with It is YOUR REACTION to his behaviour that led to your own feelings of not acting according to your own values and principles. He had poor phone and internet service. He had a hectic schedule. What would you have had him do differently, and how was he supposed to pull-off whatever you determine(d) he "should have"? "let's go back to dating", he said. "let's take things slow. i'm sure we'll make it." What part of you is preventing this from seeming like a really good solution? Assuming that he STILL wants to try and "make it" with you, what would be the harm/downside in giving him the space that he needs, and some understanding, and asking him how you can help make this OBVIOUSLY difficult (FOR HIM) transition from sea back to land?
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