broken_promises Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I posted a while back about my realization that I'm with a commitment phobe. I've been with him for just over three years. He is 36 and I am 33. I am his longest relationship. Long story short, there have been multiple broken promises throughout the relationship about moving closer to school for me. I told him about a year ago (and a few times since) that I don't see us being together once I start grad school because of this. I am graduating at the end of May and was planning on leaving him sometime over the summer because I begin grad school in the fall. I am not good at ending relationships... I always seem to wait too long and then the other person beats me to the punch. So, this time I was hoping for the strength to leave first. However, he has recently started using Facebook to connect with old friends from his high school and college days. Now I find that he is becoming close with someone who, for all appearances, is exactly like I was when we met. I just can't handle watching him feel all excited about these new prospects of women/people/life while I am still here. I just hate the feeling that he has been biding his time with me for our entire relationship simply because he had no way of connecting with people. The house that he bought is away from the few friends he has and he works from home. Now that he has this way of contacting people from his past, I feel like he is trying to recapture some fantasy version of himself. I know this is ending so it's not like I'm surprised. I just had a lot of hope for this relationship in the beginning. (He is the type of commitment phobe who lays it on REAL thick for the first few months about getting married and you're unlike anyone he's ever met, etc. etc.) So, it is hard to stop hearing those early promises even though none of them ever came true. And I know that leaving is the best thing for me to get on with my life. It's going to be hard enough to break up and I just wish I didn't also have to deal with the drama of feeling like he might be falling for someone else while I'm still here. Ugh. Thanks for listening. Heidi
Sonic_chaos Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 wow, now thats quite weird us knowing that your going to break up with him before he does.. I think the best thing for you to do is tell him not us. I also had a phase going through facebook getting to know old friends from school and stuff and its cool, but it soon wears off and obviously he is with you for a reason. isnt he? Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Why do people just make assumptions. Communicate with him.. Yes he might have commitment issues, but at least give him a chance. Maybe you have alreay given him enough chances, that i cant tell apart from how you sound writing it down. Sounds like you have had enough of the broken promises he has been giving you.. I know people can change, maybe he needs to go see someone about it. Or you just need to tell him that if you dont sort yourself out with our relationship then its coming real soon. I havent got my chance to right my wrongs with my ex yet, i hope she does realise we are worth a second shot.. altho im still holding out for that, i doubt it will come.. *3 months on a break and 1 month on breaking up* I cant imagine my ex actually planning months down the line that on that day she would break up with me, its calculated and callus i think personaly. But i dont know the situation so please forgive me for that.. I just know its not right. In fact, that is almost as bad as him with this promises. Stringing him along. Lay it on the table and then decide from there if its going to go any where.
Author broken_promises Posted May 4, 2009 Author Posted May 4, 2009 Hi Sonic... thanks for the reply. As you can imagine, this is a long and drawn out story with lots of complications. The truth is that I don't want to break up with him. I'm actually very sad and upset about it. I really do love him and wanted to, as he always said in the beginning, "build a life together." It must sort of seem callous or like I am stringing him along, but in reality, he has been the one stringing me along for years now. I have tried talking to him many, many times and he either avoids it or makes indirect statements like "I think I could go the rest of my life without finding someone I want to spend my life with." He is seeing a counselor and has been on and off since his divorce years ago. I think that without directly working on the fear of commitment, though, he will just keep searching out the same women over and over. I think that, deep down, he does want commitment and a life partner, but I think he is either too afraid of being trapped in a situation or once a relationship loses the initial feel-good phase, he thinks something is wrong and wants to start over. Most importantly, he doesn't want (although he claims he does) to deal with life as a couple. A "life together" is about making life decisions together and he doesn't want to do that. In the beginning, our plan was to move together when I started grad school. (He works from home so could move just about anywhere.) He has been aware that I could not go to grad school and continue to commute for about a year now. We have discussed that I would have to move for grad school. So, he could have broken it off long ago. Instead, I think we have just been using it as the end point... no need to rock the boat until it's time to leave for grad school. So, that's the point we are at. And, despite how cold I may sound, I'm doing my best to stick to my self-preservation while, inside, my heart is breaking because I really wanted to be moving for grad school together.
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