BetrayedMama Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Well, you know, I believed him. I freaking believed him. Oh, I can't even type without shaking. He started going to therapy for his online singles sites addictions, sex addiction, whatever the crap it is. I knew he wasn't taking it seriously. He wont tell me anything aboutit. Well, I did a bad (but necessary) thing. I registered myself a fake email and commmunicated w/ him this morning because I KNEW something was up. HE wrote right back to me flirting and told me to use what he called his "shhhh--secret account". Then he started asking me what I wanted to do and what did I "have in mind"...I am continuing to be HER right now, waiting for his SICK ASS reply. I hate my life. I hate him. I hate me. I am so sad I could die right now. My poor, wonderful children. Oh, please someone, what do i do? Why did I put myself into this trap? Please help me, I am losing my mind.
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Keep up the emailing, get him to book a hotel room, and tell him you will meet him in the room... won't he get a shock? And that will prove he was up for SEX not just the flirting stuff if he actually pitches up there. Listen, he will never stop. Not for you, not for anyone. You need to at least speak to a lawyer about your legal options. Clearly he is not husband material. You have to let him go, in order to start living a sane life.
greengoddess Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I am so sorry. I can just hear him now when you try to confront him. " It was all fake. I knew it was you all alnog..."
Author BetrayedMama Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 I am going to meet him right now at a restaurant. God help me.
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Yes -- BMama, be prepared for him to talk $hit... because you will NOT get him to admit he hasn't changed, will not, cannot... he will 'say' whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep the status quo. Please please please do not try intellectually argue this point with him -- he is after instant bodily gratification. I suppose the only way to 'catch him' is to hire a hooker to wait for him in the hotel room, and you in the closet... sigh... such Drama required to catch him in the act... puke... Or, hire a detective to trail him and get photos of him hooking up with OW. If that is what you really need - PROOF beyond his pathetic lies to 'get out of it'... then do one of those two things... do not expect him to start talking truths to you -- I highly doubt he has EVER done that with you in your entire relationship! You were just naive and clueless. Now change that.
2sure Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Unless BS have tangible, not just verbal , consequences that affect them more than you - they will not change their behavior because they still perceive their actions as basically harmless. In other words, right now - the only victim is YOU, the only problem is YOURS. Its tough when your talking about virtual infidelity, not even an on line EA because you are limited to the actions you can take to an "ad". He needs to give complete transparency regarding his on line activity. Since he has already found a way around that via a secret account - NO MORE COMPUTER or a KEYLOG record of his activity. Thats if you want to stay with him. Also effective would be to show him you are done with this. Toss him out. That would be a tangible consequence to him.
Owl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 BM, please expect him to take the standard WS tactic here....you may have already left, but I hope that you read this and realize just how standard it is. I'm going to bet that when you get there, he's going to be shocked and dismayed...and then he's going to claim that he knew it was you the whole time, and did this to set you up for spying on him. We've seen this same story told tons of times here when people are busted like this. I'm willing to bet you get the EXACT same attempt at gaslighting back on you.
Mino Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Yes -- BMama, be prepared for him to talk $hit... because you will NOT get him to admit he hasn't changed, will not, cannot... he will 'say' whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep the status quo. Please please please do not try intellectually argue this point with him -- he is after instant bodily gratification. I suppose the only way to 'catch him' is to hire a hooker to wait for him in the hotel room, and you in the closet... sigh... such Drama required to catch him in the act... puke... Or, hire a detective to trail him and get photos of him hooking up with OW. If that is what you really need - PROOF beyond his pathetic lies to 'get out of it'... then do one of those two things... do not expect him to start talking truths to you -- I highly doubt he has EVER done that with you in your entire relationship! You were just naive and clueless. Now change that.No, the way to catch him is to lure him to the Hotel room with her emails. She should book the room first, email him the time, place and room number. She should then go early and sit on the bed, he will walk in, she can then serve him his D papers on the spot...
bentnotbroken Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 BMom, I am so sorry:( are you sure you want to go through with this, he is just going to lie and hurt you more. I understand you need the confrontation, just be careful.
Author BetrayedMama Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 you were all right. he said he knew it was me all along...only troulbe is, he never met me...see, he called my cell phone first about the time he would have been leaving to meet "her", then he got a "clue" I wasn't home...because I answered my cell phone. See, he knows that I wouldn't leave today b/c I hurt my back and I have a 4 year old and newborn...when he called my cell and I answered (i was on my way) he was like "where are you?" I lied and said I was meeting a friend "don't you remember...?", I said and blah blah blah. It was THEN AND ONLY THEN that he caught on. That was my flaw. I messed it up by answering that damn cell phone en route. Then he played it off and said he was coming home early but had to stop somewhere first. I am sure I acted nervous on the phone. I am sure of it - my flaw. So then later, I get back home after not seeing him at the restaurant. And he had access to the computer at our house in the meantime as he beat me there, which I stupidly left on and exposed (the fake girl's email). And it was THEN he confronted ME and said I was a deceitful bitch and he "knew" it was me all along. I said then why did you talk to me that way and why did you lead me to a secret email account after "she" (I) wrote to you at work? Why did you act all flirty and ask me all sorts of questions to see what I was like and what I looked like. He said he could smell a trap a mile away. BULLCRAP. He is so full of it. There is no way if he knew it was me he would lead me to a secret email account that he purposely created for cheating! He would NEVER do that. I told him I knew he would say that. So in the end he has left ME just now, telling ME to F-off, and that I -me- am the worst most untrusting pathetic loser in the world. He said he hates me and that I am deceitful and that I am a f-ing whore and bi$#!.
Owl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Yep...exactly as I suspected, and posted even before you were back here. This is all classic wayward script. I hope that you're wise enough not to 'listen' to his comments about how he hates you yada yada yada yada...this is all just gaslighting. Nothing more at all. As I've said...he loves what he's doing more than he loves anything else...sadly, that includes you. Personally, I say file for divorce. There's no reconciliation or marriagebuilding with someone who's addicted. I know you're hurting...but don't let yourself fall for his blame games, please. What family/friends do you have to that you can turn to for emotional support right now?
Author BetrayedMama Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 I've got no one, owl...it is so complicated...where he does his "stuff" is at work...well, that workplace is where my dad hired him. My husband is the VP and my dad, the Pres. My husband is to take over the company someday. It is such a circle. My dad, I think, knows about it, but is 'afraid' to confront him about it for fear he will fight with my husband or that he will quit or something. I think my dad might only think he looks at porn though, not the "real person" singles sites. I can't tell my mom b/c she is a real spaz. And then she will tell my dad b/c she tells everyone everything and makes it about her. Sorry, but it is true. She loves gossip and she thrives on "stories" like this. She loves me a lot, but she would really go overboard and ruin my life. They have known him since he was 16 as you recall we are HS sweethearts. My mom never liked him. My sister also works at this place so I can't tell her anything - she is a huge gossip like my mom is. My dad thinks my husband is brilliant but is sort of scared of him (weird, I know but m y husband is an angry person...he was in Iraq and used to be a state trooper - you know the type)...complicated. I really don't have anyone to turn to. I fear divorce b/c of how long, expensive, and heartbreakign the process is for the kids and everyone. Then I even think about the small stuff- my personal training business which I run out of my home. I mean, what am I to do? What about our finances? I can't support my 3 babies and myself and my business in this large house in our perfect suburban neighborhood. What about everything? I don't want to share my kids. I don't want to lose my house. He has ruined our lives and has taken no ownership for it whatsoever. I just can't believe that he said he knew it was me. GOD! And- I am not even crying. Am I normal? What happened to me? I used to sob over everything 10 years ago. For years, he broke me down saying that I was an emotional wreck and a babbling idiot and I sounded like a cackling hen, etc. I think I have turned emotionless. It scares me. I am not the same anymore. I am so cold. I don't even know where to start to make this move forward. I don't even know in what direction. He continues to blame it on me. He says that going on those sites was NOT considered cheating in any way. He says he woudl never meet someone for real and that I need to get over it now. He said a divorce would be all on ME! All my fault. He said earlier that he was having a normal day and I planned a trap and the joke was on me. He said I need help and that I have always wanted rid of him. Um no, he has been doing this to me since before we were married (only I didn't find out until after we were married - he called 900 numbers from our apartment before we even moved in there - he would sneak there overnight and stay there and talk all night long to phone sex girls...I got the bills after we were married. he denied it for a long time) the list goes on. I am pathetic, aren't I? I am so sorry I am rambling, but I really have NO ONE.
Snowflower Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 BM - I think you should tell your family immediately: your parents and your sister. I think you will be very surprised how supportive they will probably be of you. Print out the emails or whatever communications your H has had with "you" and anything else you can find and show your family as proof of his indiscretions. Even if they do all work together (your husband, your dad and your sister), so what? It will make it awkward for your husband...good! As for your mom, she might just surprise you and be very supportive. I don't think she would gossip about her own daughter's marriage...even if it is only to save family pride. Most people don't like to "air their dirty laundry in public" even if they like to gossip about others. I understand what you are saying when you say your mom will make it all about her...I have a mom who is similar in that respect. But again, family is family and you said your mom has never really liked your husband so I think they will support you. I understand the financial implications of a divorce... but your husband has betrayed and then treated you like s***. I can't believe he called you the things that you posted. Good luck!
marlena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I fear divorce b/c of how long, expensive, and heartbreakign the process is for the kids and everyone What you should be thinking about is how long and heartbreaking your life will be if you stay with this man. His gaslighting you will drive you insane. Is he worth it? I know divorce is hard but I really do not see any other option. Unless you can turn your heart to stone and not care what he does. Somehow I don't think you are the type of woman who can do this.
playlislay Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 God hun, I really do feel for you. I was with a man like that, aaaall of his past relationships he had either cheated or set up like 15 dating accounts whilst he was with them all. He cheated on me (before I found out about his past) but it was early in the relationship and THEN i found out by using his common passwords (stupid man). It left me paranoid and kind of killed my self-esteem. I KNOW FOR A FACT that if we hadnt of broken up, we would have got married, had kids and I would be in your EXACT position. Its BS, complete and utter BS. And dont listen to his stupid remarks on how you are decietful-you have a right to be! And he can bloody talk!!!!! Geeze, some men are complete and utter twats!! They can lie until they are blue in the face! Sh*t heads. I know youre in a hard position and I assume youve tried to be understanding with his 'issue' which I do respect you for because I would have done the same. But I think you have proved that his therapy is not having an immediate effect, you could wait it out and see, but I dont think this man will change. You are now going to be constantly paranoid, checking his emails etc. Its not good for your mentality. As for getting a divorce-does it really matter how long it will take? It can be a stressfull and drawn out process but if thats what it takes then so be it. Good luck hun xx
Owl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 What do you really have to "lose" if your mom and your sister "gossip" about this? Who are they going to "gossip" to? So what if they do? It's not like YOU are doing anything wrong...HE is. I say tell your family, and ask them for the help here. Make it clear that this is totally destroying your relationship with your husband, you've fought and fought to put an end to this...but then he does what he did today. What do you actually stand to lose?
marlena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Yes, you should tell your family. This is a serious problem and you need help. They are your family. They will support you. Plus, he will be so embarassed. As he should be.
marlena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 He's a POS cheating, lying jackass! You will eventually be glad you're rid of him. This is so true. I never, ever thought back then when divorce loomed over me like a threat that one day I would be so glad to be rid of him!
marlena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 It is truly an incredibly liberating feeling to no longer have to care what the man in your life, who is making you SO miserable, is doing at any given time of day. Yes, it is. Sheer bliss! I worked hard to get here but it was well worth it.
Author BetrayedMama Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 but i feel like i will be sad for the rest of my life if i am alone...yes i am sad now, i know. but i am 30 and have been in love w him since age 15... why did he have to do this to me. sorry, holding a baby...typing w 1 hand.
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 but i feel like i will be sad for the rest of my life if i am alone...yes i am sad now, i know. but i am 30 and have been in love w him since age 15... why did he have to do this to me. No, you will not be sad for the rest of your life, and you will NOT be alone! Are you kidding?? Narcissistic people always choose the 'good' ones... the nice women, the good-looking ones... so I know the 'type' you are -- a good woman! You will find a nice man no problem! But that is not your concern right now. Right now, tell your family! You must NOT bear this alone! That is very isolating and in the end you will be shocked at what great lengths he goes to, to protect his facade/image and the lies he will tell all and sundry (including your family) about why your marriage broke down! So, you tell the family first. Everything. And you file for divorce. And you change the locks to your house. You are better off without him. You just don't know that yet.
Athena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 And I agree with you about his falling for your set up -- he wouldn't have given you that secret account, and of course now he is MAD at you for having 'won' in that you tricked him! It is a very wounding thing to a Narcissist. If you have to, yell at him to get him to back off. That works very well.
bentnotbroken Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 but i feel like i will be sad for the rest of my life if i am alone...yes i am sad now, i know. but i am 30 and have been in love w him since age 15... why did he have to do this to me. sorry, holding a baby...typing w 1 hand. Sweetie, I was in your exact situation. I had been with only one man my whole life. I thought I wouldn't survive. Not only have I survived, I have thrived. There are things that I do now that I never thought myself capable of doing. I let his opinions of me shape how I thought about myself. Honey, the devil is a liar. You will be happier than you can ever imagine, as long as you love yourself more than you him. He is destroying you piece by piece. There won't be anything left for you to give your children.
Lucky_One Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 personally, I would install a keylogger on your computer (and on the on at your dad's business) and find out the passwords to all his secret email and dating accounts. Then I would print all of it out and put it in a safe deposit box. I would visit about 10 shark divorce lawyers and set up a consult with each of them. Then XH can't use them, because of conflict of interest. And get someone mean and wicked and tough. Then I would tell my dad. Your dad is planning on leaving a family business to this jerk? Don't you think that is just plain WRONG to reward this man who is treating you like this? Tell your dad. Ask him to fire your a-hole husband. If your husband DIED tomorrow, he would be replaced in the company by someone else - or the company would be closed and the assets taken by the familyt shareholders - or the company would be sold. What a wanker. You do NOT deserve this!
marlena Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 If you have to, yell at him to get him to back off. That works very well. I had to laugh at this because it is so true. Narcissists are basically cowards.
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