gormley Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I've posted a few times before. I'm 41 was together with my wife for 10 years before marrying in Nov 2007. have two children and she moved out 2 months ago "wanting space, can't be herself, has lost intimacy" We had a holiday booked before the split which she eventually decided to come on and we got on very well considering the circumstance. She started off aloof, then irritable then was warm and friendly for the last 4 days with cuddling up on the sofa when the kids were asleep (nothing more). We got home and I was invited for dinner with the children the next day and it ripped out my heart to see them all together in a cosy warm house. I had to go back to an empty home. I made the mistake of saying "should I move on?' as i didn't want 2 months of heart ache until our trial separation review. She silenced me as she often does with anger and tears (as I'm really trying not to upset her). I just don't know how to play. Move on and start dating Wait patiently be freindly and close be distant with LC I thought I had made a bit of progress but my emotions were so raw yesterday. She hasn't got anyone else and a close friend of hers said that she didn't think it was over between us yet she says "she thinks i'm a great dad, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, make her laugh BUT feels she can't have any intimacy with me". the messages i'm getting are very mixed. Where now?
seibert253 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Why did you wife suddenly decide to check out from your marriage? Usually with a walkaway wife, there's someone else in the picture. Anyway, if there's no one else and you want her to come back then it's fairly simple, (well not really, it's really gonna suck and be hard). -Give her space, don't be available to help her with "projects" around her place, etc. -limit your contact with her about kids, financial things, etc. No calls about how your doing, can I do anything for you, etc. -I don't know what your situation is about visiting/living arraingments for the kids, but during any exchanges, don't engage her in conversation about anything but the task at hand, exchanging the kids. Nothing else. -If she calls, don't answer her calls right away, don't answer any texts right away. As a matter of fact, I would make her call me several times before I called her back. She needs to see you're moving on, and will not be there at her becon call. -If she calls wanting to talk about her, (her day, what she or you are doing, etc), tell her you don't wish to talk about that right now. -Don't argue with her and don't be afraid to hang up the phone. -IC for yourself, and if she wants to participate in joint MC then do so. -Be prepared to move on and show her you are. In order for her to come home, she needs to miss you and miss you being there for her. Therefore you need to disconnect with her for this to happen. Good Luck
Author gormley Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Thanks for that. I'm 99% certain theres no one else. We had a bad time shortly after marrying, lots of stress which lead to a bad depression in me. I was really difficult to be around but accepted I had a problem, got treatment and have been doing well. I was at times hurtful and destructive and she feels she can't forgive me Could you expand on how it works. I worry that this lack of communication would avoid the issues and increase the distance.
Nomad1 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Hey Gormey - sorry to say this, but they all say it at first - there is no one else, start blaming themselves etc. Sorry mate, but it is text book. I can guarantee you that by post No. 20, you will say - there is another dude. I am sorry to say this, but start thinking for you. Move on. Nomad1
delajoonal Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 start spying, you have to find out FOR SURE IF there is someone else? no kidding...you may NOT want to believe it or think it...believe me..I KNOW... but until you know for sure if there is someone else, you will not be able to move foward and make the right informed decision with this issue....it is a tough one... start checking her cell phone bill, itemized numbers, etc...also check the emails, some states it is now NOT ilegal for spouses to check each others email...mostly the 'fault' states, as this can be part of the alienation of affection law suit/divorce, etc. anyway...just start spying...alot! good luck:)
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