Bronte Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Hi everyone, Despite telling me for the last year that I'm his one true love, the perfect partner for him, and that he wants to be with me .... my MM decided yesterday that he had to give his marriage another go. The last 6 months have been terrible - the stress of him not making a decision made him physically unwell, and then when that was fixed his mind started to go. He was in a such a state of depression that he had to make a decision or he would lose it. When he told me, he was in floods of tears and his whole body shook. I thought he was going to throw up. I totally understand his reasons; he is convinced that if he left without giving his marriage a go he would never forgive himself, become bitter and twisted, and ruin everything we have. Having said that though, it doesn't make it feel any better for me. I'm overwhelmed with grief, I'm in so much pain, I feel completely lost. I've been shifting between sobbing, staring numbly into space, and being sick. We were amazing together, and I can't believe it's all over. I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. He said if he's still not happy in his marriage in 6 mths, he will leave. In a moment of weakness I said I would wait. But deep down I know I need to move on with my life; I haven't achieved anything in the last 12 months. And I have a 4 year old boy to stay sane for. Please give me some advice on how to handle this! I know we can't be in contact anymore. We've already cut off communications so he can have some space to be sure of his decision. The worst part is we work together. I don't know how to cope with that. Would really appreciate it if someone could share their experience, and what helped x
Lizzie60 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 wow.. this is tough... the fact that you work together makes it even harder. but you need to avoid contact as much as you can... go out with friends.. pamper yourself..buy new clothes, show him that you're 'glowing' eventhough you're almost dead inside.. Trust me, his M will probably not survive.. but if he sees you 'in pieces' he will feel this power over you.. and it's not good for you.. on the other hand.. if he sees you 'happy' and independant, he will be at your feet.. trust me on that one.. Men are all the same.. they love independant, confident women.
bentnotbroken Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Move on, don't look back and learn from this lesson. Imagine you sweet child being the BS and being torn apart by infidelity. Then you will be strong enough to never look back. If you are like most good mothers, you would move heaven and earth to keep your child from suffering. Use his sweet face as your motivation.
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Focus on your son, get some help (counselling) if you feel you can't do this on your own. This guy isn't going to leave his wife, even if he says he's giving his marriage 6 months.. Now, if he contacts you and says he's divorced, then you two can get together. Until then, it'll just be an affair..Even if he says he's leaving or moved out, that means nothing in the sense of committment to you. Surround yourself with family and friends, grieve and try to heal.
Owl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 What kind of personal support system do you have? Friends/family that you can talk with about this? That you can spend time with while you're trying to work through the rough times at the end of this relationship? Is it possible for you to transfer or work from another location, even just temporarily? I'd also suggest EXCERSISE. Working out will help you cope with the stress, and help you sleep. If you start something new that requires both mental and physical effort (like taking a martial arts class), it's of even more value.
wildsoul Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Hello there. I'm sorry you're hurting. Your words show that you're head is in the right place. That's at least half of it! All the reasons you cited for why you must let him go to sort this out, and also that you know you need to have no contact for this to work are 100% correct. Just validating that. Now you've got that awful task of getting your heart aligned with your head. The only way to do that is to make sure your mental committment to what you need to DO (or NOT do) is iron-clad, then go about the mucky process of feeling the tidal waves of feelings as they run up, down, and through you until you've processed through your grief. You've GOT to be steadfast in ending the affair. No more you AND her. One or the other of you, period. In order for him to really decide about his marriage, you need to let him go back into it fully. He needs to deal with the issues with his W head-on. He also needs to feel the total and complete absence of YOU. The triad needs to be unentangeled. It will feel very tempting at times to want him to comfort the loss YOU are feeling. But if you do that, it's also going to halt his process. He needs to feel what it's like to not have you. Be strong. Get support from others. Seems to me that you'd do best to pretend that as if your R with him is over. It may actually be over, but I say pretend because if you really un-do the affair and both heal, you might come back together. But any sense of waiting is just going to mess with your head. You'll heal some, but not go as deeply into your grief as you need to go to truly heal. I'm 8 weeks out of a 13-mos relationship with a separated man. Our situation is different in that I broke up with him, but I totally had to deal with my head/heart conflict. I'm feeling better every day. It's grief, the same forwards/backwards waves of feelings as if someone died, but overall I improve. You will too. One thing that has really helped me is to compartmentalize him into my past. He had so fully inserted himself into my future, OUR future, with all these plans and constant future talk (like your guy does.) Man, that's been hard to shift. I liked those plans. He knew that and kept me on the hook with them too. So I've had to REALLY shift. I keep telling myself that he was "just one of my ex's" sometimes thinking of him as "Mr 2008" or "that time I tried dating a guy who was still married." SEE? I have to mentally shrink my former relationship with him back down to a size that allows me to let go and step bravely forward into my new single life. You can do this. You will do this. You're not alone. We're here for you.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I totally understand his reasons; he is convinced that if he left without giving his marriage a go he would never forgive himself, become bitter and twisted, and ruin everything we have. Having said that though, it doesn't make it feel any better for me. I'm overwhelmed with grief, I'm in so much pain, I feel completely lost. I've been shifting between sobbing, staring numbly into space, and being sick. We were amazing together, and I can't believe it's all over. I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. He said if he's still not happy in his marriage in 6 mths, he will leave. In a moment of weakness I said I would wait. But deep down I know I need to move on with my life; I haven't achieved anything in the last 12 months. And I have a 4 year old boy to stay sane for. Please give me some advice on how to handle this! I know we can't be in contact anymore. We've already cut off communications so he can have some space to be sure of his decision. The worst part is we work together. I don't know how to cope with that. Would really appreciate it if someone could share their experience, and what helped x I call bull**** on the bolded part. He wants out and so he instead relies on your "understanding." He'll come back when he's horny again and expect you to welcome him with open arms. DON'T! He'll give you a sob story about how he tried and if you just give him another six months he'll leave. Actions, my friend, actions. Look at what he did to you? I think wifey is probably getting suspicious so he has to back off and bide his time. You're so much better than that. How do you deal? Don't answer his calls, emails or his texts. Go out, keep busy and remind yourself of all the sh** he put you through. Hold your head up high and remember you're number one and find someone who agrees with you. Your son is counting on you. GEL
MizzBlue72 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Talk - post on here - see a therapist - get up and get going DO NOT talk to him - this will just hurt you more. Tell him not to contact you. Don't email / IM or talk on the phone. It really really does feel at first like you died - I've been there, but you can do this. Do go out with your girlfriends, do anything ANYTHING that gets your mind off of this. I too have a small child. I have refocused all of my attention on him - and it is amzaing. RELAX and play with him. Oh honey - I am so sorry for you. And you are right - DO NOT put you or your son's life on hold for 6 months until he con figure out what is going on. You take care of you and that sweet child!!!
fooled once Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 ??? what "he" did to her? Really? Did he lie about being married? Sorry, but women who voluntarily get involved with married men are going to get hurt. That is a fact. She chose to go into a relationship with a man who was already IN a relationship. OP, I know you are hurting, but you will get over it. Focus on your son. Focus on finding out why you felt you only deserved part of a relationship instead of having a FULL relationship. Find out why you were willing to settle for stolen moments, secret meetings and spending holidays alone. Counseling is a great start!
Stepone Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I am not sure whether we are allowed to plagiarise here, if not someone please report me. But just reading this OW's account of her xMM and was not sure whether to laugh or cry at it, but it might help you get things in perspective. Hold your chin up and stay strong! "Ask yourself this....if you, your beloved and his wife were all on a ship at sea, the ship starts to sink and the life raft will only hold two people. Who will your love save, you or his wife?? Now, same question, only all the life boats around yours are filled with his friends and family....who would he save then??? And finally, the most brutal question of all, if only one person can fit in the life boat....would you bet your life that the man you're breaking your heart over, who has abandoned you, who has walked away from you without a backward glance, or professing he will always love you and only you, but still walks away....can you honestly answer, without a doubt, that you would be the one put into the life boat, or would you be paddling water watching him paddle away to safety??????? In all honesty, I don't know about you, but after reading all your messages (and from my own experience), I wouldn't want to be the one counting on being in that one seat life boat....I realized I don't have enough faith in him not to save himself....he might have a tear in his eye, regret in his heart, as he paddled away, but I'm afraid I'm pretty sure he could do it and somehow justify it in his mind over time! Isn't that what they all do to us?!!! I'm still heartbroken, I'm still in great pain, but every time I picture him in my minds eye, long to hear his voice and feel his touch....I'm going to repeat my mantra and envision a life boat with a single figure, rowing away!! "
NoIDidn't Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I call bull**** on the bolded part. He wants out and so he instead relies on your "understanding." He'll come back when he's horny again and expect you to welcome him with open arms. DON'T! He'll give you a sob story about how he tried and if you just give him another six months he'll leave. Actions, my friend, actions. Look at what he did to you? I think wifey is probably getting suspicious so he has to back off and bide his time. You're so much better than that. How do you deal? Don't answer his calls, emails or his texts. Go out, keep busy and remind yourself of all the sh** he put you through. Hold your head up high and remember you're number one and find someone who agrees with you. Your son is counting on you. GEL Ditto! I agree with GEL 100%. He used the oldest line in the books. He just told you six months in the hopes that you'd forget about whatever it was that he said when he was dreaming out loud around you. His W was getting suspicious of the distance the affair was probably causing in their marriage, so he dumped you to dance with her again temporarily. He'll likely try to get back in an AFFAIR with you again in 6 months. He isn't interested in ending his marriage. Look out for you and yours. He isn't going to.
Author Bronte Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 I call bull**** on the bolded part. He wants out and so he instead relies on your "understanding." GEL Hi GEL, actually this has been something that's been on his mind for a while and he told me some time ago that it was the one thing holding him back. I think he (and me too, since I didn't end it there and then) thought that feeling would go away in time, but it didn't. Thank you all so much for your support. I'm feeling ok right now, but I know I'll come crashing down again soon. I miss him so much. Just posting on here and reading your replies has been a HUGE help for me though. I'm focussing much more on my beautiful little boy, and I have friends to keep me busy. Am not looking forward to facing him at work, but I'll put on a brave face. And I won't have any contact with him unless work-related (thankfully, that will be minimal).
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 I feel compelled to reply because I could be in your situation in a few months. If he decides to work on his marriage and have kids with his W I am going to have a very hard time working with him and we work closely together. I am prepared for the worst, which is not only the above decision, but if he actually ends up falling back in love with his W. I would be happy for him, but so sad for me with little choice but to find a new job and hold my head up high. If your MM ends up leaving her in six months please give him time to get his emotions in check. His reason for leaving needs to be other than the fact that he's still still in love with you. Otherwise he will still feel the guilt and you might end up being his rebound, someone to help him get out of his marriage.
Author Bronte Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 He'll likely try to get back in an AFFAIR with you again in 6 months. He isn't interested in ending his marriage. At the moment, yes, clearly he's not ready to end his marriage. But I know if he does this, and is still not happy, he WILL leave. He won't try to get into another affair; this one nearly killed him. So I know that if he wants me back, it will be because the marriage is over and he wants to be 100% with me. And I will insist on divorce before we are together, we live in a country we that can be finalised in 3 months.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Hi GEL, actually this has been something that's been on his mind for a while and he told me some time ago that it was the one thing holding him back. I think he (and me too, since I didn't end it there and then) thought that feeling would go away in time, but it didn't. I'm going to tell you what I think about that. It's called setting the stage. The thing about being friends with so many OW and being on the forums is that there is a pattern to R's. Just like how they gaslight the BS, they gaslight the OW. If I were you, I'd light a match. I bet it would be a bright night. Don't lie to yourself. That is the worst thing that you can do. Accept the circumstances and move forward. But don't tell yourself lies to cover his manipulation. See him for who and what he really is. He's no martyr.
Author Bronte Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 GEL, I get what you're saying now. Been thinking about it all day and now I finally see it. And I'm starting to get angry!! I wish I'd never said I understood, because I only ended up making him feel better for it. And saying I'd wait for him??!! What kind of an idiot am I? I don't want to wait and I don't want him to think I am.
jj33 Posted May 2, 2009 Posted May 2, 2009 Bronte I was involved with an MM I met through my work. When it ended I was in shock. He kept trying to come back afterwards but only for more of the same (an A). I didnt have to see him everyday at the office but I did have to be in contact with him at least a few times a week. I really feel for you, it hurts to see them talking to other people, laughing and joking. But I can tell you from experience its as hard on him as is it on you. And it will take his marriage a long time to recover so dont imagine he is going home to a big welcome home party and everything will be nice and rosy (if that makes you feel any better). The only thing that helps is time. Some people feel better by being angry - that didnt work for me - it just made me feel lame and stupid. I went into it with my eyes open and I felt better when I looked at as something that was good while it lasted. That there was something special between us but there was nowhere for it to go. I never ever expected him to leave his marriage (which is different than your situation). I think you have to tell yourself that he loved you but he has a long history with his wife and the life that they created and that he needs to be there to see if it can work. And if it can work then he wasnt meant to leave, but that doesnt invalidate the feelings you had for each other. It just means there is no future for the two of you, cruel as that feels at this point in time. Being in such close touch makes it harder to move on. I spent way too much time analysing his every comment, glance, action etc. Then I went through a period where the mere sight of him made me furious. I stopped going out with work people if he was going to be there. It was just too painful. I imagined that every person he spoke to was his next OW. It was pretty awful. But now well over a year later, its gotten somewhat easier. I know he loved me, still does. I know I am special to him. I also know that if the universe were a different place and we could have met under different circumstances, the outcome would have been different. But its not. And being married to his W is a critical part of his identity however dismal their personal relationship may be. Hes older (retirement age) and its unfathomable for him to leave the only life he has known as an adult. More recently I have found that I can be attracted to other people. And if I get involved with someone and am happy, really even if he told me he was leaving, it would be too late. The process of leaving, and grieving a marriage is a long one and there are no guarantees on the other side. I wouldnt give up a really good relationship for the possiblity that some day his divorce would be final and maybe we could make a real relationship work. If youd told me last year that I would ever ever give up a chance to be with him for anyone else I would not have believed it. But time does heal all wounds. And now even being around him in business is easier. He is more like a stranger to me. You dont chit chat in the same way with someone who has broken your heart. You dont want to hear about his weekend and your life is not his business. As for telling him you will wait - f him. We all say things in the heat of the moment. Your words were kind. So what? He told you he was leaving and you were perfect for him. And he has gone back to his W. So I wouldnt worry about that. Just worry about him. He is doing what is best for him. You need to do what is best for you. As for telling him you are not waiting, that is up to you. But dont expect a good response. Its not going to make him leave or reconsider. He needs to do what he needs to do. And you dont know how you will feel in 6 months. Even if you didnt date anyone else you might view the past differenty and decide you didnt want him back on any terms after everything that has happened between the two of you. Take good care. Its painful but it will get easier in time. As everyone is saying, be good to yourself, pamper yourself to the extent possible.
Author Bronte Posted May 3, 2009 Author Posted May 3, 2009 Thanks jj33, yes it will take a long time for his marriage to recover, particularly as he needs to get mentally healthy too. To be perfectly honest I would be surprised if it could work, but he needs to see that for himself. He's only 30, and my therapist had said to me that he's awfully young to be considering ending his marriage. I'm dreading work next week. It's going to be so difficult. One piece of good news - I texted him last night and told him that I'd changed my mind, I couldn't wait. Since I know he's not entirely sure of his decision, and is taking some time on his own to be sure, I felt he needed to know this right away. Naturally he was very hurt but said he understood. Then I added that from now on we can no longer be in contact, unless he changes his mind. That threw him a bit, as he'd wanted to have some contact now and then (although not affair-type contact). He was so sad, but I didn't give in. In the past I would've told him I was sad too and I miss him and this is so hard etc etc, but instead I told him I was ok, I want to move on, and this is the way we have to do this. I was dying inside, but was firm in my messages. I'm still so incredibly sad, but I'm really glad I was able to take back some control of the situation. Throughout our affair I was amazed at how much control I had; whenever things got too hard I set new boundaries and he did everything I asked him to do. So I needed to have some control in his decision to end our affair. In a way I did, because he'd set himself a deadline and I'd enforced it. He knew that if he didn't stick to the deadline I would make the decision for him and end it. Don't worry, I tell him I wouldn't wait thinking it would make him change his mind, I did it for ME. One small step .... millions to go I know
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Good for you. Taking control makes it a lot easier. One day at a time. Do you have other friends at work you can hang out with? That will make it easier.
D-Lish Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I can't believe he actually told you that he is going to give it 6 months and then re-evaluate... That's such a load of crap. He just doesn't want you moving on.
fooled once Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 So you just had to text him to tell him you changed your mind? Come on, you wanted to talk to him, to hope he would say "no don't do that. I will leave now." IF you are truly serious, BLOCK his number from your phone. REFUSE to answer any calls or text messages. BLOCK his email address. Of course he is 'sad' his ego stroker, booty call has said no (for now). Find someone else to focus on. Find a man who isn't married, engaged, in a relationship. They are out there ! 1
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 Then I added that from now on we can no longer be in contact, unless he changes his mind. So basically, you've given him an opportunity to LIE to you..He may very well contact you in afew weeks or a month saying he's leaving his wife and he needs to have you in his life, as his friend or whatever. Problem is, HE WILL BE LYING.. He has NO intention of ever leaving his wife..Ending his marriage..But, he wouldn't mind having you around to meet his needs, on his terms. Stop feeding his ego. Cut him out of your life, not only in words, but in actions! 1
NoIDidn't Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 So you just had to text him to tell him you changed your mind? Come on, you wanted to talk to him, to hope he would say "no don't do that. I will leave now." IF you are truly serious, BLOCK his number from your phone. REFUSE to answer any calls or text messages. BLOCK his email address. Of course he is 'sad' his ego stroker, booty call has said no (for now). Find someone else to focus on. Find a man who isn't married, engaged, in a relationship. They are out there ! He was probably hoping she would contact him too with that sad act. Its part of the dance. He now knows that she is willing to hang on with the hope that "he will change his mind". So basically, you've given him an opportunity to LIE to you..He may very well contact you in afew weeks or a month saying he's leaving his wife and he needs to have you in his life, as his friend or whatever. Problem is, HE WILL BE LYING.. He has NO intention of ever leaving his wife..Ending his marriage..But, he wouldn't mind having you around to meet his needs, on his terms. Stop feeding his ego. Cut him out of your life, not only in words, but in actions! He'll probably do it in a few days just to get a warm up. He may even claim that the latest contact caused a d-day in his home and he has to act soon. This one is really good at this game. Wonder how many affairs he's had.... Bronte....RUN, for your life and don't look back. This one isn't a keeper.
jj33 Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 NID and WWIU I understand where you are coming from but I also understand why Bronte would want to send the email. She believes that he is sincere. She feels a moral obligation (that he does not feel obviously) to tell him that if he thinks he can come by with his little toothbrush in a few months that she is unlikely to be there to welcome him with open arms. The key is what happens next. It doesnt MATTER if he doesnt believe her, or if he takes it as a sign that she is waiting. What matters is what happens in Brontes head and whether she is waiting or whether her mind has changed and she is now in a moving forward frame of mind. Bronte you need to nail the door shut in your own mind. Close the chapter. Then it doesnt matter what he says or what he does. Every word that comes out of his mouth is just a code for "still married still married still married". Hold your head high tomorrow.
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