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Posted

I don't think you should be so nice...

 

You letting her think its okay you will wait.

but if that is what you want to tell her then do it....and if she tries playing with your heart saying she misses you or wants to see you or whatever tell her you know this is real hard for me and I have to move on if this isn't going to work. And see what she says I know its scary to ask because what if she says for you to move on...? then you should and its better to find out now right then after you have pushed some good girls out the door.

 

Luckily I didn't meet anyone to special while on the break. But I know that he didn't deserve anything I did for him.

 

good luck don't let her control your emotions its your life and you have to live it so that you are happy....

 

She isn't making you happy anymore she is tormenting you. let go set her free and if she comes back then shes yours....

Posted

Like i said, a part of me wants to ignore her text,

and i havnt text her or contacted her in like a month now,

so shall i ignore her??

Or do i text back what i said before,

 

I understand what you mean dlb,

what if she just replies normally, and dosnt say she misses me etc, and she dosnt try to play with my heart,

 

does that mean i did the correct thing in replying to her?.

 

**** sake im making a big thing out of something thats so small

Posted

MarKus,

 

I would hold your ground and ignore it for now. But not too long....here's something to consider....

 

I did that a bunch of times last summer when the "girl in question" would call me...I knew it was her...but I just wasn't up to answering the call. I realize now that wasn't very nice.....but I was the one who was terribly confused at that time...I had feelings for my ex-wife and my family....and I was going in that direction at that time trying to work it out with her.......looking back, I would not have done that again. I know it hurt her feelings not to have a response from me. I don't want to be that kind of person anymore...to anyone. I want to hold myself to a higher standard.

 

But....she persisted, I finally came around, then I was the one contacting her. And then we got close again...for awhile. Until I found out about the other guy. All I can say is.....we take risks....one way or the other....I know in hindsight I would NOT go down the same road again....I would have answered the calls. So...think about whether or not you will regret not answering, even politely, as a friend, a few weeks from now. Look at the LONG RUN....I know I tend to be short-sighted when it comes to relationships.

 

REMEMBER.....THE ONE WHO IS LEAST INTERESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL OF IT!!! I know who is in control of my situation right now...she is.

Posted

Geoff,

 

Thanks for your reply,

I have left it for 2 days now with out responding,

so i shall propably just reply either tonight or tomorrow,

 

Just something basic and short, is that wise

 

For some reason im just not up to texing her or talking with her right now, because i havnt in a month. which was compleatly different than in the beginning...where i would have loved to have heard from her...we have never had a no contact thing going on, just a break.

 

She has texed me numerous times over the months, and if i ever texted her or whatever she would reply to me.

 

Over a month ago she wanted to meet me, i said yes. Got no responce so i left it at that.

so she text me last week, that i ignored

And text me the other day saying

"Hello, u ok? Have u been up to much? tb x"

 

Hell if i was in her position, and i didnt want to be with someone, i wouldnt bother calling, texting or emailing at all, just to spare them, she's probably wondering why i havnt replied to her, so shes trying again

Posted
Originally posted by Geoffrey

 

REMEMBER.....THE ONE WHO IS LEAST INTERESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE WHO IS IN CONTROL OF IT!!! I know who is in control of my situation right now...she is.

 

 

Geoffrey:

Boy am I ever figuring that one out! I told you we had decided to start dating again. Well last night was the official "first re-date". I had been excited for the past week and a half. Then last night I wait... First I wait until he gets home from work. (he has to work late VERY often.) Then I had to wait for him to go get his daughter and drop her off at her friend's - plus he had to give her the rules of the night, boys/alcohol/drug warnings and all that. It was 8:30 and he STILL wasn't here. So I had to call and scoot him out the door.

 

When he does show up however, I find that he had dressed up which he NEVER does so I was feeling optimistic about that since he took some effort. Dinner and drinks went fine. We flirted a little but not too much. I thought we were having a great time. We were always laughing. And I thought I looked sexier than he has ever seen me. (short skirt, low cut blouse, hair curled, new makeup) Then why did he get on the computer and start playing Dark Ages of Camelot when we got his house. He said he just had to check somethign and the next thing I know it has been a half hour so I just layed down on the bed and started to fall asleep. Eventually I nagged him into getting off the computer and taking me home.

 

When we got to my house - he wanted to stay. I am not sure why. We flirted and flirted - yet he never kissed me or initiated anything. (Remember this is the guy I have been sleeping with regularly even after the breakup or space or slowdown or whatever we are calling it)

 

Why did he stay?? And when he left he didn't even kiss me goodbye. He just kinda tapped me and said he would call me later when he got back into town tonight.

 

This is so weird. Any advice?

Posted

Mollyanna,

 

Well....that IS interesting indeed.

 

Playing computer games??? Hell, if I were him, and I was with an attractive, nicely dressed woman, the LAST thing I would want to do is get on the computer. I would want to play....er....ah....other "games."

 

Hmm....I don't know, perhaps he was testing you? Teasing you? I would make it clear to him that if he's going out with you, he needs to keep his mind on YOU. I would have sent him packing for the night once he wanted to get on the computer.

 

Let me think it over for a day or so and I'll post again if any new thoughts come to mind....

 

Anyone?

Posted

Geoffrey: I think I am where you are. I think I give up. WELL............. I say that but I know it isn't completely true. I guess I just have to convince myself to TRY to give up. I think I love him which isn't something I come by easily. But I can't waste anymore time. I am 31. I never dreamed in my life that I would be alone still at 31. But I always attach myself to drama and controversy obviously. What you said really stirred me. Why should I wait around on a man who would rather play on the computer game than be with me??? I looked GOOD last night. He made reference to it several times even. But to slap me on the arm to say goodbye. That says "buddy" I don't want to be his buddy. I have more guy friends than I have girl friends. Why that is, I still don't know.

 

I hope you are going to have better luck than I am........ Tomorrow I am back on the road so I won't even get the chance to see him for a week. I will try very hard not to be the one to call him all week. For the last 3 months we have never went more than one day without talking - but I am realizing that I do the majority of the calls. I keep in mind what you said yesterday - that the one least interested is the one in charge I even repeated that to friends tonight.

Posted

Mollyanna,

 

I think that he was rude and out of order, playing on the computer,

I think he was trying to get a reaction out of you,

 

I agree with geoff, that would be the LAST thing on my mind if you were all dolled up. ;)

 

And if i were you, i wouldnt have let him stay at your house cos of him playing on the computer, but you let him because you love him and want to be with him...so i understand,

but he didnt even kiss you goodbye,

 

I wouldnt call him...let him do it...like he said he would call you

Posted

Well...my luck is getting better.....I had a date last nite with a very sweet, attractive gal I've had an interest in for a little while....and she's interested in pursuing a relationship...but slowly and one stone at a time. She's my age (39) and has never been married...she lives just a few miles from here too. Last nite we went to a concert together and hit it off quite well....lots of gazing into one another's eyes, much good conversation, and general agreement about what we want in a relationship. Got in around midnight...

 

It is still very, very early in the game, but I must admit the world looked a little brighter this morning when I woke up....we shared a sweet little kiss goodnight....I floated home...and missed my exit on the freeway!!! I take that as a good sign!! Guess what I was thinking about.... :-) I spoke with her this morning and we talked some more about what we want to do....and how we want to do it...this is going to take some time to get to know one another...but we are starting to build trust in one another. Like me, she has been burned too...and is VERY WARY right now....as I am....I do understand and respect her honesty...right now we are both equally interested in the relationship....so there's a good balance...respect and trust are built one stone at a time....

 

I have not contacted the other gal in 5 days now....no plans to either....every day it is getting steadily easier....let her wonder about me.....and I am gaining more perspective on the situation....and I still feel incredulous that so much was kept from me for so long....I would NEVER do that to her...or anyone....it just makes me wanna barf....

 

Maybe I need to change threads now... :-)

Posted

MarKus and Geoffey: Well he did call tonight so that was a good sign. I decided not to mention anything about him not kissing me goodbye or anything. However, I did say kind of jokingly - "Here's a tip for ya - next time you are on a date - don't play video games while she just sits there." He said OK and that he was sorry but he thought he had only been on there about 10 minutes. I told him it was more like 20-30 and then left it at that.

 

I drove to Chicago today from Ohio instead of flying. Needed to clear my head and think. What I came up with in the 5 hour drive is this - I am putting way too much pressure on a guy who told me the week I met him that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, then became a couple with me anyway, and then freaked out and we started dating again. I must be insane to try and push him into the couple status again already!! It has only been a month since we broke up! He is still very very hurt and I am being a real b!tch by putting my own feelings ahead of his. For goodness sake, I need to let him HEAL!!!

 

But I need something too. I need to feel special. I need attention and I need more than he is ready to give me. That isn't his fault. It is mine for trying to force it. I think he and I are not done - but instead I will start looking around for other stuff and people to make me happy too.

 

Geoffrey: I am so happy for you. Your smile comes out in your writing even! I am jealous though. The guy I went out with a couple of weeks ago stopped calling me last week and then tonight he called and said he just didn't like the fact that I was still hanging out with my ex. I hope this new girl of yours is understanding about your feelings for your ex. Be careful not to hurt her if the ex does make a surprise move...

 

Don't change threads though! You guys are the best therapy I ever had! ;)

Posted

Mollyanna,

 

Don't worry, kiddo...I won't disappear on ya!

 

Yes, having been a professional writer for 16 years, whatever one is feeling DOES come out in the tone of their writing. I know it is true with me. That is what makes writing so challenging....and why I try to take care of myself so I feel good and I can write effectively and concisely.

 

Interesting, are you in Ohio too?

 

I share your feelings, let them have the time they need. As I told my ex, it will certainly take weeks, if not months, to work through your emotions and the situation you are in at home. That's what it took for me. I counseled her some time ago to JUST WORK ON HERSELF RIGHT NOW.....forget making a long-term relationship decision....she just can't do it right now. Her world is unravelling, and damn fast, too.

 

Let's take the pressure off...

 

In a situation like this, the emotions RULE. It takes time for the emotions to simmer down and catch up with where your HEAD is....and the reasoning part of you. That is what is happening to me now. The emotions are slowly subsiding, I am staying off the other chat board where we all used to kibbutz, it's been 5 days now, that takes some will power and self-discipline. But it gets easier every day. Do I wonder about her? Sure, all the time. What we are feeling is normal, and this too, shall pass...there is nothing unusual in how you are feeling about things right now. You are in good company here.

 

Try this....go back a few pages here on the site and read what you have written in recent weeks....and see how your journey has brought you to the realization you shared the other day....that you feel he needs time to heal? THAT'S A KEY STATEMENT!! See? You are making progress!! Remember also that even mistakes we make are signs of progress....that should help you feel better.

 

And don't worry about the other fellow who hasn't called you back. They're like buses or trains....there's always another one coming along to your stop....

 

Try to keep your sense of humor, and laugh when you can. It's good for you. Here's a joke to help you get started....

 

Q: What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

 

A: Outlaws are wanted.

 

Heheheheheh.... :-)

 

My new gal and I are spending Easter together!!! She is coming over and I am going to make her a special lunch, then we are going to go out for a walk in a national park that is close by where I live. I'm excited....can ya tell???

 

You have been good health to me as well.

 

I'll write more later.

Posted

Geoffrey:

 

Yes, I am from Ohio too - though I never seem to be there these days except for weekends. (travel quite a bit for work).

 

I agree that I am going to have to simmer down and just let what happens happen. I tried to force this getting-back-together thing. But the more I push, the further he runs. Well except sometimes he starts off in different directions. Last week we were planning a trip to Virginia Beach together. But last night I specifically heard his son ask him to invite me to his game next weekend, but when I asked him what was said - he said he didn't remember. hmmmm

 

As for reading all my posts, I just did that the other day! I was a basket case and can see now that I am settling into the situation. My problem is that I do not possess patience and also feel a need to control things in my life. I can't stand to sit by idly while others make decisions that affect me. That helps me out in my career but has been a real detriment to my personal life.

 

I do love him and it kills me to see him sliding away... but what can I do?????

 

I am jealous of you again! I will be spending Easter alone. My family wants me to come home but I can't deal with the whole happy family bit right now. Kinda sinking into depression a little I think.

Posted

When I say I need time and space, it's because I'm bored of an over-keen guy. This is equivalent to a lot of excuses like, "you deserve better", "it's not me, it's you", and "I'm getting back with my ex".

DerangedAngel
Posted

I'm just replying because this thread has had closed to 500 replies and I haven't posted here yet. Hi everybody! :bunny: So um, yeah.

Posted

The thread that never ends.

Somebody please, put it out of its misery.

Posted

UGH....

I feel so rejected. :(

 

*my 2 cents worth*

DerangedAngel
Posted

Er, I just noticed a typo. I so hate typos.

 

"Close" not "Closed". :) Continue.

Posted

Mollyanna,

 

Yes, patience is a pain, but it is well worth the effort. Think about how much stronger you'll be from all this....you mentioned reading your previous posts...they got you this far....think about what your posts will look like two weeks from now...!

 

I would highly recommend "looking around." It is what I have been doing, and it is beginning to pay off. It's good for the soul to spend some time with someone new. It gives me hope that this isn't all there is to relationships. Just because this one went this way, doesn't necessarily mean the next one will too...

 

Sometimes....there is nothing more we can do. Actually, that's good, because I don't think I can TAKE having to wonder what to do next!!!! It took me at least two solid weeks (and some time here!) to get to that realization.

 

You will too.

 

Go spend some time with your family. You might even enjoy it! :-) Why miss out on a potential good time just because of your ex?

Posted

Well as you remember I tried that a couple of weeks ago. But no one is as much fun as him - no one I have ever met - even my best friend. I am a different person with him. I am not so serious and not so self conscious. I am silly and goofy and hilariously funny. He brings out the best in me.

 

I have watched him with other people too. He seems nervous around some people, but completely at ease with me. He is very outgoing - but as I get to know him I see it is just on a surface level. With me, he can go beyond the jokes and laughter and really talk too. When we are out with all our friends - he sits with me and we talk and talk and talk and laugh it is like the rest of our friends aren't even there. Everyone has noticed it. I know that we would be together if he could just get over his ex wife.

 

I will never understand someone still loving the woman who cheated on him and then moved the new guy in the day after she kicked him out - and then married the other guy on her ex husband's birthday! How can he still love her after all of that???

 

OTHER NOTE - sinkerswim, why do you feel rejected??? Did I miss something?

Posted

Hi Mollyanna..

Oh..I was just adding my 2 cents worth to the post...

Its just about my life right now...

Being with my guy for 8 years...made me feel like I was the only girl alive...and now he isnt even talking to me

after a fight we had 2 months ago.

I cant understand any of it. That is why I feel so rejected.

 

I need an honest opinion...he tells me that I dont let him do anything withouth questioning him..that was what our blowout was all about.

He then tells me he doesnt know if he wants to break up.

Well..this all leads to the present moment. I never got an answer from him.

Its like I didnt even matter in his life..when I know I did.

 

So..my question is... Do you think he could possibly think I did something worse to him?

Ive never done anything horrible to him..I have never cheated or lied to him.

If he thought that was the case... do you think he would have confronted me on it?

Instead of ignoring me? Do you know what I mean...?

Because every day I sit and wonder what I could have possibly done for him to be acting like this with me.

Instead of talking it out.

A good friend of mine told me that its probably his way of handling things. He cant stand the fact that I am so distraught that he doesnt want to face it. So he will avoid me. Because he is insecure about his own feelings.

Any input?

Posted

sinkerswim:

That is exactly what I think. Most men are chicken of confrontation. If anything is going to make them uncomfortable they avoid it at all costs. They may tell themselves they will call you and sort it out but they keep it putting it off and everyday it becomes easier and easier to ignore. I think they feel bad about it, but would rather just pretend the situation doesn't exist.

 

Most of my friends are guys and they all tell me this sort of thing - plus an ex of mine who once did this to me - he told me years later that is why he stopped calling. He couldn't stand to see me so upset.

Posted

Thanks for the input Mollyanna...

I just cant understand why I call him and he doesnt want to talk.

I guess its all tied into it, huh?

 

It hurts me so much though.

8 years and he is doing this to me.

WHY?

Posted

I wish I could say I understand the male mind. I never will. But you calling him is just going to make it worse if he obviously doesn't want to talk. When he wants to talk, he will call you. In the meantime, you have got to take the pressure off him so he can relax. Everytime you call he is feeling that discomfort again and then the two of you are getting nowhere. Give him time to think.

Posted

I think that they left for reasons maybe that they were done. Sometimes people lose interest. Maybe the relationship got to comfortable and it wasn't enough for them to hold on anymore and the fight was an excuse to break it off and blaming you for it so they didn't look bad. I think you should both move on.

 

*Note if you have spend 8 years of your life with one man or woman don't you think you should have been engaged if not married by now. That is a long time to just waist with someone with out a real connection of a commitment. Life is about seccesseding... and finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with..no matter what anyone says we are all looking for that. And then you start a family or start a wonderful life adventure with them. You grow old with them..

 

I think the fact they are gone is just more reason for you all to move on. Its hard I have been there. But really maybe they were great maybe they did bring out the best in you.. You obviously learned more about yourself. I think that you can't have fun with anyone else because you don't want to you only want him and so its hard for you to have fun with anyone else. You need to get out of that mood because if I was your best friend and heard you say that to me I would not want you as my friend. I think no one is better then anyone in your life. Everyone brings different things into your life that you need to be balanced.

 

YOu need to focus on yourself and remember all he has done or her to hurt you. That isn't what life is about hurting the ones you love. I can see mistakes but if they have been gone longer then a month then he hasn't made a mistake he or she knows what the did and is living with the choice they made and so you need to let them go you need to let yourself move on. Cry so hard you can't breath write letter to them and don't send them.. Talk to people about it get it out... morn and move on... life is way to short to let someone who so called said they loved you bring you down.

 

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE U ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE IT WHAT IT IS AND WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE..

 

there are many many men and women out there sometimes you have to go through so wrong ones before the right one that is jut how it works. And sometimes you find a good and right one but they make choices in their life that upset yours and the only thing you can do is move on and know one day they will realize the mistake and regret it but you will already have found someone better. OKay I think have said my peace here good luck to all. If anyone reads this please remember how valuable you are in this world....don't let anyone tell you or make you feel different.

Posted

My husbands EW just told her new husband the same thing.

If you ask me she is having an affair.

No one can get a hold of her, not even her children or other family. SHe says she is her or there and when you think you know YOU DON"T.

This woman is driving me insane and her new husband also. I feel rel bad for the guy. She claims its because he swore he could bye her a house after they had to leave their last rented home. I feel that is pretty self centered of her and what is she really with this guy for, Money and what he can do for her while she drinks her life away and gives up on her kids?

Sorry Im just frustrated..............

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