chrystall Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 About a year ago, I was doing an internship in the States and met this lovely guy. I though really nothing more than a summer fling of it at first, but when the time came to say goodbye, neither of us could. I've never felt this easy and comfortable with anyone in my life, and we have an amazing connection, both emotionally and physically. He's said, several times, that he wants to marry and I feel this may be the love of my life. I don't really believe in one person being out there for each one of us, but they are few that will make you feel like the happiest person on earth and the search is tiring. Thing is, I live in Europe, a ridiculous 8 hour flight and 7 hour time difference away. His proposition was at first that he come and see if he could find a job in my country for a while. We've done a few visits over the year, the mandatory parental meetings etc. Last month, he announced that it would not be possible for him to try this, due to personal responsibility to family, job situation, the fact that my country just doesnt feel like home (based on a 2 week trip) etc. He will not budge. I kind of get his point, he's an immigrant in the country already (altho a national) and immigrating once again is never fun. I've tried suggesting meeting halfway, picking neithers country, and starting afresh together. He turned that down too, due to responsibilities to parents. I'm not thrilled about moving to the States, I have family, friends and career here. We discussed this, and in order for us to continue, I said I could reconsider moving. I'm hurt of course, for him not even giving it a shot and of course wondering, is this a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm very close with family, so picking up and leaving would be a huge sacrifice on my behalf. My career is picking up, and it's a career I could not continue in the States. I feel like he's willing to give in very little leeway for me on any significant things. He says that if I do move, he'll do everything to make me happy, and I'm sure he would. I'm just not sure it would be enough. All these fights we've had about the future have made be doubt will I ever be the number one in his life, which I really need to be, if I am to give everything up. Also, a 30 year old man that has never lived more than a 30 minute drive away from his parents strikes me as odd. Another aspect, why I was pushing for us trying out another country, new for both of us, is because I feel he's too emotionally dependent in his parents. He just claims that I don't understand the relationship. And he's right of course, I don't. I like his parents but they are exactly the kind that will be butting in all the time. And he runs when they call for help. I will always be number 2 to needs of them. My parents have had a very dificult relationship due to the same reason, so I wouldn't want to repear their mistakes. He is a good man. Sensitive, responsible, caring and affectionate. When we're together, I have not a worry in the world. Most of our views on life match, save him being a little more conservative. I think we could be very happy together, even after the initial excitement wears of, this is my best firend. It is my decision that will make or break us and I'm lost. My definition of love is putting the other persons need ahead of your own, but I can't be the only one doing it. Am I being too demanding or is there a way out here? Any and all ideas are much appreciated.
bluechocolate Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I emigrated to be with my partner - living together 10 years now. Thing was, for me, it was an easy decision as I had the least to lose, my job at the time had me living a nomadic life style for a decade & I had already lived & worked in this country for 2 years before my employment contract ended. Maybe one way to tackle this is from the immigration angle. It isn't easy to get into the States & I believe there is no automatic right of abode for spouses. My understanding is that some countries in Europe do give automatic right of abode to a spouse, France for instance, though I am not sure if this is still the case. The 3rd country option is good, though I imagine that you're going to run into immigration issues there too. Being an EU citizen you have many choices that wont' necessarily extend to him, unless he has a highly sought after qualification. However, it's not an option because he has ruled it out. To be honest, this all feels too one sided. Essentially what he seems to be saying is that it is his way or the highway. I think you should try to prioritise things, like he has done. He's decided that his job & being close to his parents is more important than being with you & there really isn't anything wrong with that. What is more important to you in your life right now ? All these fights we've had about the future have made me doubt will I ever be the number one in his life, which I really need to be, if I am to give everything up. You may not like it but I think you have your answer right there.
KikiW Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Figuring out who will be the one to move is sometimes the hardest part. With my LDR and I, I made it clear that I could not leave the area I am in. It would be financially much easier if I did, but I have a young daughter and a new business where I am. I cannot take her away from her father, nor can I leave her behind. So as much as I would be willing to go on a new adventure, I have responsibilities I can't avoid. My LDR is willing to make the sacrifice to come to me. Had he not been willing, we would not have continued. Don't judge your SO for never living far from his parents - I have always lived within a 10 mile radius myself, though I see my mother once every week or two. But I would definitely be concerned about him putting you second. I can understand if they are elderly and need care, so him being "on call" is reasonable, but if they are calling him to change a lightbulb and he rushes right over, that will turn into a bigger problem I am sure. I can also see him being gunshy about the prospect of emigrating if he has already been through the process to get into the US. Plus, if he visited for two weeks, it should have given him a decent amount of time to get the local "flavor" (unless you two were locked up in the bedroom the entire time - if he's not feeling good about a move to your country, I don't think you'll be able to change his mind. This IS a difficult situation... I'm not sure I can offer any advice per se, except that you have very valid concerns and should try and consider every angle before making a final decision.
Lizzie60 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Too many red flags... this won't work... trust me.. my advice: move on.. These type of arrangements rarely work. My daughter's best friend tried that 2 years ago.. she fell in love with a guy from England.. They were head over heels in love.. he was divorced, had a son there.. she is single, no children. Hw was ready to leave his son.. imagine. She went there, spent a few weeks.. he came here, spent a few weeks.. my daughter didn't like him.. she saw a 'profiteur' in this guy.. a loser. Then the rules were changed.. he wanted her to move there.. to leave her friends, family, good job.. Finally she 'saw the light'... she ended it.. had a huge heartbreak.. but at least, she still has her family, friends and her good job.. I think this loser wasn't even working steady.. Things we do for love.. geezzz... Move on... you don't need that jerk in your life.
Bearandsue Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 In my opinion If its not the kind of love that makes you be willing to leave everything behind, then its not worth it. Since neither of you seem to be willing to do that then....... I know its not an easy decision. I am the one in my relationship who is packing up and leaving all my family and friends behind. You can visit them or even with today's technology you wont miss out on a thing. But having the person who you want to share your life with so far away is a different story.
Author chrystall Posted May 2, 2009 Author Posted May 2, 2009 Don't judge your SO for never living far from his parents - I have always lived within a 10 mile radius myself, though I see my mother once every week or two. But I would definitely be concerned about him putting you second. I can understand if they are elderly and need care, so him being "on call" is reasonable, but if they are calling him to change a lightbulb and he rushes right over, that will turn into a bigger problem I am sure. And this is excatly my problem, sadly. Maybe not lightbulb, but just about everything else.And I do understand the parent issue, I'm very close with mine too, which is why this is so hard. I've even suggested that when his parents do get old, and really need help, I'd be willing to move there for whatever time neccessary.The thing is, I would drop it all if I felt there was someone who felt as strongly about me. I don't think this is it. He's got a job that could be carried on elsewhere, I don't, so its not really even about the career, or what is rational, anymore. Thank you all for your contributions. I've some thinking to do.
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