terra Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry This article featured in the Atlantic is "a case for settling for Mr. Good Enough"; Thoughts??
Author terra Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 I agree! But some people (including the author) believe this bs... Just interested to know if there are some supporters...
Cherished Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 There will be men on here who can't get a date for their lives who are angry at women who will be supporters on here.
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 This is her opinion. And with an opinion like this it makes sense that she isn't in a loving relationship.
spiracles Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 we aren’t fish who can do without a bicycle what the ****?! what would a fish want with a bicycle? it doesn't even have legs! this lady is on dope. straight up.
shoesies05 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 i read about 6 paragraphs and then stopped... holy crap- did you have to pick such a long article? lol I'd say- she needs to have some heavenly sex. there is no "mr. perfect" so in that way- we are settling, yes. But do i want to be stuck with the guy that thinks he's oh so sexy as he picks his nose and sings to avril lavigne in a very high pitched tone? No- i deff. would not settle for that tub of lard, i would take my ovaries getting old over that thank you very much!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I'm inclined to agree with it in some ways. Like it or not, once you pass 35 - particularly if you are a single mother you are going to have to settle to some extent. A male friend of mine once put it to me that the more desirable males (the ones with good careers who have their lives together and so on) are not going to be in the market for aging single mothers that they have to share with the woman's kid(s) and the leftovers of the previous family. They are going to go for younger women with little or no baggage, who can build a family with the guy without dragging a leftover family into the mix. It is brutal, but most of the time that is how it is. He said that the best you could expect is a man in a similar situation who has trouble landing younger, more desirable females. I was so angry when he said that, but after having a time to look back on it and observe, and talk at length with my male friends I have to admit that he is basically right. If a single, desirable man with his crap together picks up a single mother in her thirties or near forties it is the exception generally and not usually the rule. I saw it on a male oriented board that single mothers are good for hit-it-and-quit-it, but that you wouldn't ever want to settle for one. That REALLY pissed me off, but scores of guys were posting in agreement and it went basically downhill from there. Worse and worse stuff about the throwaway nature of the older woman, particularly ones with kids. I may not like any of that, and I certainly don't like that article but to an extent I have to agree that it is generally how things are. When you are pushing 40, have kids, and are single - you have to take what you can get, or choose to love being single. Mr. Right may be out there, but the chances of finding him under those circumstances are nearly zero. There are plenty of Mr. Right Nows though who are as frustrated as those women are. Me? I'm a single mother pushing forty who isn't particularly attractive and certainly not able to compete with women a decade or a decade and a half younger and more attractive. What am I going to do? Screw settling. I'll stay single, thanks.
Sam Spade Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Ah, the regular settling thread. The term "settling" is grossly misused. Of course nobody should be in a relaitonship they're unhappy with. But, how happy you are in relationship depends more on your mindset rather than on the objectuve characteristics of the other person. Not settling is a problem when "not settling" becomes the goal as such (rather than a personal boundary), and good opportunities are ignored in the endless pursuit of bigger, better deal (broadly speaking). In this case this is a recipie for misery and in this sense the author is right, because if you haven't found the best deal in your peak, it is hardly realistic to expect to find it after that. As far as I'm concerned - as long as I'm not actually unhappy in a relationship, it is going well and I might as well stick with it in the long haul. And btw, I'm one of those supposedly desirable early 30's 'together' men with careers and looks and certainly could have a pretty succesful single life at least for another 5-7 years, but the energy expenditure does not see justified to me - if guys wait too long, they need to settle too, though it seems that the process is a bit more gradual and less severe than for women.
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Settling is for people who think than even a mediocre relationship is better than being single.
Lizzie60 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Hum... I think 'settling' is easier said than done... could be OK for the first few months/years.. I would rather stay single.. at least I'm free to date anyone I want... and who needs a father for a child.. I know a woman who was insiminated (about 15 years ago, maybe plus).. she had twins (girls) who were absolutely stunning.. she lived with another female roomate (to help pay the mortgage).. she was making good money... she was happier than being in a mediocre relationship.. she had what she wanted, two beautiful girls, a good job, a nice home, all the freedom on the world.. what more can you want..
marlena Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Hum... I think 'settling' is easier said than done... could be OK for the first few months/years.. Yup, even harder for certain personality types....like mine!! Even the thought of it makes me want to vomit! Better alone! Why make some guy miserable? :laugh:
stace79 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Well the first wrong assumption she made is that all women "dream" of falling in love, getting married and having children. I don't think I want children, so she's already wrong there. Not every woman is that idiotic bimbo who just wants to grow up to be a mom. I can't STAND that prejudiced viewpoint of females. Second, I'm 30 and just broke up with a bf of about three years, and I considered settling many, many times. In fact, when I broke up with him, he proposed to try to get me to stay. However, I don't need a man in my life making me miserable; I can do that all by myself! I refuse to accept that getting married -- to Mr. Perfect or Mr. Settling -- is going to "complete" my life or make me happy. If I can't find happiness on my own, by myself, no other person or stupid certificate is going to make me happy! This woman is a moron, and it's quite a shame that anyone ALLOWED her to procreate!
Mahatma Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 That is just plain depressing to think women would do that. I also feel bad for her husband if she has one.. I wonder what he would think!
angie2443 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 A male friend of mine once put it to me that the more desirable males (the ones with good careers who have their lives together and so on) are not going to be in the market for aging single mothers that they have to share with the woman's kid(s) and the leftovers of the previous family. They are going to go for younger women with little or no baggage, who can build a family with the guy without dragging a leftover family into the mix. It is brutal, but most of the time that is how it is. He said that the best you could expect is a man in a similar situation who has trouble landing younger, more desirable females. I was so angry when he said that, but after having a time to look back on it and observe, and talk at length with my male friends I have to admit that he is basically right. Maybe you need some new male friends- ones who aren't so negative about your situation.
angie2443 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Through out the years, I've come across too many young women who married early, only to divorce later on or constantly complain about their marriages. Plenty of women who marry early and have children, end up single later on. I don't think anyone should settle, it just sets you up for divorce or a misserable relationship later on. I've only skimmed through this article because it was so long. The woman sounds like a miserable person who doesn't value people for who they are but for how they measure up to some fantasy she has in the back of her head. She seems to associate with men and women who do the same. No wonder she is so negative.
angie2443 Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 That is just plain depressing to think women would do that. I also feel bad for her husband if she has one.. I wonder what he would think! I don't think she has a husband, but I would feel bad for him to if she did. I know I wouldn't want to be with a man who felt he "settled" for me.
Tizzy Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Wow, looong article, but I read it, lol. I can see the author's point, especially given her situation of being 40-ish and a single mom and having a hard time dating successfully. I'm a single mom too and in my late 20s (pushing 30 next year!) and maybe I have a different mindset than the author b/c of my age and life experience so far, but I don't think people should settle for unfulfilling relationships. Life is just too short. I know several women who got married in their 40s and were at some point single moms prior to marriage but I guess the difference is their kids weren't little babies by the time they turned 40. Most of the older single-mom women I know who eventually married had grown or near-grown children by the time they were that age. That is probably the crux of the problem for the author. She's got this young child and she's trying to find someone compatible in her age group. Most guys her age probably already have kids (that are near grown, if not already out of the house), have already been married, and probably aren't ready to do the whole baby/fatherhood thing all over again. I know that at 40-yo I probably wouldn't either! Also, this lady's desperation more than likely shows in her face, dialogue and body language and makes decent secure men run away from her pronto. What's that saying, you attract what you are?? I think the author needs to readjust her thinking, stop making being with a man the end-all be-all goal in her life, and just relax and be a good mom and do the things she enjoys. If she meets a man who shares common interests and gets along well with her then great, but if not she shouldn't see herself as a failure or in a less happy position than her married friends.
a4a Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I think she needs to hire a fulltime nanny and her attitude will change.
sally4sara Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Settling is a hard thing to advise anyone to do because it implies that there is a standard type of guy that everyone wants. I've met those guys and I didn't find anything appealing about them besides how they looked in a suit and tie. Beyond that, few of them I met had ever cracked a book that wasn't assigned to them, knew little about music beyond current billboard tripe, and couldn't even change their own oil or even follow Ikea assembly instructions. They might have a nicer car and a decent job, but they rest was fluff and icing. You know the old song of making a pretty woman your wife.....I have the same attitude about pretty boys. I don't find them very appealing for anything other than sneering into a camera for some underware ad in GQ. I cannot have an interesting conversation with them. They were not the kind of guys who had a humor about life or themselves. Its not that I think it is impossible; I just found other people more appealing during my searches. I don't find perfect faces to be perfect. I like lopsided grins and things that make them look like them and not everyone else. I want character; not a characature. I respect capability and hands on work over office paper pushing. I want integrity; a quality that sometimes gets in the way of padding a bank account. I want an ex punk/SHARC boy who can also do the wop and knows who the eff Mac Dre and Sepulchura is. Not a stiff in a suit. So to tell me that, because I'm in my 30s and a single mother I must settle is not taking into consideration my preferences in men. I did not settle and ended up with my perfect man. He has his paper pushing office job, but he got there working with his hands.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Settling is for people who think than even a mediocre relationship is better than being single. I agree with that. I wouldn't want a woman who thought she was "settling" for me. I'm certain she would have an attitude and wouldn't treat me very well.
Jaytb Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 i read about 6 paragraphs and then stopped... holy crap- did you have to pick such a long article? lol I'd say- she needs to have some heavenly sex. there is no "mr. perfect" so in that way- we are settling, yes. But do i want to be stuck with the guy that thinks he's oh so sexy as he picks his nose and sings to avril lavigne in a very high pitched tone? No- i deff. would not settle for that tub of lard, i would take my ovaries getting old over that thank you very much! Lol, Avril Lavigne isn't even that high pitched. Now Hayley Westenra, now that is high pitched. The thought of a man trying to sing like her is Now tell me ladies. Would you "settle" for a guy who you're into (as in you like him) but has maybe one or two things you don't like about him. Like has a big nose (something that I'm sensitive about lol), or maybe drives a crappy car, or how about is two inches too short or whatever else you can think of? do you consider this settling? I read this a while ago, and I think the author thinks along those lines, that you should settle for a guy you're into but isn't your perfect partner or has some flaws you don't like. Because I think the author doesn't want anyone getting in a relationship with someone she's not into. Oh and if women should settle, men should settle too. It's only fair lol.
sally4sara Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Lol, Avril Lavigne isn't even that high pitched. Now Hayley Westenra, now that is high pitched. The thought of a man trying to sing like her is Now tell me ladies. Would you "settle" for a guy who you're into (as in you like him) but has maybe one or two things you don't like about him. Like has a big nose (something that I'm sensitive about lol), or maybe drives a crappy car, or how about is two inches too short or whatever else you can think of? do you consider this settling? I read this a while ago, and I think the author thinks along those lines, that you should settle for a guy you're into but isn't your perfect partner or has some flaws you don't like. Because I think the author doesn't want anyone getting in a relationship with someone she's not into. Oh and if women should settle, men should settle too. It's only fair lol. No one is without flaws. Sometimes its a flaw that endears them to you. Besides, the physical flaws are generally the less troubling ones. I dated guys who had very very high standards. Their high standards were part of their intolerable flaws.
spookie Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 I personally don't see the point. The benefits are flimsy: -companionship: not worth much if you don't like the person a whole lot -financial: great... till he decides he needs to move across the country for his job, leaving you to decide what to do about your own -kids: I think it would make me depressed to share this aspect with someone I wasn't in love with. I'd prefer to either do it alone, if I couldn't do it the way I really wanted. -safe sex: when I'm not that into the guy, I lose interest half the first time through
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 1, 2009 Posted May 1, 2009 Maybe you need some new male friends- ones who aren't so negative about your situation. Nah, they are my boys. They don't blow smoke up my ass, and I would be disappointed if they did. The 'not particularly attractive' comes from me, not them. They aren't negative and neither am I. Just realistic.
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