If you were still unmarried at some point, would you marry a good opposite sex friend

[Isolde]

Assume that the physical chemistry is mediocre--not great, not bad, but potential to either improve or worsen as the relationship progresses from friendship to a relationship/marriage. This is someone you trust completely, someone you can talk to about just about anything. You don't feel passion, but you want to settle down.

 

(Yep a purely hypothetical question again... it came to mind because a lot of my friends have a certain person they say they would marry if they were still single beyond a certain age).

 

Some people may say this is a form of settling, but others say it's the best decision they ever made.

[GoodOnPaper]

This is someone you trust completely, someone you can talk to about just about anything. You don't feel passion, but you want to settle down.

 

Yes I would. For me, trust builds intimacy, which fuels passion. Can't imagine having that level of trust with a woman without feeling passion.

[You'reasian]

Assume that the physical chemistry is mediocre--not great, not bad, but potential to either improve or worsen as the relationship progresses from friendship to a relationship/marriage. This is someone you trust completely, someone you can talk to about just about anything. You don't feel passion, but you want to settle down.

 

(Yep a purely hypothetical question again... it came to mind because a lot of my friends have a certain person they say they would marry if they were still single beyond a certain age).

 

Some people may say this is a form of settling, but others say it's the best decision they ever made.

 

I think its definitely worth a try since the personality connection and trust are strong.

 

If would be good for the two to spend more time together and see if they can build some passion for each other. Is one more attracted to the other? or are they both mediocre to each other?

 

Still, you've got the foundation for a great relationship.

[D-Lish]

Nope, I wouldn't even consider it.

If the chemistry was there- I suspect something would have happened already.

 

Settling for something less than special wouldn't suffice- I would feel like I was letting myself down (and them down).

 

If I think about all of my good male friends- not one of them stands out as someone I could even consider getting physical with.

 

I'd rather continue to be social yet remain alone. I am actually pretty happy being alone at the moment.

[norajane]

I think it's selfish to use a friend to fulfill some fantasy you have about how your life is supposed to be and what you're supposed to have in it. And it's selfish because if I were truly a good friend to a guy, I'd want him to be with someone who DID feel passion for him and who thought he was the most special man on earth to her. I wouldn't want to condemn him to a life of lukewarm affection from me. Nor would I want to look him in the eye when he told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, knowing that I felt meh about him.

 

Nor would I want to be married to him when I one day meet a guy I did feel passion for, a guy I'd be tempted to have an affair with or get a divorce for because I was always just lukewarm about friend/hubby in the first place.

 

Nor would I want to one day tell my friend/hubby, sorry, I love you but I'm not in love with you and I never was but I sure wanted the wedding, the ring, the gifts, the house with the picket fence, the 2.4 kids and the dog. But now that I've used you to get that, I'm leaving and I'm taking the 2.4 kids, the dog, and half the house because I'm not in love with you and I never was.

 

(Yep a purely hypothetical question again... it came to mind because a lot of my friends have a certain person they say they would marry if they were still single beyond a certain age).

 

Do those poor suckers know they're the back up plan in case someone "better" doesn't come along? Are these back-up guys in love with these friends of yours and hanging around hoping they'll one day get their chance to move out of the friendzone when your friends are desperate enough?

[Sephirothh]

Yes I would....fact of the matter is I probably should have done it anyway

[Ruby Slippers]

No way. I'd live my life and keep it open to the possibility of romantic love.

[monkey00]

Nah, I'd never get in the sack with any of my female friends. We have a long history of being friends and we're all in the same circle of friends. Besides, I'm not physically into any of them. I enjoy having their intellectual companionship and company when we hang out.

 

But I know what you're talking about. I know/suspect individuals who are friends with the opposite sex as a way of keeping them as a backup. Basically being kept in the back-burner.

[Trialbyfire]

No way! There's no chemistry between my close male friends and I. If there was, we wouldn't be close friends.

 

For that matter, marriage isn't a need or even a want. It's a commitment between two people who care deeply for each other, to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

If the only reasons why you're getting married, are to pool funds and breed, don't even consider it! You're headed for the big "D" in the sky, unless you setup an open marriage scenario. Then, you're probably headed for the land of STDs!

[BobSacamento]

Nope. Because I know I'd meet "the one" on our honeymoon or something. Wouldn't that get a bit messy lol? I think some things should be left up to destiny.

[dreamergrl]

As much as I don't want to be unmarried by the time I'm 30, no way, and it's looking like I'll be unmarried by the time I'm 30. Heck, I'll probably be single at 30.

[MN randomguy]

and it's looking like I'll be unmarried by the time I'm 30. Heck, I'll probably be single at 30.

 

????

 

Do you mean you won't be dating anyone at the point when you turn 30?

 

Any who,

 

If I had a close friend that I felt mediocre chemistry with and had an awesome connection with I'd eventually take the risk of dating her, regardless of our age. That sounds like a fairly good complete package.

 

Mediocre i.e. average looking is still "doable" So, if you look at the fact that none of us is going to find someone perfect its a matter of where you want to compromise. If I didn't have to compromise anywhere else I'd expect to give a little in the looks department.

 

That being said I still have my deal breakers physically. If you read some of my other posts you probably know what they are. However there are quite a few physical flaws I could overlook.

[dreamergrl]

????

 

Do you mean you won't be dating anyone at the point when you turn 30?

 

 

No, I mean at the rate I'm going... it's likely not to happen.

 

I'm going to be 28 in October. I am now single yet again. I wanted to start a family before I was 30. It's looking kind of grim.

[Juristhea]

I would probably be still on the lookout for Mr. Right if I'm still single. I'm not yet married but I will be in a year or so.

[Mahatma]

Many many threads talking about "settling."

 

What is the point for a woman to settle these days? If you had no job or anything and really just plain NEEDED a man, then I could understand...but women are more independent these days.

 

I sure would not want a woman to just settle with me, and personally I would be rather angry if I found out this was the case.

 

Why waste my time if you aren't totally happy with me? This affects me too. I could have been spending time trying to find a woman who fully loves me.

[Juristhea]

Many many threads talking about "settling."

 

What is the point for a woman to settle these days? If you had no job or anything and really just plain NEEDED a man, then I could understand...but women are more independent these days.

 

I sure would not want a woman to just settle with me, and personally I would be rather angry if I found out this was the case.

 

Why waste my time if you aren't totally happy with me? This affects me too. I could have been spending time trying to find a woman who fully loves me.

Yeah I quite agree..

 

If I want to settle down, I want to settle down because I love the guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and not for other reasons.

[Trialbyfire]

Many many threads talking about "settling."

 

What is the point for a woman to settle these days? If you had no job or anything and really just plain NEEDED a man, then I could understand...but women are more independent these days.

 

I sure would not want a woman to just settle with me, and personally I would be rather angry if I found out this was the case.

 

Why waste my time if you aren't totally happy with me? This affects me too. I could have been spending time trying to find a woman who fully loves me.

No kidding! Who wants to be settled on? That's why I've always targeted men who didn't need me to compensate, who could easily get what I have to offer, elsewhere. If they're with me, it's because they want to be and not because I fill some void inside of them.

[Isolde]

Actually, this thread wasn't supposed to be a settling thread. I think you can be semi-attracted to an opposite sex friend (a good friend... probably not a CLOSE one) without having obvious, blatant chemistry with them, and if the connection is already there, that's part of what it takes to make the R endure.

 

Of course there has to be some chemistry--the idea was that maybe the amount of chemistry needed at the beginning of a relationship isn't necessarily indicative of what it would be like later on, and further, for some individuals, feelings of stability and security can actually give way to more passion, over time.

 

That said, it's still not something I want to do.

[BobSacamento]

I guess if the question would I seriously date a friend if I was unmarried at a certain age. I might consider that. But it's still scary, because what if you meet someone else during the relationship? You have to break it off with a good friend and possibly destroy a good friendship.

 

I guess you have to decide whether filling that void or friendship are more important. I'm leaning towards friendship.

[quankanne]

if I were starting over as a senior citizen (60-plus) and if either were free to marry, then yeah, I'd seriously consider tying the knot with either of my two best guy friends because of the shared history we've had since our early 20s.

 

sex would be out of the question, though ... that would be kind of gross because I don't see either in that light, but I still think we could REALLY create a fantastic partnership based on friendship, love and mutual respect.

 

before y'all get grossed out by the idea that I "gave up" on romance, consider how many marriages are outlived by friendships.

[Isolde]

While I realize that the importance of sex sometimes ebbs and flows during one's life, and can see how having sex daily isn't really crucial to a relationship, I can't fathom a sexless or very-low-sex marriage.

[carhill]

That's because you're young. The interplay of two humans evolves and changes as one ages, especially with someone you've known for many years. I could envision such an eventuality, but dismiss it currently because I still have strong feelings about sex and romance and that elemental bond. If that wasn't mutual and I knew (and I'd know, even if unspoken), then it would end up a deal- (and likely friendship) breaker. The only way I could see it working would be if both partners were on exactly the same page emotionally. So, a possibility, but a doubtful one for me at this time.

[colosseum]

Haven't read some of the other posts, but OP just sounds like a bad idea to me.