Here goes..

[jcs8528]

I have been reading on this site for a while now and my relationship was a bit complicated (like that's news) so here goes.

 

We dated for about three years, buying a house together getting engaged. I was 35 and she was 30, she had been married before neither of us with any children. I had been in relationships before but never had a woman tell me I was her soul mate and she knew it was meant to be, etc..Everything was awesome until she changed jobs and became a bar rep for a local liquor distributor. This meant long nights, our schedules conflicted, etc. She started and still drinks heavily. I completely trusted her and was never a jealous man.

 

What started to happen was she would start missing dates, saying she'd be home at seven and call at eight to tell me she wouldn't be home til midnight, even when I had cooked dinner or something. She would come up with wild stories about why she didn't call like her battery died and a stalker took her phone. This went on for several months all the while I would explain to her that I at least deserved a phone call or text saying she would be late or not show up at all. One night I asked her to leave and she moved some of her stuff out and in with a friend. I have to say that before that happened, the conversations slowly led to fights and than worse fights and I said some verbally abusive things to her that I wish i could take back, called her a b**ch, a drunk, barfly. Thing is I'm the kind of guy that still would open the car door for her three years into the relationship, and even now, so this was obviously affecting me in a very negative way.

 

Fast forward a year, we've been talking at least every other day since she moved out, some fights, some booty calls (always by her), continuous contact but always drama of some kind.

 

I had regretted kicking her out because I loved her and wanted to work. Almost days after she left, my father had a heart attack and that brought us back together after very little time of NC. I have gone to counseling to deal with my anger issues regarding this situation, I never felt anger like that before and I assure you it was NEVER physical, just verbal tirades. I have basically been begging her to come back and doing things for myself and us such as working out, counseling, etc. She says she needs her space and time to think, (it's been over a year since she moved out), she recently moved into a house with a man (been living with one married couple and than another friend and his fiance'), a long time friend she's known since high school and swears are only friends. I don't believe this at all.

 

Since that time I have respected her space and not initiated contact only responded, but she's called or text me every day. Sometimes nice, sometimes calling me names, or saying things like "go see your counselor" for no reason at all. One day she'll say "my ideal is to get my life together and someday you and I will reunite", etc or I will text her "just thinking of you, miss ya" to no reply. It's an amazing roller coaster of emotions from hope to despair, just last week she gave me tickets to a PGA golf event she was working to come by their house on the fairway? After this I sent her a long letter explaining my love for her and the changes in me (counseling, lost 15lbs, bought a Harley, etc.) She said she read it but didn't want to talk about it and never wrote back. Than she won't call for two days.

 

Because of this, on Sunday I blocked her texts and calls from my phone and informed her only to contact me through e-mail in case of an emergency. Not only for her sake, but mine. I don't want to look at the phone to see if she's called anymore, if she wants to she can write me or come to my house. Funny thing is guys, I am a classic example of pushing her away. I felt so guilty I did everything for her even though it was her actions alone that started this mess. She had my self confidence and self esteem so low it was amazing. We had been going back and forth for over a year. I've begged her for the last year to give "us" another shot and all she does is keep me at arms length. At Christmas, she came over. told me she wanted to work on things, I bought her mom a big screen for x-mas she swore she would pay for........no luck, what a chump huh. Why do people do things like this after professing so much love for you?

 

Sorry so long people, I know there's a great deal of intelligent people out here and I just wanna share and learn.

[PinkRibbon]

Sounds like you have been led on by the nose. A stalker took her phone? Hello? To lame of an excuse. She used you and I am sorry to say that but it sure sounds like it.

 

There is just too long of trashing your emotions and feelings. Take a step back and look at what you wrote. If you were another person on this board what would you write and think?

 

I think after a year of push and pull it is time to drop the rope and walk away.

[jcs8528]

Thank you and I agree. I bet I could fill this board with page after page of the things that have gone on. She's a master manipulator but I was certainly looking through Rose colored glasses. It's amazing how blind you become to these things in the face of Love.

 

I totally stopped all contact with her on Sunday and on Monday morning here she e-mailed me to ask me, "Did you block me from calling you?" All I replied was "Yes, it's time for me to move on, good luck to you".

 

I know what a lot of the people here went through and my case is a perfect example of what not to do to yourself, forget about her. I did everything for her at first, calls, gifts, etc. If I asked her anything about her day she would yell, "stop smothering me?" lol I have to grin about it now and how stupid I was to be played like that.

 

Like I said, I tried for a year, and it's no game anymore. I cut her off because she doesn't deserve me.

 

I'm sure I will hear from her. She sent a response to my e-mail saying "[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Okay, thank you for responding and I wish you much happiness. May I please still stop by to pick up a few remaining items, such as my parents wedding knife and the stained glass my Aunt made me. I also have some work items under the wet bar? It won’t take long or if you feel better gathering them yourself I can pick them up or maybe you can drop them off at Sid’s or something. However you wish. I appreciate it and thank you. I hope you are doing well"

 

I sent back "[/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=2]Not sure what you still have there. If I find any of that stuff I will give it to Lynne when she is hired, I'm pretty sure she got the job. "

 

Anyway, I know I will always love her, but I don't want her in my life. I made myself a better person and did the things I needed to do originally for her but finally for me. It's still hard, only been a few days of NC, I told her before not to keep calling me if she didn't want a relationship, and she would get mad and say she wanted to talk to me, everynight. No More.

[/sIZE]

[kizik]

I'm so sorry, man. You're doing the right thing by protecting yourself.

 

You are not alone. Keep looking on this site for support when you need it.

[nolanola]

I sympathize with you, as I was in a long term relationship with someone with alcohol abuse issues. First off, please don't try to understand their actions. It's impossible and you will only make yourself crazy.

You are doing the right thing in separating yourself from the craziness. I'm sure she probably will reappear and try to start more drama. Be strong. Not only will this be a good thing for you, it will probably also be a great thing for her as well.

[jcs8528]

I went out tonight and had some fun with friends. Coming home alone right now is always the hardest part, especially since I know she doesn't miss me. I know taht she is no good for me, but when we were together, I honestly loved her more than I've ever loved. How can that be? How does that feeling go away?

[kizik]

Man, there is little anyone can say but to remind you that this is all an unfortunate part of the human experience. You CAN love again, you WILL love again, and it does take time to heal... but it sounds like you're already on your way with the group of friends you have.

 

Friends. Focus on building and maintaining your friendships, as well as developing your hobbies and interests. When you stay busy enough, you have less time to focus on the heartbreak

[jcs8528]

Hey Guys, I am thinking of unblocking her texts and calls only in case she needs to get a hold of me? Bad idea?

[kizik]

Bad idea. All you're doing is fooling yourself.

 

Right now, you're doing all you can to convince yourself she might need you for some reason; trying to convince yourself that you are important to her.

 

You are not important to her, or else she would keep you in her life, at all costs. Love is not complicated, not like some say. If someone wants you, they will make it clear, and you'll feel it in your bones, that love.

[jcs8528]

Thx, You are so right, She was good at making me feel that way when she wanted something.

[EmperorR]

Your ahead of alot of people here, keep going strong.

[jcs8528]

It's been such an emotional and long ride. I can't imagine anyone, especially her, missing the drama. I'm also pretty sure she has no respect for me what-so-ever per her actions. I know I hurt her initially, but it was if she hung on for ever. Getting her fix when ever she needed it. She has a pattern of going from one guy to the next, the last guy before me asked her to marry him and she said the relationship was "no big deal".

 

Her actions continually gave me the signs I couldn't see through her words. Always saying she loved me and I was her dream man. Wow, I wish I could bullshi* like that I'd be so rich. lol How naive I was.

[jcs8528]

I have another question?

 

She had been telling me she wanted space, etc and I had not actually honored that. She was doing most of the calling but I would text her, etc. When I cut her off, I didn't explain, anything, etc. I just did it. I guess what I am asking is that do you think I should have explained why other than saying it's just time for me to move on?

[jcs8528]

I'm thinking of sending my ex this text message. Am I reverting?

 

v\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } o\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } w\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } .shape { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } st1\:*{behavior:url(#default#ieooui) } [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I wanted to tell you that I blocked the number because I couldn't stand communicating like that with you any longer. Texting and talking to you became almost like a chore for both of us. I knew I had to completely let you go and give you the space I should have a year ago. Whatever the outcome I wish you the best. When/If you realize things you can contact me if you wish. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[jcs8528]

No thoughts? I'm really waffling on whether to send her this e-mail. I really need some support on this one.

[Tizzy]

...do you think I should have explained why other than saying it's just time for me to move on?

 

You don't owe this woman anymore explanations. She knows what the deal is and so do you. The writing is so on the wall. She sounds like a terrible person to be in a relationship with and I don't understand why you're drawing this out. You bought her mom a tv? Wow. Can I get one too?? :-)

 

I know it's hard to let go of someone you love and care a lot about, even if they don't treat you so nice and take advantage of you. But trust me, you will get over her and you will feel so much better about yourself when it's all said and done. Don't send her any texts, don't talk to her period. Let her go on about her whacked out life and you live yours. Any time you have an urge to talk to her (via text, phone or any other medium), do what I do and talk out loud to yourself (or in my case, my 2-yr-old, lol). Say what you would've felt like saying to her. It'll be off your chest but you won't break your NC pact with yourself :-) Also, anytime you get an overwhelming urge to communicate with her, think back to why you're not together in the first place and all the things you were unhappy about with the R. That does the trick for me every time. Good luck and be strong.

[jcs8528]

I found out today she is definately with her friend, she is shacking up with him and "in Love" so to speak. I broke NC sending her a text saying "I knew it all along, you lied to me. You had me believing I was crazy and all that "torture" you put me through. It was a knee jerk reaction I am sure she won't respond to. I regret it, but it is done. I just gave her any power back, Thing is I am positive now she never cared. She's been carrying this on for a long time.

 

Anyway, I knew from my initial reaction that she wasn't out of my system. I am sad, hurt, confused, jealous and above all still emotionally drained from this. I left work sick. bad, eh?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I found out today she is definately with her friend, she is shacking up with him and "in Love" so to speak. I broke NC sending her a text saying "I knew it all along, you lied to me. You had me believing I was crazy and all that "torture" you put me through. It was a knee jerk reaction I am sure she won't respond to. I regret it, but it is done. I just gave her any power back, Thing is I am positive now she never cared. She's been carrying this on for a long time.

 

Anyway, I knew from my initial reaction that she wasn't out of my system. I am sad, hurt, confused, jealous and above all still emotionally drained from this. I left work sick. bad, eh?

 

Try not to think of it as power. She has nothing over you. We all react from emotions from time to time. At least she knows YOU know; she didn't 'get away with it' so to speak. Its shown that you wised up to her. Its amazing how people can make us feel that our minds and emotions are deceiving us. I had a strong gut feeling all through that something was wrong....he made me feel it was all me. But it wasn't. Your body somehow knows things. Its instinct. But we use our brains to ignore it because we recognise it must be irrational or jealousy or paranoia - no it isn't always.

[jcs8528]

Thanks Nikki You are right. I kept walking away and threatening I would leave forever everytime we went through this. She almost always broke NC because she wanted to be my friend. I heard this through a third party, an can you believe that I even consider that I am "jumping to conclusions" and they are really "just friends"

I honestly think this is the closure I have been searching for for over a year now. I know things I used to be able to excuse away or talk myself out of. I can't defend her to myself anymore. She's a lying Bi**

[Ayla]

Hey,

 

I think it would be best if you did not send the email. She knows she was treating you badly and therefore she knows the reason why you have started NC. Stay strong - although you probably don't mean to, you are looking for excuses to contact her...

 

You can do this.

[jcs8528]

Unfortunately I had sent the e-mail already. She didn't respond but i wasn't expecting a reaction. Our relationship has gone back and forth for over a year now. Mostly me pulling to get her back after I "kicked" her out. I felt OK sending it because this was the kind of closure I needed. Hours later and I'm actually ok, still some emotions, but I can see the end

[scootncash]

Honestly, I wouldnt respond with an explanation. She served you no respect whatsoever. I mean can you tell me exactly what she did do that makes you think she loved and respected you?

 

I know you love her and you want to be nice. But...just you questioning whether or not to send her an explanation says your not willing to respect yourself enough to let go and do some serious soul searching. By wanting to even ask that question is actually your way of justifying the need to contact her.

 

I know its tough and a lot of us here have been there. Some of us have healed and made it thru others are still trapped in their need to be with someone however dysfunctional a relationship, and then there are those who are trying desperately to find their answers and move forward.

 

The people at this forum all have something to contribute to each and every story here. Somewhere there is one or more of us who can relate to an individual story. But for all of us we are a support system. Sometimes we dont agree with each other about how someone should handle a situation but we all agree on the desire to help each other.

 

Your embarking on journey that you didnt ask for or expect. Unfortunately you cant change what someone did this to you for. What you can change is how you let it effect your life. You can change only you. You need to gather all the strength you can to get thru this and it wont be easy but it will be necessary.

 

Currently she isnt really at a maturity level to really truly love someone. You have to be willing to respect the one you love. You have to be willing to support the one you love. You have to be willing to stand behind your committment to write the person you love into your life. You have to be committed to stay with this person and not run when life isnt grand or the fireworks end and the real work begins.

 

I honestly dont believe she is willing to do that for you. Im not saying that she wouldnt ever,, Im just saying right now at this time. So what do you do? Take this time and go work on you. Soul search your heart for what you really want from a relationship and focus on what your willing to do for a good relationship.

 

You have to take the focus off of her and put the focus on you. We know that she isnt capable of giving you what you need, muchless respect herself. You need time to really understand and know what you want from a relationship, find out what your boundries are, figure out if you have any deal breakers. The thing is she may have a lot of great qualities and it was probably what attracted you in the first place. Its nice she has great qualities but its the few unattractive ones that she has that doesnt make this relationship work. Is this really what you want to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Take some time for you and let her be. Dont call, dont email, dont do anything about or for her. You cant fix or help her. You can only help and love YOU!

 

 

 

Take care and good luck!

Scootncash

[jcs8528]

I have a question.

 

I am going to sue her for the money she owes me. I met with an attorney today and he said I have a good case(he's taking me without a retainer if that says anything).

There are several avenues to start with;

1) I can initially e-mail her requesting the money from her.if she doesn't respond the attorney will than send her a letter and if still no response she will be taken to curt.

2) I can not e-mail her and the attorney can just begin the process...

 

Of course i want to contact her because I want to let her know I realize what kind of person she is along with the money. She moved in with her best male friend she Called her "little brother" is that normal?

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know how much money is at stake, but are you sure you want to go through with this? It'll mean staying in contact, even if it's through lawyers. Depositions which, at least in my state, can touch on topics unrelated to the lawsuit and whcih could result in embarrassment and anger.

 

It's your call, and maybe the money involved makes it worthwhile, but putting all this behind you might be healthiest for you.

[jcs8528]

I have thought about that very much indeed GT. I guess I'm in that stage now where I don't want her to think she got away without any consequences for her actions. I'm talking around $7000 here. When her dog died, I was out of town and she called at 2am for me to help pay for it crying, again at this point I truly believed she was on her way to forgiving me. I am wavering on this alot. I want to e-mail her and tell her what a bitch she is and that she didn't get away with her games.

Than I realize I am not over her and need to "sleep" on it.