joyz Posted May 3, 2009 Posted May 3, 2009 I think it is the classic question all BS are left with as they start to truly heal from the betrayal, and of course, Question #2 is specific to my situation. They are both highly moral in content: 1.) HOW DID YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to have an affair with my husband/wife, the father/mother of my children, and help him/her cause the greatest emotional pain I have ever felt in my life by sneaking, lying, sleeping with him/her? 2.) ESPECIALLY when your ex broke your heart by cheating on you and then marrying his last affair partner and dragging you through a bitter and acrimonious divorce that continues in court oh, so many years later? I guess, it all boils down to the golden rule, the truest tenet of every religious faith and progressive political movement in history: DO UNTO Others as you would have them do unto you. That, Joyz, is what I would ask, will ask, if I ever do see this woman. i don't know her particular situation, but my guess would be that she was depressed too (based on #2), and she "gave herself permission" just as ur H did for the same reason. i don't think they were intentionally trying to hurt anyone.
Reggie Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Thank you. I am impressed with your ability to imagine someone being quite different than yourself. Some people don't want exclusivity. I want to be important, listened to, respected, treated well and stood by by my lovers in hard times but I am not wired that I want my lovers to have no other sex but with me. To me that parceling off of sex always seemed more necessary when we had the inability to prevent procreation, determine paternity, and no ability to minimize/prevent and treat STDs. Having to be someone's sexual everything seems masochistic and inherently patently unfair to the more sexed partner. *(I do understand that most other people on this board do not see it that way) So I do understand the PP thinks it is gross. However, for some people a good shower and a condom is sufficient. Yes, I have seen this felling about sex and exclusivity in a fair number of people. I think it is very difficult for some of us that do not share this value to understand. But, we all have to lead our lives as we see fit. Now, I have no tolerance or understanding of the attitude that living this way at the expense of others is right. If someone really holds to this way of life, he or she should not be a party to the trauma caused to someone who is being deceived. It is all well and good , as far as I am concerned if someone wants to have multiple partners. But, infidelity is a whole 'nother thing.
NoIDidn't Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 65tr6 - why do you say in most cases the BS doesnt even know the OW/OM? I agree that its not productive to focus on them, but how could they not know them unless its a one night stand? I didn't know my H's OW. It was completely conducted at work and she didn't work in his building. I don't think your reasoning makes much sense. I had a one night stand (a LONG time ago) with a guy that I sort of knew - in that I slept with him one time and never again. Its entirely possible for the WS to have an affair with someone that his/her spouse doesn't know. Just like its entirely possible to have a one night stand with someone that you know.
NoIDidn't Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 1.) HOW DID YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to have an affair with my husband/wife, the father/mother of my children, and help him/her cause the greatest emotional pain I have ever felt in my life by sneaking, lying, sleeping with him/her? I didn't ask this question of the OP because the answer is that my H gave her permission to deal with him (not with me). I think this is always the answer to that question. We want to not believe what is right before our eyes: our spouses gave the permission. 2.) ESPECIALLY when your ex broke your heart by cheating on you and then marrying his last affair partner and dragging you through a bitter and acrimonious divorce that continues in court oh, so many years later? I've been thinking about this one lately. I think that when one is treated in this way it makes one bitter and cynical. People can start to think that someone has to pay for how they were treated. Or the classic "If I survived it, she [the BW they are helping the WH cheat on] will too" becomes their mantra. I'm not saying that its right. I just can see how people come to the conclusions that they reach.
Snowflower Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I didn't know my H's OW. It was completely conducted at work and she didn't work in his building. I don't think your reasoning makes much sense. I had a one night stand (a LONG time ago) with a guy that I sort of knew - in that I slept with him one time and never again. Its entirely possible for the WS to have an affair with someone that his/her spouse doesn't know. Just like its entirely possible to have a one night stand with someone that you know. This is what happened in my sitch. I know who the OW is, but I don't know her. I'm not even sure I would recognize her if I saw her again. I only met her once. FWIW, I had and continue to have absolutely no desire to contact the OW from my H's brief affair. I don't even blame her and I forgave her for what she did a long time ago. My husband's A was so brief (basically a ONS although he did know her-not a bar pick-up) that maybe that makes it more managable for me. When a BS has to deal with a long-term betrayal and affair, it might be different but I can only speak from my perspective. I have seen it posted on here by OW/AP that the BS has to put the blame on the OW because that is the only way the BS can forgive their WS. I don't think this happens all the time so I disagree. It could be a stage in the healing/recovery process for some BS. As for me, I went through a period of feeling angry at the OW-but even that is gone now. Simply put, the OW seems to have filled a place in my husband's life when he was at his lowest point. Our marriage was nearly finished at that time -even without the A. What they did was not right by any means but my focus is my husband, not the OW. I understand (do not excuse) what happened...I know what the A was and what it wasn't. As far as I'm concerned, me blaming the OW is useless...I don't hate her (would never be friends with her, of course) but just like I was almost a nonentity to her, she is a nonentity to me. It is my H and marriage that matters.
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