Stampdaddy update (serious)

May 4, 2009

The kids will always know. in one way or another!

and you know stamp you've focused too much on this woman that is toxic but you really cant blame her because in some form or fashion you allow this to happen to you. You allow her mental space in your mind, you still do limited contact, you still have this fantasy built up about her. Do you want a new life away from her with someone who will do right by you? or you want this toxic woman to use you just like she used her husband?

She will. but hey do you.

Seem to be trying to figure all of that out, arent I? I dont dwell on it, I post here trying to "talk it out" with you, but more importantly, within me.. Havent been in contact in about a month, and each day that goes by, I am healing. It could very well wind up that I just say, "too much water under that bridge, and the bridge has been washed away". What is ironic, is that we ARE separated by "the big green bridge" as I call it... OH, and I don't blame her.. Can't imagine what she faced, and is facing as we speak.

May 4, 2009

Seem to be trying to figure all of that out, arent I? I dont dwell on it, I post here trying to "talk it out" with you, but more importantly, within me.. Havent been in contact in about a month, and each day that goes by, I am healing. It could very well wind up that I just say, "too much water under that bridge, and the bridge has been washed away". What is ironic, is that we ARE separated by "the big green bridge" as I call it... OH, and I don't blame her.. Can't imagine what she faced, and is facing as we speak.

It's not about what she is imagining, it's about what you want outta your life!

You need to stop being wishy-washy, make a choice and stick to it! Be a man and make a choice, live with it. Stop second guessing yourself. This woman shouldnt be any of your concern. What's going to happen she'll finally be with you, and then the red flags start popping up in a year or two. She has no reason to change or compunction to change.

And you have been in contact, it's limited but it's still contact right?

...What do you want?

May 4, 2009

So her kids know about the affair now?

Yep...can see why they'd hate you then.

And can see why this would pose some tremendous hurdles in trying to "mesh" the families now.

I'd just add this to the whole growing list of reasons why you should close the door.

In my case, when my wife told my kids that she was going to go live with OM, they were FURIOUS with her. She told them that she'd be back to visit, and that they would make arrangements so that they could come live with her (and him) at some point, my kids told her to forget about that. The oldest ones told her that they wouldn't consider that at all until MAYBE after they'd graduated the following year...if ever.

And I'd already told her that if she left, there would be NO coming back...and I had no idea where she'd stay if she came back to visit the kids, but it wouldn't be in our home.

That was her first wake up call...when she realized that meant she'd be living without her children for at least a year, potentially never again. When she realized that her kids (and I) were far, far less "understanding" about the whole affair (pun intended) than she'd imagined (fantasized?) they would be.

May 4, 2009

So her kids know about the affair now?

Yep...can see why they'd hate you then.

And can see why this would pose some tremendous hurdles in trying to "mesh" the families now.

I'd just add this to the whole growing list of reasons why you should close the door.

In my case, when my wife told my kids that she was going to go live with OM, they were FURIOUS with her. She told them that she'd be back to visit, and that they would make arrangements so that they could come live with her (and him) at some point, my kids told her to forget about that. The oldest ones told her that they wouldn't consider that at all until MAYBE after they'd graduated the following year...if ever.

And I'd already told her that if she left, there would be NO coming back...and I had no idea where she'd stay if she came back to visit the kids, but it wouldn't be in our home.

That was her first wake up call...when she realized that meant she'd be living without her children for at least a year, potentially never again. When she realized that her kids (and I) were far, far less "understanding" about the whole affair (pun intended) than she'd imagined (fantasized?) they would be.

They don't know, well, sh*t, maybe they do by now, or they will be told. Maybe they won't, but since H has told his entire family, it leaves a real possibility that they WILL be told by them, rather than the risk of finding out from cousin Billy...

This seems to be more that an hurdle, more than a mountain too.. They were supposed to be meeting with an agency that helps with divorces and children (how to tell, what to tell etc...), so I dont know what they advise...

May 4, 2009

Well...I'll flat out tell you how I feel, man. (I know...I'm such a sugar-coater normally! )

In this case...for your sake...I really hope you don't "get the girl".

I'm hoping that you get the gumption to "close that door" before you set yourself and everyone else up for more hurt.

May 4, 2009

Well...I'll flat out tell you how I feel, man. (I know...I'm such a sugar-coater normally! )

In this case...for your sake...I really hope you don't "get the girl".

I'm hoping that you get the gumption to "close that door" before you set yourself and everyone else up for more hurt.

I am actually believing that this will be the case.. I think that I will say that enough pain has been cause by all of this, with more to come, and I don't want to add to it even more... This is figuring that they will be told, if they havent been already.

May 4, 2009

I am actually believing that this will be the case.. I think that I will say that enough pain has been cause by all of this, with more to come, and I don't want to add to it even more... This is figuring that they will be told, if they havent been already.

I know you said you are only thinking out loud, but it feels like there is so much emotion invested in this. Have you been able to distance at all from the situation.

May 4, 2009

I know you said you are only thinking out loud, but it feels like there is so much emotion invested in this. Have you been able to distance at all from the situation.

yeah, alot more than I used to. Mondays are usually bad for me, like right now, I am fighting off a panic attack.. There are certain days/times that I get attacked, but even they have lessened.. Of course there is alot of emotion invested, as I invested so much of me (my today, my yesterday and my future). It is my today I am trying to get back, which will change my future. I will tell you that I am MUCH better than I was, 4-6 months ago...

May 4, 2009

I am actually believing that this will be the case.. I think that I will say that enough pain has been cause by all of this, with more to come, and I don't want to add to it even more... This is figuring that they will be told, if they havent been already.

Stamp you have come so far and now you seem like you have no hope that you guys will be able to recover from this. What do you really want to happen?

I am not for A but this one has gone on so long. I'm thinking you two guys must really love each other deeply to go through this.

I know that love isn't enough but it is a good running start. Maybe you guys could go to counseling. You don't have to be in the childrens's lives right away. They will all need time to heal from this and you guys could just see each other without them around for a while. I don't think this situation is totally hopeless. Afterall, they are getting a divorce.

I think you have to really forgive yourself and ask God (I don't know if you have or believe in one) to forgive you and going forward just work on being the best person you can. I know the shame and guilt can be paralyzing but you have to work on forgiving yourself.

Keep your head up!

May 4, 2009

yeah, alot more than I used to. Mondays are usually bad for me, like right now, I am fighting off a panic attack.. There are certain days/times that I get attacked, but even they have lessened.. Of course there is alot of emotion invested, as I invested so much of me (my today, my yesterday and my future). It is my today I am trying to get back, which will change my future. I will tell you that I am MUCH better than I was, 4-6 months ago...

I do understand the panic attacks. Not a fun experience.:eek:Only you know if you are better than you were.

May 4, 2009

I doubt counseling would do any good. The kids will never accept Stamp, as he was instrumental in the breakup of the marriage. That type of thing pisses kids off , as it hurts them. H would have zero credibility with the kids.

What's he going to tell them when they are teens and want to have their boyfriends spend the night "Yeah, I know i had an affair with your mom, but this is wrong"?

May 4, 2009

Stamp, I am so sorry for you to be rollerecoasting all over the place about your situation. Maybe you can be one of the lucky ones (less than 5 percent) that this can actually work out for you in having a future with a former affair partner. Maybe.

But I wish you were even stronger all these years later and were coming to your realizations from a position of strength, not weakness as evidenced by panic attacks and see-sawing emotionally. It takes a strong partner to be a strong partner and to have a strong relationship. I wish you had practiced NC instead of LC, because then you would have had the time and opportunity to really objectively assess not only your motivations but her character as well. That is oh so hard when there is continued contact stirring up all the emotional connections from the past.

You sound like a man who wants to see the forest from the trees but cannot and I understand your confusion. I wish you peace as you try to sort it all out for yourself!

May 4, 2009

I doubt counseling would do any good. The kids will never accept Stamp, as he was instrumental in the breakup of the marriage. That type of thing pisses kids off , as it hurts them. H would have zero credibility with the kids.
What's he going to tell them when they are teens and want to have their boyfriends spend the night "Yeah, I know i had an affair with your mom, but this is wrong"?

And THIS is the kicker... Look, I would and then could deal with the H and family/friends knowing. It would hurt, sure, and I would hate it, but, I would deal with it, and like others have said, it would probably subside. BUT, the children.... This is where I just might have to sacrifice it all, for them. As strong and as deep as I love HER, I also love THEM. As much as some here will flame me for saying that, I DID know them, through her of course. I have known 2 of them for half of their lives or more. So, I could also live with my sacrifice of walking away..

Heck, I SHOULD have done this like 3 1/2 - 4 years ago. I was looking at a picture of the 2 youngest ones together, they were so little and sweet in this picture, and I broke down. I said, " I don't want to hurt them... I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEIR HEARTS!".. She PROMISED me I wouldnt, that I couldnt.. She promised me that she was taking the right steps to make this ALL work. She said that yes, they will be hurt by their parents divorcing, but they will be better off in the long run with their parents having 2 "happier" homes, and OUR home being filled with LOVE.. NOW, it seems destined to be filled with HATE. I am SO sad about this

May 5, 2009

And THIS is the kicker... Look, I would and then could deal with the H and family/friends knowing. It would hurt, sure, and I would hate it, but, I would deal with it, and like others have said, it would probably subside. BUT, the children.... This is where I just might have to sacrifice it all, for them. As strong and as deep as I love HER, I also love THEM. As much as some here will flame me for saying that, I DID know them, through her of course. I have known 2 of them for half of their lives or more. So, I could also live with my sacrifice of walking away..

Heck, I SHOULD have done this like 3 1/2 - 4 years ago. I was looking at a picture of the 2 youngest ones together, they were so little and sweet in this picture, and I broke down. I said, " I don't want to hurt them... I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEIR HEARTS!".. She PROMISED me I wouldnt, that I couldnt.. She promised me that she was taking the right steps to make this ALL work. She said that yes, they will be hurt by their parents divorcing, but they will be better off in the long run with their parents having 2 "happier" homes, and OUR home being filled with LOVE.. NOW, it seems destined to be filled with HATE. I am SO sad about this

YOU DONT KNOW THEM!!!!

If they ever know the truth about you, outta of respect for their father they will hate you for being instrumental in the destruction of their home. You need to understand this. You arent confused your so self absorbed and only thinking of the upside and not the downiside.

and believe me if the family knows, the children will too! and if they are teenagers? where they have their own emotions and feelings and thoughts and ideas, trust they will let you know in their eyes that you dont mean squat....

...you are not their father.

This woman has put you through the ringer, why consider even being with her. is she that important? That aint love that's a single cell organism wanting to attach to a host. Your relationship is parasitic in nature.

When are you gonna stand on your own two??? Man Up!

May 5, 2009

YOU DONT KNOW THEM!!!!

If they ever know the truth about you, outta of respect for their father they will hate you for being instrumental in the destruction of their home. You need to understand this. You arent confused your so self absorbed and only thinking of the upside and not the downiside.

and believe me if the family knows, the children will too! and if they are teenagers? where they have their own emotions and feelings and thoughts and ideas, trust they will let you know in their eyes that you dont mean squat....

...you are not their father.

This woman has put you through the ringer, why consider even being with her. is she that important? That aint love that's a single cell organism wanting to attach to a host. Your relationship is parasitic in nature.

When are you gonna stand on your own two??? Man Up!

Chrome, I tried to make it VERY clear, "I know them through their mother". and NO, I don't "know them"... and NO, and NEVER will I be their father. I NEVER want to be their father. They have a father. A good father. THEIR FATHER. So Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day, our daily bread, AND FORGIVE OUR TRESPASSES, as we forgive those that trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for Thy is the Kingdom,the Power, the Glory and the FORGIVENESS FOREVER

May 5, 2009

So her kids know about the affair now?

Yep...can see why they'd hate you then.

And can see why this would pose some tremendous hurdles in trying to "mesh" the families now.

I'd just add this to the whole growing list of reasons why you should close the door.

In my case, when my wife told my kids that she was going to go live with OM, they were FURIOUS with her. She told them that she'd be back to visit, and that they would make arrangements so that they could come live with her (and him) at some point, my kids told her to forget about that. The oldest ones told her that they wouldn't consider that at all until MAYBE after they'd graduated the following year...if ever.

And I'd already told her that if she left, there would be NO coming back...and I had no idea where she'd stay if she came back to visit the kids, but it wouldn't be in our home.

That was her first wake up call...when she realized that meant she'd be living without her children for at least a year, potentially never again. When she realized that her kids (and I) were far, far less "understanding" about the whole affair (pun intended) than she'd imagined (fantasized?) they would be.

I hate to t/j but this brings up an issue I just don't understand. It would appear that you gathered up your kids to do some 'border patrolling' with regard to keeping your W 'within lines'. Do you ever feel that her 'love' for you is fueled by her fear of losing her kids? If so, how genuine does that feel?

I could never coerce my H or anyone to stay with me if they didn't love me. Knowing your story I suppose she woke up from the depression fog and realized she did indeed love you?

May 5, 2009

No you do not know them through their mother. These kids are not apart of you at all. Make a decision and stick to it. Be a man

May 5, 2009

Stamp, if all of the adults would set aside their animosity, the children will be ok, I believe. Nobody has to lie to the kids. But it is in the delivery of the truth that will make the difference. Love has a way of healing people, including kids....if they see what a decent man you are, how truly you love their mother and how good you treat them, love will make them come around.

Of course, their father has to set aside his anger and bitterness for the sake of the children. If he is truly a good father and a decent man, he can be truthful to them without being hateful to you and the ex-wife.

It is all up to the adults, really. The more decent you treat each other for the sake of the children, the better the children will cope.

May 5, 2009

Stamp, if all of the adults would set aside their animosity, the children will be ok, I believe. Nobody has to lie to the kids. But it is in the delivery of the truth that will make the difference. Love has a way of healing people, including kids....if they see what a decent man you are, how truly you love their mother and how good you treat them, love will make them come around.

Of course, their father has to set aside his anger and bitterness for the sake of the children. If he is truly a good father and a decent man, he can be truthful to them without being hateful to you and the ex-wife.

It is all up to the adults, really. The more decent you treat each other for the sake of the children, the better the children will cope.

That would be a nice hallmark ending. Maybe stamp and the soon to be ex h will also go on fishing trips

May 5, 2009

No f'ing way will they accept him, IMO. And, they should not.

Stamp, how do you reconcile saying you loved her kids when you participated in messing up their lives and hurting their dad?

I've seen this , first hand, with my own kids and their feelings about my XW's affair partner. They knew he was involved in an affair with their mom and they disliked him, intensely. After a year or so, with her family hating the guy, the kids hating him, no one respecting him, he bailed.

You need to leave her alone and look for an honorable person. And, you need to continue living honorably yourself.

May 5, 2009

That would be a nice hallmark ending. Maybe stamp and the soon to be ex h will also go on fishing trips

It's funny that you mention a "fishing trip". It was on a fishing trip that I overheard my daughter tell a few other kids just how LUCKY she was because he had 2 mommies and 2 daddies, WHEN I HAD SUSPECTED that her mom, who I was divorced from, might have had an affair as we went through our divorce.. NOW, he and I play golf together.....

May 5, 2009

No f'ing way will they accept him, IMO. And, they should not.
Stamp, how do you reconcile saying you loved her kids when you participated in messing up their lives and hurting their dad?
I've seen this , first hand, with my own kids and their feelings about my XW's affair partner. They knew he was involved in an affair with their mom and they disliked him, intensely. After a year or so, with her family hating the guy, the kids hating him, no one respecting him, he bailed.
You need to leave her alone and look for an honorable person. And, you need to continue living honorably yourself.

This is absolutely right. Why do people have trouble understanding this.

May 5, 2009

It's funny that you mention a "fishing trip". It was on a fishing trip that I overheard my daughter tell a few other kids just how LUCKY she was because he had 2 mommies and 2 daddies, WHEN I HAD SUSPECTED that her mom, who I was divorced from, might have had an affair as we went through our divorce.. NOW, he and I play golf together.....

Why don't you ask your MW's H if he wants to go golfing with you.

May 5, 2009

Stamp, if all of the adults would set aside their animosity, the children will be ok, I believe. Nobody has to lie to the kids. But it is in the delivery of the truth that will make the difference. Love has a way of healing people, including kids....if they see what a decent man you are, how truly you love their mother and how good you treat them, love will make them come around.

Of course, their father has to set aside his anger and bitterness for the sake of the children. If he is truly a good father and a decent man, he can be truthful to them without being hateful to you and the ex-wife.

It is all up to the adults, really. The more decent you treat each other for the sake of the children, the better the children will cope.

no truer words could be said.... EVERYBODY, listen to these words

May 5, 2009

Why don't you ask your MW's H if he wants to go golfing with you.

It's NOT time yet...

It might never be time

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